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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to bag DD's stuff and refuse to give it back

71 replies

youcantlabelme · 31/01/2010 12:39

DD aged 15 has clothes clean and dirty, new and old all on the floor, make up and jewellery strewn all over her chest of drawers, school work everywhere but never on her desk etc.

Have lost count of the times I have asked, bribed, cajoled, begged, whinged etc in the vain hope that she would look after her room. I do all her washing and clean her room, and all I ask is that she keeps it tidy.

I got to the point yesterday, when I bagged whatever was on the floor or not in it's place (except school uniform and schoolwork) and have refused to give it back till she shows she can keep her room tidy for four weeks.

She says I am out of order (well, to paraphrase CK or was it MRD, she would wouldn't she!)

Am I though, given that she is a good kid really- works hard at school and at her out of school activities, and that maybe I should cut her a little bit of slack?

OP posts:
heQet · 31/01/2010 12:41

Did you warn her beforehand that you would bag it if not tidied by X date?

If so, then yanbu.

If she came home and found it all bagged, then YABU.

heQet · 31/01/2010 12:42

oh, and a good idea might be to make her responsible for cleaning her own room and doing her own washing - or at least bringing it to the washing basket, with the rule if it's not in the basket, I'm not washing it.

PlumBumMum · 31/01/2010 12:42

YANBU I do it with my 8 year old

PlumBumMum · 31/01/2010 12:44

Oh missed the bit about keeping it for 4 weeks,
I make her tidy up and then tidy all the stuff from the bag

Original poster
youcantlabelme · 31/01/2010 12:53

No she was warned that I would do it-she just rolled her eyes and said ok!

OP posts:
WidowWadman · 31/01/2010 13:03

If it was only in her room, YABU. It's her room, her stuff, none of your business.

If she runs out of clean clothes because she never gets them near the washing maschine, her problem, but if she wants to keep clothes on the floor, it's her thing, too.

If she leaves things in other rooms, by all means, keep them, but that's something different to invading her room and taking oiut her stuff.

pointydog · 31/01/2010 13:04

I wouldn't have said you'd be keeping it for 4 weeks. That's a heck of a long time and it's not really in your interest either to keep the stuff for 4 weeks.

I'd probably say, 'I was very annoyed and I over-reacted. What I want is for you to tidy your things away each day. So I'll let you tidy the things in the bag too but I'm going to check on your room every evening and each time it's messy I'll dock £1 from your allowance.'

Or something.

helenwombat · 31/01/2010 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

heQet · 31/01/2010 13:09

Been thinking some more about this. I think you should stop cleaning her room and doing her washing. That's more effective in teaching her personal responsibility than bagging up her stuff because she's not done as she's told.

Because what you are aiming for is to create a person who tidies after themselves and is a bit organised, isn't it? What better way than for her to suffer the consequences of living in her own filth, and not having clean pants?

While you nag but still do these things, she's still the child with the 'orrible mean mum . When she comes to you because she's got no clean clothes and you say "Well, it is your responsibility to put them in the washer / washing basket, if you chose not to do that, who's fault is it?" you are giving her the first lesson in taking care of herself!

WidowWadman · 31/01/2010 13:24

HelenWombat - Nope, I'm not a soft touch, but used to be a teenager like that myself. My mum left me to it, but didn't set a foot into my room. I learned how to use the washing machine, winners all around.

coldtits · 31/01/2010 13:30

If her basic personality type does not care about having an untidy room, you're not going to make her care by taking her stuff away. You'll just make her cross.

My mother tried everything to make me keep my room tidy, and I was glad when she gave up and let me live in a tip. I didn't care when I was 15 and I still don't know, 14 years later.

Devendra · 31/01/2010 13:39

My DD is exactly the same.. clothes, make-up, dirty knickers, cups and rubbish EVERYWHERE in her room... She is lovely though, works hard at school and is a gem with her younger brother... So I let it go. She knows she has to put dirty clothes in wash basket if she wants them washed and I give it the lightest of tidies every few weeks... Not worth stressing about IMO

notanumber · 31/01/2010 13:45

Why does the state of her room matter to you? This is assuming it doesn't have rats or mould etc.

Genuine question, not me bring arsey.

