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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

birthing partners-not MIL!

71 replies

Haitch27 · 06/02/2010 03:11

My MIL is presuming she will be attending the birth of her grandchild and my partner is worried when he gently points out it is a private thing for him and I (and medical staff as well) she will start getting defensive and upset and emotionally blackmailing him.
Has anyone else experienced this kind of thing with in-laws interfering so much?
Also anyone who is not a blood relative to her gets insulted constantly for their parenting skills and I know I am next in line-HELP on how to deal with her would be gratefully appreciated!

OP posts:

psychomum5 · 06/02/2010 03:16

agree whatever you like, but just don;t tell her when you are in labour.

she can;t do much when you ring after to tell her baby has been born can she

Trickle · 06/02/2010 03:18

Don't know about your mat unit but ours only allows one birth partner - unless one is a doula.

Awkward situation - but totally unreasnoble of her - I'd be tempted to just say you were only allowed one person at the birth (that is if you do only want your partner there).

I'm holding back a little on how cross I am for you - but I'm super hormonal right now and don't want to go overboard. Lets just say I sympathise and think it's a very unfair position to be put in.

Original poster

Haitch27 · 06/02/2010 03:21

I did suggest to my partner we dont tell her when I go into labour as she lives 6 hours away giving us plenty time after the birth before she decends on us but he felt that was a bit harsh?!?!
We also have no idea how long she is coming to visit for either when the time comes-its putting a blight on the whole event for me.
Thanks for your support-nice to know its not just me being neurotic with hormones

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 06/02/2010 03:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mnistooaddictive · 06/02/2010 03:43

You have to accept the problem is hers and not yours. If you starts to criicise you, just say "That's interesting" and "oh really" and "thanks for sharing that with me" while in your head you are singing "you're a silly bitch you're a silly bitch"
Well it usually works for me!
As for the birth, just lie and tell her she is not allowed, if you explain to the midwives they will back you up. Be VERY specific as to when she can visit. Ftom experience if she visits you in hospital they have visiting hours and she will be turfed out after a couple of hours whereas if she visits you at home she could be there all day ( or week).

We told everyone that there were lots of people who wanted to visit and they could come to see us at home for a specific slot a few hours long. Excplain you will be up to longer visits in a few weeks when someone else around may be useful to help out!

jaggythistle · 06/02/2010 07:01

I would maybe just go for not telling when you go into labour. I persuaded my H on this one, on the basis that I could be in labour for ages and I was!

I went into labour on a Saturday and S wasn't born until Monday night. I was at the hospital from late on Sunday and we didn't tell anyone till Monday morning I think.

I would have hated to have people lined up outside the door or trying to get in, visiting hours were later on anyway so it didn't stop then from seeing him as soon as possible.

Good luck

mummygirl · 06/02/2010 07:14

what planet is your mil from?

My mother wanted to be in the room when I was giving birth, I have no idea when she thiought we had gotten so close. I didn't even want her there for the scans, so DH and I went for them without saying a word.

When you say "visiting", do you mean she'll stay at yours when the baby is born?

has hse invited herself or is there any chance she's actually going to be helpful and let the newly delivered mummy rest

lindy100 · 06/02/2010 08:17

DOn't worry about being harsh - you'll quite possibly wish you had been MORE harsh when she is staring up your fangina!

2boys2 · 06/02/2010 08:23

my mother was adamant she was going to be there and I was just as adamant she wasn't!! She kept coming out with little gems like "you wont cope without me" "you will lose it (screaming in pain etc) cos I did" (WTF!!). Eventually she came out with the classic line of "I have told my work i am on standby for when you go into labour"(this was in front of my midwife who had brought some paperwork to my house) and so i calmly retorted that i didn't know why she had told work that as i have no intention of her being there and my husband was all i needed.

End of discussion.

When I went into labour suite I also made it clear that only my husband was allowed in with me. My mother ~(god knows how she knew!!) - phoned labour ward "to see how i was". The look of horror on my face said it all and the receptionist joked "do you think she is waiting in the carpark". I nodded and she said she wouldnt let anyone in no matter what they said!

diddl · 06/02/2010 08:26

FFS-i didn´t want my own mother there!

We told people after the birth-isn´t that what people usually do?

Why do people announce labour?
It never occured to us to do that.

GoldenSnitch · 06/02/2010 08:36

I gave birth 7 weeks ago and was only allowed 1 birth partner and no visitors except the baby's siblings on the ward due to swine flu.

Hopefully, your hospital will be the same and you can tell her she's not allowed to come to the birth without upsetting her.

Not that she should be insisting she comes anyway. I wouldn't want my Mum in the delivery suite never mind my MIL and I gave birth by ELCS!!

Jamieandhismagictorch · 06/02/2010 09:08

I had my mother there with DS1 and I kinda regret it - no time just with me and DH after the (traumatic) birth. she has also said she'd never do it again, as she found it much more upsetting and worrying than anyone predicted.

Anyhoo, that's not really relevant as you don't want your MIL there.

She is being totally unreasonable, but it sounds like a sign of things to come. I'm usually a supporter of MILs, but she is going to have to be managed.

No need to be nasty - just tell her you know how excited she is and how much it means to her, but the hospital will only allow 1 birth partner. If she pushes it, you'll need to be more assertive

thesecondcoming · 06/02/2010 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

compo · 06/02/2010 09:25

yanbu
your dh needs to grow a pair and tell his mother to back right off

TeaOneSugar · 06/02/2010 09:26

You need to make it clear it will be you and your DP only and it's not up for debate.

