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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have a crush on my friends 16 year old neighbour!!!

97 replies

CradleSnatcher · 02/02/2010 08:42

He is just so lovely and makes my own DP seem like a useless sack of shite

He looks a lot older... does that make it better???

OP posts:

MissWooWoo · 03/02/2010 12:38

COD? AC?

Original poster

CradleSnatcher · 03/02/2010 12:40

Call of duty
Assassins creed

They are xBox games....

OP posts:

MissWooWoo · 03/02/2010 12:43

oh right

how old is your dh?

Original poster

CradleSnatcher · 03/02/2010 12:51

DP is 28. And has only been on the scene for short while. I am really struggling with him atm though because he is thoughtful and romantic. But he is also lazy and very straight laced.

I am just giving him some time to see where this is going before just finishing it.

I think friends neighbour just hightlighted his laziness and un-manliness

OP posts:

MissWooWoo · 03/02/2010 12:58

oh! don't know why but for some reason I thought you were married to the man ... you don't sound happy with him, doesn't sound like he's your cup of tea. You're only 23, no need to rush into anything is there?

Original poster

CradleSnatcher · 03/02/2010 13:03

No. But I do like some of his qualities. And in the past I have followed my heart and made silly choices, this time I am trying to let time tell before I make up my mind.

Tbh, I did like his very much until he did something that really upset me last week and now I only seem to be able to see the bad in him. I am just trying to not make snap decisions

OP posts:

MissWooWoo · 03/02/2010 13:11

oh? what did he do?

Original poster

CradleSnatcher · 03/02/2010 13:19

I will tell you seeing as I have name changed.

In my past I have had a lot of bad experiences meaning that the thought of being intimate with someone scares me shitless (to be frank) and I tried to explain to him the reasons why after so long I still hadn't let him have more than a kiss and a cuddle. His response was, "it's ok, take your time. Just as long as we've done it by the end of the year"

It has just pissed me off how he has put a time limit on it and tbh it has put me off him. He also went on to say that he thinks he deserves it. which to me said that just because he hasn't been a total twat to me like a lot of my ex's have, that he seems to think he has some kind of entitlement over my body.

I am just processing it in my head atm. I have a tendency to make rash decisions so am trying to make sure I know what I want before I say/do anything I might regret.

So there you go

OP posts:

MissWooWoo · 03/02/2010 13:25

it would put me of too. you obviously need time to feel secure with him and it's clear that you don't yet. He doesn't sound worth it imho.

Original poster

CradleSnatcher · 03/02/2010 13:36

Sadly, (because I really liked him) I am coming to that conclusion too

OP posts:

MissWooWoo · 03/02/2010 13:47

pretty much everyone expects a grown up relationship to involve sex at some point. lots of people aren't looking for anything heavy (at first) and so if there's no sex they might move on sooner rather than later - this is no reason to do something you're not ready to do though ...that's just asking for problems later down the line.

Original poster

CradleSnatcher · 03/02/2010 13:53

The thing is, I was starting to have sexual feelins towards him, I didn't at first but my counsellor seems to think it is a defence mechanism to stop myself getting hurt.

Sex is something I want to do, it just scares the crap out of me. And now I know it is openly expected it just makes me so anxious I feel sick

I feel like he feels I 'owe' him sex because he has been nice to me. And I don't want to have to give someone sex because they feel like I 'owe' them it. I wanted to do it because I loved him and wanted to do it. I just don't know where my head is atm

OP posts:

MissWooWoo · 03/02/2010 14:14

does this man know anything about your past and why you have reservations? because if he does and he's talking like this (at 28 no less) then he's a bit of a loser. If not, now is the time to tell him.

Anyhow, I still think YANBU in having a crush on chopping wood man. He is, by your own admission, unavailable and therefore for you under the circumstances, safe.

therealbanksy · 03/02/2010 15:39

Does Mr Chopper (of wood) have any idea whatsoever about your interest? Or is this all 'lusting from afar' stuff?

