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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Party Rage!!!

92 replies

dreamylady · 07/02/2010 17:23

AIBU to think that parents who turn up to birthday parties (say 4 / 5 yr olds and under) and say 'is it ok if I leave my child for a bit (usually meaning, until pick up time)?' are really rude?

I think its kind of a shame for their kids (there's always one that has a trauma and wants their mum/dad, tho' to be fair they can usually be comforted by another grown up), its also unreasonable to expect the other parents who are staying to look after their kids for them, and also it's just really unfriendly.

What's wrong with staying around and talking to some other grown ups for a couple of hours while you keep an eye on each others kids all together?

Fair enough if you know the parent hosting the party and you ask in advance, and there's something else you need to do, but I always see harassed hosts with lists of mobile numbers they've just been given on the day.

Bet it's more common here in the UK than in other countries too. Does it happen everywhere? What age is it reasonable to start expecting this do people think?

OP posts:

diddl · 07/02/2010 18:06

Happens here-parents usually congratulate birthday child, quick chat with parents & off they go.

When you have everything planned, there´s nothing worse imo than parents who won´t clear off & let you get on with it!

wubblybubbly · 07/02/2010 18:09

So relieved to hear it's not the norm to stay - I've been dreading the whole party thing starting, the idea of having to entertain the bloody parents as well as the child is just not my idea of fun.

Nor do I fancy spending every saturday afternoon for the next 10 years munching on carrot sticks and dips, surrounded by hoardes of over excited, sugar filled children!

thedollshouse · 07/02/2010 18:10

Once you get to reception parents don't stay. I don't ask the parents if they mind me leaving, I just drop him off and go and the other parents do the same.

bellavita · 07/02/2010 18:12

taffetacat · 07/02/2010 18:12

I remember when DS was 4 we went to a party next door ( girl 6yo )and as most of the parents lived about 20 miles away, they all stayed but stayed in another room and swigged wine and none of them helped. The mother was running round organising loads of activities etc and worked really, really hard, I pitched in as it seemed the normal thing to do. I thought it was incredibly rude of the others not to help. I stand by this now, if I had to stay at a party like that, I would offer to help.

Now DS is 6 it is lovely to have parties where the adults bugger off tbh. This year I completely cocked up pass the parcel but bluffed it and the kids were none the wiser/not bothered. In fact my heart kind of sank when the doorbell went and the first parent turned up to collect. So different to when they stayed when he was smaller and the minute hand on the clock moved so slowly.....

Mumcentreplus · 07/02/2010 18:17

I dont care if parents stay or leave, once a child is at my DCs party they are my/my helpers responsibility..some parents stay for a while just to scope things out and have a cup of tea/sandwich..actually I think its good if some parents bugger off!..so the child can relax and not a have a mum fussing over them..and some are better off staying if they know their child takes time to settle...

ThePhantomFlanFlinger · 07/02/2010 18:28

Don't think it's the norm around here to stay, especially at 3+.

I'll stay if that's what the parents want, but I'd want to be told via the invite.

When I finally get around to throwing parties for my DC I hope the parents all go home for the duration.

Original poster

dreamylady · 07/02/2010 18:31

Hmm so I am probably being unreasonable! Or at least in the minority.. Wow quite an achievement as I think I'm usually considered fairly laid back and forgiving in RL. Then again maybe not!!

So I either need to make sure I don't do a bouncy castle party, because I will be wound up by other parent's perfectly reasonable behaviour, or if I do do one will need to ask people to book their 'childcare' in advance (but without the sarcasm )

Maybe I'm having difficulty with the idea of DDs social life becoming seperate to mine. S'pose I'd better get over that one pronto!

OP posts:

EcoMouse · 07/02/2010 18:37

I drop mine off at school friends parties, not least because I have four DC and don't expect the host/ess to cater for all of them!

Whoever's organised the party has usually thought to organise extra pairs of hands where necessary.

I usually stay when it's family friends parties, because we enjoy each others company my whole family is welcome.

Morloth · 07/02/2010 18:41

I found 4 was the "crossover" year, where you had to ask if parents were to stay. Now we are doing 5/6 it is dump and run.

pointydog · 07/02/2010 18:42

age 4 or 5 is ok to leave them.

If it stresses you out, don't have large parties, stick to small ones until your kid's a bit older.

LynetteScavo · 07/02/2010 18:56

I've always had to leave DS2 at parties at this age. when he was in reception, he already knew the other children form nursery, adn wasn't shy....and I could hardly stay with a 2yo and a 6yo. They would want to join in with the games/food, adne they weren't invited. So best to drop and run, even if there was a bouncy castle.

