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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be absilutely LIVID with my MIL

74 replies

gobsmackedetal · 03/02/2010 08:28

MIL came to visit for a couple of weeks and she kindly offered to do both the nursery runs in the mornings ( kids go to different nurseries for different age groups) which saved us the mad morning rush and let us get ready and go to work in peace. So far so good.

There she got to chat to other parents/carers and got acquainted with teachers and children. Two days ago it was a little child at DD's nursery (3.5 yo) had a little birthday do they always make a fuss over a birthday child, and she had brought little kinder fingers to give out to her classmates. I had a short day at work so I was the first to pick DD up. The little girl, in her best dress bless her, got up and came up to DD and offered her her chocolate. DD just stands there like a moron staring at her.

I say "sweety, it's A's birthday and she's offering you this chocolate, aren't you gonna take it?". Nothing. Poor A, her little face dropped and didn't know what to do, so I kneeled down and took the chocolate off her little hands and said that DD must be a bit tired and would she excuse her. I thanked for the chocolate and wished her a happy birthday. I asked DD to thank her. Nothing. She zipped her coat alll the way up, over her mouth and nose and started walking out. I felt so bad, she's normally such a polite friendly little girl.

So I decided to get to the bottom of it. To cut the long story short "Grandma says that A is a dirty gypsie who lives in a caravan and that's why she never washes and I shouldn't play with gypsies because we don't want their dirty germs".

I went absolutely balistic. Not in front of DD, but I did set her straight. I have never made a racist comment in my life and neither has DH, because we simply don't think this way. When I asked her what a gyspie is she didn't know, but she was adamant it's a bad thing!

I never wanted her head filled with such nonsense, I hope that on DD's front it's now all sorted, but what do I do about MIL? I'm so angry, I never knew this side of, though DH seems much less surprised. Am I to never leave her alone around the kids again? question the children about every convo they had with her??? Neither is possible and I felt so heartbroken I was in tears last night about the chocolate incident. I always emphasised politeness, and I felt like such a big fat failure in front of the entrire nursery....

OP posts:

Hullygully · 03/02/2010 11:41

YES! But I'm not chubby and I'm certainly not smiley right now.

Scorpette · 03/02/2010 11:41

I have 2 thoughts on the matter:

MIL really must be firmly tackled on this. Is not acceptable to excuse it away with the nonsense that she is old, etc. She's allowed to have her own disgusting opinions but unless she's been living in a cave for the last 20-30 years she can't have failed to grasp even a basic understanding of what's acceptable and what's not nowadays. I would explain to her, not in anger necessarily, how you experienced prejudice as a mixed-race child (and possibly still do, grrr) and how you worry that DD will too, as she's also mixed-race. Ask her how she would feel if someone told another child they couldn't play with DD because she was dirty, smell, inferior, etc., just because of her race. MIL will no doubt be horrified and angry at the thought - so then point out to her that that's exactly what she's trying to make DD do to another child. Her racism is no doubt not malicious, but she needs to see what affect it has had and will have.
Is the child involved actually from a Traveller family, be that British or European? And is she actually a bit unkempt and unwashed, etc.? Or is MIL just saying that cos she's a Gypsy, regardless of whether she is clean or not? Because if she is calling her a gypsy just because the child is unwashed, bear in mind that being unwashed, etc., AND the grabbing problem are both red flags for neglect (or worse). She might not only be teaching DD racist crap, she might also be teaching her to reject and be hard-hearted towards weaker, lonelier, more vulnerable children; the very ones who need friends and understanding.

This really needs tackling - if nothing else works on MIL, point out that if DD spouts racism she's learnt from her Gran, it will get her in trouble with teachers, make her unpopular with other kids and the 'taint' of it could follow her to secondary school too. This is not being melodramatic - I went to school with a little boy who used to say racist and anti-Semitic things and then get upset cos 'it must be true cos Daddy says so', and teachers and kids alike took against him. Even though he soon grew out of it, he was seen as a racist even in his teens and sadly, it's the only thing I can remember about him even now!

Original poster

gobsmackedetal · 03/02/2010 11:42

I meant a healthy size 18

OP posts:

OrmRenewed · 03/02/2010 11:43

Well I'd be livid with her too!

In fact this is one of the first 'mil is a bitch from hell she did X with my DC' that I have really sympathised with.

Original poster

gobsmackedetal · 03/02/2010 11:43

oh dear, don't flame me, it was only a joke due to the enormity of my own backside...

OP posts:

Hullygully · 03/02/2010 11:46

I was being your boss...

Original poster

gobsmackedetal · 03/02/2010 11:49

Scorpette the child is indeed from a Traveller family, but always clean and brushed and polite, always saying hello and goodbye with a smile, lovely little girl. I didn't know about the snatching, but she's 3 and the teachers are dealing with it.

It's true what you said about hre being seen as a racist, and it would make her an easy target for racism against her

OP posts:

Original poster

gobsmackedetal · 03/02/2010 11:50

see how scared I got? I totally missed that

OP posts:

Hullygully · 03/02/2010 11:51

DO SOME WORK!!

