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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

In being furious at my brother?

61 replies

ReallyPissedOff · 30/01/2010 13:16

Story.

My brother has always been very tricky, always taking offense and falling out with people, imaging slights and holding grudges for years.

He doesn't really have a relationship with anyone else in the family now, but I have always stuck by him, listened to him moan for hours (and I mean hours) on the phone etc etc. He is never really that interested in me or my ds.

A few years ago I lent him money to help him buy his house, not a lot, about 2K, and he paid it all back (not in a lump sum, but I was ok with that).

More recently I lent him another 3K to help him out again (bearing in mind I am a single parent, so it was out of my savings). I told him in August I needed the money back by december, and he asked for my bank details, which I gave him. He didn't want to do a lump sum, but I had loaned it to him on the understanding I had it all back in one go.

He started being all difficult but finally agreed. wanted to do test transfers etc etc, which I just ignored.

December comes and goes, no money. Finally calls today asking when I want the money, and I said, well now. then he got started getting angry at me because "he knew I would be difficult and expect it all at the drop of a hat"

And it now denying that I ever gave him my details! Called me mad, and put the phone down on me!

WTF?

He is a doctor, btw, not married with no kids.

I sent him a text saying I thought he was being very ungrateful and rude, but just to send me the money, and he is now texting me saying I am making an issue out of nothing.

Am IBU?

I lent him money I could ill-afford, He agreed to pay it back by a certain date, didn't do it, blames me for not giving him my bank details and is calling me mad!

To honest, I just can't be bothered anymore.

OP posts:
ReallyPissedOff · 30/01/2010 13:19

oh, have namechanged!

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WhatNoLunchBreak · 30/01/2010 13:20

No, YANBU. He is. But then it sounds like he is going to offload this all on to you no matter who is in the right or who is in the wrong.

I hope you get your money back soon!

olderandwider · 30/01/2010 13:21

"He started being all difficult but finally agreed. wanted to do test transfers etc etc, which I just ignored."

He sounds very difficult, but why did you ignore his offer to do test transfers, given that you knew he was likely to be tricky about paying it back? Just wondering, not a criticism as he sounds very difficult to deal with.

Ignore his rantings, and just keep calmly repeating that you want the money back, give him your bank details, and then tell yourself to never lend him money again!

maxpower · 30/01/2010 13:21

YADNBU - but learn your lesson and don't lend him money again.

juneybean · 30/01/2010 13:24

YANBU, surely as a doctor he earns far more than you do!

My brother is the same, earns double the amount I do but never has any money?!

ReallyPissedOff · 30/01/2010 13:25

re the transfer, he just kept insisting on doing it his way, and I kept insisting that as he had my bank details correctly down ( I emailed them) there was no need for all of that - it was a way of him controlling me and I wasn't up for it. He wanted to do it his way...

It just really hurts as I have totally supported him during really hard times, and despite the fact he has been awful to my sister, who I am really close to.

Its like he has no idea how to behave.

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ReallyPissedOff · 30/01/2010 13:28

I just can't believe he can be so rude to someone who did him a massive favour!

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juneybean · 30/01/2010 13:30

They usually forget you've done them a favour.

ReallyPissedOff · 30/01/2010 13:34

yup, Juney. A lesson learnt.

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TheDevilWearsPrimark · 30/01/2010 13:45

My brother is just the same - single bloke on decent wage, living in really cheap shared house. But is constantly phoning to borrow money from me - I always give in too as otherwise he goes and asks my Gran who is living on a meagre pension.
Have to constantly chase him for it back and get the most ridiculous excuses.

olderandwider · 30/01/2010 13:52

Sounds like he likes playing power games, and the only thing to do is refuse to put yourself in a position where he has any power over you (like owing you money!)

Here's an idea: next time he asks to borrow money, tell him to try:
his bank - most offer very competitive loan rates
taking out a credit card with 0% interest
selling something
working overtime
cutting back on some of his expenses
asking another friend for help
having a financial makeover by the CAB as he clearly has trouble budgeting

Passive aggressive I know, but a long detailed email from you describing loads of options for him to consider may be the hint he needs that you are no longer his personal piggy bank.

