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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about sleep or is DP?

56 replies

happymatleave · 08/02/2010 10:31

DS2 is 8 months old and we have co-slept since he was born. DP has never helped with him at night. He is at work and I am on maternity leave so I don't mind doing the majority of the night times but he never helped even though he was on paternity leave for the first 3 weeks and he doesn't help at the weekends either. I don't really mind this but we co-sleep because it is easier for me that way and I get more rest.

DP doesn't want us to co-sleep anymore, he says it disturbs him too much and he wants his bed back. I can understand this and agree it is probably time to try to get DS to sleep in his own room.

DP wanted to do controlled crying but I can't. From what I have read about it you need to both be committed and I know I would cave in straight away. It just won't work for us because I don't believe in it. I have looked into other ways of sleep training and we discussed it and agreed to try putting him in his cot and soothing him, sushing him etc. but not leaving him on his own to cry. I knew that this would take some time as DS is not used to sleeping on his own.

DP agreed to help and suggested that we start on a Friday night so that we have the weekend to get some rest.

So this Friday I went in and out of DS's bedroom, comforting him off and on throughout the night. It wasn't as bad as I expected but I still didn't get much sleep. DP didn't get up at all.

Saturday night I went to bed early, expecting little sleep again but DP had said he would get up this time. Instead he stayed up really late, drank a bottle of wine to himself and played on the xbox till the early hours of the morning and then slept on the sofa.

So I again did all the night up and down comforting DS.

Of course last night came and he said he couldn't help because he had work the next day and needed his sleep.

I really feel like going back to co-sleeping again. I was happy give the sleep training a go but don't see why I should be the only one to get up, especially at the weekends.

So AIBU to go back to co-sleeping or should I be sticking this out so that DP can have his bed back?

I should point out that he is a really good father/DP in every other way. We share the cooking, housework, childcare etc. during the daytime, it's just at night that he will not do anything.

OP posts:
thesecondcoming · 08/02/2010 18:06

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Jamieandhismagictorch · 08/02/2010 18:13

FWIW cc worked really quickly for me with DS2. It's not (contrary to popular opinion) leaving them to cry ......

WorzselMummage · 08/02/2010 18:23

You need to give your dh a kick up the backside !

lovechoc · 08/02/2010 18:29

fair enough during the week your DH needs his sleep, but he should be helping you at least at weekends with the sleeping issue.

You mention that he's good with everything else help-wise, but that's not really the point. He needs to help you where it matters most - at night. You both need to take turns otherwise there will be resentment later on. It's all about compromise.

Original poster
happymatleave · 08/02/2010 18:30

ok, I don't know much about cc. I don't like the idea of it and would prefer to try other ways first. DS is not a difficult baby and I'm hoping we won't need to try anything too drastic.

The thing is last night when DS was crying a few minutes because I went to the toilet and I had been up for a while, DPs reaction was 'oh you might as well just bring him back in here'. I didn't as I think that now we have started we should try to stick to it for a while. But I don't think that DP would be happy doing the controlled crying either, even though it was his suggestion, because it would still mean him being kept awake, albeit for a shorter time probably.

OP posts:
thesecondcoming · 08/02/2010 18:34

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overmydeadbody · 08/02/2010 18:36

YANBU. If you are the one who does all the night time stuff, then you have the final decision about what the arrangements are.

Your DH is being a selfish twat. He wants to stop co-sleeping so he gets more sleep but it will untimately give you less sleep. How considerate of him

Stick with co-cleeping for now, if that maks your life easier. If you want to try to get him to sleep on his own then your DH needs to play an active role in that.

overmydeadbody · 08/02/2010 18:38

and from my experience, the older they are when you move them from co-cleeping to their own room the easier it is. How about starting off the evening by getting him to sleep in your bed as usual, then moving him once he is asleep?

lovechoc · 08/02/2010 18:40

he can't have his cake and eat it, basically. it's one thing to suggest it but perhaps your DH needs to be a bit more 'active' in his role when it comes to the nightshift of caring for your DS. It's only fair, that he at least does it a few times in the week to see what it's like for you.

Original poster
happymatleave · 08/02/2010 18:41

I just feel like right from the start he has felt like he should never have any lack of sleep. When DS was 2 days old he said 'I'm sorry, I just can't cope without my sleep' and went off to the spare room, leaving me to it. As I said, I haven't really minded but the way I've coped is by co-sleeping.

He suggested the cc but was also happy to try the other way first. This makes me think that it isn't so much about the choice of method and more that he isn't going to help whichever way we do it.

Do you recomend cc then thesecondcoming? I don't know a lot about it but don't like the thought of DS being left to cry and thinking that I'm not there for him. How did you do it and how long did it take?

