To "use up" a home start volunteer for myself...

[Bathsheba]

3 months ago I was really ill - I had bi-lateral (used to be called double) pneumonia, and swine flu, all whilst being 7 months pregnant. I was very ill but they wouldn't admit me to hopsital or give me anything other than standard gp care etc...

While I was ill I contacted my midwife and HV because I was in a position where my DH needed to go back to work (and go abroad for a number of days) but I couldn't look after my children - I was too ill. They looked into various options for me including Social Services Childminding but in the end my Dh was able to take 2 weeks dependants leave. However, at this point my Hv referred me to Home Start so that I would have some support if anything like that ever happened again.

I have since had my baby and I'm almost fully recovered from my c-section but my Dh is off back to work on Monday. I have 3 dds - 1 is ages 6 and at school full time, DD2 is 3 and goes to playgroup for 3 sessions a week and DD3 is 3 weeks old and is yummy.

The Home Start Co-ordinator phoned and said they now have a volunteer for me who can come and see me for a few hours a week and either give me a hand round the house, or look after the baby etc while I go and have a shower for example.

I feel really torn...I guess I'm a fairly typical middle class SAHM - my DH comes home every night (often at 6:30 - 7 but he is here every day apart from the odd business trip abroad) and my Mum is local. I also have a cleaner for a few hours once a week, which means the place isn't permanantly like a show home but it means that the bathrooms etc are regularly cleaned. I drive and have access to a car every day so we get out and about and I can take the girls to their activities. They have extra things like tennis lessons and ballet which, yes its sometimes a bit of a hassle to take them to, but at the end of the day these are optional things we have chosen for them to do and really I can't complain about them...

However the idea of someone coming round so I can have a LONG shower during the day, and maybe get a chance to tidy the bigger girls's room sounds fantastic - when my Mum is round I don't really do those types of things because she is here with me and we do things together....although I'm sure she'd watch the girls if I ask.

I had PND after DD1 was born, and PTSD after DD2 was born, so I can see why my HV is keen to surround me with support, but I feel a fraud taking a much needed volunteer away from possibly a single Mum or someone with little local family support, or a Mum without the opportunities I have.

The Home Start Co-ordinator is coming round to see me on Monday afternoon to discuss things and I'm really wondering if I should embrace the opportunity and say thank you, or if I should really explain that I feel a bit of a fraud and I understand her volunteers are like gold dust and someone more deserving really should have this volunteers time rather than me...

now you're just getting petty.

Here here Morloth.

Am staggered that so many people on this thread are busy feeling bitter and angry at the supposed 'cheek' and 'entitlement' of the OP that they seem to forget that she has 3 children (one of whom is only 3 weeks old). They deserve the very best love and care they can get, and they will undoubtedly benefit from having a mother who is able to look after them the best she can, knowing she has some much needed support, and knowing the risk of her getting PND or a re-occurence of mental health problems is greatly reduced by that support.

It seems like such a no-brainer to me, doing what we can to prevent PND before it hits - yes, of course it's unfair and a crying shame that all new mothers and parents can't access this level of support as standard, but that is not the fault of the OP. Poor thing is being badly and infairly scapegoated because of some posters (understandable but misguided) frustrations

But the point is we don't know the OP's case-only she does.

We can see she was referred because she was very unwell a few months ago, and we can guess she may need support in case she develops mental health concerns. The OP isn't saying she needs emotional health support though.

But the OP has not been back and I don't blame her.

All this guessing and finger pointing is not helpful to OP.

You have a very bad attitude thesecondcoming.You come across as an angry woman,who argues here way around mumsnet.

She wasn't offered a homestart volunteer when she had pneumonia. She has been offered one now. I assume the HV was aware that she would probably have recovered from the pneumonia by the time she had her baby and yet still she referred her.

Can't believe how nasty some people have been on here.

Surely one should accept all help offered whilst baby is tiny - especially with history of serious MH issues after first two.

Please ignore silly comments on here. I always felt MN was a supportive forum so much for sisterhood.

I absolutly agree with the idea of taking the help now and volunteering later when you have more time.

Congratulations on your new baby.

I should add - which makes me think that the HV had reasons other than the immediate illness for the referral. Which you may not know about thesecondcoming.