DS1 would never let me leave him at parties. It was very obvious that I was expected to once he'd started school.

I think reception is the cross over year with someparents stayin/some going, but once they are in Y1 it's pretty much set in stone that parents will leave.

bluejeans · 07/02/2010 19:06

It never occurred to me that parents might want to stay the first time DD had a party, when she was 4 (all but one children were already 4 and all at nursery) so was quite taken aback when one mum did - I didn't know her and felt weird having her there - also had I known I might've cleaned the bathroom and done a quick tidy upstairs

piscesmoon · 07/02/2010 19:09

At that age I would expect them to leave, I wouldn't have had room for all the adults for a start! I didn't mind if the DC wasn't happy at being left, but otherwise I needed the space. It is another reason for not having huge parties-if you aren't happy at leaving perhaps you shouldn't accept the invitation.

Flamesparrow · 07/02/2010 19:13

oh god i hadn't thought about parents staying. Tis DS's 4th in a few weeks, I just want em to dump n run tbh, my house isn't huge and it would be easier with less parents!

sunburntats · 07/02/2010 19:21

dreamlady i am with you.
mine is nearly 7 and i left him for the very 1st time last weekend, but only for an hour, not the duration of the party.
Reasons:
1)he is not a confident child, might need me
2) His behaviour is often difficult for me to handle, i would not put that onto a harrased parent with lots of other kids to keep an eye on as well.
3) I like to observe the other kids in his class, to compare and put into perspective ds's behaviour
4) I want to see how he is in a social setting
5) I feel VERY VERY cheeky asking another parent to watch out for him, its too much of a liberty
6) I dont know any of the other parents well, i would never leave him with another adult that i dont know well enough
7)I have always stayed without issue with host parent
And lastly, its what i feel comfortable with, DS is rarely invited to parties, he is not the most popular child so its not an issue too often.

piscesmoon · 07/02/2010 19:24

Maybe he isn't invited to parties because he comes with parent! It would put me off at 7yrs.

sunburntats · 07/02/2010 19:26

tbh there are a group of mums or dads that always stay when i have, so i dont feel so bad.
no one seems to mind, in fact when i said to the mum i was going to leave ds, she pulled her face, i felt awful

redskyatnight · 07/02/2010 19:28

Just had DD's 4th birthday party. I had some parents staying (the ones with the shyer children and one mum who is a close friend I'd asked to help). Other parents dropped and ran.

I think if your child is reasonably self sufficient (ie can take themselves to the toilet, follow instructions and communicate ok) which probably happens by 4/5 no reason for parents to stay unless particularly asked to do so. I think if you particularly WANT parents to say beyond 2/3 you probably should be asking them to do so.

2rebecca · 07/02/2010 19:30

I've never stayed at a child's party that isn't a family party and have never had parents asking to stay.
It seems a local thing whether you stay or not.
I probably wouldn't have bothered with parties when kids young if I'd been expected to entertaIn parents too. Kids parties are for kids. If they're too young to come alone they can stay at home.

piscesmoon · 07/02/2010 19:37

I would much rather have them without the parent-they are far more likely to do as they are told for a start!

cathers · 07/02/2010 19:41

I think YAB slightly U. I think once the child is in reception it is perfectly fine for the parents to leave the child.

I have never stayed at the parties once my DC's were 4/5 and would be upset if this was perceived as 'rudeness'. I think it makes it easier for the host if you don't have parents there - kids chill out at bit more and you don't have to play host to grown-up's as well!

Wheelybug · 07/02/2010 19:46

The norm to dump and run at 4+ here and I much prefer it that way as the host. DD1 (just 5) hates it if I stay. I find it easier doing a big party too without other parents cluttering up the place.

DD goes through stages where she has at least 1 party every weekend and it would be awful to have to hang around every time.

compo · 07/02/2010 19:52

What sort of parties are we talking about though? Fine to leave at someone's house iftheyve got enough adults
but somewhere public like bowling or softplay while birthday boys mum is wiping your childs bum in the loo another child might wander out....
Surprised some would leave 3/4 year olds tbh

DaftApeth · 07/02/2010 20:04

By 4-5yrs, children will be in Reception and used to being left.

Dd is having her 5th birthday in a few weeks. I'm not expecting parents to stay. Although it is in a large hall so, plenty of room if they want to.

In fact, at her party last year (when they would have been 3-4yrs) no-one stayed either.

The only parties, ime, where parents stay is if they have to travel a way to get there and there is no point in going home in the middle.

So YABU and unrealistic. If you do need parents to stay, I would make sure you put it on the invite so that they know.

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