to be angry with my 25 yo dd?

[kaylasmum]

My 25 yo dd has ben diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. She has had mental health problems for the past few years and has been seen by gp's,a cpn,a psychiatrist and now she's seenig a psychologist. She has a ds of almost 4 who she cannot handle at all and at the moment he is living with me. He is on the child protection register due to my dd smacking him too hard/much, shouting and swearing at him. Social work have been involved for the past 10 months and they gave her chances to improve her situation but she just could'nt do it.

My dgs was going to be put into foster care but i took him instead. I have 2 young dcs aged 6 and 3 and its really difficult to cope but i don't want to see him in care. He is quite an awkward child and very confrontational and my dc are finding this very difficult to handle, on their own they get on pretty well. Anyway, my life has been turned upside down. My dgs seems to be happy living with me and his nursery has said that they've noticed a difference in him over the last 3 weeks, they say he's more confident and relaxed which is great. The problem is, my dd should be trying everything in her power to get better and to improve her life. I don't feel that she's trying very hard.

She had to see a alcohol and drugs counselor as she would go out every week and get really drunk then spend most of the week feeling depressed and not able to cope with her ds. She is still going out and getting drunk, moreso now because she does'nt have to worry about a babysitter. She has also taken cocaine a few times. During the week she rarely gets out of bed before lunchtime.

I can't help feeling angry with her, i'm doing everything i can to help and running myself ragged while she is out getting pissed and lying in her bed most days. I don't know how she's going to get her ds back if she does'nt start making an effort. I know she has an illness but that does'nt mean she should'nt be trying to help herself get better. I suffer from anxiety and depression and this is starting to take its toll on me.

People wont always agree with your mother.

Anyway welcome to MN and I hope you get better soon.

Kaylasmum, We're bringing up our grandchildren (my son's children) because of all sorts of issues which I won't go into in detail. They've been with us for 6 years now

There have been many times when I've worried about everything, but as you say, if your dd can't get it together enough to have him back then there really isn't any alternative to you carryig on, and it does make a huge impact on your life, and I can understand why you would feel pissed off at the situation

How we got through the initial 'oh my god, how will we cope' phase was just to take things as they come, try not to plan too much and just focus on each day as it came (and breathe a sigh of relief each bed time!)

You can't take all of this on your shoulders and you can't sort your daughter's problems out for her, she needs professionals for that, All you can do is just stay in touch, try to help her to maintain a relationship with her child, and just focus on the children.

There are lots of us grandparents in similar situations, and I promise you, it does get easier. You may or may not end up with your grand son long term, but you can't predict the future, so just get through for now.

Best of luck

Living with or being related to someone with mental health problems is very hard, sometimes harder than it is for the person with the issues. Is leanne taking regular medication? If she is then sometimes this does have to be tweaked and looked at very regularly. Excercise also is very good depression.
If Leanne didn't have a child there are lots of schemes where you can live independently with support from workers, your own flat etc., This is very good as you get to live a normal life but there is someone monitoring your medication/lifestyle etc., But as there is a child involved here that makes it a different situation.
Also, mental health issues, as you already know, can have many ups and downs and need to be watched carefully.
Have you been back to your cpn or contacted a crisis team?

oldernowiser - thanks for your post, it does help to hear that there are others in the same situation. I have to admit i am finding it incredibly difficult to cope. I work part time and i'm absolutely shattered all the time. Mornings are a total nightmare, trying to get 3 young kids ready to go out the door after working the night before until 11pm. It would probably be easier if i did'nt have 2 los already as there would'nt be the constant bickering. My dgs is an extremely difficult child to handle. Put this together with my mental health issues and a very shaky relationship with my dp i worry that i'll not be able to keep going.

I want nothing more than to be wholly supportive of my dd and i'm trying to understand and help her, i certainly don't want to hinder her recovery. I know how much she loves her ds and how much she misses having him at home.

Although a few posters on here seem to have me down as a manipulative and not very nice person i have to say i'm not, i just love my dgs and hate to see how upset he is by all of this. I do have quite a good understanding of mental health issues considering i have suffered from depression and health anxiety over the years and also my sons illness.

I'm not looking for sympathy or to be looked on as a "saint" as someone tried to make out.

Thank you Kinnies, i'm working on it. Just to let everyone know that things are looking up today. Had a great play session with Blair in the morning which the nursery said was very positive.

Also had my appointment with the financial advisor at C.A.B. who has eased my mind a bit over things. Lastly, i met my alcohol counsellor today and she is amazing! She had a great approach and did not tiptoe round me because of my illness. She was straight talking and told me i can't use my illness as an excuse to be binge drinking. She has advised me to stop drinking now and i may be able to get the drug that helps with stopping drinking, can't quite remeber what its called. She is also going to be helping me with some self esteem excercises.

Got my alternative therapy tommorow too, which is quite relaxing. I really do feel more positive today and excited about what the future may hold now. I may still be able to make something of myself! And most importantly, have my wee man back where he belongs.