I'm asking because if the mess isn't encroaching on the rest of the house, why is it so important that she keeps it tidy?

karen2205 · 31/01/2010 13:58

I'd go with only being willing to clean her room if it's tidy enough for you to do so and only washing clothes that are placed in the washing basket/other appropriate place. She's big enough to keep her room tidy enough for her to use (regardless of how it looks to anyone else).

pranma · 31/01/2010 14:05

I used to tell mine that I would not do anything inside their rooms.I would only wash things in the basket but ironing and putting away were her[and his]responsibility.No bed making-clean sheets left outside door,dirty only washed when put in basket.No helping find things-even school uniform-her responsibility.I wouldnt take her stuff unless it encroaches on rest of house then collect it into a binbag and tip it on her bed.It took less than 4 weeks for my dc to get the message and now at 35 dd is a better housewife than I ever was.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 31/01/2010 14:44

I agree with coldtits. There are naturally untidy people and there are naturally tidy people. My ds is 7 and because he's young still I do keep on top of his room with him because I want to at least train some tidiness into him, some basic standards. I also think it reflects on the parents more at this age However at 15 they are old enough to be given responsibility for their own stuff. If they choose to be messy etc then I do think they must be allowed to live how their natural personality is, within health and safety limits! I do think there comes a time when it's ok for a parent to shut the door on it and ignore it because it's all part of the child/young person having their own space and having some autonomy (even if they do abuse it somewhat)

AgentZigzag · 31/01/2010 14:50

I agree with the posters saying it's her room, her business, and I don't think you should be still tidying up and washing for her. I moved out when I was 16 so perhaps it's time you gave her a bit of responsiblity or she's never going to cope when real life comes calling.

StewieGriffinsMom · 31/01/2010 14:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BitOfFun · 31/01/2010 14:54

My daughter is EXACTLY like the OP's. I just leave her to it. I worry that she will never change though, but that's her problem, I suppose.

Hecate- I see your theory, but the reality is they don't give a hoot and just continue to live in squalor

BigBadMummy · 31/01/2010 14:55

My philosophy is that if she wants to live in that squalor, it is up to her.

I don't sort out or tidy my DC's rooms. They are not allowed to make mess in the rest of the house but their bedrooms are their space.

I draw the line at dirty plates etc, no food is allowed upstairs but the rest of it, I let go.

They have to bring their clothes down to be washed, if they don't, well they don't have clean clothes. And clean clothes sit in piles ready to go back up. If they then chuck them on the floor, that is up to them.

My DD is 15 and that is how it has been for a few years now.

I would far rather save my energy for important stuff, not room tidying.

thesteelfairy · 31/01/2010 15:00

Have to say I am with the "Just Shut The Door" gang.

Her room, let her get on with it. You have the rest of your house to sort out, be thankful there is one less room to deal with .

Kaloki · 31/01/2010 15:03

Have to confess to be exactly the same as the OP's daughter when I lived at my parents house. No amount of nagging, bribery or anything could change it.

When they finally gave up and left me to it, I started tidying more often though. I'm still not the neatest of people admittedly.

MrsChemist · 31/01/2010 15:03

From a young age me and my brother were told that if it isn't in the washing basket, it doesn't get washed.

Still didn't stop me having a messy room.

As long at it's clean (just untidy, not dirty) and you don't expect guests to go in there, then I don't see the problem in just leaving her with the mess. Her mess, her problem.

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 31/01/2010 15:08

My 8 year old leaves clean clothes on the floor and if he knocks his clean and ironed uniform on to the floor he leaves it there. Drives me nuts.

I have told them clothes won't get washed unless they go in the basket but haven't implemented this. I will be now. I can't let them run out of uniform though.

Shodan · 31/01/2010 15:09

See, now, I disagree here. Yes, DS1's room is his space in that it houses his 'stuff' and he can always go there to relax/sleep/go on laptop etc etc. I also always knock before going in.

BUT, this house is run by DH and me and one of our (few) rules is that it is kept relatively tidy. That includes DS1's room. He isn't required to do his own laundry or even clean his room, just keep it tidy. It's as much about respect for us and the household rules as making sure mould or other nasties don't start developing.

Also it is part of an ongoing effort to make him more organised for homework etc etc. (As Grandma says- a tidy room means a tidy mind!)

So, to the OP- if you warned her, then I would follow through- but perhaps 4 weeks is a bit long. Maybe a compromise could be reached? Althoug, if it's been on the floor for a while she probably wouldn't miss it anyway......

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