to be angry with my 25 yo dd?

[kaylasmum]

My 25 yo dd has ben diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. She has had mental health problems for the past few years and has been seen by gp's,a cpn,a psychiatrist and now she's seenig a psychologist. She has a ds of almost 4 who she cannot handle at all and at the moment he is living with me. He is on the child protection register due to my dd smacking him too hard/much, shouting and swearing at him. Social work have been involved for the past 10 months and they gave her chances to improve her situation but she just could'nt do it.

My dgs was going to be put into foster care but i took him instead. I have 2 young dcs aged 6 and 3 and its really difficult to cope but i don't want to see him in care. He is quite an awkward child and very confrontational and my dc are finding this very difficult to handle, on their own they get on pretty well. Anyway, my life has been turned upside down. My dgs seems to be happy living with me and his nursery has said that they've noticed a difference in him over the last 3 weeks, they say he's more confident and relaxed which is great. The problem is, my dd should be trying everything in her power to get better and to improve her life. I don't feel that she's trying very hard.

She had to see a alcohol and drugs counselor as she would go out every week and get really drunk then spend most of the week feeling depressed and not able to cope with her ds. She is still going out and getting drunk, moreso now because she does'nt have to worry about a babysitter. She has also taken cocaine a few times. During the week she rarely gets out of bed before lunchtime.

I can't help feeling angry with her, i'm doing everything i can to help and running myself ragged while she is out getting pissed and lying in her bed most days. I don't know how she's going to get her ds back if she does'nt start making an effort. I know she has an illness but that does'nt mean she should'nt be trying to help herself get better. I suffer from anxiety and depression and this is starting to take its toll on me.

I think YABU and YANBU

in that

YABU as (and indeed as Skihorse says)it's amentalillness that ispervasive and hard as it sounds she can't simply try harder and get better,however terribly sad the results of that may be.

YANBU in that it's hard to see your child going off the rails and not being able to help, I can only assume its a little like watching my autistic but very aggressive vhild at school and wishintg he would stop but having no impact. And with a DGD thrown in to boot. YANBU feeling angry and distruaght, but possible misdirecting it?

I used to ba a manager for homestart so if you did follow that up feel free to CAT for a chat about it- am a carer with some knowledge of MH as well so might have some empathy if nto magic wand.If not,well done for what you are doing for your DGD and I wish you all luck.

Oh and Homestart-always aprents,we didn'ttake anyone else (but foster /adoptive included) and obviosuly experiences varied but we sued to arrange specific training whree needed- so we had some around ASD (where I disocvered my ds1 had it in fact....),PND,agoraphobia, whatever.

I think anyone dealing with MH issues has a ridiculously ahrd and unsupported time.There needs to be much done to support people in the place.Ialmost lost my beloeved Dh todepression and I wodun't wish dealing with MH on anyone,it is the bogeyman of our times.

Sorry, this is weird

There certainly seems to be a lot of co-dependency and manipulation going on - I too think it is a bit weird

" lematthedogs

i am being supported by the National debt line. Google their number, but be sure that its the National debtline you go through - their advice and help is free and inbiased. I would be a bit worried about being bullied into "solutions" by a non biased financial advisor."

I would also highly recommend the Money Advice Service at the Citizens Advice Bureau. Aside from being non-judgemental and free, they can write to your creditors and help you to negotiate manageable monthly payments.

Very best wishes to OP and her daughter.

need to defend myself here,

I did'nt show this thread to my dd, she came upon it on her own. I am not manipulative at all. I asked if i was bu as i have lots of self doubts and wanted to know if i was wrong or not to feel how i do. I love my dd very much and will continue to support her all the way but i have to consider my other dcs too. I could never manipulate my dd even if i wanted to, she's far too clever for that.

deliakate and weegiemum whats weird?

llareggub shocked, unforgiveable and unacceptable?? i think you are the one who is overreacting!

Have any of you actually been in my position? Do you know what it feels like to see you're dd ruining their life and also her ds's.

Kaylasmum - I think some people on here have been incredibly harsh. I can't imagine what you are going through and think that you sound like a great mother.

My older sister has mental health problems and has 3 children. In some ways she's a great mother. In others she's not. Seeing what effect she has on my parents and her dc makes me angry - I too have mental health problems but I don't blame everyone else for them and expect them to do everything for me and my dc. I too think she should take more responsibility and a more proactive approach to dealing with her problems.

If you are anything like my parents, you will be great with your dgs and he will love being with you. By being with you even for a short time it sounds like he is already benefitting, and I'm sure things will get easier as he gets used to 'your way'.

I don't think YABU for feeling the way you do and I don't have any answers for you except seeing if you can get some more support from somewhere.

