To insist my son leaves college?

[AlevelDevil]

My son is 16 and at college studying for his A Levels. He's doing Maths, English, Drama and Media Studies. He's bright (I know, everyone says their child is!) but lazy and almost every teacher he's ever had has said the same thing. It was a real struggle to get him to do his GCSE coursework and we regularly had calls and letters home asking us to make sure he got things done. He ended up in isolation for two days so that he could complete his English Literature coursework on time!

He started college in September last year so has only been going for about four months and so far we've had six letters home complaining that work is late and threatening him with "Non entry status". He doesn't differentiate, these are from all subjects, so it's not that he's struggling with just one. I'm not sure he's struggling at all though. It's not that he can't do the work. He just won't do it.

One of his teachers phoned me at home to say that she'd had complaints from another teacher about him messing about in class and being silly and she said that she had also had the same problems but had spoken to him and things had improved. She said that he was late with work in all subjects and could we talk to him about it. I said I would but that it would be pointless as he just denies everything the teachers say. eg: When I was told at parent's evening that he had been in isolation I rang him and he said he hadn't. The teacher was right infront of me and he said it wasn't true.

When the letters have arrived home from college complaining that work is late he says that they've got it now and that their system is slow. He denied messing around in class and said the teacher has him confused with someone else. The letter we received this morning said that he's not going to lessons. I haven't mentioned it to him yet as I know he'll say "They're confused!" and it's impossible to discuss something with someone who is denying the whole situation.

My partner says it's a waste of time him being there and that he should leave and get a job but my son wants to stay. I don't think he wants to stay because he wants to do the work though. He likes the social aspect of college life. He has much more freedom now that he is 16 and not at school and goes out straight after dinner most week day evenings and is out most of the weekends but I do try to insist he's home before 10.30pm. He also has a part time job but they only call when they need him so it's only ever a couple of Saturdays or Sundays a month.

We have said repeatedly that if he doesn't pull his socks up then he'll have to leave the college but he says we want to ruin the rest of his life by not letting him do A Levels but his report put him on course for D grades and that's only if he isn't given the "Non entry status" threatened!

Is it reasonable to think that at some point we say enough is enough and at what point do we say it?

Would he work better at another private scool or a tutorial college like MPW in London where they report if you attend, make you do the work etc.

Definitely get him to see the school counsellor. May be although it really ought to be up to him, keep a list of when he is due to hand work in, the night before make sure he has done it etc which clearly is really up to him but it might help.

Do the college have a text message system where they text if student not present.

This is common in a lot of secondary schools so the parents and school can deal with the problem there and then

rather thanit becoming a bggers problem and letters being sent home.

Could you ask to have this, the college are sending you a lot of letters but what are they actually doing to help - it needs to be a two way support not just the college sending letters home and expecting you to deal with it on your own.

So when you phone them ask what measures they are taking to support your son and you in getting you to help him also.

This is not meant in an accusation way but in a lets see whether two sides can support and help rather than just the parents on one side. Also the thought of seeling all the help you can get from the profesionals as they must have others teens in the situaton and what have they done there to help along the way, they must have had lots of the years - prode them for there valuable knowlegde of what to do.

I don't see how getting other people to make sure he buckles down is a lot of good. He is almost 17yrs. If he goes to university it is entirely up to him, you as a parent will know nothing- and if you ask they won't tell you anything! The motivation has to come from him. Going to Connexions with him for an interview is much more productive than him having one on his own at school. Has he tried some of the online career questionaires where you answer questions and they come up with suitable careers?
Fast Tomato
UCAS Stamford test
There are probably others.
I would try and motivate him. Have a meeting with college to discuss his work/motivation.
I wouldn't make him leave-he will be able to blame you for any failures in his life in the future. Let nature take its course, he will be asked to leave eventually, unless he changes his ways. It isn't the end of the world-he can go back when he sees the value of it.

Maybe getting a job would do him good? I messed about at college and my Dad drove me to the Job Centre and sat next to me while I spoke to an adviser and applied for loads of "big part-time" (ie abut 20 hours or so a week). I got a job at the local library, and worked it around college for a couple of months, but realised I preferred work and dropped out of college. I registered for, and passed with flying colours, an OU course the next year, and could have got a degree that way, but then the world of drinking and partying got in the way, then I started having babies, so haven't got round to finishing my degree, but not sure I would have even if I had gone the traditional route.

The thing is, he is kind of a half adult now. He could get married, join the army and all sorts, so you need to tell him to make the decision himself. I presume you don't give him pocket money if he is messing about so much?

YANBU

Haven't read whole thread so apologies if I'm repeating things others have said.

My tuppence on your question - as a former bone idle teenager (partially reformed and still studying at 43) and ex FE lecturer would be to say that one of the two following courses of action might produce worthwhile results.

1. Hope the college throws him out - see his teachers if he is being allowed to constantly break deadlines and ultimatums with no consequences. Quietly encourage them to exclude him if he doesn't change his lazy way. If he is asked to leave his academic course make it clear you expect him to work. Full-time. And pay his own way. Do not under any circumstances supplement his meagre income.