ReallyPissedOff · 30/01/2010 15:19

ah well, he's burnt his bridges with me as far as I am concerned.

His last text said if only I stayed still in one place long enough (have moved once in 12 years) and played by normal rules (!), then I would be happier. (I think that is something to do with being a single parent and changing jobs to accommodate ds and work).

Also rather piously said that it was sad to see me self-destruct again and again!

Hallo? self-destruct? Last time I looked I work hard to support ds and myself...maybe he secretly disapproves of lone parents... oh, and I .and am setting up my own business!

Oh, and seem to do ok enough to subsidize him as he trained!

The boy has ishooos!

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FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 30/01/2010 15:21

You said you gave him your bank details and then said he is cross you didn't.

ReallyPissedOff · 30/01/2010 15:23

he said I didn't give them to him, which I did!

But surely the point was, if he had lost them or something, would be to text or call me again and ask for them?

Not to tell me I am mad and difficult for wanting my money back a good month after he promised to give it to me!

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Morloth · 30/01/2010 15:33

Play nice for now, sounds like he is trying to push you into cutting ties so he can then justify to himself not paying you back.

So smile sweetly, get your money and only interact with him on your terms from then on.

notanumber · 30/01/2010 15:41

Don't engage with the game-playing.

Of course his evasions and accusations are hugely irritating and upsetting, but arguing about it with him is not going to get your money back, it's just going to extend the whole saga.

Just calmly repeat (by text or email if it's easier than the telephone) that he owes you three thousand pounds and he needs to repay it. Send him the bank details again.

Ignore any distractions he tries to throw up about not having details/you moving/you being mad/you being self destructive. Just reiterate that he needs to give you the money and send the bank details again.

He will have to respond to that eventually, even if it is to say that he cannot repay it. If that is the case, you need to calmly say that he he has one month from now (to allow for a payday) to put the money in your account, and give him the bank details again.

Good luck!

AnyFucker · 30/01/2010 15:50

I think you should tell us where he works as a doctor...

..so we can all avoid it

verytellytubby · 30/01/2010 16:36

He sounds very odd.

maristella · 30/01/2010 16:40

morloth has probably hit the nail on the head!!
single bloke, working as a doctor and needing to borrow the odd few grand??
has he got a destructive and expensive habit by any chance?

Ingles2 · 30/01/2010 16:41

sounds like there is some issues going on.... gambling maybe?, drink? drugs?..
Whatever, you look after yourself, send him a calm letter, list the amount, bank details and when the money needs to be in the bank by..and repeat until payment is made.

ReallyPissedOff · 30/01/2010 16:56

The thing is, I am 100% sure he will pay the money back...he just needed to be an arse and have the moral high ground...sort of of course I will pay you the money back, but you are so flaky about stuff you have made it really hard for me to do that...

can't imagine why 5 months notice makes it hard for him to at least write a cheque and put it in the post!

Yes he is odd, he banned me from my stepfather's funeral ( his dad) saying I was nothing to do with him and was furious that I went and visited him in the nursing home before he died. Suffice to stay stepfather was thrilled I had got on a plane to come and say goodbye to him....

You ladies are great. I feel loads better. My BIL, never one to mince words, said, when my sis told him, he's a c**t!

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ReallyPissedOff · 30/01/2010 17:08

Sorry, not trying to to AIBU by stealth, he is, strictly speaking, my half brother, but as we were brought up together I don't think of him in any other way than my brother....

Might rethink that one now, clearly has no need of supportive sisters.

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thesecondcoming · 30/01/2010 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 30/01/2010 18:15

yep

drugs, gambling, booze, bad debt somewhere else (the kind that gets your kneecaps knocked off)

a doctor who has to borrow money from his single parent, half-sister, then is shitty about repaying it has a large problem of some sort

like I said...no doctor that I would like to have to come across...

ReallyPissedOff · 30/01/2010 19:06

I only wish it were drugs or gambling. But I know it was to help with the conveyancing on his house.

No, he's just being a mentalist shit.

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