My MIL wanted to wait outside the room (which they wouldn't have allowed anyway), we let her know when I went in and then called her and my Mother when DD had arrived.

It's bonkers, does she know how long you might be in labour for !

Can you imagine giving birth with the MIL standing in the corner telling you they didn't push like that in her day !!!

2rebecca · 06/02/2010 09:32

Agree the problem is you husband who is being a total mummies boy. It's time for him to stand up to his mother and move away from her emotionally.
His mother shouldn't be able to emotionally manipulate him, he should have become immune to it by now.
He has to start putting your feelings before those of his mother and telling her stuff she doesn't want to hear, like she won't be present at the birth, and not telling her when you go into labour if you don't want her told. He's a man now not a little boy.
He obviously missed the adolescent rebellion stage of his life where you grow away from your parents and let their opinions wash over you and argue with them if you disagree.
You can't change your MIL but your husband can change the way he panders to her.

ErikaMaye · 06/02/2010 09:53

Am very fond of DPs mother, but the idea of her being there when I gave birth..? DS is 12 weeks old and the thought still makes me shudder!! Just tell her after the baby is born - it may seem harsh, but if you set that kind of president now it will be easier for you to tell her to stick her nose out when she does start interfering later on.

MrsTittleMouse · 06/02/2010 10:57

I agree - don't tell her that you're in labour. You'll be surprised at how good you'll be at hiding the contractions if you really need to - I went to dinner with my mad grandmother and was having contractions - there was no way that I wanted her to know. She still has no idea that I was in labour that evening.

PJsAreClothesToo · 06/02/2010 12:10

FGS, this if for your DH to deal with, not you. I'm not sure I would have given it a second thought actually - would just have laughed and assumed she was joking. Is she very controlling over your lives? Why do you allow it? Come on, you're having a child, now is a good time to grow up.

I mean this nicely, notmeaning to offend. But seriously, your MIL at the birth of your baby? This is not really a dilemma is it? It's just a case of you saying NO. And it's all over.

madusa · 06/02/2010 13:22

i think that at the moment, due to swine flu fears, a lot of hospitals are saying only one birth partner. Even doulas are having a hard time in attending.

Call the hospital and ask them ..... it may be one way to get your MIL off your back

ben5 · 06/02/2010 13:33

get your midwife to write on your docsa that your mil isn't allowed in the materity unit until the baby is born. medical in confirdence and everything. good luck. didn't want anyone but dh there

Bathsheba · 06/02/2010 13:40

Are you in the UK...? Just wondering, ebcause, from myexperience of watching US birth programs, they seem to have everyone they hav ever met in the delivery room....!!!

Definately check with your hospital - ours allows 1 birth partner and no-one waiting in the corridor (they make sure by having hardly any seats)....and even if thats not the rule in your hospital you can pretend it is..!!!!!!

Midwives are a fantastic advocate for you - they'll happily tell people they aren't allowed in the delviery room if you don;t want them there.

dinosaurinmybelly · 06/02/2010 13:44

You could definately use the "only one partner allowed" argument, but I think you could use this as an opportunity to set the ground rules going forward now. I have a similar problem and I wish I hadn't been so accomodating to begin with as she just ups the ante and I find myself dealing with something new. Unfortunately, having children you open yourself up more to this.

I would just explain that you don't feel comfortable having anyone but your husband there, and you hope she understands. Re: her visiting - again you have every right to want your place to yourself after the birth, so just say you'd really appreciate no overnight visitors at that time because you want to establish a bond / breastfeeding for example. I entirely sympathise, because I'm now on my 3rd pregnancy and my own family don't travel, so I have relied on MIL to be here for the birth of DS2 (so that someone could stay with DS1) and will have no option but to do same for this birth. I'm lucky to have this option of course, but I do get very stressed with her around .

pranma · 06/02/2010 13:49

I really would have loved to be with my dd when she gave birth but felt it was such a very personal,private thing for her and her dh that I didnt even mention it.I was there when I was called within minutes of the birth,stayed 5 minutes and am so grateful that they allowed me to share especially as I was dx with breast cancer 3 weeks later and saw very little of them for a few months.However I wouldnt have dreamed of enen thinking of being with d-i-l at or immediately after birth except that Turkish d-i-l wanted me there.
YANBU at all but your mil is!

NeedaNewName · 06/02/2010 14:00

Well I personally don;t think you should tell her that only one person is allowed att eh delivery. I do agree that there is no need to tell her that you are in labour - were you planning on telling anyone?

You need to out a stop to this nonsense now, and I don;t mean your MIL I mean your DP. You need to explain to him that he has to inform hi smother that she is not invited to the labour as it is a private event for the 2 of you, if he feels its better to make a joke of it then fine but seriously as has said by everyone he needs to grow a pair and stand up for himself and you now, its only going to get worse.

I understand that shes his mum and this is her grandchild but he is your partner and this is his (and yours) child.

I think there is nothing wrong with her visiting asap (and I don;t mean out in the corrider and coming to see you 5 mins later) but you need him to understand that his new family unit comes before anything else, even his beloved mum!

He doesn;t need to purposefully offend her, I realise that this might happen but that is her problem and the sooner you get this sorted the better.

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