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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be absilutely LIVID with my MIL

74 replies

gobsmackedetal · 03/02/2010 08:28

MIL came to visit for a couple of weeks and she kindly offered to do both the nursery runs in the mornings ( kids go to different nurseries for different age groups) which saved us the mad morning rush and let us get ready and go to work in peace. So far so good.

There she got to chat to other parents/carers and got acquainted with teachers and children. Two days ago it was a little child at DD's nursery (3.5 yo) had a little birthday do they always make a fuss over a birthday child, and she had brought little kinder fingers to give out to her classmates. I had a short day at work so I was the first to pick DD up. The little girl, in her best dress bless her, got up and came up to DD and offered her her chocolate. DD just stands there like a moron staring at her.

I say "sweety, it's A's birthday and she's offering you this chocolate, aren't you gonna take it?". Nothing. Poor A, her little face dropped and didn't know what to do, so I kneeled down and took the chocolate off her little hands and said that DD must be a bit tired and would she excuse her. I thanked for the chocolate and wished her a happy birthday. I asked DD to thank her. Nothing. She zipped her coat alll the way up, over her mouth and nose and started walking out. I felt so bad, she's normally such a polite friendly little girl.

So I decided to get to the bottom of it. To cut the long story short "Grandma says that A is a dirty gypsie who lives in a caravan and that's why she never washes and I shouldn't play with gypsies because we don't want their dirty germs".

I went absolutely balistic. Not in front of DD, but I did set her straight. I have never made a racist comment in my life and neither has DH, because we simply don't think this way. When I asked her what a gyspie is she didn't know, but she was adamant it's a bad thing!

I never wanted her head filled with such nonsense, I hope that on DD's front it's now all sorted, but what do I do about MIL? I'm so angry, I never knew this side of, though DH seems much less surprised. Am I to never leave her alone around the kids again? question the children about every convo they had with her??? Neither is possible and I felt so heartbroken I was in tears last night about the chocolate incident. I always emphasised politeness, and I felt like such a big fat failure in front of the entrire nursery....

OP posts:

nevereatbrownsnow · 03/02/2010 09:50

Call me a soft lump but reading that just made me cry, poor kids.

pigletmania · 03/02/2010 09:55

what a nasty woman, even if MIL did feel that way and its up to her what her views are,however she should no way tell your dd about it or be openly nasty. We all have our views and are entitled to them but overtly displaying such hatred especially towards a little child is

LittleWhiteWolf · 03/02/2010 09:55

Oh God, what a cowbag MIL. My nans like this a bit and I'm starting to see the same sort of stupid ideas surfacing in my mum as she gets older. Its so ridiculous as she's always taught us to treat everyone equally, but now she's older she's starting to get ugly with her world views

I think you're doing your best trying to rectifying the issue with your poor DD, but agree that MIL needs to be set straight. If she HAS to have those views, then its likely she wont change, but she should be censored as it clearly caused your DD distress.

Besom · 03/02/2010 10:04

I can understand your reaction now you've said that. It really isn't your fault though and you handled it well when the initial incident happened.

Hullygully · 03/02/2010 10:12

While your MIL's views are repulsive, I really don't think this is such a big deal. People do have terrible views, use it as an opportunity to explain to your dd that granny thinks x (cause she's a loon/whatever) but you and dh don't and neither should she. It doesn't mean she can't love granny etc.

Then with MIL I would be fairly lighthearted, there's no point in falling out, but make sure you get the point across that while that may be her view, you don't want her filling dd's head with it.

The key thing is that people (even those we love) do hold outrageous views and there's no point in bringing up dd as if they don't.

ChickensLoveMarmite · 03/02/2010 10:20

I agree with Hully. My Dad can come out with some total garbage, but I just reiterate to the DC that Grandad's views are his own, and that I don't agree with them. Children are pretty quick to realise that they can disagree with adults, IMO

MissWooWoo · 03/02/2010 10:22

My dad comes out with some terribly mindless racism at times and I dread the day my dd repeats it

Hullygully · 03/02/2010 10:32

But she won't if you explain why he's wrong and how hurtful some people would find it etc.

MissWooWoo · 03/02/2010 10:38

oh I mean just mimicks it after he has said it rather than to others, of course I would set her straight. I just don't want to hear her say "paki" in the first place

Hullygully · 03/02/2010 10:40

Yes, it is a bit depressing. But there's a lot of it about, she has to learn to negotiate it.

