I know I'm not!! little brat at ds's school scaring him witless...

[queenoftheslatterns]

dh joins the RAF on Wednesday, he will be doing an admin job but still has to go away for a while to do his basic training, then trade training. he was supposed to go on the 20th Jan but it was put back.

we have been talking to ds about it and the fact that daddy wont be around as much, but he has a new job and its very exciting, we took him to the RAF museum a few times and he was very excited that his daddy would be "driving aeroplanes" (we let that one slide) and is (rightfully) very proud of his daddy's new job.

the other night he woke up screaming, we went in and he was sobbing that he didnt want daddy to go to war, get shot and die. after calming him down I gleaned that a child at his school told him (after ds was saying that his daddy was going to RAF) that in the airforce and army you go to a far away place, get shot and die, so you dont have a daddy anymore or ever again. I am fuming. of course there are risks but a 4.5 year old doesnt need to know that!

Im not blaming an infant, Im saying Im upset about it. wouldn't you be too?

I'd be working out how to handle an unaccompanied posting and the consequences of that on my family. And be aware, there may come a time in the future when the boot is on the other foot. When we were stuck in a particularly nasty primary school in Nottinghamshire, my infant brother threatened another little boy who was bullying him with
'My dad will come in his tank and squash you and your family into the ground and drive over your house too.' That boy was worried for a while until it got sorted out and explained.

my point is though, he is 4. his daddy is about to go away for the first time in his life and this has upset him a great deal. we know what the risks are and didnt make the decision to join up lightly, but I dont feel that a 4 year old should be aware of those risks. when dh does get posted away we will discuss it with him. I have two brothers who have been to Afghan, one of whom has just come out of the army, another who will be doing his 3rd tour in about 6m.

i do take your point though.

and bear in mind also that ds has not been born INTO a forces family. this is new to all of us.

oh god now I think YAB even more U....you cant blame another child because your DH has joined the RAF and may be going to a warzone, smacks a bit of PFB now, are you going to keep him completely isolated because the war is all over the place you know!

My ds was born into a Forces family, but that makes no difference. They do not pop out knowing all the implications of their Dad's job. All your ds needs to know is that his Dad will be working away for a while, and he will still be in the UK.

If your ds sees the news or even listens to the radio when it's on, he may hear news about Afghanistan and be processing it. Be very matter of fact about what your dh is doing - and focus on the domestic. Keep things as routine as normal and he will soon get used to your dh being away.

I would just be dismissive of what the other boy said and change the subject. 4 year olds are easily distracted ime.

My ds is very sanguine about his Dad being away, and has been since a very young age (dh weekended from when he was 18 months to 5, and then again from 8-10) and sees it as an excuse to be in charge of the remote controls! Mind you, that could just be 14 yo male behaviour. I've found that answering questions when asked, but not raising them and concentrating on the everyday is the best trick.

I can totally understand your upset. It must have been awful for your child to wake up crying and being so scared.

My kids were not born when OH was on active service so i dont have any advice for you on how to deal with your Ds's fears. Other than keep it low key and help him find ways of answering if another child says something upsetting.

I agree its very unlikely the very young child was being deliberately horrible. Older children may well use it as a bullying tactic though so its not a bad idea to have some stratagies.

I'm sorry you are upset and your ds is upset but i think you are being totally unreasonable.

Four year old boys are known for their tact.

Your dh is signing up and will in future be going to a warzone so it is unfortunately possible that it might not end well.

That isnt something that you would socially say to somebody, as true or not it isn't polite. However this boy obv isn't clued up on social etiquette because he is four.

I cant believe that you didnt consider when arranging dh's job that would be a time when your ds would be upset about dh being in danger. It is something you would have had to deal with sooner or later.

I think queen is getting treated quite harshly here by some. She has said she regrets the title and admits it was typed when she was feeling very upset. Let's face it who wouldn't be, when your child is dreadfully upset, especially when it involves a loss of innocence about the world, it is heartbreaking.

Give her a break FFS, no need for the PFB comments imo, or does feeling your child's pain make you precious these days?

I'm not belittling her feelings at all, I just think that she needs to be very clear about how to support her son, and to recognise her own feelings about her husband's departure.
She should be reaching out for help from the professional counsellors available, other forces families in RL who are dealing with this and talking about strategies with her husband and close relatives.
Not throwing a wobbly because another 4 year old has said something inappropriate. It's distorting and displacing the truth of the matter, which is how to explain the next few months to her son in a way that he will understand.

I think YABVU to call this other child a brat. Any child when thinking of someone working in army, navy or airforce is going to think of war and any boy is going to think of war plus soldiers plus bullets plus...etc

It's just silly to blame this child. Kids are going to say this sort of thing

What you need to do is inform the teacher about this change in your child's home situation so they can be extra vigilant and supportive for a while, and let them know what the child has said so that they can address this in 'circle time' or similar and get the kids to do some thinking about it.

