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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

birthing partners-not MIL!

71 replies

Haitch27 · 06/02/2010 03:11

My MIL is presuming she will be attending the birth of her grandchild and my partner is worried when he gently points out it is a private thing for him and I (and medical staff as well) she will start getting defensive and upset and emotionally blackmailing him.
Has anyone else experienced this kind of thing with in-laws interfering so much?
Also anyone who is not a blood relative to her gets insulted constantly for their parenting skills and I know I am next in line-HELP on how to deal with her would be gratefully appreciated!

OP posts:
minxofmancunia · 09/02/2010 19:45

ok will check out the thread, I believe it's the Trafford Centre?

Just a bit embarrassing if someones there from work (work in CAMHS)!

AnyFucker · 09/02/2010 20:07

oo-er, minxy

I have a fear too of knowing someone (I work in a hospital, often in "sensitive" areas)

they are swapping photos on a FB site prior to meeting but I don't share photo's for work reasons

however, am going to go and think that the chances of an awkward encounter are miniscule, really

unless you and I know each other

thesecondcoming · 09/02/2010 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 09/02/2010 21:45

we shall all have to wear a little sprig of pampas grass in our lapel

sayithowitis · 09/02/2010 23:24

My mum seemed to think she was 'entitled' to be at the birth of my dc1. I absolutely did not want her, or anyone other than DH there. I just told her that the only people I wanted there, other than the professionals, were the same people that had been present at the conception. She never mentioned it again. We didn't tell her when I went into labour, DH just phoned her when DC1 had arrived safely and he was on his way home! ( No mobile phones in those days so he had to use a call box outside the hospital!)

2rebecca · 10/02/2010 10:36

I think mobiles have alot to answer for in this sort of situation.
No mobiles in common usage when I had my kids.
If having them today I'd insist DH left it at home (he never remembers it anyway so shouldn't be a problem).
I wouldn't have wanted him faffing on with his phone when he's supposed to be watching me writhe in agony.

weegiemum · 10/02/2010 10:46

My MIL (in Ireland) booked flights to be visiting us (in Scotland) for a week before and a week after my due date with dd1 - then told us.

Dh just went ballistic - told her she had no right to assume, that she might miss the baby if she did that, and to his eternal credit, told her we wanted just us there for a few days and then I wanted my family to visit. As we lived on a Hebridean island when dd1 was born, it was not possible just to pop in for a couple of hours (thank goodness!).

MIL took this very badly, we didn't love her, she wasn't really part of the family, she was being excluded - dh just kept repeating that we wanted the first few days to ourselves, over and over.

She had to take several days off work to get over the "rejection" and then found she had booked non-refundable, non-transferrable flights, which did make me laugh a bit - shoudl have asked before she did it, eh?

She's now a fantastic granny most of the time, but often does try to muscle in a bit - gives bigger/extra presents, has more exciting outings when the kids visit her, still sometimes won't take no for an answer, whereas my parents are much more likely to do it our way and take their lead form us (we're not local to them, either).

It is the No1 granny aspiration I think. Some are happy just to be granny, others can't bear the thought of there being more than one granny!

dreamingofsun · 10/02/2010 14:12

weegie - i think your mum maybe does it more your way because she is your mum and thats how you were brought up. i have a feeling that the paternal grandmothers sometimes feel a bit nervous about being second best and therefore maybe she's overcompensating, eg your mum got first visit when baby was born. i'm mum of 3 boys.

EdgarAllenSnow · 10/02/2010 19:43

i don't think it is 100% top grannying - i think some women have a real pscychological need to re-live their lives as mums when their gchs are born (to the point of callng them 'my children/baby')

I think things like believing they have the right to attend the birth, visit when they wish (and take baby where they wish), hyper-criticism of your parenting etc are symptoms of this.

They don't merely want to be the favourite granny, they believe they genuinely are the childs parent and should be treated as such.

Ivykaty44 · 10/02/2010 19:48

The staf will not allow anyone there who you do not want to be there - just tell your MIL yourself that she willnot be able to be present at the birth as it is not permissable, just say it is not allowed.

You don't have to tell her it is not allowed in your world and nothing to do with the hospital

Just keep repeating it is not allowed.