Original poster

gobsmackedetal · 03/02/2010 10:49

I know I can't stop my children hearing racist comments, and I will use them as an opportunity to explain things, but it bothered that someone DD trusts told NOT to play with this girl!!!

And then how rude my DD came across as, that really bugged me too.

OP posts:

Hullygully · 03/02/2010 10:51

You'd be odd if you weren't bothered. But it's only going to get worse as the years roll by. Prepare yourself.

ChickensLoveMarmite · 03/02/2010 10:57

You being bothered is a good thing for your DD to see. She will see that being unkind to people is upsetting to you, and reinforce's your values. I can totally understand why you are so annoyed, really I can, but presumably you have set your DD straight? It might be worth mentioning to MIL something along the lines of 'Oh, DD came out with some dreadful nonsense about not playing with A because she's dirty. I have no idea where she got it from' etc. At that point, she'll either look uncomfortable and say nothing, or repeat what she said. If she goes for option 2, you have a justified opportunity to confront her IYSWIM.

pooexplosions · 03/02/2010 11:01

Don't be so harsh on the old bat dear. Of course she was very wrong and hurtful and unfair and should never have said such things. But older people often find it harder to catch up in a way to modern sensibilities, and have attitudes and opinions that were formed when such things were common place and normal. In many communities having a thing against "gypsies" was like saying the sky is blue, it was a fact as far as they knew, and its still socially more acceptable to be traveller-ist than openly racist. It can be hard to change ideas that you were brought up with and taught to beleive in.

Talk to her, explain that you find it objectionable and offensive and that you do not want your children to hear such things under any circumstances. But don't jump all over her and cut her out unless you have other good reasons. Your children can learn that granny has opinions that we don't like and don't share, but do you want them to learn that granny is no longer to be loved because she said something mean? Thats a worse lesson as far as I'm concerned.

Original poster

gobsmackedetal · 03/02/2010 11:04

I've been meaning to mention this: DD said that she doesn't want to play with A because A keeps snatching toys and the teachers tells her off and DD doesn't like her. I hope I did the right thing (?) by saying to DD that she doesn't have to be friends with everyone and that bad behaviour is a good reason not to want to be friends with someone, but she still has to be polite, rudeness is unacceptable in any case.

Guess what? "Grandma said that she snatches because she's a gypsie and she has never seen so many toys before. She probably tries to steal them".

AAAARGH! Obviously this was on that same day so it has been dealt with. But AAAARGH!

OP posts:

Original poster

gobsmackedetal · 03/02/2010 11:06

no, mil is a good grandma and a good mil (as long as her pocket is not involved of course )

That's why I'm so apprehensive about touching the subject

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andagain · 03/02/2010 11:08

That is appalling behaviour from your MIL OP.
Dealing with MILs is never an easy thing but I'm afraid I would be making it VERY LOUD AND CLEAR to her that she should never ever say such a thing in front of your child.
That is awful.
I am sorry to use caps but this kind of thing makes my blood boil. Outrageous!

Hullygully · 03/02/2010 11:23

"Grandma said that she snatches because she's a gypsie and she has never seen so many toys before. She probably tries to steal them".

I have to say I do think granny sounds hilarious. What other views does she have?

Megglevache · 03/02/2010 11:26

Yes please drill your dd for more info I need to know!

Hullygully · 03/02/2010 11:30

What does granny think about homerseckshools?

We need to know.

Original poster

gobsmackedetal · 03/02/2010 11:34

oh my god, things come to my mind slowly and I can't believe that I had never before noticed what a racist she is.

DS (21 months) is much darker than dd, and even a bit darker than me. When he was born MIL joked to DD (20months old then) that "oh, mummy overcooked this one a little bit, didn't she?". I laughed about it, as we had a silly bet with DH, he said that he had put extra blond genes in this second baby and it would be blond and we were having a laugh. BTW, DH is a molecular biologist, so it's not like any of us was beign serious about it all... But now i think about the overcooking comment in this new "dirty gypsies" light... it's a bit

OP posts:

Hullygully · 03/02/2010 11:36

No, I think that one was a joke.

We musn't hang granny out to dry..

Original poster

gobsmackedetal · 03/02/2010 11:37

you're right, I'm probably being paranoid.

I do that. For instance I think I'm gonna lose my job today for beign on MN all morning, but it's highyl unlikely

OP posts:

Hullygully · 03/02/2010 11:38

Your boss is staring at you right now.

Original poster

gobsmackedetal · 03/02/2010 11:40

hullyguly, are you my boss? Are you by any chance blond with short hair, chubby and smiley? And wearing a brown top today?

OP posts:

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