birthing partners-not MIL!

[Haitch27]

My MIL is presuming she will be attending the birth of her grandchild and my partner is worried when he gently points out it is a private thing for him and I (and medical staff as well) she will start getting defensive and upset and emotionally blackmailing him.
Has anyone else experienced this kind of thing with in-laws interfering so much?
Also anyone who is not a blood relative to her gets insulted constantly for their parenting skills and I know I am next in line-HELP on how to deal with her would be gratefully appreciated!

Thinking about this more, I think that you should not lie to her or string her along (eg go along with it and then not tell her you are in labour).

If there is a one person rule you could use this as an excuse, otherwise be direct and say it doesn't suit you.

Tell your DP to sort it out. ASk him if he would like your mother there should he ever undergo a haemorrhoidectomy/vasectomy/other invasive, embarrassing procedure.

Sounds like your mil gets away with a lot in your family. Perhaps suggest to DP you might 'lose it' in labour and tell mil what you really think of her - i can guarantee he will make sure she is nowhere near the place.

Just be careful - my MIL wanted to be at the birth of DS2, never gonna happen, so I 'agreed with' (told) DP that we weren't going to tell anyone except our sitter when I went into labour. He texted her while I was in delivery. She turned up at the hospital. She didn't get in the room though I had a feeling that she would guilt trip him into telling her so I'd had it put on my notes that no-one except DP was allowed in the room....I really would advise getting it put on your notes.

I wouldn't lie

I wouldn't "forget" to tell her you are in labour

I would tell her straight, now, that she is not to bein the labour room with you

that this private, between you, your dh, and your baby

I wouldn't even want her outside, in the waiting room

when I was in labour, my mum and sis took the day off work and came to the hospital

the MW asked me did I want them to come in (in the early stages)...I said nooooo

the silly sods wasted a days annual leave....

back to you....your DH needs to find his bollocks, and tell her straight

if you don't, this could set you up for continued intererence and meddling in your life

What Anyfucker said.

Also ask MIL if she had her MIL there when she gave birth. I imagine she would have been equally horrified at the thought.

Your dp is wrong. This is a private "event" that only you have the right to attend. He only gets to come on your say so.

He has a bloody cheek talking about it being "harsh" not to let his mother know when you are in labour. He's just a spectator and supporter and should be doing whatever he can to eliminate any stress you are feeling. That means not allowing any discussions to take place around decisions you have made and not involving you in his pathetic psychodrama with his mummy.

He must also tell her when and for how long it will be convenient for her to visit after the birth, after you have both agreed on what will work for you.

He sounds like a fucking sap.

no my MIL has never ruled our lives, we have never lived near her-for a good reason so she knows very little of our day to day lives!
She is not staying with us when the baby is born-my partner has already made that clear and he is every bit as horrified at the whole situation as what I am.
I am saying no more about it until she brings the subject up as I really cant be bothered anymore-she behaves as if we are having this baby for her-its outrageous but as long as the hospital are strict about no unwanted guests then all will be fine. One hurdle at a time with her, she is just a very overbearing person with two hearts but not much brain as my own mother pointed out!! Think that one sentence summed it up for me! Thanks all for your support and advice

There are no words for some people.

My MILs first words on the phone call of a new grandchild?

Congratulations? Well done? How are they?

Er no.

"You didn't call me"

Honestly. Haitch, stick to your guns.

Haitch is your MIL my mum? She sounds just like her!

I'm having DC1 in 3 weeks and my mum is getting on like this I'm not going to hijack your post by giving lots of details about my situation; suffice to say I FEEL YOUR PAIN.

If I don't let her know when I'm in labour I'll never hear the end of it. So, I'm planning to let her know at some stage during labour and I know she'll hot-foot it to the hospital (she probably has hired a helicopter to get her there faster). She is NOT allowed in the room with me and DH for the actual birth of the baby, but DH has agreed that she can wait in the canteen or in the hallway and come in for short bursts if he needs to go to the toilet or eat something (for example).

Maybe if you try to make your MIL feel a bit useful she might back off a wee bit? Get her to do something small, but make it seem really important while you're in labour/in the early days of your child's life. That seems to be working as a strategy with my mum.

Haitch - agree with others, you need to stamp on this now. Don't make excuses like only one birthing partner allowed - get DP to tell her you only WANT one birthing partner - him. I recognise this, "it's not your child it's MY grandchild" approach which my own MIL had. Believe me, you want to nip it in the bud now otherwise she'll carry on trying to get her own way with your baby long after he/she's born.