OP posts:
lovechoc · 08/02/2010 18:44

oh dear, we all need our sleep but when you have a baby you're meant to share the care between you both. you need a break yourself, co-sleeping or not. If I was in your position, I'd tell him you need your sleep too, and that he needs to get a bit more involved. That kind of attitude doesn't wash, sorry.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 08/02/2010 18:51

I did it with DS2 when he was about 15 months old and at the end of my tether. I had been going in to him, picking up, patting and had tried gradual withdrawal, but as soon as I would leave the room he'd ping awake again, and it was taking up to an hour to settle him.

As I recall, I waited for 2 minutes before going in to him the first time he woke, went in, calmed him by putting my hand on his chest, then left. If he continued to cry, after I left, or cried again later, I left it for 5 minutes. You then go up in 3 minute increments - so then leave for 8 minutes, 11 minutes etc

It worked in 3 or 4 days, and the longest continous period he cried for was around 20 minutes (which, I know, is too much for some people - but not full-blooded crying).

thesecondcoming · 08/02/2010 19:16

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Original poster
happymatleave · 08/02/2010 19:34

Your house fell down I'm suddenly feeling like things aren't so bad

OP posts:
thesecondcoming · 08/02/2010 19:41

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PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 08/02/2010 20:03

"When DS was 2 days old he said 'I'm sorry, I just can't cope without my sleep' and went off to the spare room"

but also - there's your answer. Boot HIM out into the spare room, and carry on co-sleeping if you want to.

How selfish! To put this in perspective, when DS was a day old DP sat up with him for 3 nights straight, bringing him to me to feed, so that I could recover from the birth. (yes, I know that's the other end of the scale entirely - just wanted to emphasise what an arse your DH is being!)

Original poster
happymatleave · 08/02/2010 20:10

Spare room is now DS's room though. Your DP sounds like a saint

OP posts:
lovechoc · 08/02/2010 20:12

PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow your DH seems similar to mine after the birth. My DH also brought DS to me so that I could BF him in bed. I didn't move out of the bed, he brought him to me so that I could get as much rest after the birth as I could. I needed the rest equally as much as DH, so we worked together as team - not seperately.

Definately agree OP's DH seems very selfish IMO.

PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 08/02/2010 20:14

he has his moments happymatleave

SailAway · 08/02/2010 20:51

Can I point out that the only reason why men don't wake up during the night is because they don't think they really need to get up. At the back of their mind (even if it is subconsious sp??) they know someone else will get up if they don't.

Have had this converstaion with DH before and when put on the spot and 'made' to get up (ie knowing I would wake him up if he wasn't) he strangely started to hear the dcs....

Also happymatleave, what is your arrangement supposed to be when you go back to work? Is your DH happy to get up during the night too? Does he realize he will ? (because he will won't he?)

lovechoc · 08/02/2010 20:59

saying 'well it's your turn now' and a big nudge is hint enough that the man should take a turn really. it's only because women have just put up with it that men get away with so much. you have to put your foot down, and make sure they are doing an equal share. it's not fair to sleep deprive one parent, whilst the other one just goes about his/her normal daily life without a care in the world.

if the mother was to become ill, he'd have to get on with it anyway, so he'd soon learn the hard way!

LEMprefersdogstocats · 08/02/2010 21:01

TSC - i love the way you just say "oh, and then the house fell down" like it happens every day!!

OP, your DP is a lazy pig - if you don't sort this now, before you return to work then you know what is going to happen........"oh, i need my sleep" twat!

choosyfloosy · 08/02/2010 21:15

TBH I would have a discussion about this (like you already have - sometimes these discussions have to happen more than once ) and then go and stay with a friend on Saturday night thereby setting up a good precedent for the future that you get Sunday mornings off to lie in/go out/worship JESUS/conjure the Goddess/to yourself generally.

I think you would be very very well within your rights to say 'I did feel a bit of a mug when you got pissed that night and stayed up til all hours. I felt as if I had to pick up the pieces after you.'

Best of luck. Incidentally, now might be a good time to start establishing babysitting contacts and spend somme time together having fun. Investing time in your relationship at this stage is likely to pay off big time in the future.

thesecondcoming · 08/02/2010 21:18

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PandaEis · 08/02/2010 21:28

i agree your DP sounds like a selfish A-hole happymatleave

my DH lay snoring when our DD was less than a day old and i had laboured for 18hours altogether and had no sleep from 930AM saturday through until 130am monday a quick kick and a murderous glare later and he got up and let me sleep. he had slept while i was in labour and then for a few hours after DD was born aswell so i firmly believe it was my turn then

even now DH does no night time wakings and DD is now 4 she still wakes 1 or 2 times each night and i have to see to her despite me working full time and DH being between jobs after redundancy he pretends not to hear her (i can tell hes awake as his breathing changes to 'too' calm) he thibnks that as DD wakes me i should get up to her instead of waking him as he has to get up with her in the morning!! errr no i get up with her most mornings while he sorts himself out getting showered/toilet break/teeth brushed etc and he has nowhere to go [AAARRRGGGHHHH emoticon]

you do get used to it honest