(That's your boss, too.)

EldritchCleaver · 03/02/2010 12:55

"Her racism is no doubt not malicious..." eh?
It's always malicious. Racism is the absolute epitome of malice. It certainly feels pretty &*£%$() malicious when you are on the receiving end of it.

pooexplosions · 03/02/2010 13:50

Maybe look up the word malicious?

EldritchCleaver · 03/02/2010 16:02

Shorter Oxford:
1: Given to, arising from malice
2: harmful, malignant

Malice: Badness, wickedness, the desire to injure another person, active ill will or hatred.

pooexplosions · 03/02/2010 16:34

Yes, active. Malice is about intention, not effect.

EldritchCleaver · 03/02/2010 16:48

Oh, I agree. And I still say that ultimately racism is always malicious. There is always an intent to harm, if only in some diffuse way of excluding, differentiating. I really don't think it is ever some kind of benign thing.

EldritchCleaver · 03/02/2010 16:50

Sorry, when I say 'benign thing' I'm not talking about effect either-it is not ever kindly meant. Even the Peregrine Worsthorne types who think it is your terrible misfortune to be the wrong colour are being hostile on some level.

pooexplosions · 03/02/2010 16:57

There is something between "kindly meant" and malicious. There is ignorance and stupidity for a start.

Scorpette · 03/02/2010 19:11

I agree that malice is inherent in all racism, but it would appear that the MIL's intent was not necessarily malicious. I just meant that the MIL is clearly not thinking about what effect saying these unacceptable things will have on the child. All racists are ignorant and she's just displaying that ignorance in not keeping her nasty-minded thoughts to herself. Saying she wasn't being malicious was the correct phraseology to use, as malice involves deliberate understanding that you are doing something bad, which the MIL doesn't appear to do. It's silly to jump on one small word. I think my first comment made it pretty clear I personally would (and do) take a zero tolerance policy on even the merest hint of prejudice.

MissWooWoo · 03/02/2010 19:17

bollocks, she meant to be mean why else would she have said it?

your post earlier pooexplosions was a little off to say the least ... "oh bless the old girl, she can't help it she was brought up that way"

whatever

Original poster

gobsmackedetal · 03/02/2010 19:54

I somehow manage to wind myself up more and more while I think about it all. I wanna call her and yell "screw you old scambag".

Obviously I won't, because it wouldn't be constructive and helpful to anyone, it would cause many problems in the family, I'm too lovely and sweet to do it, MIL is not really and scambag, and I could be accused of being an ageist.

I'm pleased about one thing though: before bed DD asked me why travellers travel around and why is this a bad thing. So I explained that it isn't. I was so glad she had thought about the things we talked about this afternoon and was trying to understand even more.
"if they like to travel mummy, why are other people angry? That's not very nice". What can I say? Out of the mouths of babes

OP posts:

Elasticwoman · 03/02/2010 20:12

I have read OP but not all the others.

Agree that MIL's views are abhorrent but you cannot censor what she says to her grandchild unless you make sure they are never together without you or dh. Your dd will come across many adults in her life who have different views to those of her parents. You have already set DD straight on the matter, so she knows how you feel about it. With regard to MIL I would mercilessly tease, mock and make fun of her. Use humour to lambast her mindless prejudice, but do not question her right to her own opinion. She will get the message that her view is different to yours.

Do not be afraid that Grandma's opinions will influence dd more than your own guidance. Who does dd spend more time with overall?

It is lucky that you have discovered, this early in dd's life, the mindset of her grandmother so that you can bear it in mind when deciding how much time you will allow your children to spend in her company.

pooexplosions · 03/02/2010 20:14

Not at all what I said Misswoowoo, but healthy debate there with the "whatever". Are you 12?

skidoodle · 03/02/2010 20:31

"you cannot censor what she says to her grandchild unless you make sure they are never together without you or dh"

The OP absolutely can and should tell her MIL not to be encouraging her daughter to be rude to other children and to talking about them in such prejudiced terms.

The MIL didn't just give voice to racist thoughts, she actively encouraged a pre-school child to behave in a nasty way to another child. That will do the OP's DD no good at all.

totalmadness · 03/02/2010 20:41

omg omg omg! I'd tell dd what grandma told you is wrong and not very nice at all. [Insert name here] is a lovely little girl and whether you two are friends or not is up to you both to decide, but you mustn't listen to Grandma because she is very silly.

I may even add something about her being slighlt doolally as well but thats personal prefernce

EldritchCleaver · 03/02/2010 21:48

Agree skidoodle.

It isn't just that she feels prejudice, but that she was prepared to drop poison into her granddaughter's ear and get her to shun another child. Whether or not she expressly considered and wanted that outcome, she was clearly content for it to happen on some level.

Scorpette, I wasn't insinuating that you were excusing racism. I happen to disagree with the general practice of writing it off as ignorance or stupidity, that's all. When you act on your racism (as opposed to just thinking vile thoughts), you're doing harm and I characterise that as malicious.

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