to bag DD's stuff and refuse to give it back

[youcantlabelme]

DD aged 15 has clothes clean and dirty, new and old all on the floor, make up and jewellery strewn all over her chest of drawers, school work everywhere but never on her desk etc.

Have lost count of the times I have asked, bribed, cajoled, begged, whinged etc in the vain hope that she would look after her room. I do all her washing and clean her room, and all I ask is that she keeps it tidy.

I got to the point yesterday, when I bagged whatever was on the floor or not in it's place (except school uniform and schoolwork) and have refused to give it back till she shows she can keep her room tidy for four weeks.

She says I am out of order (well, to paraphrase CK or was it MRD, she would wouldn't she!)

Am I though, given that she is a good kid really- works hard at school and at her out of school activities, and that maybe I should cut her a little bit of slack?

As my DDs share a room I have told DD1 (8) that if she leaves things on the floor for more than two days it gets picked up by me and I decide what to do with it. I don't expect her end of the room to be immaculate but I do expect to be able to walk through to open the curtains without going over on my ankle or breaking a toy. When she leaves it in a shitty state and refuses to tidy I do bag it all up and most of it goes to charity or in the attic.

Having said that, when I was growing up I NEVER responded to my mum's threats/pleas to tidy my room- because every couple of months she would snap and do the whole thing. Toys and clothes away, furniture moved, hoovered, the lot. When I got into my teens she left me to it and I lived happily in my self made pigsty-cum-junk shop for several years. I even had my pet mouse loose. It was how I wanted things and I loved the fact that finally I could just be myself.
It all sounds like double standards BUT I want to at least try and instil tidy habits in my children. DD2 is only just three but is already tidying away her side of the room with my help.

My mum used to do this when my room was a mess - bag everything , leave it in a bin bag for me to see when I got home from school and then throw it all away.

What she didn't realise was that I was a minimalist in the making and I loved her clearing my room out - I used to hide anything I wanted to keep and let her go for it!

Her room. Shut the door and don't go in. If she likes it like that, then let her have it like that.

one of my aunties used to put the stuff that was left on the floor IN THE BED!!!
worked well apparently.
I do think that she should tidy up and maybe restrict certain privileges until she does?
4 weeks is long, make her sort it out, wash it, iron it and put it back? No tv until then or something?

Do you help her tidy up every once in a while? I know my room used to get in such a mess it was too big a task to do on my own, I needed the input of an adult iyswim.

Ok Ok, I get it, I am BVU, but God you have to see it to believe it!!

Pointy Dog- have done the docked allowance thing.

Karen2205- what you have said is what was/is currently our arrangement. I snapped yesterday, cos there was no floor space for me to get across the floor to the flippin' laundry basket

Shodan-thank you for being the one person who has seen it from my angle

I guess I just need to chill a bit more...deep breath as I go in to say goodnight

How do I back down with the four weeks thing now though?

Just shut the door on it..I did, both my DDs have now left home and have tidier houses then mine

I think while they live in your house they should keep their rooms tidy. They can have messy rooms when they get places of their own.
So I think your reaction was right and you should keep the stuff for 4 weeks. With my children if they don't tidy their stuff up it just goes in the bin. If they want to know where their things are they have to put them away.

The best thing you can do for your own sanity is just never go into her room again until a) she leaves home, or b) she is about 23 and no longer wants to live in a shit hole (however this is by no means garunteed).

Its just not worth arguing over, teenagers don't see the mess - so long as they respect your space then thats all you can ask.

Mind you, i wouldn't be rushing to pick her dirty clothes off the floor - for all that teenagers are vile, they are pretty fashion concious and don't want to be seen as a minger - sack the washing fairies and only wash stuff that finds its own way to the washing basket!

YANBU - dfd room is normally awfull, have tried docking pocket money etc but nothing works. Last week the social worker declared it a health hazard and a fire hazard. You could not see an inch of floor and the blind never got opened. She still did not tidy it 2 days later the rats moved in to the roof space above her bedroom, she still did not tidy it. The social workers then gave me permission to move in the bag everything up vacum and clean the mold from the windows. Before I did she was due to have a guest at the weekend so finaly got on and did it, it not great but it is a lot better. I think the threat that the rats would be trying to get down into her room to find food may of helped. Social worker has also decieded that she is to have no one up there at all if it looks like it did.

