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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Party Rage!!!

92 replies

dreamylady · 07/02/2010 17:23

AIBU to think that parents who turn up to birthday parties (say 4 / 5 yr olds and under) and say 'is it ok if I leave my child for a bit (usually meaning, until pick up time)?' are really rude?

I think its kind of a shame for their kids (there's always one that has a trauma and wants their mum/dad, tho' to be fair they can usually be comforted by another grown up), its also unreasonable to expect the other parents who are staying to look after their kids for them, and also it's just really unfriendly.

What's wrong with staying around and talking to some other grown ups for a couple of hours while you keep an eye on each others kids all together?

Fair enough if you know the parent hosting the party and you ask in advance, and there's something else you need to do, but I always see harassed hosts with lists of mobile numbers they've just been given on the day.

Bet it's more common here in the UK than in other countries too. Does it happen everywhere? What age is it reasonable to start expecting this do people think?

OP posts:

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 07/02/2010 20:07

But being left in school where they go 5 days a week is completely different than being left somewhere they might not have been before.

PigeonPair · 07/02/2010 20:26

On invitations I write "feel free to drop-off and leave or stay for a drink".

All children are different so whilst my son (nearly 5) is happy for me to leave him at a party, some of his pals want their mummy/daddy to stay.

minxofmancunia · 07/02/2010 20:28

erm round here I think the parents stay until they're about 6, dd is only 3 but the impression I get from here friends mums who have older ones as well is that they usually stay then when 6 to 7 start leaving them.

I would rather they stayed, but then I'm massively unkeen on looking after other peoples children anyway, in fact i absolutely hate it! I always make dh do it, if a friend of hers is dropped off here he has to be in to keep an eye out, entertain them etc.

Am actively dreading the time when we have to manage it alone.....but then I'm a miserable cow

DaftApeth · 07/02/2010 20:30

I haven't found either of mine have had a problem with it. Especially as they are usually with their class mates.

Dd happily went to a party recently where she only knew the birthday girl. She loved it. Was entertained by the clown and quite happy to stay on her own.

BigMomma3 · 07/02/2010 20:44

I don't really get why you would invite kids to a party if you can't look after them! I would invite the amount of kids that I had helpers for and would not expect the parents to stay to look after them. I invited them after all.

It was never the done thing to stay when DD was small (she's 13 now) so I am assuming this has developed over the last few years and we've been abroad so obviously missed it.

DT1 was invited to his first school party (softplay place) in reception year and I was amazed when the hostess insisted that I stayed. I had the other DT2 and DD waiting in the car (nothing was mentioned on the invite and DH at work) so I had to pay for them to play as well and DT2 was spectacularly miffed that he could not join with the tea party afterwards!!

Last year when DTs were 7, about half the parents stayed at the party . I'm assuming they don't get out much .

LynetteScavo · 07/02/2010 20:55

I think parents do tend to stay at soft play places, especially if it's not private hire.

When I had DS2's 4th party at a soft play, I asked parents to let me know how may siblings would want party tea, and included them in the party.

cory · 07/02/2010 20:55

This seems to be the norm around here:

small party in the home- leave from age 5

bouncy castle/softplay centre- leave from age 6 or thereabouts

swimming pool party- stay until child is quite old/confident swimmer

Personally, I wouldn't mind if Mums and Dads stayed on, but dh and I don't actually need help to put out some crisps and run a few party games in our own house- and as others have said, discipline is far easier to manage if parents aren't hovering (only times I have had actual damage done by party children, parent was sitting in the next room- and it was the friend who prided herself on her parenting)

piscesmoon · 07/02/2010 22:09

'But being left in school where they go 5 days a week is completely different than being left somewhere they might not have been before. '

This is the whole madness of huge parties! If you don't trust me to look after your 5 yr old you shouldn't accept the invitation!
I think it is a bit rude to say that I can pay to entertain your child but you don't trust me!

piscesmoon · 07/02/2010 22:11

I always arranged adequate help at parties-I really didn't want assorted adults cluttering the place up!

compo · 07/02/2010 22:15

What sort of help do you mean?
So a reception party at softplay for whole reception class, 25 kids , how many helpers? Or do you mean the staff there?

NellyNaggBagg · 07/02/2010 22:17

YABU. I stayed with DS until he was 7 because he wanted me to stay (if need be, I hid in a corner so as not to be a pest to the hosts); at 4, DD was saying (suspiciously): "You're not staying, are you Mummy?" - so I didn't. All our parties have been at home; most parents have dropped and left, but I've been perfectly happy for others to stay so long as they're happy to make their own cup of tea while I do party games etc. I'd hate anyone to think I was being unfriendly if I don't stay with DD at parties! Often enough, I also have to look after DS who hasn't been invited...

