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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to never want to leave my baby?

84 replies

eggontoast · 07/02/2010 09:43

DD9wks. Second child. I just do not want to go anywhere without her. The thread that joins us wont stretch far enough yet.

I bf and do not want to leave her with bottles. I just don't want to risk her crying for me.

DH does not mind, but I have had some comments from others, that I am being unreasonable.

All too soon, she will be running away from my cuddles like my DS 3.4. I don't think it is wrong to totally devote my time to her through her first year or two?

This is what my instinct is telling me to do.
Am I alone in feeling like this?

ie. missed christmas do, take her with me to a meal for someones leaving do, miss sil hen do which is overnight in Sheffield etc.

OP posts:

JimJammum · 08/02/2010 21:15

I've never left ds (3) overnight, and have put him to bed everynight but one. My friends have all left their kids overnight with grandparents at various stages. You cannot compare yourself to others, or do what others think/say/do. You must do what is best for you and what you feel is best for your child, whatever their age and whatever the situation IMO.

thesecondcoming · 08/02/2010 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oldandknackered · 08/02/2010 21:33

YANBU. You have to do what is right for you.

My DS2 is 2.5 and has never spent a night without me... in my bed, bf on demand.

Everyone has a problem with this, apart from me - so I don't listen or invite opinions from friends and family. Most of them think I mad but I know my DS2 will be little for such a short time.

Just enjoy your time with your baby and to hell with other people's views.

cory · 08/02/2010 21:36

Have to admit I never felt leaving dcs with dh was any different from him leaving them with me. He is as close to them as I am, they are as close to him. Other people- totally different. But would have felt sad if leaving the children with their own father had felt like leaving them with "somebody else".

Original poster

eggontoast · 09/02/2010 16:49

I could leave her with DH without it feeling like it was someone else if he bf too, but, without the equipment, a short dog walk between feeds is all he can manage!

As I cannot express and don't want to use formula, essentially I can't leave her; I also don't want to.

My DH and DS do not have a problem with it at all; hubby thinks it would be good if I could have some time to myself, but understands that I don't feel the need. He certainly does not feel he needs time alone with her.

It is people outside the family unit who have commented, so I wondered why they thought it was unreasonable and if others on here would agree.

OP posts:

thesecondcoming · 09/02/2010 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

eggontoast · 09/02/2010 18:20

these - as i have posted earlier - I have hardly any friends (boo hoo), so no one to piss off really. Which statement do you think I may need to climb down from in future, so I can be aware?

OP posts:

thesecondcoming · 09/02/2010 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 09/02/2010 20:03

Whoops, I left DD (7wks) with her dad for all of saturday day and night.
I realised I missed her when I finally saw her on Sunday morning, but it was absolutely lovely to sit with my friends, drink beer, eat pizza, watch hot rugby players on the TV and then go see my mates band and just let my hair down in quite an irresponsible, drunken way!
But I would say that I still have the strongest bond imaginable with her (and my DS, who I left for three days to go to Paris when he was 2)
I can see where you are coming from completely. I just value this (very rare) free time whilst im still young!

AmazingBouncingFerret · 09/02/2010 20:04

Meant to add YANBU!

foreverastudent · 09/02/2010 21:37

OMG I nearly fell off my bed with disbelief at some of these posts. Not OP particularly, but to soem of the other posters, I take it you do not value independence in your children? Good luck to you when they're still living at home at 40!

BrahmsThirdRacket · 09/02/2010 21:44

YANBU. It's good that your DH is supporting your choices at the moment, but I think sometimes it can be a bit wearing to men when they don't get any alone time with their DW because they are constantly attached to the baby. Sounds like this is not the case at the moment, but something to bear in mind for the future perhaps. I know someone who believes that his marriage has pretty much been wrecked by his wife's determination to be the best mummy in the whole wide world, which means she will not entertain the thought of going anywhere without them, or even having any hobbies that do not involve him. Result - they have nothing to talk about besides the children, and he feels excluded. I am sure you are nowhere near that but I've heard it a lot.

Firawla · 09/02/2010 21:52

your dc is still really young, its normal! just wait til you are ready and leave them wehn you feel comfortable with it. yanbu
i wouldn't leave my 8 weeks ds either, its just too young. ds1 i felt comfy leaving him with grandparents when he reached about 12 months and knew he would be fine, just do what suits you

jaggythistle · 09/02/2010 22:02

If I could find it I would post a link to my thread from a month or so ago.

It is about my PFB but I feel the same - I don't 'need' a break like so many people seem to think. It will be hard enough going back to work and leaving him at home with Dad!

So YANBU at all.

I nearly went mental when my PIL wanted us to go out for lunch and leave him when he was 8 days old and I was only out of the hospital 6 days after my em cs...how they were planning to bf I don't know.