Also I think you need to make clearer to your DS about what his dad's job is. You've let him think that his dad will be flying planes when he won't be - surely it would be kinder to make clear, no Daddy works in an office (if that's the case) Will make it easier for him to understand and take away a big worry I would have thought

and sorry just read in more detail and realised you have backed down on the 'brat' term so ignore what I said there about the brat thing

queenoftheslatterns you need to remember that at school they have Rememberance assembly, talk about things in the news, hear things on the playground etc etc.

At home they see things on the news, hear adults talking.

A friend of mine teaches at a local school where all the fathers and some mums too ARE at war and the children have questions all the time which are very hard to deal with.

Children are all to aware of the meaning of war even at 4 years old I think.

Tough one....I feel for you, but agree with you this little boy was not a brat just a young child with so many questions himself I am sure.

Poor DS (and you).

I'd just change the subject and reassure him.

My DS is 4, he knows Daddy is in "Iraqa" (his name for it, he points across the Solent to Portsmouth ), but he has no idea about anything else, his little friend asked if his Daddy had a gun, DS doesn't have a clue what a gun is. One day we'll have to explain in more detail what DH does, but four years old is not the right time IMO - well not for my DS anyway.

"I cant believe that you didnt consider when arranging dh's job that would be a time when your ds would be upset about dh being in danger. It is something you would have had to deal with sooner or later."

of course we considered it, as I said we talked at great length about the implications of joining the RAF on our family. dh isnt in yet, so at the moment we really are learing as we go along. I dont think that at 4 we should have sat ds down and told him "your daddy will soon be going away rto train and after that he will be going to a warzone and he could die" why would we? surely the best thing to do is play down the dangerous aspects of forces life until ds has settled into it a bit more and is a bit older?

We have been very lucky in that ds's life hasn't yet been affected by death. so we havent had to discuss it with him.

I am not cross with the little boy, his parents or the teacher - I am upset that my son has been so badly upset. maybe I have handled dh's joining up badly, but I have done my best.

There's a realy good book out called My Daddy Is A Soldier (I know yours is RAF not Army but hey....) which explains about the daddies going away for a while and then coming back. I've got a few copies because a friend of mine wrote it and I'll send you one if you think it would help your son come to terms with what's happening.

Queenoftheslatterns - I too am really sorry that your DS has been upset when you have done your best to introduce this to him gently/gradually. I also see that you regret your thread title....

I just want to say though, that really, there isn't anything to ask the teacher to 'sort out', you can't stop other children talking to your son in case they say something upsetting. Unfortunately once they are no longer at home 24/7 you just don't have that level of control over what they see & hear.

I also think you need to use the phrase 'at the moment' a lot! At the moment Daddy will still be in England, at the moment Daddy isn't going to where the war is' don't tell him Daddy isn't going to do those things because he will be, then you risk making it look like you lied to him from the beginning....

Good Luck with it all

scootergrrrl, that would be lovely if you wouldnt mind!

chippingin, I think thats the problem. we can do oour best but ultimately theres a bit chunk of his life that is his alone and we cant stop him talking to people etc. he seems ok now, I have shown him some of my brothers pics from Afghan and talked to him about the desert etc.

we need to try to keep things as normal as possible for him.

No problem - do you want to CAT me your address?

I dont have CAT but my email is lissie _ g78 at yahoo dot co . uk

Will send you a message later on.

thank you, I really appreciate it x

It´s upsetting, but NORMAL for 4 year olds to talk like this.

You can help your DS by telling him that it´s different.

You can´t get upset with a 4 yr old boy for something like this, it´s how 4 year olds think (and speak). Please don´t have it "out" with the child´s parent or the teacher.

They also think that if you´re dead, you can come back alive again.

They also think you can fall off the earth.

They also think you can fly to the moon in a cardboard box with "ROKET" scribbled on it.

They are 4.

forgot something very important.

At this age, children become fascinated by death.

My DS cried himself to sleep on various occasions, just because he´d figured out his mummy and daddy would probably die before him, and then who would take him to school and look after him? He also woke up crying afer nightnares about me dying.

He was really upset.

All children have to go through this. But yes, it IS upsetting.

In your case it was triggered by an external comment, but it´s necessary for children to think about, and learn to understand (if that is possible) about death and what it means.

Being a child is quite a serious job really.

Do you live in a 'forces' town? I do, and the children in my town all have a very good idea of what war is, and most children know at least one other child who is a 'forces child'. Many of my DC's friends currently have friends parents away, and sadly, a child in DS2's class lost their father last year. On another note, also last year, DS1's best friend's mum lost her fight against BC. Death is something all school age children will come across in one way or another, be it a family member, a friend's family member, or a much-loved pet. My own DC's in the past 12 months have gone through me having a sb baby, and our dog dying, as well as the other things I've already spoken about. It was not nice trying to explain sb to a very upset 4yo(he was almost 5), 6yo and 10yo. My DD's new best friend at Secondary school lost her mum in a car accident when she was 8yo.

This child's comment was unlikely to have been meant maliciously. I do think you should talk to the teacher, but more about how to help your DS through this difficult time, than about another child's comment. I hope your DS is feeling better now.