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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to never want to leave my baby?

84 replies

eggontoast · 07/02/2010 09:43

DD9wks. Second child. I just do not want to go anywhere without her. The thread that joins us wont stretch far enough yet.

I bf and do not want to leave her with bottles. I just don't want to risk her crying for me.

DH does not mind, but I have had some comments from others, that I am being unreasonable.

All too soon, she will be running away from my cuddles like my DS 3.4. I don't think it is wrong to totally devote my time to her through her first year or two?

This is what my instinct is telling me to do.
Am I alone in feeling like this?

ie. missed christmas do, take her with me to a meal for someones leaving do, miss sil hen do which is overnight in Sheffield etc.

OP posts:
Bicnod · 07/02/2010 11:08

YANBU. DS is 9 months old and I didn't leave him at all for the first four months , and then only with DH, and only very rarely. We managed a lunch out just me and DH a couple of weeks ago (my mum and dad looked after DS) but haven't gone out for the evening yet. Do what feels right to you and sod what anyone else thinks. You sound like a lovely mummy by the way

BalloonSlayer · 07/02/2010 11:08

I BF all mine, couldn't express and couldn't give formula due to dairy/soya allergies. I never left them therefore until they were quite an age but TBH I don't think I would have wanted to either.

NellyNaggBagg · 07/02/2010 11:09

Mine are 7 and 5, and I have yet to leave them apart from sending them to school!!

you · 07/02/2010 11:39

9 WEEKS?! Blardy hell, when DD was 9 weeks I was practically still in the pyjamas I gave birth in

She's now 10 months and I left her for the first time last week!

piscesmoon · 07/02/2010 12:16

I think that by the time they are 7yrs and 5yrs it is healthy for everyone to have a break from each other!

Pikelit · 07/02/2010 12:58

9 weeks is still very tiny and I think you should go with your instincts while still keeping a sense of perspective.

I always left DH with my dcs right from the moment I came home from hospital with them. Not for long, admittedly, but I took the view that if I'd allowed him to make the babies, the least I could do was allow him to look after them.

mrsboogie · 07/02/2010 13:06

she's a newborn! of course YANBU.

gizzy1973 · 07/02/2010 14:00

i must be a terrible mother as i left ds at 9 days with my mum while we popped out to aldi for 15 mins and then left him with dh at 3 weeks while i went to post office and shop for an hour - ds is only 4 weeks old now and was so wanted by us both

Abihattie · 07/02/2010 14:08

YANBU. I'm totally with you on that one. My youngest is 6 months and it's only now that I feel we can start to be apart a bit - now and then and the only person who I feel comfortable enough to leave her with is my Mum.
You need your baby and your baby needs you. Enjoy your special time

PrincessBoo · 07/02/2010 14:09

YANBU.

I think we are hormonally programmed to be like this. Like CatIsSleepy I was exactly the same - couldn't chill when DH offered to give me a break anyway!

Now DS is 2 I beg DH for a break so I can go on Mumsnet chill.

lovechoc · 07/02/2010 14:17

9 weeks seems fine but there does come a point when you will need time-out to be on your own for a while. enjoy this special time.

KimiLivesInStarbucks · 07/02/2010 15:00

Do you think you have PND? It seems an over reaction. Speak to your HV.

piscesmoon · 07/02/2010 15:30

I don't think it is PND-she is a tiny baby! Just enjoy it. It would be different if you felt the same way in a year's time. (I do think you ought to let DH have time on his own-however you feel).

violethill · 07/02/2010 16:20

Is your partner happy about never having time alone with his child?

I agree that it's no one outside the family's business, but the child's father is an equal parent, and it may be even harder for him in some ways if he's out at work so gets less time with his child anyway, if he then feels that he can't have any 'alone' time. Of course family time with both parents is great too, but I think there's something special about each parent having their own time.

Bf doesn't have to be an issue at all - I fully bf and left dc1 when she was a week old to do the supermarket shop. It was either DH go shopping and me stay home, or vice versa, and I figured that having been in hospital and then at home since giving birth, while DH was already back to work, it seemed fairest all round to let him have some time with the baby.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with our children - they're lovely after all !- but when it becomes an exclusive thing which doesn't let the other parent get a look in, then it's probably emotionally not very healthy.

Disenchanted3 · 07/02/2010 16:22

My youngest is 13 months and ive not been away from her yet

MollieO · 07/02/2010 16:25

I can understand not wanting to leave your baby at current age (although I left ds overnight for 3 weeks when he was 12 days old - no choice he was in hospital). However if you were a friend of mine and said that you didn't plan on leaving your dd with anyone until she was 2 yrs I'd think you were barking.

WidowWadman · 07/02/2010 16:44

YANBU for feeling like you do, but if you're totally giving into it and never let the child's father take over YABU and very unfair, to him, to the child and to yourself.