My parents did this to me at 18 after I dropped out of my A-levels. I moved out and had a succession of poorly paid, horribly boring jobs for the next three years. By the age of 21 I was positively gagging to get back to college and do some work.....once I realised how incredibly interesting writing essays was compared to restocking the rails at Top Shop.

2. If you would prefer him to stay at college in hope that he'll change, you could try offering him £200 to read this book: zen

As someone who was so poorly motivated and mentally lacking in discipline I used to find studying psychologically painful, I can strongly recommend it.

You will have to read it first, and you may also have to bribe him with a week off. Make it clear you won't give him the £200 unless he is able to comment coherently and knowledgeably on the content.

What he really doesn't need is feeling he has carte-blanche to carry on wasting the resources of his college and disrupting the education of the other students.

Education is a privilege and if he isn't going to appreciate it he should feck off and give his space up to someone who'll make good use of it.

Sorry to sound so harsh, but I spent 10 years teaching students like your son and I used to come home every night feeling - what a waste - of their youth and their teachers' energy and expertise. This time in his life is too important for him to be allowed to spend his days pissing about doing things in a half-arsed way. He should be growing emotionally and intellectually - not drifting along in a fug of self-absorbed idleness.

A small update...

I received ANOTHER letter from college this morning. This time it was from the drama department. Usual stuff... He's behind with work. He's "unacceptably disorganised". If he doesn't meet targets he'll fall into non entry status.

I phoned the college and spoke to his year tutor. It seems she's well aware of what's going on as each of his teachers have spoken to her about him. Apparently he is missing lessons and messing around when he is there. She asked if I thought he wanted to be in college. I said that I had asked him that myself and he says that he does but I think he wants to be there because he enjoys being with his friends and it's better than being in full time work. She agrees. So, we're meeting on Thursday. She going to set targets that have to be met and she's going to try to get him to understand that when she says he's on route to being asked to leave it's not an idle threat. She's going to curb his free periods and see that he goes to lessons. If he doesn't make the targets within a certain timespan then he's out.

It's such a relief to be listened to and to know that they're going to help instead of just sending letters home asking me to discuss the matter with him.

Thank you again for all your advice and suggestions and I'll let you know how it goes on Thursday.

She sounds on the ball. Good luck on Thursday!

Bump - nosey about how Thursday went.

Hi again and sorry for the delay in this update.

DS1, my partner and I went to the meeting on Thursday and the interim reports were out so the teacher we met was able to look at his current grades, predicted grades, effort grades and attendance records.

As you can probably guess it wasn't good. Effort grades were dreadful. His current grades are Cs apart from maths which is a D. She was concerned about his lesson attendance as despite being registered as in the building he wasn't at all his lessons.

She was really great. I went in feeling like an awful parent who'd just come to moan (I did moan) but instead of giving DS1 sympathetic looks for having a miserable Mum she agreed with me that he wasn't too ill to go to lessons and that he'd just fancied spending an hour chatting to friends. She also said, as I'd said, that she felt he wasn't there to learn but just there for the social side of college life.

DS1 was very embarrassed when she told him that one of the teachers had complained to her that he was throwing paper around during one lesson and that one of his English teachers had told her that she's moved him to a table on his own (He hadn't told us that). He defended himself re the paper throwing but she said that had it just been one teacher that had said his class behaviour was immature then she may have let it go but that ALL his teachers had said the same thing.

She suggested to him that it might be better for him to leave the college and get a job but he said he didn't want to. She told him that if he wanted to stay then he'd have to raise his effort grades in all subjects by the next interim reports. He'll also have to improve his behaviour in class and she didn't want any more complaints. She has taken two double free periods from his timetable and basically made them study periods and he has to sign in to show he's been. They won't ask him to leave if the effort grades have not improved though. Their procedure is to not enter him for the exams. He can stay on at the college, so long as he doesn't make a nuisance of himself, but that he or us would have to pay for him to take the exams.

I said that if we get to the point where the college won't enter him for the exams then he leaves. No quibbling. No more meetings. He has to leave. He agreed to this in the meeting then we all signed an agreement stating that we all understood what was expected.

So, there we are. I feel more positive and I'm glad the college took things seriously and basically told him that they were aware that he had been taking the piss a bit but that he needed to shape up if he wanted to carry on there.

Thanks for all your advice and replies.

Does he want to go to Uni or get a job after A levels? Only asking as my DS1 (17) supposedly an A* student , went to look around Oxford uni, lost his motivation (enjoyed dossing with his mates too much) and got BBBCC for his AS grades. This has realy affected his Uni applications, and he's realised he can no longer set his sights so high and go for his dream job in the end.
He'd be the first to say don't piss about during AS year, it can screw your plans up!
Your DS should be writing up his revision notes by now for all supjects, then doing practice papers ready for May, and lots of them. College can provide these. You can also get revision books for his subjects from amazon or similar. Just find out what exam board he has for each subject so you get the right ones. And tell him there is no social life till he prioritises his work & future, if he stops and argues, he loses his bedroom door and privacy! My DS hated the idea of that one!!
Finally, good luck!