The social workers will never pass things if they think they are too punative. We disscussed no tv and computer untill it was done but that was considered punative as it could drage on for weeks, but baging up the stuff and going in was allowed.

I can't imagine removing her stuff for 4 weeks would of been passed though. Try telling her 4 weeks was a bit rash, so you will do her a deal by giveing her one bag back and telling her that when it is all but away she can have another bag back etc.

I'm not the tidiest person and I was not looking for it to be perfect but there is a line passed which it is not on and doing what you have has shown her that.

At 15 you should not be doing her washing as it is not helping her learn the point at which cleaning, tidying and washing needs to be done.

Pick your battles.

Shut the door.

I don't do anything in my DDs' rooms. Washing has to be brought out to me when I ask for it, otherwise it doesn't get done. And yes they have both had to go to school in the previous day's sweaty not quite clean blouses due to not getting their washing to me on time .

BUT, they have to hoover and dust their rooms once a week to earn their allowances. It's amazing how they can keep it tidy when they've to got clean it (well it's a tip all week then they have a mad clear out each week).

I was a messy teenager and am a messy adult. I don't see mess. It doesn't affect me. I try to keep the children's bedrooms tidyish, but my own room is apalling.

We had a cleaner recently, and that was good as we kept tidy so she could clean. She left (I was worried we'd broken her with our untidiness, but she left everyone!) and things have slipped back again.

I think that some people just aren't tidy. I'm a messy person who KNOWS they are messy. H is a messy person who THINKS he's tidy. That's a more dangerous breed.

If you can live without your daughter's room, shut the door and leave her to it. She'll tidy if she wants people to stop over, or if she can't find something. Let her get on with it.

'all put away' that is

YABU, Having an ubtidy room is normal for a tenager. I would just leave her to it, But give her the resposibility of claening her room and puuting dirty clothes in the washing machine. If she doesn't do that then her clothes won't be washed

CRUMBS! HOW many people pick up after their DC's once they are school age??!! I know for a FACT that once children are in reception, they are expected to tidy away at the end of an activity. And my view is, if they are capable of it at school (which you'd know, as the teacher would soon be complaining about it), then they are capable of doing it at home. That goes for my 2 SN dc's as well. They get tidied up after until the first half term in reception, then they are responsible. I can shut the door! DS1 & DS2 share a room, and we do have a bit of a problem in as much as DS1 is anally naturally tidy, and DS2 is like a human tornado of mess, but if DS1 gets too wound up by the mess, then DS2 is sent up to tidy up. DD's room-eeeeewwwwww! I peek around the door occasionally, but not too often, mind you, or my head would explode at the digustingness of it! The washing baskets don't get brought downstairs, if I want to wash lights, they all get told to bring them down etc. All seem to manage this perfectly fine, it's just two of my DC's seem to be MESS-BLIND. I only get involved if it encroaches on other areas of the house, and it's a strict rule-if it's outside your room after you've gone to bed, it belongs to the bin men! Funnily enough, I've only had to do this with one toy per child, so I know they CAN tidy, they just don't WANT to. Then again, how often do adults want to tidy??

BTW, My DC's are DD 11yo (SN), DS1 7yo and DS2 6yo (SN). If they can do it, then all children can!

dd's room is hers - she is 16 and it's a tip. that is her little bit of the world and she can have it how she likes.

i do ask her to tidy it occasionally and she does...after a fashion - but if it isn't tidy meh whatever i have far more thing to get my tits in a knot over

I plan on making DS keep his room clean until he's 12 or so, after that the decision's his. As long as there are no dirty dishes in there to attract bugs and he does his own laundry I'll just keep the door shut if it's a disaster.

It's your house though OP and if you want her to keep her room tidy then she should, IMO.

"It's your house though OP and if you want her to keep her room tidy then she should, IMO."