Wrt your DD going out at weekends - does she have friends she can go out with that doesn't involve drinking heavily etc? Or perhaps (if you can get babysitter) do something together like go to the cinema or a meal? Just trying to suggest things that may help stop her feeling bored.

Hope you get things sorted.

Keep at it OP...BPD is difficult to cope with, by it's very nature it's hideous for people close to your dd. Please keep your dgs with you, it's the best place for him.

Is your dd seeing a CBT therapist?

By posieparker Wed 03-Feb-10 16:28:12
Keep at it OP...BPD is difficult to cope with, by it's very nature it's hideous for people close to your dd. Please keep your dgs with you, it's the best place for him.

Oh !!!!!

So as I have active BPD and it must be "hideous" for everyone round me, I should just hand my kids over?

What no-one, practically NO-ONE here is acknowledging, not even the OPs dd, is how incredibly hideous it is to have BPD and be living with it, dealing with it, every single bloody day of your life! Fighting the urge to lie, to harm yourself, to drink to excess, to scream when you get annoyed, to freak when your dp has to go to work, to harm yourself again. To have the constant threat of ss hanging over you. To have the feeling there is a black hole in your personality, into which every single thing which makes you you seems to be constantly draining, so often you aren't even sure if you exist!

I have 3 kids. They are all at school, intelligent, happy, well adjusted, well cared for, loved, adored. Just cos you have BPD DOES NOT mean that you cannot be a bloody good parent. Yes, some people have problems with this but there is help available. But sweeping statements (which are common on MN and are the reason that although I have been posting here for years I can't post this under my regular name) are not helpful.

BPD is an illness. It has a recognised aetiology, a stringent diagnostic process (which takes weeks if not months), a couple of recognised treatment programs, that actually work, at least some of the time. I'm getting so fed up of reading on MN that people with BPD are somehow morally weak, inferior (once I heard sub-human).

Most of us do our best, you know. We're just people, horribly damaged people for a great deal of the time, and a good number of us are really working to fight this horrible, misunderstood illness.

Oh and Posie, no-one with any understanding at all uses CBT for BPD.

Oh kaylasmum, I'm not doubting for a minute that you are in a difficult and terribly sad situation. I was under the impression that you had shown your daughter this thread, and as it appears that you did not, I apologise for assuming that you did.

However I stand by my assessment of your reaction to skihorse's post. To be honest you come across as argumentative and your reaction is wildly at odds with the content of her post. She was trying to help you by telling you her experiences. I think you were over the top in your reaction to her.

And yes, whilst I don't have a daughter with BPD I do have an alcoholic DH so I do have some understanding of how hard it is to live with someone with alcohol issues.

BPD is certainly making life difficult for the OP and that is the one who needs sympathy. I have lived with someone with BPD and whilst their bad behaviour was not solely down to BPD, the illness certainly made it worse.... no diagnosis or therapy was undertaken.

Borderliner, sorry if I offended you. I don't know much of the illness, you may have guessed, only that it (by proxy) was damaging for me. Incidentally what made you think you had it, I do wonder whether I have it too.

Borderliner I hope I did acknowledge that in my post but I will check. becuase youa re right, MH issues at as evere levelof any kind are horrid for the family but worst for the person with them, anbsolutely.

We don't understand MH issues at all well enough and its stillsomething people fear,probably becuase it is invidible- toomuch stigma.I can only hope that in a few years we will have made progress so that borderliner,kayla. my own DH, Ski and many,many others start getting a chance to be accepted aspeople.

Which is not criticism of OP,just the way it is WRT to MH ATM.

hi. Not the same thing, I know, but my mum had bi-polar and, yes, at times the drinking, the self harming, the disappearing etc etc was at times very hard to deal with. And at times it made me very angry with her. But the majority of the time she was a loving, wonderful person who always strived to put me first.

I say this because, I think the OP may have, rightly or wrongly, just needed to have vented in a 'safe' place. Clearly this upset some people, but maybe she has no opportunity to do this anywhere else. Mental illness is not something you can chat about easily as it is undefinable. I certainly know that many of my friends parents thought my mum was being incredibly selfish when she tried to kill herself several times. they couldn't understand it was part of her illness, not part of her as a person, if that makes sense.

OP - as others have said, you need support, someone to talk to honestly about how hard this is for you.

OP's post, I'm sure, was not trying to diminish the awful, awful reality of having to live with this illness. Any mental illness is crippling for those who have it.I think this thread has sadly got very heated and has, possibly missed the point of why it was started. I can't imagine what it must be like actually having a mentall illness like BPD - I had mild PND and that was bad enough - but i know it must be awful. i guess all OP wanted was to talk about how hard it was for her too.

