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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be absilutely LIVID with my MIL

74 replies

gobsmackedetal · 03/02/2010 08:28

MIL came to visit for a couple of weeks and she kindly offered to do both the nursery runs in the mornings ( kids go to different nurseries for different age groups) which saved us the mad morning rush and let us get ready and go to work in peace. So far so good.

There she got to chat to other parents/carers and got acquainted with teachers and children. Two days ago it was a little child at DD's nursery (3.5 yo) had a little birthday do they always make a fuss over a birthday child, and she had brought little kinder fingers to give out to her classmates. I had a short day at work so I was the first to pick DD up. The little girl, in her best dress bless her, got up and came up to DD and offered her her chocolate. DD just stands there like a moron staring at her.

I say "sweety, it's A's birthday and she's offering you this chocolate, aren't you gonna take it?". Nothing. Poor A, her little face dropped and didn't know what to do, so I kneeled down and took the chocolate off her little hands and said that DD must be a bit tired and would she excuse her. I thanked for the chocolate and wished her a happy birthday. I asked DD to thank her. Nothing. She zipped her coat alll the way up, over her mouth and nose and started walking out. I felt so bad, she's normally such a polite friendly little girl.

So I decided to get to the bottom of it. To cut the long story short "Grandma says that A is a dirty gypsie who lives in a caravan and that's why she never washes and I shouldn't play with gypsies because we don't want their dirty germs".

I went absolutely balistic. Not in front of DD, but I did set her straight. I have never made a racist comment in my life and neither has DH, because we simply don't think this way. When I asked her what a gyspie is she didn't know, but she was adamant it's a bad thing!

I never wanted her head filled with such nonsense, I hope that on DD's front it's now all sorted, but what do I do about MIL? I'm so angry, I never knew this side of, though DH seems much less surprised. Am I to never leave her alone around the kids again? question the children about every convo they had with her??? Neither is possible and I felt so heartbroken I was in tears last night about the chocolate incident. I always emphasised politeness, and I felt like such a big fat failure in front of the entrire nursery....

OP posts:

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 03/02/2010 08:31

that is awful. Can't your DH say something to her? Although it probably wouldn't do any good. I think you might have to limit how much time she sees them combined with being very clear about how people should be treated with your DCs.

Original poster

gobsmackedetal · 03/02/2010 08:32

I've just realised I said "little" too much

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 03/02/2010 08:34

I think you handled it well.,, and you just need to set her stright so she knows to keep her views to herself

Megglevache · 03/02/2010 08:35

deloola · 03/02/2010 08:37

YANBU - Your DH is going to have to approach MIL to ask her to censor herself as you both want to bring her up without prejudice - tbh - if she was spouting that type of trash I'd want to limit her time with dd as you just don't know what she may come out with.

weegiemum · 03/02/2010 08:37

If anyone said things like that to my dcs I would let rip - MIL or no MIL.

But I'm gobby and say what I think most of the time (and therefore have no friends ).

Would your dh talk to her? Its his mother, after all!

Bucharest · 03/02/2010 08:38

Blimeyheck.
I think her son needs a word. Otherwise you'll end up as the MILbasher.

weegiemum · 03/02/2010 08:38

But rather impressed you had your MIL for a couple of weeks. 4 days is my limit!

TigersChick · 03/02/2010 08:39

That's appalling!
I agree with SPB - you need, or your DH needs, to speak to your MIL and explain that you don't want her passing her racist views onto your DC. If she kicks up any kind of fuss, or repeats it, then I'd limit the time that she sees them and, hopefully, she'll stop it!

Besom · 03/02/2010 08:40

That's horrible. How did you address it with dd out of interest?

As for MIL - I would be having strong words. Tbh I'm not sure I would trust someone who said things like that to be in sole charge of my dd. But then again, you can't always protect dd from racist comments. I think it's about how you go about challenging it and explaining to her (or both of them perhaps) why it is wrong.

Don't know why you feel a failure yourself. It's nothing to do with you or your parenting. People at nursery wouldn't have thought much of it - I think you're being a bit oversensitive about that aspect.

MmeLindt · 03/02/2010 08:42

I sat with my mouth open reading your OP. Shocking.

You need to sit down with your DH and agree on what to do. If you both can speak to your MIL together, present a united front.

You cannot do anything to change her opinions, sadly but if she wants to continue to have unsupervised contact with your DC she must keep her opinions to herself.

MmeLindt · 03/02/2010 08:44

Sorry, that sentence did not make sense.

