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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for being pissed off at dh for my life in general?

68 replies

AandO · 29/01/2010 21:31

I've just posted this message in midlife crisis thread but not sure if its the same or not as I'm only 33 so I thought I'd post it here.

Am I being unreasonalbe for being really pissed off at my dh for the way my life is right now?

My dh is studying and spends every waking hour in the library, he gets in at 11pm. We moved here so that he could go to uni, and I am self employed, working from home - so I see no one all day and despite living here 3 and a half years have no friends in the area. My ds goes to a childminder. I can't take up an evening class etc as I have to stay in with ds as I can't afford a babysitter as I pay a childminder at daytime, and dh is not earning. My family don't live in this country. I feel very very isolated.

Am at a low tonight as there is a comedy gig on in my village that I wanted to go to badly, and I just found out that my childminder is going...just depressed me to think of other people going and me never leaving the house. All I want to do lately is go out, drinking and dancing and go travelling. I am bored stiff and lonely. I asked my dh to go to lady gaga concert with me last week, he laughed at me, and then I thought that I don't really want to go with someone who does not really want to be there anyway. What I really want is a group of friends to go out with. I've told him that we are going away travelling next year when uni is over, he has agreed, he thinks I'm having a breakdown perhaps!

Anyway, I feel pissed at dh about this right now,and am drinking wine so decided to post this just to get it off my chest really!

OP posts:

mrspnut · 29/01/2010 22:07

I agree with Washwithcare, but I am in the position of not knowing many people where we live and not having many friends.

I get by but I yearn for more iyswim, meeting mumsnetters is a good idea. I've met a few here but no-one at the same child stage as me that I could become proper friends with.
I live in Lincolnshire, so if you live near me then let me know because my youngest is 3 and I'm always up for doing things in the evening.

Original poster

AandO · 29/01/2010 22:07

Hi crackfox, I live in Ireland, I always assumed the local thingy would be all UK based but haven't checked, will check.

OP posts:

elliott · 29/01/2010 22:08

Why does he need to be in the library to work? Can't he work at home sometimes and let you get out?
Does he help at all with childcare? How does he feel about being a father - how involved with your ds is he?
Personally I think it is unreasonable for any parent to arrange their working lives such that they are unable to contribute to domestic work and childcare. Its selfish and not necessary. It is actually possible to work hard and make something of yourself but limit your hours so that you still have a life and some relationships.

moondog · 29/01/2010 22:09

I think it's ridiculous what he puts in though.I've just completed a very demanding MSc while working f/t. I have two small kids and my dh works away for weeks on end.

No wonder you are pissed off!

Original poster

AandO · 29/01/2010 22:11

Hi Elliot, he is great with ds. He gives him brekkie every morning so that I can have a relaxing shower. He is mad about ds. He minds him all summer when uni is not on, its just term time that is the problem, so Sept to May!!

OP posts:

elliott · 29/01/2010 22:12

I'm afraid I'm with WWC here. The thing is if he has become accustomed to a pattern of family life where basically he leaves it all to you then he is not going to change whether or not he is 'studying'. There will always be something he has to work towards the means he prioritises work over you and his son.

abbierhodes · 29/01/2010 22:12

I'm sorry, I wouldn't be putting up with this. When does he see his child?

He does not need to be in the library that late at night. When I did a degree I worked 16 hours a week on top and still had plenty of time for a life.

I certainly wouldn't be putting up with this for a qualification that won't even benefit the family!

What are you actually getting from your relationship? Because he sounds like a freeloading lodger to me. At least a lodger would contribute to the rent.

moondog · 29/01/2010 22:12

Well,he should come home,put his son to bed and then study at home while you go out.
Have you not discussed this?

Original poster

AandO · 29/01/2010 22:12

Moondog, is that not terribly hard, having your dh away for weeks at a time?

OP posts:

claw3 · 29/01/2010 22:13

Studying at home is difficult and im assuming he is doing this for a better future for all of you, even if it doesnt feel like it right this minute.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes all that is needed is a good moan and a bottle of wine.

elliott · 29/01/2010 22:13

OK I am slightly mollified but only slightly. What about the evenings - if he worked at home at least you coudl get out and make some friends. Or even just be with him...