Hey cheesypopfan, this is Leanne here again, OP's daughter. Thank you so much for taking the time to actually look at this situation objectively and see my mum as a human being. As a lot of folk have said, i do think this thing has been blown WAY out of proportion and my mum was only trying to get some support as she did not want to pile her worries on me. It just so happens that i am nosey(always have been!) and i managed to find this thread. I think as an adult i have every right to know whats going on in my sons life and i don't feel i need protecting from the truth.

I do feel that certain people used this post to tell their own story at length, which is very nice of them, but which they could have put on the mental health post as it may have been of more use there.

I'm so getting sick of reading sweeping statements on HERE, with regards to my mental age, what actions i may carry out etc. As i keep reiterating, we are all individuals and can't all be grouped together in a BPD bundle.

One more question, and please, i don't mean this offensively, i really don't, but why are 2 people here choosing to use their ilness as a user name? Are'nt we sick of being labelled? I do understand you don't want to use your own identity, but maybe a more positive name would be good? Just a thought.

I don't know why anyone thinks its WEIRD that i'm defending my own mother! She is my MOTHER for god's sake! She has taken my son in for me which i bloody appreciate! Because of the way i was with him, he could have been in a foster home and i feel this would have been detrimental to my health. Just because i have BPD does not mean i can not think for myself and handle the truth. How do you people suggest i get better if you want me to be sheltered from the truth? I really would like to know.

I'm desperate to get better for my son, i love him with all my heart and my guilt at failing him is all my own. I was the one that contacted SS through the nursery as i was really scared i may harm him.Since he has come to my mum's i have noticed a marked difference in him, right down to his pallor, which is not so pale and shadowey. Its me that wants to praise my mum and thank her, no one else!

If anyone can genuinly help me, such as suggesting useful books and websites, please do, as i've already mentioned i am not receiving adequate mental health care. If i could have been lucky enough to have the type of care Skihorse had, i would have been so haapy with that!

Hi Leanne

I have BPD and I work in advocacy in Scotland - I've just finished putting together a training manual for staf written by people with PD - there are some of us out there trying really hard to change things just a wee bit in terms of adequate care...

I don't know where you stay but we have a local peer support forum and social group:

uk.groups.yahoo.com/group/borderlineukedinburgh/

And there's a national peers support forum which I've found really helpful:

health.groups.yahoo.com/group/BorderlineUK/

If it would help I can post some stuff about carers support for your mum.

Hope that helps - take care

Op,
You say you have come here for support, but as soon as you didnt like what others have said, your Dd comes on and sticks up for you.
Does she really need the stress?

I don't have to justify it, but I will.

I'm a long established poster on MN but am not yet happy to "out" myself as a having BPD. There are some very abrasive attitudes about PDs on MN sometimes, and I need to protect myself.

I use this name for these posts only, otherwise you would see me all over MN, believe me, where I am very positive.

I don't want to be offensive or anything, but why are you using your mums name? It takes 30 seconds to register and get your own one!

Doricgirl, thank you very much for those links, i shall look soon. Yes any help for my mum would be great because she obviously could do with some objective support.

Kinnies, I don't know if you are taking the mick or if you just have'nt read the threads properly, but as i already explained, i came across the thread by accident and it was entirely my decision to defend her! I have my own account and will be using it shortly.

hey Borderliner, i am just using my mum's one because i was in her account reading her threads and just used her name. I do have an account i've only just updated it. I was not asking you to justify it, i was just really curious because like you, i find it a label that i don't like to be stuck with.

I do know what you mean when you say that people think we are morally weak, i spent years thinking that about myself, but i guess thats just part of the illness. I did not know why i was doing the things i was doing, and felt bad or evil because of them. I really need help with this and do not want to be arguing with the very people who know what i am going through.

I have read all posts thanks.

Hi its Leanne! Finally using my own name. There's a pic of my beautiful baby if anyone wants to look! I just have one more thing to say! I want to get better and as part of that i want honesty from the people around me. I don't imagine i'll ever get better if folk just keep making excuses for my behaviour and putting up with me drinking and things, as that adversely affects my mental health. I am trying to sort stuff out and it is hard, but i honestly think that my mum is doing her best(no she's not got my arm twisted up behind my back!)

Pplease lay off her, as i am finding it very upsetting, isi t really so strange to care about your mum and notlike people slagging her off? I'm an adult and want to be treated like one, not wrapped up in cotton wool.

Kinnies, well you obviously have not taken them in, because i have repeatedly stated that i chose to write these posts, so obviously i feel strong enough to cope with the stress of this. Whats really stressing me out is people attacking my mother. She came here for support and i have no idea why some people are taking it upon themselves to be so offended and strident in my defense. I don't need defending, i need help.