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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for being pissed off at dh for my life in general?

68 replies

AandO · 29/01/2010 21:31

I've just posted this message in midlife crisis thread but not sure if its the same or not as I'm only 33 so I thought I'd post it here.

Am I being unreasonalbe for being really pissed off at my dh for the way my life is right now?

My dh is studying and spends every waking hour in the library, he gets in at 11pm. We moved here so that he could go to uni, and I am self employed, working from home - so I see no one all day and despite living here 3 and a half years have no friends in the area. My ds goes to a childminder. I can't take up an evening class etc as I have to stay in with ds as I can't afford a babysitter as I pay a childminder at daytime, and dh is not earning. My family don't live in this country. I feel very very isolated.

Am at a low tonight as there is a comedy gig on in my village that I wanted to go to badly, and I just found out that my childminder is going...just depressed me to think of other people going and me never leaving the house. All I want to do lately is go out, drinking and dancing and go travelling. I am bored stiff and lonely. I asked my dh to go to lady gaga concert with me last week, he laughed at me, and then I thought that I don't really want to go with someone who does not really want to be there anyway. What I really want is a group of friends to go out with. I've told him that we are going away travelling next year when uni is over, he has agreed, he thinks I'm having a breakdown perhaps!

Anyway, I feel pissed at dh about this right now,and am drinking wine so decided to post this just to get it off my chest really!

OP posts:

moondog · 29/01/2010 22:26

A&O, PLEASE ANSWER MY QUESTION!
WHY CAN HE NOT STUDY FROM HOME:?

elliott · 29/01/2010 22:27

Well that sounds great for him. But it sounds like it is time to rebalance. he has been studying all the time you have been parents, yes?
Personally I'd be having some serious talks about where you go next after he finishes in May. Time for him to earn some money surely, and support you in what you want to do??

elliott · 29/01/2010 22:28

doesn't he take some family time at the weekend?
Oh dear, I think you have been seriously over-accommodating to this man.

TheCrackFox · 29/01/2010 22:29

Actually AandO I think your DH is taking the piss. Once your Ds is in bed you can go out while your DH studies in his own kitchen.

You need to tell him and not ask. do not give him a choice in the matter.

Original poster

AandO · 29/01/2010 22:30

If he comes home in the evening he ends up helping with bedtime and then getting all relaxed and deciding not to go back to work that evening (great news for me) but then feels bad himself and makes sure he stays in uni to avoid taking the evening off as such.

I would put foot down but his final term of whatever so not great timing, should have done it earlier but until stopped breastfeeding (when ds 2.3) didn't feel like ever leaving the house. Its only in the past year that i feel an urge for an outside the house life.

OP posts:

verytellytubby · 29/01/2010 22:31

As I said a few posts ago, why can't he study at home in the evenings (at least once a week) so you can go out??? Join an exercise group, pub quiz etc....

You get one life and it's up to you to make it the one you want. He sounds incredibly selfish.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 29/01/2010 22:31

i agree elliott that A&O seems to have been a doormat over accommodating to say the least

I think you need to work out a life that gives BOTH of you some pleasure.

Putting up with a life that makes you miserable and then suddenly getting to breaking point and just wanting to escape travel is not the only path here - there is a more measured, middle path where both parents take a more equal share of the good bits of life!

Mollymom · 29/01/2010 22:33

Have you tried to arrange 1 night a week where he brings the books home to study and you cna take up maybe a yoga (for e.g) class or something? It would only take up 1-2 hrs a week but the regularity of meeting the same people migh help you develop a friendship or 2? And meet potential baby sitters?

elliott · 29/01/2010 22:36

ACtually I do agree that now is not the time to expect changes. But come May...
I feel very sorry for you not having any friends, I can't imagine surviving having small children without a support network of other women for company (and my DH has always been around and involved).
Does your ds ever get to be with other families and children?

scottishmummy · 29/01/2010 22:37

grow a spine woman.you allow his selfish behaviour by acquiescing and making yourself constantly available to his needs

the days of nose to journal in library are gone.remote access.databases.virtual books....

as long as you allow this - he will take piss

he isnt a keen bean single undergrad he also dad and husband.time to accept that

Original poster

AandO · 29/01/2010 22:37

I took up a yoga class but only made 5 classes of the 10 week term, as dh worked!

I think a fresh start is called for come summer. New rules, new hours. No more of this silly life!

Thanks for listening everyone. I worked like a bitch when I went to uni as a mature student, and he financially supported me, it was a deal, I go to uni first then he goes. So I always knew the deal, just didn't know how hard I'd find it!!

He just walked in the door. Going to go now. Thanks a million for letting me get this off my chest. Will try not to be a door mat in the future! xxx

OP posts:

arsesandoldlace · 29/01/2010 22:38

"He did it for the love of the subject, something he always wanted to do. Not in a benefiting family way no"

Well I'm sorry but he is taking the piss. There is no way a man with a family should be in full time education with no intention of it benefiting the family. Yes I am being judgemental.
What's wrong with Open University? Or did he just want to live the academic life?

"he is v v happy since he began the course"

I bet he is! So he's essentially planning to spend the better part of a decade 'enjoying' his course, while you rush around with a f/t job and then take on the majority of childcare?

I despair.

so I'm delighted for him...just lonely myself.

arsesandoldlace · 29/01/2010 22:41

Accidentally posted before I'd finished:

"so I'm delighted for him...just lonely myself"

Tbh I would be surprised if you didn't come to truly resent him before long.
Leave the DC with him next time and go to the comedy gig with your childminder?

elliott · 29/01/2010 22:54

the difference being that when you were working your socks off, you weren't parents.

I have been there done that myself, have worked all hours for professional exams pre-kids. But I did my doctorate through maternity leaves and the early years of childcare - it took a lot longer because I just couldn't work in that intensely absorbed way I had before, and instead had to squeeze it into much smaller periods. It still got done though (and I don't think I worked a single weekend in the process ), but I learnt to relegate work to its proper status (i.e. some way lower than maintaining relationships with people I loved and who needed me)

2babyblues · 29/01/2010 23:08

It sounds like the situation has got a bit out of hand and you now think that this is the way it has to be. Seems like he could study at home most of the time as you son is at a childminders in the day anyway.

Just out of interest, what time does he get up in the morning?

I would say it was reasonable for him to study out of the house in work hours and then come home for dinner and help put your son to bed etc. Then stay home and study then you could go out if you wanted to. Also, with all the hours he's doing he should really be able to take the weekends off to have family time.

Chandon · 30/01/2010 09:30

if your DS is age 3, you should get him into local playgroup.

I am from abroad and only moved here a year ago, and I´v made loads of friends through my DCs (3 and 5 then), especially through playgroup, which led to playdates etc.

Also, you could look to joining a book club (if you like reading) or and child activities in your area.

You´ll find LOADS of women in the same situation as you! I think English people are on the whole quite friendly and open and it´s easy to get to know people.

Also, chat to other mums at the playground etc. Get all the neighbours around for coffee (or a drink) one day. etc. etc. Join baby sitter circles (or start your own). Start taking DC to swimming classes, you´ll meet people there. Cast your net wide!

You do have to make a bit of an effort, not easy I know, but really worth it.

scottishmummy · 30/01/2010 19:29

you are eligible for free nursery place.why not put son in nursery?

PlanetEarth · 31/01/2010 13:01

I really can't see why he is studying every day till 11pm. I did a degree, and later a part-time PhD (in addition to a full-time job, pre-kids admittedly) and certainly wasn't studying all hours. I had evenings off, and even whole weekends off .

Obviously it's not great for you, but I would say it's not very healthy for him either.

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