Ah. Here is the fundamental difference. I don't think it is my house - I think it is our house. That means that out of respect for each other, we keep the shared spaces reasonably clean and tidy, but personal space -ie bedrooms - are kept as the occupants want them. However, the important thing to remember is that a big mess is overwhelming to a non-adult, so an offer to tidy up together might work.

I also agree with Shodan. All rooms in our house should be reasonably tidy and that includes DCs bedrooms even though they are both teenagers. Four weeks might be a bit long to keep the items though....

Dd1 is only 6. If her room is in a mess, it will stay that way. I go in and mop and dust, but only if it is tidy. If she wishes to live in squalor that's her business. However she is rewarded/praised for keeping tidy.

If her clothes aren't put into the washing basket, they aren't washed. If she runs out of clean clothes, she will have to wear dirty clothes (this has never happened).

It will be the same when she is 15.

She normally keeps it clean or has panicks, because X is coming round the next day, as happened last night and spends hours tidying (with guidance from us i.e. it would be easier if you did x first)

I think going into her room is a bit off tbh. I'd have been livid if my mum came into my room when I was 15.

"All rooms in our house should be reasonably tidy and that includes DCs bedrooms "

Why?

My DS's (16) bedroom is a pit of despair. It smells and everything is broken. So I dont go in. I gave up cleaning up after him a long time ago.

Its because of his refusal to keep things tidy that I no longer do any of his washing or ironing. No way was I going to carry on doing that when he just chucks it on the floor and it gets dirty again.

I had no privacy as a child. My DM used to regularly go through my things and move my furniture about, throwaway things she thought I didnt need etc. I want my DCs to have their own space.

But it is my house. They are going to have their own house one day.

I have learned to live with the state of DS's room although it does bother me. The thing I hate most is that everything gets broken once it goes in there. His room looks like something from 'how clean is your house'. It actually stinks too.

I dont buy him clothes now either. He got money for his birthday that he had to use to buy clothes with. That way he has what he needs and likes but I dont feel so churned up when he rips yet another pair of trousers from hem to groin (how the hell does he do that anyway?).

For those of you with little ones who spend hours teaching them to clean up after themselves - I dont want to dishearten you but I spent years teaching DS what to do and how to do it. I am hoping I didnt waste all that time (I am still carrying on in hope with his little brothers )

Stop doing her washing and close her bedroom door. Problem solved?

My room was a tip at that age but I worked to get pocket money, did well at school, came home on time when out etc etc etc and I think Id have been pretty hurt for the one thing I did 'wrong' to be singled out so severely. I can see why it'd get on your nerves though. Thing is that youve done it now so you cant just go back on your word, you'll have to at the very least work out a compromise eg: only gets washed if you bring it to the machine / wash it yourself.

I'm a shodan supporter here - stepdaughter is 18, nearly 19 - we have not long moved house so that she doesn't have a boxroom to exist in and she has space to hang her clothes up, etc. Her dad and I pay FORTUNES to live in this house and the only thing we ever ask her to do is keep her room tidy to respect the fact that she lives rent free and to not treat the place like a shithole.

The last time we looked in there, which caused DP to go totally ballistic, almost all her clothes were on the floor, despite having 4 built in wardrobes, there was make up, sweet wrappers, hairbrushes and expensive stuff we had bought her for xmas all over the floor. And it stank. I don't think that behaving like you live in a sty is appropriate behaviour for a young adult and shouldn't be encouraged by turning a blind eye. It's disgusting, unhygienic and encourages vermin, and that's apart from the fact that it's a big fat 'fuck you' to the people who bust a gut so that she can have a nice big room. She does not pay for her room separately, it is part of the family home.

DP says the next time she does it he is going to remove one essential item at a time, starting with her much coveted tv (which was bought for xmas on the understanding she kept her room tidy) and ending, if necessary with her bedroom door via her GHDs and bed. There is no excuse whatsoever for not putting things away tidily or at least every week having a blitz on it - it's the strewn nature of everything that gets me, and I'm generally a really easygoing person.

I can understand the 'choose your battles' aspect, but this is one battle I would choose because it is bound up in respect for home, family, financial outlay and other buggers' efforts.

CUNextTuesday - not her GHD's!!!!!
That would be threat enough for me...!