If possible, I would sit down with DH and MIL and tell her how you feel about her comments. It should be clear that it is not you being awkward/silly/MILbashing, but that you and your DH agree that it is unacceptable.

Besom · 03/02/2010 08:46

Perhaps it might be wise to check it definitely was MIL who put these ideas in her head before going in all guns blazing.

cakeywakey · 03/02/2010 08:47

Your MIL is racist and an idiot, she definitely needs having a word with and I would hope she would apologise for confusing your daughter so much.

BambinolovesBeccie · 03/02/2010 08:50

Bloody hell what a horrible woman. Has to be set out now that if she makes any further comments like that ever again, she will not be trusted to look after your DD on her own. What an awful thing to say. You handled it brilliantly though, just need to sort your MiL now. Actually, IME, I would get DH to lay the law down. My MiL too is a racist twat and would go out of her way to wind me up if it was me so I would make DH give her a dressing down.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 03/02/2010 09:04

We had a similar problem with my dad. My dd had said something wasn't fair, his reply 'nor is a black mans arse'. I wasn't there but dd repeated this a couple of hour later. I was horrified, like the OP I have never made any racist remark or joke to my knowledge. I had to tell my dad that this wasn't acceptable. Diffcult but I don't want my dd to be exposed to that sort of thing.

diddl · 03/02/2010 09:05

You need to check that MIL said it.

I think I would just ask outright-did you say this to your grandchild?

I would actually then feel like telling her that she couldn´t see her granddaughter until she apologised to her for telling her such rubbish & could be trusted to never spout such offensive twaddle again.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 03/02/2010 09:12

You're not going to change her views at this stage - so I think personally I would avoid giving her sole charge of my kids. Family visits only it would be, for me, after this

I'd perhaps be tempted to tell her that poor DD has been in terrible trouble at nursery for making racist comments re dirty gypsies, and you're so upset because you can't imagine where she heard such awful racist bigoted comments, and poor DD has been breaking her heart and the nursery have had you in, etc etc etc......however I'm sure it might be better just to ask her if she said it and be straight about it, but as I say you won't change her opinions.....

Original poster

gobsmackedetal · 03/02/2010 09:13

Two weeks is not bad because we have a studio flat in the back whicis attached to the kitchen, so she has her own space and we're at work most of the day anyway. And she doesn't really interfere, the only issue we have had until now is that she's tight but we address it by avoiding to visit as she might freeze the kids and us to death, but she'd be offended if we offered to pick up the gas bill. But FIL died in january two years ago and we were happy to have her so that she wouldn't spend these days alone.

I never knew what a racist prick she was. Funny thing is I'm mixed race. DD is a quarter black. Her other grandmother, my mother, is black. Or is MIL's beef just with gypsies?

Besom I think I am a bit sensitive because I remember as a kid being discriminated against due to the colour of my skin. It didn't happen a lot, but I never knew where it could come from because I had it from both ways, being mixed race and all. So I have always made a point with my children that they treat everyone equally, mainly by doing just that.

OP posts:

StellaLovesPotato · 03/02/2010 09:15

That is shocking. Quite apart from the horrible racist thing, the cruelty to this child and the fact that she said it when you weren't around (she probably knows you wouldn't like it), she has put your DD in a very awkward position. That is not on- You might want to think about your DCs not being around her unsupervised again.

JaneS · 03/02/2010 09:17

That is terrible. Sounds as if your daughter was upset/confused too (which in a way is reassuring since she's clearly not taking racism as a normal attitude). I'd be furious.

cakeywakey · 03/02/2010 09:24

Gobsmaked she's obviously touched a very personal nerve, it must be horrible. It definitley needs raising with MIL.

Open racism about Gypsies and Travellers is unfortunately widespread - and many people seem to think that it is perfectly acceptable to make comments that they wouldn't dream of making about other ethnic minorities.

plantsitter · 03/02/2010 09:29

Definitely check your MIL said it before you go in all guns blazing. It must've been very shocking to hear that but if it were me I would probably choose the (admittedly more passive-aggressive) route of saying 'I think DD's got confused as she said you told her... did you tell her that?' .

Get cross if it's clear it did come from your MIL.

titchy · 03/02/2010 09:39

Tell MIL that your dd and A are best friends and isn't it lovely. Oh and you've arranged to have A over for tea and would MIL be an awful sweetie and pick them both up cos you're terribly busy at work that day.

Original poster

gobsmackedetal · 03/02/2010 09:40

lol titchy

OP posts:

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