Original poster

AandO · 29/01/2010 22:14

That's how I feel Elliot, like he prioritises studying over us.

OP posts:

TheCrackFox · 29/01/2010 22:15

Is there any chance that you could go back home for the weekend and catch up with friends? Leave DS with DH. Wait until he has finished exams/essay.

I can guarantee you that your DH will have a new found appreciation for you when you get back.

scottishmummy · 29/01/2010 22:15

stand up for yourself woman.tell him you are going out - give 1 week notice and go out.he needs to give you some time

additionally you need to assert self,not unwittingly his supreme selfishness by constant availability

moondog · 29/01/2010 22:16

It has been A&O but he comes home every 6 weeks, we go to him and he gets very good money (wouldn't do it otherwise).

So, what i said..why doesn't he study at home?Noone needs to be in a physical building called a library these days.
Is he out now?

elliott · 29/01/2010 22:17

I'm sorry but he is not doing it for the sake of his family. He is pursuing a dream of becoming a philosophy academic while his wife supports him and does most of the childcare and has no life. (I work in academia so I do recognise the pattern of work that is prevalent...)

moondog · 29/01/2010 22:18

I'm with you Elliott.
Philosophy???

Come on.

Merrylegs · 29/01/2010 22:20

You don't sound like a family at all - rather three separate people who just happen to share the same roof at night.

Your DH is out 7 days a week till 11, you are working from home, your DS is at the childminders all day....

When do you actually ever all meet up together? It sounds absolutely crazy.

You need to get some balance back into your life. I don't believe your DH HAS to study at the library. I think it is partly a choice. Do you actually all like each other?

TotalChaos · 29/01/2010 22:20

does he have a job as well, or just study?

Original poster

AandO · 29/01/2010 22:21

He is out now. He just texted and said he got the 9.30 bus, he normally gets the 10pm bus but he has a headache.

To be fair if I announced I was going out he would stay in. But probs with lack of friends unfortunately!!

Crackfox, my family all emigrated to the US so no family. Have a few friends about 5 hours drive away, could visit there. It is his final 4 months or something of uni though so not a great time for me to pass over ds.

Plus he took all of nov off uni to tend to me and ds as we contracted swine flu, he was fab. So he is very stuck for time now, has loads of essays etc as he had to get extensions due to the swine flu.

OP posts:

claw3 · 29/01/2010 22:21

I didnt see the post about what he is studying, i must have missed a few.

A&O what is your dh hoping to do with this degree?

Original poster

AandO · 29/01/2010 22:23

He did it for the love of the subject, something he always wanted to do. Not in a benefiting family way no. But I encouraged him, he was miserable in old job, always wanted to study philosophy he is v v happy since he began the course, so I'm delighted for him...just lonely myself.

OP posts:

CirrhosisByTheSea · 29/01/2010 22:24

I think he's in the uni bar till 11!!

Agree with everyone who says he does not need to be out of the house all that time. It's crazy. I thought you might say he was at medical school, which I could just about see might take this many hours and this many years (and which would result in a great job and great money for all the family in the end) but - philosophy? He is making heavy weather of it, imo......

You just need to tell him that he needs to be home more in the evenings. Of course he can work from home, you seem to be on a PC, he can use that!

join an evening class, or an exercise class, and GET OUT!!

He is being totally unreasonable at present but so would you be if you allow this to carry on.

scottishmummy · 29/01/2010 22:25

most PG literature avail remote access etc.no need sit hunched in library til 11pm - i didnt

and philosophically how does he feel about being selfish,absent and avoidant

Original poster

AandO · 29/01/2010 22:26

Merrylegs, I have ds on fri, sat and sun. He started swimming lessons today and I chatted to the woman sitting next to me watching her kids. Felt a bit pathetic, like chatting to a stranger is my only human adult contact kind of thing!!!

OP posts:

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