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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for being pissed off at dh for my life in general?

68 replies

AandO · 29/01/2010 21:31

I've just posted this message in midlife crisis thread but not sure if its the same or not as I'm only 33 so I thought I'd post it here.

Am I being unreasonalbe for being really pissed off at my dh for the way my life is right now?

My dh is studying and spends every waking hour in the library, he gets in at 11pm. We moved here so that he could go to uni, and I am self employed, working from home - so I see no one all day and despite living here 3 and a half years have no friends in the area. My ds goes to a childminder. I can't take up an evening class etc as I have to stay in with ds as I can't afford a babysitter as I pay a childminder at daytime, and dh is not earning. My family don't live in this country. I feel very very isolated.

Am at a low tonight as there is a comedy gig on in my village that I wanted to go to badly, and I just found out that my childminder is going...just depressed me to think of other people going and me never leaving the house. All I want to do lately is go out, drinking and dancing and go travelling. I am bored stiff and lonely. I asked my dh to go to lady gaga concert with me last week, he laughed at me, and then I thought that I don't really want to go with someone who does not really want to be there anyway. What I really want is a group of friends to go out with. I've told him that we are going away travelling next year when uni is over, he has agreed, he thinks I'm having a breakdown perhaps!

Anyway, I feel pissed at dh about this right now,and am drinking wine so decided to post this just to get it off my chest really!

OP posts:
maxpower · 29/01/2010 21:36

I think it's a bit unfair to blame your DH for all of this. I assume you agreed to the plan for him to go to uni? My DH is retraining for a new career that will result in shift work, so I know what a tie it is to be left with all the childcare, nursery runs etc while he's got his head buried in the books. But I accepted all that before he started as we both had to be on board with it.

However, as part of reaching an understanding, I made it clear to him that I would need the occasional bit of me time. Can you explain how you're feeling to your DH and see if you can reach a compromise?

Boys2mam · 29/01/2010 21:36

I'm sorry you're feeling so low.

How old is your DS? Could you sacrifice one CM day for a babysitter one night per week, just for yourself?

moondog · 29/01/2010 21:38

What is he studying?
How long will it last?

I've had experience fo living in a foreign country with two very small children adn a dh who was always either working or studying but as it meant a great deal in terms of future job opportunities, i put up with it. Wasn't always easy thoguh, it has to be said.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 29/01/2010 21:40

What is your DH studying? Does he work as well or is he a full time student? Because even the most demanding course and the most conscientious student don't usually demand work until 11pm every single day.......

onepieceoflollipop · 29/01/2010 21:41

Could you afford a babysitter even once a month for 2-3 hours? We have a couple of very reliable and responsible local teenagers and they get £10-£15 for a night.

Sometimes (all of the time if I'm honest) dh and I just go to the pub for a couple of glasses of wine and a cheap meal and are home by 10ish, but it is so fab just to get out for a couple of hours.

Original poster
AandO · 29/01/2010 21:42

I'm sorry, you're all right, I'm just upset tonight. It was agreed of course in advance, its just been 4 years now and I'm tired of never seeing him. But I guess more than that it's the friends thing.

OP posts:
muggglewump · 29/01/2010 21:42

It sounds tough but could you accept that this is what you have to do whilst your DP qualifies?
Do you think your DP will be more hands on with your DS after?

Perhaps he really wants to do his best as he knows what a sacrifice is being made for him, so feels he needs to study all the time.

Can you not spare the money for a babysitter once a month so you can have a night out?

Original poster
AandO · 29/01/2010 21:44

I've spoken to him about going out on occasion but he is always too busy. He goes to a top uni, all the kids on the course are really uber clever, he has to work hard to keep up.

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Original poster
AandO · 29/01/2010 21:46

The end of the course is coming up this summer but he won't be qualified to do anything! He did a masters degree in philosophy!! He wants to do a phd and become a lecturer but its another 4 years and we'll be nearly 40 then.

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MissWooWoo · 29/01/2010 21:47

oh AandO chin up (not so) old girl! by the sounds of it you've been holding it together so well ... it won't always be like this, by the sounds of it there is light at the end of the tunnel. Hold out a little bit longer. It'll all be worth it.

TheCrackFox · 29/01/2010 21:48

When does he finish his studies?

Dh works crazy hours and TBH I have lost count of the times I have missed out on doing stuff in the evening. It is a bit shit but there isn't much I can do about it.

It can be very hard being on your own in the evening. I do sympathise.

Are there any teenagers around that are desperate for cash? Maybe your CM would know of some babysitters.

gingernutlover · 29/01/2010 21:49

why dont you take your ds to toddler groups or classes of some sort? You would make freinds there probably.

I agree though that being at the library until 11pm every single night 7 days a week is unreasonable. I am suprised the library even open that late at weekends. I assume he is at lectures during the day yes? Unless there is something else to this that we dont know, like he is doing medicine or soemthing which requires long hours on placements as well as lectures and study time?