SpeedyGonzalez · 09/02/2010 22:02

eggontoast (mmmm...buttery scrambled eggs on toast... wait a minute - )

NestaFiesta · 10/02/2010 09:52

YANBU. I'm the same with my DS2- 13 weeks. They will never need or want you this much again in their lives. Make the most of it, it goes so fast. Everything else can wait xxx

Original poster

eggontoast · 10/02/2010 12:21

I don't state this out loud, not feeling like I want/need to leave baby, it's just something I feel, so I don't think I am in danger of sounding smug.

I get told it is unreasonable to forsake nights out/parties etc. but I have only said I don't want to go, because I am bf and don't want to introduce a bottle.

My best friend would never mind if I bring kids - hubby shift worker so used to it. Our couple friends all have children too and we always do things together with kids.

Once baby is about 1 year, I will start mountain biking again with fella and we leave with uncle and aunty a couple of times a month to do that. Just not happy to leave now.

I get from a lot of the posters on here, that I am definitely not alone and many mums feel like I do. I am certainly going to listen fully to my instincts, keep a balance amongst my family and enjoy whilst little, because soon my baby will not be a baby any more.

OP posts:

violethill · 10/02/2010 12:29

I think it's fine if you and your partner are happy with this, and if you are flexible and open to change should your partner also want to spend some time alone with his child.

It's no one else's business but it is his - he's an equal parent. My Dh certainly wouldn't have been happy to never have 1 to 1 time, but if yours is, then that's fine.

BTW it's also perfectly possible for a baby to exclusively drink breast milk but be left with other people - there is nothing to fear from introducing your baby to a cup and bottle! They don't forget how to drink from a breast too. However, if you have problems expressing then I guess that can be quite limiting.

cory · 10/02/2010 12:38

What violethill said. I never had any problems with combining breastfeeding with 1:1 time for dh. The hourly breastfeeds don't last long in any case: by the time they are eating solids they can go for quite an outing before they want the boob again. Dh needed his special times with dcs as much as I did.

mamaduckbone · 10/02/2010 12:38

YANBU - my ds2 is 7 months and I've only been out in the evening twice, both times home by 10pm. I've just started to leave him at the leisure centre creche for 40 minutes whilst I have a swim, and my mum and dh have had him for a maximum of 2 hours at a time in the day. He's never had a bottle, still bf on demand although now in a pretty regular routine so I can predict when it's ok to leave him for a bit.

I have no problem with this. I have the rest of my life to go out, have weekends away etc. I think with this being my second and probably last, I know how short and precious this time is and don't see it as a sacrifice or think that I'm missing out on anything.

DO what you want to do - as long as it suits your family it's noone else's business.

AliGrylls · 10/02/2010 12:50

At 9 weeks it is normal. At 9 years it is what is known as over-protective.

violethill · 10/02/2010 12:53

There is no particular virtue in never giving a baby a bottle btw.

I'd just like to make that point. I am very pro bf, and wanted my babies to drink breastmilk exclusively, but as I said, babies can drink from either breast or bottle (and pretty soon a cup) which is wonderfully flexible for everyone, and means the father can be involved in feeding too. I have heard of a few unsettled babies who seem to find it difficult to combine breast and bottle, but most babies manage it fine.

ShowOfHands · 10/02/2010 13:25

But the OP can't express violethill so the bottle isn't possible.

My dd is 2.9 and dh and I have been out twice together without dd and that was in the last couple of months. DH did take her out to the shops or to the park/for a walk for a couple of hours regularly but she wasn't left with anybody outside of dh and me until she was 2+.

And is she clingy and frightened? Nope. On Saturday dh and I went out for a few hours and she stayed with Grandma. She waved us off happily and told us what a brilliant time she'd had when we got back. She'll go to nursery from September for a couple of days a week (assuming the early years whatsit isn't null and void by then) but for now I'm happy that she isn't separated from me. She is a gregarious, independent, happy, sociable girl.

It feels right to me and hasn't done her an ounce of harm. I'd rather have eaten a live snake than leave her at 9 weeks.

DoraJo · 10/02/2010 13:27

As others have said YANBU. 9 weeks is tiny and you should go with your instincts; you will know when you feel ready. I'd suggest not publicising a time limit on it; gut instinct is a strong but private feeling and may surprise you when it changes! The first time I left my first with anyone other than DH was when DS was 5 months old and I left him at home with my Mum for a couple of hours. With DD, I left her, again at home with my Mum, when she was 3 months old for a couple of hours. (I was only round the corner tho so could get back easily if she was hungry.) Do ignore anyone that says you're being unreasonable not to leave your 9 week old with anyone other than their Dad!

violethill · 10/02/2010 13:30

Showofhands - I agree if you can't express, then it's limiting and there's nothing you can do if you want to exclusively bf

But the OP said in the last post that she 'didn't want to introduce a bottle' which is a bit misleading as it implies that she could if she chose to, but thinks there is something inherently negative about a bottle - which of course there isn't! My dc's enjoyed many bottles of breastmilk

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