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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For going against DP's controlling ways?

79 replies

TakeAChair · 06/02/2010 18:44

Ever since me and DP got together he has made it clear that he is in charge. Even though he denies this, he makes it obvious in other ways.

It especially becomes apparant with the kids.

If they ask if they can have something, no matter what I say ... the end result has to come from him.

Like at christmas, my kids are used to having a stocking at the end of their bed. He refused to allow this as it wasn't the way he does things. (first christmas together).

My kids are used to being allowed to open their birthday presents on my bed in a morning. He won't allow this anymore.

Yesterday the kids asked "what's for afters" after their tea. I was just about to speak when DP shouted "yogurt".

The kids then scurried off to get yogurt.

What he says, goes. If I was to say something else, the kids would look to him as if to say "Is that ok?"

I'm sick of it.

Tonight, the kids asked "what's for afters?"

DP immediately said "fruit".

I added "or, you can have a packet of crisps."

Anyway he immediately rubbished my suggestion saying "no way, they're not having crisps" etc and the kids scurried off to get fruit. I got annoyed and went to the kitchen and said "you can have crisps if you want, it's the weekend after all" (bare in mind they've had no crisps or sweets at all today and they have a very healthy diet otherwise).

Anyway he went absolutely nuts. Started shouting and screaming at me. Ffing and blinding, calling me childish etc, he got really realy angry.

I tried to explain that I have as much say in the house as he does and he just got even angrier.

So, was I in the wrong here?

OP posts:
Vallhala · 06/02/2010 18:47

No, you're not in the wrong.

By "my kids" I presume you mean that the children are yours from a former relationship and are not your partner's?

In which case, kick him out, lock the doors and reclaim control of YOUR life and YOUR children... and don't ever let him near them again.

geordieminx · 06/02/2010 18:49

what valhala said

CelticStarlight · 06/02/2010 18:50

YANBU

I am assuming that the children aren't his but are yours from another relationship? If so, I think you either need to nip this in the bud right now or get rid of him TBH. Making your children change their Christmas habits is completely unreasonable and out of order and it is worrying that your children now see his pronouncements as the word of law within your home.

Do something about it before it gets out of hand - but, I have to be honest, I think you're on a loser here and will probably need to give him the boot eventually. He's too controlling.

Sparkletastic · 06/02/2010 18:51

Why are you with him?

onepieceoflollipop · 06/02/2010 18:54

This is very upsetting, and will be even more so for your dc. So they have been used to doing things a certain way (e.g. at Christmas) and he has tried to manipulate and control this to get his own way, and has succeeded.

He sounds a dangerous and nasty man tbh.

Please think very carefully about the future of this relationship, if not for your sake then definitely for your children. They must be so confused and unhappy.

thesteelfairy · 06/02/2010 18:56

No, YANB at all U.

My exh used to try to be like this, I ended up fighting against it for 8 years. I was mentally ill by the end.

It is a crystal clear sign of abuse when the "male" of the house overrides the "female" and is the last point of contact where discipline issues are concerned. Your children are already looking at him for the final word. I couldn't bear it myself.

thesteelfairy · 06/02/2010 18:58

HOLD ON! They are NOT even HIS kids? Just noticed this. Get rid of him. How dare he? I am livid on your behalf .

LaurieFairyCake · 06/02/2010 19:00

Get rid of him.

There is no other response apart from 'keep yourself safe' while getting rid of him.

Original poster
TakeAChair · 06/02/2010 19:02

It's driving me mad. He was really screaming and shouting at me. Swearing at me, practically growling at me and I heard DS say "is that all over a packet of crisps??" and he's just 11.

DP doesn't seem to realise how unreaosnable he is being. He says I'm a hypocrite because I have insisted on healthy eating in the past ... and I still do but 1 bag of crips???

He said "You never back me up on anything" but the truth is, I back him up on EVERYTHING, even stuff I don't agree with just to keep the peace

OP posts:
Tinuviel · 06/02/2010 19:05

Get rid of him quickly - leopards rarely change their spots. If he could see after the event that he had been in the wrong and was willing to apologise, I would say that there was a chance. As it is, he is only likely to get worse.

thesteelfairy · 06/02/2010 19:05

Your dc will end up hating him you know and if you stay with him they will end having no respect whatsover for you for allowing this. I am sorry if that sounds harsh but it is true. I swear on all that is most precious to me that the Christmas Stocking thing would have been the end of the relationship for me. No-one and I mean NO-ONE would tell me what Christmas traditions I could have for my children, or whether I know I could give them a packet of crips. What an absolute tool he sounds. I am really shocked by this.

Crocky · 06/02/2010 19:05

He has been with you less than a year and you are allowing him to change traditions that you and the children have? Why??

Pikelit · 06/02/2010 19:08

See this bloke? He needs to be history.

I'm afraid I see very clear echoes of the behaviour shown by my disaster of an ex-husband who I married, stupidly quickly, after divorcing my sons' father. Things don't get better. I don't necessarily think your DP is dangerous but I do think it is going to be acutely unhealthy for your dcs to witness this behaviour.

Sidge · 06/02/2010 19:10

Run, run like the wind.

This is not a healthy adult relationship.

BitOfFun · 06/02/2010 19:10

How awful for your children- stick up for them and GET RID. It will only get worse. Soon they'll be sleeping in the boxroom!

Original poster
TakeAChair · 06/02/2010 19:12

W have been together longer than a year but lived together less.

I have spoken secretely to his ex wife who says he was the same with her. Stopped her seeing friends, threw stuff at her in temper and twice physically picked her up and threw her into a table.

He doesn't listen. Only his word counts. No doubt in a couple of days he will admit to "over-reacting" about the crisps but its a re-occuring over-reaction.

OP posts:
thesteelfairy · 06/02/2010 19:13

"My kids are used to being allowed to open their birthday presents on my bed in a morning. He won't allow this anymore."

Can this thread be for real? I don't know who could possibly allow this kind of behaviour from a relatively new partner. I really am horrified by this thread.

Crocky · 06/02/2010 19:14

So you are going to continue to put up with it?

lovechoc · 06/02/2010 19:17

get out of the relationship IMO, that's just not healthy for you or your children. you shouldn't feel intimidated by him. he's supposed to support you not put you down in front of your children.

Lifeinagoldfishbowl · 06/02/2010 19:17

so whats your poa - dump him or keep him tbh it sounds like you're not sure - listen to the voice of reason and get the hell out of there while your questioning his authority and before he gets even more controlling.

Original poster
TakeAChair · 06/02/2010 19:18

No I'm not. He's gone off in a major strop because I told him I would not discuss it with him until he calmed down. But rather than discuss it anyway, I think I'm going to look at getting rid. I just want to be on my own with my kids again. I feel like I live in a prison.

OP posts:
LadyintheRadiator · 06/02/2010 19:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crocky · 06/02/2010 19:20

Now you are beginning to make sense.
Do this for yourself and your kids.
You all deserve better.

scottishmummy · 06/02/2010 19:21

what are you going to do TAC? this appears to be his modus operandi and repeated with you.you describe a boorish horrid man.what will you do to keep your children and you safe and sane

remember children observe and see behaviours.they pick up on a nuance and bad atmosphere.

as there mum you have a responsibility to them,to not expose them to this bully

heQet · 06/02/2010 19:23

I would wonder how long before he raises a hand to you. When he cannot control you in any other way...

I hope you do get out. You and your children deserve more than this. Who the HELL does he think he is? You should get angry with this man!