Don't be pissed off with him for everything that is wrong with your life though - it's hardly any way to make him see sense. You need to sit him down and negotiate with him until you reach a solution which you are both happy with. I do think blaming your husband for you having no friends is ridiculous. My husband works 7 days a week and I work too (part time) and I very rarely go out in the evening yet I still manage to have friends. I don't think you are beign unreasonble to want to go out in the evenings by the way - just that it isnt essential to making friends.

gingernutlover · 29/01/2010 21:49

why dont you take your ds to toddler groups or classes of some sort? You would make freinds there probably.

I agree though that being at the library until 11pm every single night 7 days a week is unreasonable. I am suprised the library even open that late at weekends. I assume he is at lectures during the day yes? Unless there is something else to this that we dont know, like he is doing medicine or soemthing which requires long hours on placements as well as lectures and study time?

Don't be pissed off with him for everything that is wrong with your life though - it's hardly any way to make him see sense. You need to sit him down and negotiate with him until you reach a solution which you are both happy with. I do think blaming your husband for you having no friends is ridiculous. My husband works 7 days a week and I work too (part time) and I very rarely go out in the evening yet I still manage to have friends. I don't think you are beign unreasonble to want to go out in the evenings by the way - just that it isnt essential to making friends.

verytellytubby · 29/01/2010 21:49

I don't think you are being unreasonable. He doesn't need to study until 11pm every night. I think at least he could commit to coming back one evening a week (he can study at home if your DC are in bed) so you can go out. I couldn't tolerate your loneliness.

MissWooWoo · 29/01/2010 21:50

oh we've xposted. to phd straight away ... get that year away that you were talking about on the mid life crisis thread first.

Can you meet a local mumsnetter or two maybe?

Original poster
AandO · 29/01/2010 21:51

I think I could get an occasional babysitter, perhaps. But have no one to go out with either! I think mostly my prob is sitting in working from home on my own all day and having no friends in the area. In a way I think there no point now, dh finishes up in May and then if we can rent the house we'll move. I really need to get away and do something so I want us to travel for a year, if at all possible. I just feel soooooo bored. I go days without talking to anyone other than ds (age 3).

OP posts:
MrsRigby · 29/01/2010 21:51

YABU

It's your life, if your not happy then do something about it.

leighla · 29/01/2010 21:54

Whereabouts do you live hun? You obviously dont work 7 days a week, so on your days off get out there with your son, meet some other mums,you would probably make friends for life who would always be willing to take the kids for a night from time to time and you could do the same in return! It wouldnt hurt your dh for one or two nights a month to have your ds so you could let your hair down, put your foot down and DEMAND some me time!! xx

Original poster
AandO · 29/01/2010 21:55

I used to go to toddler group and enjoyed that. But now ds has preschool when the toddler group is on. I tried to make friends with the other mommys but they were all sahms and met on lots of other days of the week so after a while I was just the person they saw at the group and I started to realise they all knew loads about each other, saw each other alot, were all good friends etc. Once ds went to preschool I couldn't go to toddlers anymore. Sorry to be so depressing!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
AandO · 29/01/2010 21:58

I don't really blame dh. I'm just pissed about tonight. I told him I wanted us to go out to this comedy thing 2 weeks ago. He just doesn't seem to care that I want to go out to things.

OP posts:
Original poster
AandO · 29/01/2010 21:59

MrsRigby, what do you suggest I do?

OP posts:
claw3 · 29/01/2010 22:00

I think we all have days like this from time to time, when we look back and think where has the time gone, what have i done with my life.

Corny as it is, i think of others who are much worse off, it doesnt cheer me up, but makes me realise i need to make the most of what i do have and stop worrying about what i dont, if they makes sense!

WashwithCareAgain · 29/01/2010 22:01

He is being unreasonable.

I have a degree and a masters, and it is perfectly possible to do one without working till 11pm every night...

In any case, he will have a library card - he could come home and do work there while you go out...

Think you need to re-negotiate - sounds like he is taking the Michael...

TheCrackFox · 29/01/2010 22:02

I know I am going to sound like a traitor here but have you tried the local section of Netmums? They have a meet-a-mum section that is really good.

Original poster
AandO · 29/01/2010 22:05

Thanks claw, I do that alot too, I find its really useful. I am actually normally a really optimistic person, odd as that may seem reading tonights posts. In fact until recently I used to consiously count my blessings every day.

I guess I feel like I've finally cracked, like this isolation is just too much for me. I know he'll be finished up in May but at the mo that seems too long to handle. I've asked him to give me more time but he said that his final year is not the time to ease up on his studies. He doesn't get as much work done at home as he does in uni which is why he can't work from home and mind ds.

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