Feelingsensitive · 10/02/2010 19:53

I had this situation with my step mother who had made her hatred for me clear from the moment she clapped eyes on me 20 years before. We were at a party when I was 8 months pregnant and she kept banging on about how she was going to be there so I just said very sharply "no you are not. I only want DH there". She disappeared for a quiet sob which I did feel a tad guilty about but felt I had to stick to my guns. I had tried all the subtle lines before hand. That woman has skin as thick as a rhino though.

stripeysock · 10/02/2010 20:00

YANBU

My MIL who is an ex midwife and health Visitor did the same. she told me dh was no good at the sight of blood and she ought to be there.

Forget about pussy footing around her tell her straight and reduce your stress. Excuses will set you on a road to accepting all her unwelcome advice and judgements. Being straight with my MIL was the best thing I ever did. I told her Dh and BF would be there because that would be the most supportive for me. There was little answer to that.

It is your birth, your decision and quite frankly its annoying enough to have all the medical staff looking up your skirt let alone MIL.

Also asserting yourself now will give you the strength to assert yourself in the future.

Good luck

Good Luck

zipzap · 11/02/2010 11:11

I always wonder how many of the MIL (and indeed mothers) that want to be present at the birth of their grandchild had their mother and /or MIL present as well. Can't see that many of them would have done given that even having partners at the birth seems to be a relatively new thing, all the old 60s comedies they seem to be pacing outside the delivery room door, waiting to find out if they can smoke their cigar see the new mum and baby.

Amazing how many would never have considered having their mum/mil with them and yet seem to think that they have the right to demand to be there.

stick to your guns and don't tell her until you ring with the good news about the baby being born.

and if dh is still thinking that it is unfair to his dm, then next time you are both around with your dm, if he needs the loo say right, shall we come and watch and just see how quickly he says no way to that...

TakeLovingChances · 11/02/2010 13:21

EdgarAllenSnow that is very interesting. I agree with what you said.

My mum is just like that! I'm 37 weeks pregnant and she rings me all the time asking if I've gone into labour yet!? I remind her that pregnancies are usually 40 weeks pregnant and there is also a chance I might go overdue. She told me yesterday that she 'couldn't cope or wait" if I went overdue! Wtf? This isn't her baby, but she's getting on like it is!

stripeysock · 11/02/2010 22:41

Agree with Edgar Allen. my MIL is constantly comparing dd with her two to the point when i have heard the stories 13 times....
OMG

iamanewmum31 · 24/02/2010 21:53

In reply to the orginal thread. You should be strong. You are the Mother now. Tell her that you can only have one partner there. I had my DD five months ago. Prior to having her I was laid back. I have also had interferance. You need to be firm from the off. Everyone needs to adapt to their new roles. Be firm boundries. Practice sentances to deal with critisism such as 'thanks for your advice, but we are doing things this way as we have researched the subject' and 'We need to get the baby into a routine, so please make sure you visit before 4pm'. I was not prepared for the changes within the family. It takes everyone a while to adjust. Good luck you will be a great Mum x

GemmaG88 · 26/02/2010 00:23

Whilst I'd not be happy with it, I can understand where mothers come from when they say they want to be there for their daughters. But MILs? Nah, that's just weird.

You need to just tell her straight!

OooohWhatAFuss · 26/02/2010 09:13

Love the suggestions that you should ask her if she had her MIL present at the birth of your DP... Unless she did, in which case not a good call!

coralanne · 26/02/2010 10:20

I would never have contemplated being at the birth of my DD's DD.

When she was 6 weeks old she had to have a X-ray and I cried.

I thought this is a girl who used to put a whole box of bandaids on a little scratch, how on earth is she going to have a baby.

She sailed through it in 3 hours.

I was at work and her DH called and said she had given birth to DD and wanted me with her now.

My whole work place had been waiting for the call.

I think giving birth is a very private thing between the two people concerned.

Although in this day and age it could also involve surrogates etc.

CelluliteCity · 26/02/2010 11:01

Your DP needs to put a stop to this right now.

It is quite possible that the presence of your MIl may hinder your progression of labour leading to interventions.

If nothing is said and she turns up it may cause resentment between you and her, and you and your dp. This happened to my friend 9 months ago and she now, cannot tolerate her mil and her and her dp are on the brink of splitting up. She feels her birthing experience was ruined and her dp did not put her feelings first. HTH. Good luck.

AF - where is the manchester meet thread?

saslou · 26/02/2010 15:02

My in laws actually wanted ds1 to call them mama and papa! WTF? If you don't nip this in the bud now, she will be sticking her oar in forever. My one regret is that I was so outspoken, that I couldn't hold back and let DP do the talking to his parents for me. Think it is better coming from him as they are less likely to hold a grudge than if you argue with them. Good luck with everything

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