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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know I'm not!! little brat at ds's school scaring him witless...

52 replies

queenoftheslatterns · 30/01/2010 09:07

dh joins the RAF on Wednesday, he will be doing an admin job but still has to go away for a while to do his basic training, then trade training. he was supposed to go on the 20th Jan but it was put back.

we have been talking to ds about it and the fact that daddy wont be around as much, but he has a new job and its very exciting, we took him to the RAF museum a few times and he was very excited that his daddy would be "driving aeroplanes" (we let that one slide) and is (rightfully) very proud of his daddy's new job.

the other night he woke up screaming, we went in and he was sobbing that he didnt want daddy to go to war, get shot and die. after calming him down I gleaned that a child at his school told him (after ds was saying that his daddy was going to RAF) that in the airforce and army you go to a far away place, get shot and die, so you dont have a daddy anymore or ever again. I am fuming. of course there are risks but a 4.5 year old doesnt need to know that!

OP posts:

ssd · 30/01/2010 09:11

speak to the childs mother and get him to shut up

then reassure your ds

Original poster

queenoftheslatterns · 30/01/2010 09:15

we have told ds that daddy will be looking after the aeroplanes and wont be allowed to go to war.

Im fuming

OP posts:

GibbonInARibbon · 30/01/2010 09:17

Firstly congrats on DH's job

I would imagine the other little boy wasn't meaning to distress DS (I would hope not anyway!) just reassure DS that Daddy is doing a different type of job and there really is no reason to worry. Do have a word with the mother of the other boy if you can and ask her to have a quiet word.

Original poster

queenoftheslatterns · 30/01/2010 09:19

i think i will have a quiet word, i would imagine that the other boy just heard an adult conversation and repeated it.

OP posts:

bumpybecky · 30/01/2010 09:20

you need to tell the teacher rather than approaching the other child's parents

would it be possible for your ds to visit your dh when the job really starts? just ten minutes looking at the office might help

GibbonInARibbon · 30/01/2010 09:21

I bet that is what has happened.

cinnamon81 · 30/01/2010 09:26

I wouldn't say the other boy is a brat, he is the same age as your son I assume, he's likely seen a clip on the news about the forces and from that picked up that forces equals war equals tragedy, then told your son his interpretation of it.

If I were in your circumstances I would try and explain to my child what daddy's job entails and that he won't be in the war, and have a quiet word with the teacher at school too.

Original poster

queenoftheslatterns · 30/01/2010 09:26

i dont know becky, Im not really sure how it would work. the teacher has said that for ds's show and tell on monday he can tell everyone about his daddys new job and show them pictures/his model aeroplane etc, but now i dont know if thats a good idea.

dh IS going away. that WILL happen and I thought we had prepared ds well for it, but now

OP posts:

Allidon · 30/01/2010 09:30

I agree that I don't think the little boy was being deliberatly malicious (I know that doesn't help your son to feel better), either he is repeating an adult conversation (or perhaps he has seen it on the news) or maybe a member of his family is in the armed forces and this has sadly happened to them. I agree with bumpybecky, speak to the teacher (a good idea anyway as if your DP is away your DS may struggle a little), and see if your DS can visit his Daddy at work.

Original poster

queenoftheslatterns · 30/01/2010 09:42

hmm, maybe i am overreacting a little. its just ds was really distressed and it really upset dh too. his teacher knows that dh is going in and has been fab.

OP posts:

macdoodle · 30/01/2010 09:52

GRRRRRRRRR I really hate this trend of calling other children brats, its bloody horrible and nasty, he is 4 I assume same as ours am bloody sure there was no intent!

Oh and YABU just for the nasty thread title!

AitchTwoOhOneOh · 30/01/2010 09:57

och, her son is waking up screaming and she's going to be dealing with it on her own, give her a break. but you are over-reacting to the boy himself, qos, he's just processing his own information about the military. speak to the teacher and agree about going to see daddy in the office if at all possible.

Goblinchild · 30/01/2010 09:59

Speaking as a Forces child myself, you need to understand that the child in question is possibly seeing the constant flow of stuff on the TV about coffins being brought back from the war, and photos of the dead on the TV,
Another point that I hope you never have to reach is when another child calls your son's father a killer.
I was six when I had a series of fights with the Irish in my school.
Take the chance to speak to the school, it needs a whole school approach. I hope it was a one off by a naive child.

Original poster

queenoftheslatterns · 30/01/2010 10:27

thanks all, i know I am being a little harsh. Its just v upsetting to hear your son say stuff like that, we are about to experience a massive upheaval and its hard to know how to make things easy for him.

OP posts:

Oblomov · 30/01/2010 10:41

OP, thread title, AIBU, no I'm not. the kid is a brat. 15 posts later shes realise she is bu, and the brat reference was BTU. ha ha. don't ya just love MN !!

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 30/01/2010 10:44

You must not approach the parent.

Speak to the teacher and she will sort it out.

Original poster

queenoftheslatterns · 30/01/2010 10:46

oblomov, yep, am regretting thread title now

FAB, you are right.

OP posts:

purpleduck · 30/01/2010 11:05

Thing is, nearly every week there is a soldier killed, and its reported on the radio. You can't blame a child for having the impression that army = death.

I think death and dying needs to be discussed with children more.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 30/01/2010 11:31

4.5 year olds think in very black and white terms (obviously !)

Soldiers/RAF = fighting = possibly being killed/killing

Hope you can reassure your DS.

Devendra · 30/01/2010 11:34

Well its true for lots of service personel.

GrendelsMum · 30/01/2010 12:47

How about (when he starts) photos of DH looking after aeroplanes, or sitting in an office, or something like that? Sort of boringly reassuringly photos?

MNingatmidnight · 30/01/2010 15:28

But what the child said is sometimes true. I don't think he is a brat at all. What a nasty thing to say! Four year olds are not very tactful and perhaps he knows someone who was in the raf/army and was killed? Perhaps his own father was in the forces and has died, or he may have overheard someone talking or he may have seen it on the news.

If your DH is not ever going to be posted overseas then reassure him and tell him that, do not tell him that if it is a lie though.

MNingatmidnight · 30/01/2010 15:30

ALos to add, what Devendra has said is also very true. If your dh is going to be in an operational role with the possibility of being posted overseas in certain areas then he himself must know the risk he is taking.

Original poster

queenoftheslatterns · 30/01/2010 16:41

ok, I have conceded that calling him a brat was unfair. I was very cross about it and have had very little sleep (being up all night with a hysterical 4yo takes it out of you) I also said that I dont think that the little boy in question was being malicious and perhaps repeating something that he had heard on the news.

however, I don't that that IABU to be cross that ds was upset like this. he was told by someone else that his daddy was going to die. dh will be going to Afghan at some point, in an administrative position, but he will be going.

we have tried from the very start to make this as positive as possible and this is a major setback. ds now thinks his daddy will die.

I wish I could change the title of the thread (as I have already said)but I cant.

OP posts:

Goblinchild · 30/01/2010 16:50

Well, I said good bye to my father on at least three occasions when he was heading into a war zone.
Don't blame an infant for your family's choices.
Afganistan is a dangerous posting even for admin, just like Northern Ireland was in the '70s and '80s. Again, we are constantly being asked to remember the dead, the newspapers are carrying photos, and it's high profile. You could contact the military counsellors who work with forces children looking at anxiety, family support and bereavement. Stop being angry with a child for a perfectly valid and possibly true statement.

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