There's no need to leave her for long yet, if you're really uncomfortable. But just short spell, e.g. when you nip to the news agent, or go for a quick trip to get some things from the supermarket. Just to show your husband that you trust him and that he can show you that you can trust him.

I remember when we got home from hospital, 2 days after my daughter was born. I left her with her dad to go to the chippy to buy dinner for us, and also to have just those 10 minutes to myself to clear my head. I remember how weirdly scared I was that something bad might happen while I'm away. I actually called him on the phone while waiting to be served. I felt equally apprehensive for a while everytime I nipped out to do something on my own, even if it was only short. It was a totally irrational fear and I'm glad I forced myself to overcome it over and over again.

My reward is a child who is equally attached to both parents, and while I totally understand why you feel like you do, I'd always recommend trying to overcome this. The longer you leave it, the more difficult it will get.

thesecondcoming · 07/02/2010 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LifeOfKate · 07/02/2010 16:52

YANBU, I have an 8 week old DS and feel the same. Also ebf and have no desire to express, so I really feel like I have to be fairly close as even though he goes 2-3 hours between feeds, sometimes it's shorter and I wonder what would happen if the only person able to feed him wasn't there.
I suspect that I will want a little space once he is getting on well with weaning, but absolutely no desire to leave him anywhere for any length of time until 6 months minimum.
I have left him with DH while I went and picked up a takeaway, so about 20 mins and that was plenty
DH does have time with him on the weekends while I get on with jobs around the house which suits us both... DH shares my concerns about me not being fairly close for feeding purposes.

Original poster
eggontoast · 08/02/2010 08:35

I have read all the comments. I am glad in the main, people think I am being reasonable.

To those who have made valid points to the contrary:

I am lucky, my DH is very understanding of my maternal bond; I walk the dog for 20 mins 2x per day, take my phone so I can run back if baby cries for milk, so he does get time alone with baby - I should have mentioned this.

Grandparents don't live close.

I can't express, do not want to introduce any formula.

I don't have many friends, just a few close 'couple' friends and one best girl friend; they are all completely happy for me to always bring kids in tow/toe?? (cannot spell)

I don't 'plan' on never leaving baby till she is 2! I go back to work full time when she is one. I just meant, devoting myself, ie. at the expense of parties etc. (dont always explain myself very well!)

Thanks for all the points though. I suppose I thought I was not being unreasonable, just wanted to hear others points of view.

OP posts:
Original poster
eggontoast · 08/02/2010 08:36

I definitely do not have PND!, just very strong hormonal ties and bond with my beautiful, angel daughter.

OP posts:
BouncingTurtle · 08/02/2010 08:55

YANBU! Your dd is tiny, she has been in the world for far less time that she was growing inside of you.
And as you have already fine, she will get to an age where she will be too busy for cuddles.

I hate being apart from DS (2.1). He is just such a scrummy little thing. We do have lots of time apart, which is nice for both of us (DH will take him to his parents for the day to allow me to work) and he has been going to nursery (though is finishing due to financial stuff). And I always miss him

You only get this time with your lo once. Make the most of it, and ignore what other people say!

Vinomum · 08/02/2010 11:47

I don't think YABU as such, but I do think that, whilst being a mum changes your whole focus and becomes the most important thing in your life, it's important to keep your own identity apart from being a mother IYSWIM.

I love being a mum, I love my boys, and I miss them terribly when I'm away from them, but I'm still a wife, a friend, a colleague, I'm still a person with my own hobbies and interests. I love my husband just as much now as I did before we had children, and so it's important for me to spend time just with him, just focusing on him and me, without the baby being in the background constantly. Same with friends, I'm sure most of my friends would certainly not be impressed if we arranged to go out for a pizza and I turned up with DS2 in tow.

The first time I left DS2 he was 2 weeks old. DH and I went out for a meal while MIL babysat. DS2 is 10 months old now and DH and I go out alone once a month and at the weekends we give each other time to do our own thing for a couple of hours away from the kids. Doesn't mean I haven't got a strong maternal bond with my children, or that I don't enjoy being with them. i just don't feel the need to be with them 24/7 to be a good mum. It's just a question of balance IMO.

StealthPolarBear · 08/02/2010 11:53

yanbu, DS is 3 and it's only been since he was about 2 that I've been 'happy' to leave him with people for a short while (though I did leave him before that but unhappily).
I don't think it indicates a problem - quite the opposite, especially at 9 weeks!

Francagoestohollywood · 08/02/2010 11:58

Of course you are not being unreasonable, she is tiny!!!
I think I did leave mine with dh or their grandparents for a very short time (not longer than 1.5 hr as I was breast feeding) at that age. But we are all different, aren't we?

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