Rhubarb · 03/02/2010 16:59

Communication.

Sit him down, turn off the TV and explain how you are feeling. Either he'll be an arse and then you'll know where you stand, or he'll be thoughtful and sorry and you'll want to give him another chance.

Early on in my relationship with dh he pressured me to have sex, I refused and he said he was getting impatient. He knew my feelings on the issue and I couldn't believe he could be so unreasonable. If I posted about that on Mumsnet today they would all advise me to dump him.

We've been married 10 years, he's supported me through some really dark days, he's never held me back and remains a thoughtful, sensitive man. He's not particularly macho or handsome, but he's understanding and my best friend.

Unless you communicate you won't be able to make sense of how he really feels towards you. The fact is that he is still with you even though he isn't getting sex. Other men I know would have walked away. He's shown willing to take you on as you are and wait. That comment about him deserving it strikes me as a typical comment for a bloke to make. Something that should have remained in their heads.

Are you sure you are not just pushing him away whilst hankering after something you know you can't have because that's the safer option rather than having to deal with the here and now?

hellymelly · 03/02/2010 21:31

Had you thought that maybe its not just that sex is scary for you (which I totally sympathise with),but that maybe you just don't fancy him all that much? You say he has "some good qualities" but so does my next door neighbour,or the man in my local shop,but I don't want to run off with them.I had a hideous experience with my first botfriend and I was very scared about getting intimate with someone but when i met DH,well,I just fancied him like mad,and it was all so easy and natural.Still scary,I had a panic attack after the first time,but the pull was so strong towards him that it took over.You may be confusing your ambivalence about your current man with your fear of getting close.Trust me,you will meet someone who will bowl you over.And he may even chop wood too.(my Dh has just brought in an armful of kindling!!)

Original poster

CradleSnatcher · 09/02/2010 12:04

Thank you for all your advice. It has been a relief to get this all off my chest.

After thinking about things with DP I decided that I wouldn't be able to forget the things he said so have ended it, we probably rushed things and so we're going to leave the door open so that if he manages to regain my trust then maybe we can work things out.

WRT the 16yo, of course I wouldn't act on it but it's so hard, I see him nearly every day atm. speak to him every night and am really struggling with this, he is a very flirty lad and I find myself flirting back thinking it's harmless but tbh I just know I could never drink around him because I would prob forget he was 16.

My head is a mess. it must be! Why else would I feel like this???

OP posts:

nannynobnobs · 09/02/2010 14:50

Last time I went to a local gig there was a gorgeous lad there... Tall and dark with loads of little springy neat dreadlocks, lots of females sneaking looks at him!
Then I saw him a few days later in the local boys' grammar school uniform however he was wearing a colours blazer which meant he was 17 or 18 thankfully. but still!

hellymelly · 09/02/2010 14:54

Frankly I think if your neighbour lives alone and isn't at school then why the hell not get together with him if that's what you both want?He sounds a very grown up nearly seventeen year old,and you are very young yourself,have some fun and date someone you really fancy!

Original poster

CradleSnatcher · 09/02/2010 23:44

Do you think so HM? My friend (the one who is his neighbour) confronted him and told him I fancy him but wouldn't do anything because he is 16.

All his friends wind him up, saying that we are getting it on, which wouldn't be so bad if we actually were... it makes me think I might as well if people are going to say it anyway

We do see each other nearly every day atm, and I really look forward to it. But I would be afraid of messing around with his head, I just don't think it would be fair on him tbh

OP posts:

blinks · 10/02/2010 13:41

i also don't think it's a massive problem to go out with him.

he's above the age of consent and you're only a few years older. if you were his teacher or in a position of control/responsibilty then it would be a different kettle of fish but you're not.

loads of 16 year old girls go out with older men, me included so i don't see that it's any different.

blinks · 10/02/2010 13:42

not that i'm 16 but when i was i did.

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