Homestart isn't about applying a sticking plaster to a visible wound. Very often there are no visible signs that somebody needs Homestart- it is often what cannot be seen but how someone feels that is the most important thing to consider.

It is usually the most appropriate form of support where a parent needs another parent who understands their challenges.

Quite often families are referred to Homestart if an underlying issue is suspected. I don't mean anything sinister by that, but it could be that a parent has low-level depression or is considered to be at risk of this.

Having just a couple of hours of support can prevent depression-just by offering a parent some 'me' time, giving them some time and space to get up-to-date on a few jobs and clear their head.

Please don't be so judgemental you lot!

OP YANBU - take the help that has been offered. When you feel that you no longer need the help, tell the volunteer.

If you can help Homestart yourself in the future, do so, and give back a little. Don't feel guilty.

When I had PND I struggled for months and eventually got a place at a place called Oxpip, and had 6 months of counselling, one hour a week. This charity helped me so much. They changed me, and they changed the way I parent my son very much for the better.

I have not been able to offer any monetary donation to them yet (but fully intend to in the future). We have our own house, I have a supportive partner, we are (on the outside) well off and and I suppose some people would think I should have paid for my own counsellor. We couldn't afford it, and I don't think I would have sought it if we could - my GP pushed me again and again to try Oxpip, and I'm so glad I tried it...

Slightly different, yes, but if I'd posted a similar OP wrt counselling I would have been in bits to receive responses like some of the ones on this thread. Of course there may have been people more deserving than me (aren't there always people more deserving)

Doesn't mean I didn't need it.

thefallenmadonna

In OP it says HV made referral at time of pneumonia

Would the HV not be aware of the waiting time for homestart then?

I know that's when the referral was made, but I'm suggesting it may not have been the HV's sole reason for referral.

DL - the op said 'The Home Start Co-ordinator phoned and said they now have a volunteer for me who can come and see me for a few hours a week and either give me a hand round the house, or look after the baby etc while I go and have a shower for example.'

That to me reads as if it was the co-ordinator who suggested the blessed shower in the first place. Unaccountably she forgot to mention that the op needs to be a poor single parent with a diagnosed mental illness before she gets said shower...

TSC - your attitude leaps out from your posts I'm afraid. The op's circumstances haven't changed very much actually - when referred she was unwell, pregnant and with a history of mental illness for both her and her partner. Now she is recovering from a major op as well as the pneumonia (which takes time), caring for a newborn and of course still has a previous mental health history. She is vulnerable and it's really concerning that as somebody who volunteers for homestart you can't see that but rather prefer to spend you energy giving your view on how she should be acting.

One other thing- if you are open and honest with your coordinator when she visits, and you are still allocated a volunteer then that's a clear sign that you are eligible for it.

If you don't meet their criteria you won't be allocated a volunteer.

I employ Homestart coordinators by the way

thesecondcoming, you seem to be missing the point that the OP has questioned her right to his and clearly is going to feel a bit guilty if she takes it. Your posts seem to imply that she thinks it's absolutely fine and dandy to have this HS volunteer when clearly if that was the case she wouldn't have bothered to post here but would just have taken it.

Instead of being all 'how very dare she' about it, at least give her the credit for having questioned whether or not she should have the volunteer - that's the only reason you know about it at all!

Just a reminder of the OP:

"I'm really wondering if I should embrace the opportunity and say thank you, or if I should really explain that I feel a bit of a fraud and I understand her volunteers are like gold dust and someone more deserving really should have this volunteers time rather than me..."

So where do people get this idea that the OP is just selfishly grabbing something without thinking twice, just because she fancies a shower? It's bizarre.

You have your own particular idea of what counts as meaningful in this context I suppose, unfortunately it doesn't seem to coincide with Homestart's, which is a shame.

Well a huge chunk of parenting involves mindless and pointless tasks. If you grudge it that much maybe you should volunteer with trees or cats or something? They will probably be less offended by your potty mouth too.

tethersend you are not being helpfull. The OP has been ill and is recovering. I'm sure she will only get a volunteer if she needs one. A lot of people have been so rude its no wonder the OP has not come back.

deste - I think tethersend was being sarcastic.

Appologies if she was.

I think this thread is pretty revealing of the class hatred on MN - boundary-less opposition of values...

Are there perhaps middle-class Home Start volunteers for middle-class needs, and working-class Home Start volunteers to meet working-class needs?