During my MIL's visits one of her many tricks was that she used to announce (not ask) that she was taking my baby out to visit friends. She'd say she was going for an hour max and come back hours and hours later and wonder why I was in such a state on her return. He was being exclusively breast fed so, not only did I not know where he was, I knew he'd be hungry!

she has absolutely no right to be there. stuff hr feelings - her feelings are not important when you are giving birth.

your Dh has to make it perfectly clear this is not acceptable, - that she will not be there, and, what is more, she will visit when it is convenient for you - so many women are really sick after childbirth for her to assuming you/baby will be in any fit state to see visitors is just totally beyond reasonable!

first tim mums so ofen get all this crap, and second time around...no way do they put up with it!

as she so obviously has no regard for how you feel, i think you need to stop worrying about what she feels.

as for the post-natal disparaging of your parenting - there is no way to avoid this apart from to avoid her. Not a good situation - but hell, this is your baby and you could do without her putting extra stres on what should be a period for you to get to grips with your baby without outside stresses.

I agree with everyone else-
firstly, YANBU- at all!! birth can be a stressful situation, you really need to be relaxed and focused. I would have DIED if my MIL was there to see me walking around with a hospital gown and my fanny sticking out- not to mention the actual birth, positions, voices etc.- the last thing I needed was her staring at my privates telling me to push harder |vomit| (I've had a couple like that, though. the poor woman was being yelled at by her MIL for not pushing hard enough! whilst being partially naked..well, you catch the drift)

Secondly- this is for your DP to deal with, not you. He should explain, and then re-explain, and then re-re-explain if necessary that it is a private thing, she can have all the nana-bonding she wants once baby is out- she doesn't have to be in the delivery room to have a good "kick start" to their relationship (hers and baby). This is your birth, not hers.

and if nothing works- just don't tell her you got into labour, and that's that.

Tell her when the baby is born & you can face a visit.

Why would she need to know before then?

anyfucker has it spot on.

Yanbu, she is being vvu.

You need to be straight with her and your dh needs to put firm boundaries on this type of thing now.

If you don't you'll be setting yourself up for a lifetime of these situations.

Don't make the only one person excuse, tell her straight.

My MiL was tremendously interfering when i was pg with dd my first although not to this extent! Dh at first was all delicate around her, worried about hurting her feelings, this caused huge problems as she was IN MY FACE for months afterwards.

issued an ultimatum and made him be more boundaried with her in a consistent way and it's worked.

No hysteria and emotional blackmail about not having her over for xmas last year, in fact before we'd told her our plans she'd already made other arrangements!

Your dh needs to stop being a wuss and stand up to her.

I like MadameDeathstare's attitude - 'you weren't needed at the conception, so we can do without your help at the birth', and 'who would you rather annoy - someone living miles away or someone you live with, love and might want to have sex with at some point!!' (I paraphrase)

MadameDeathstare - you are a legend!

My DMIL did come to visit me during my 37.75hour labour with ds1 - she and fil even brought the dog with them, and I had a walk round outside with them and the dog, in the hopes of speeding things up a little. I don't think she would have dreamt of asking to be at the delivery, and if we'd said we weren't comfortable with her visiting whilst I was in labour, she and fil would have respected that.

Haitch - I would ask your dh to raise this with his mum as soon as possible, and make it absolutely clear that she cannot come to the hospital whilst you are in labour - do it sooner rather than later, so you don't have that worry hanging over you, and can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

< hijack >

oi, minxy...have you seen the Manchester meet thread ?

I have! But am a bit nervous, it took me long enough to actually post on here let alone actually meet real life people!

WTF!!!!! how anyone that has been thry birth even suggest this amazes me!! agree, tell her after, fait accompli!

Agree with everyone, its just a thin end of the wedge...your MIL is trying to establish herself as the no. 1 granny!

I had an elective CS (for medical reasons!).. the evening before I was doing a bit of last minute tidying up and bag packing when my DH started complaining about the state of the house which I thought was a bit odd....next day, once I was at the hospital MiL, BiL and SiL turned up to stay as a nice "surprise" for me, the next day more of his relatives turned up at the house (they had not even been there before) and all had a nice sunday roast...my brother turned up at the house and was surprised at the "party" what was going on - as was I!!

MY MIL has since tried to establish herself as the number 1 granny - but I try and keep her at arm's length...

.....Our wedding was similarly hi-jacked by my ILS they all (11 of them) turned up at our house (without my prior knowledge) the morning after the wedding and stayed for 2 hours eating tea and wedding cake and examining all the wedding presents...it was nearly the shortest marriage in history!!

By MadamDeathstare Sat 06-Feb-10 14:09:34
Your DP should tell her that he managed just fine without her at the conception so he is pretty sure he can manage without her at the birth.

This is perfection in a sentance!

exactly chppingin - some things are just private and the idea of having a ML, even if they are very nice, present is just weird.

minxy, if you come, I will look after you