I'd say it depends on the child and location. There's no rule that fits all children and all parties.

piscesmoon · 07/02/2010 22:23

I would never have 25 kids! I usually had a friend +DH, and for my younger ones DS1 and a friend were a great help. It is all much easier to manage if people drop and leave. If people don't trust me and my child care arrangements they shouldn't accept the invitation. I find it odd that someone would say 'my DC would love to come but I must stay and watch over him because you can't be trusted!'

karen2205 · 07/02/2010 22:23

When I was little, we didn't do birthday parties until we were 5 or 6 and then none of the parents stayed. With my sister (now 19), her friends came for her 3rd + 4th (and certainly later parties) without parents. I (nine years older than her) ended up running most of the party games, while my mum dealt with the food. We did have limited numbers - only about six or so children.

EmilyStrange · 07/02/2010 22:27

It depends on the child. As a mum who had to stay at many parties as my dc had bad separation anxiety I ended up having to look after other kids who really wanted their parents there or help with some kids who were being badly behaved. Frankly if you are not completely sure that your child will be fine/well behaved without you, then you shouldn't leave them at these ages. I think the party host has enough to do. It is incredibly difficult disciplining/comforting children that don't belong to you. Parties are hard work. So actually I dont think the OP is being particularly unreasonable.

compo · 07/02/2010 22:28

Yes if it was ten kids at my house it would be annoying if ten parents stayed
last yr in reception all the parties bar two were whole class softplay affairs and all parents stayed
the other two was a bouncy castle in a hall , whole class parents stayed and a summer one in someone's garden and everyone stayed!
o

piscesmoon · 07/02/2010 22:31

I would just ask the party giver if they would prefer you to go or stay and abide by that-unless you have a DC who is wobbly about staying alone.

sunnydelight · 07/02/2010 22:31

Most of the parents of DD's schoolfriends stay, and they are turning either 6 or 7 (we're in Oz). Yes, it's lovely to have a chance to catch up with friends, but a nightmare when you're hosting. DD wanted a party at home again this year and the main reason I said no was having to host drinks and nibbles for 15 adults at the same time as running a kids' party - everyone is lovely but I found it so stressful last year. If I could have been sure that the majority would "drop and run" I would have done it.

Spidermama · 07/02/2010 22:32

I've got four children and the youngest has just turned five. There's no way on earth I have time to stay at parties with him and IME other parents don't tend to either.

Usually at my parties a couple of good friends will stay, help out and drink wine with me. The others can't get away fast enough.

Often young ones cry and indeed they are comforted by another grown up. This is a very important experience for them and part of building their confidence.

piscesmoon · 07/02/2010 22:37

Whether you are for going or staying, OP is being unreasonable in thinking it is rude to go as about 50% of us think it is rude to stay unless specifically invited.
Do your own thing but don't judge others-we are all different-both as guests and hosts!

cat64 · 07/02/2010 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

sunnydelight · 07/02/2010 23:15

Hey spider, what a shame I can't still be one of those mums staying to drink wine with you

welshandproud · 08/02/2010 10:05

YABU everyone knows you can leave children at a 5th birthday party

Jackstini · 08/02/2010 10:37

Ooh - was about to post on this subject for myself. DD is 4 next month and has been invited to a 4th bday party.
DH is not available and I am doing something at junior Church that week - have tried to swap and can't. ds (1) not invited but will come to Church with me anyway.

So - party is 10-12. Would I be ok to go at 10, leave at 10.30 and pick up at 12 do you think? Show of hands please.... if most think ok I will email the Mum of course first to check ok. Never met the Mum - it is for a nursery friend.

DaftApeth · 08/02/2010 10:44

Jackstini - if your dd is happy to be left, then yes

lowenergylightbulb · 08/02/2010 10:51

Well, I used to leave my kids at parties until I had a bit of an 'experience' quite a few years ago at a 6th birthday party in a wacky warehouse.

The dad who was hosting the party was nowhere to be seen when I arrived with my daughter. Some of the other parents were happy to cut and run and I agreed to keep an eye on the 15 or so girls until the dad appeared. He eventually came in from the bar and was well oiled. So I stayed.

Prior to him making an appearance I had to stop 2 of the girls from leaving the soft play area and going into the playground.

To cap things off nicely at the end of the party (after having had to endure this mans drunken slurring for 2 hours) he made a pass at me.

A few months later my daughter was invited to another party in a church hall. It was a bouncy castle party. When I got there the host mother was too busy having a laugh with her friends to greet the kids and the bouncy castle was unmanned. Also there were several entrances to the hall and there were kids running in and out randomly. I decided to man the bouncy castle and as I was walking over to it it tipped over with a few kids inside it. Luckily no one was hurt. I don't think that the mum was too pleased with me for staying, but I really didn't care. I thought that she was a numpty.

When we've hosted parties I've been happy for parents to stay if they want to and provide wine/nibbles/tea... I know that I'm able to look after other peoples kids properly and keep them safe, but there are some parents who quite simply are twats and for that reason I only left my kids at parties if I was certain that the parents were competent.

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