To be at the end of my tether?

[Pushmeinthepool]

I am just at the end of my tether; I have 2 girls aged 10 and 5 and a 6 month old DS. DS screams and screams and screams. Constantly. He wakes 2 or 3 times every night for milk. My Hv has been very supportive and we have tried special milks in case he has a milk intolerance or allergy, we've tried reflux medicine. Both made no difference at all. Unless DS is being held, he screams. And screams. We are off for some cranial osteopathy this afternoon, to see if that helps.

My DH doesn't pull his weight as much in the house as I think he should. He works full time, I work part time, and I do most things in the house. He does do some things such as bath DS sometimes, or occasionally unload the dishwasher, but he just creates dirt and mess wherever he goes; the house gets so bad it needs cleaning from top to bottom every single day, which with a baby that won't stop crying is proving rather difficult.

Coats and shoes are left wherever he happens to be when he takes them off; at night he always ends up pulling the mattress cover off on his size of the bed and never puts it back in the morning; after tea he gets up from the table and leaves his chair out; any surface that is available gets his stuff crammed onto it; rather than put any washing on he will stand in the wash basket to cram the washing down rather than do any washing; I wash, dry, iron if necessary, and fold clothes and even then a pile will sit downstairs for weeks if I left it as he would never think to take it up. I do all food shopping, meal planning, cooking. he regularly makes himself bacon sandwiches and never cleans the grillpan, hence it is just sitting around for days.

Sorry about the long list. I do love him to bits but I need help round the house from him. I have cried, argued, shouted, begged, asked nicely, reasoned that I am sinking with housework and the crying baby but he doesn't do more.

Should I go on strike? My friend started striking a year ago and her house has gradually got into more and more of a shithole as I don't think her DH has noticed she's striking. Would striking work, do you think?

Have you got enough money to pay for a cleaner twice a week? It may save a lot of arguements?

Alternatively maybe a Marriage Course may help freshen up that memory on how to treat your wife in a marriage weblink: relationshipcentral.org/marriage-course

Really hope the Cranial Osteopathy works. My Son really benefited from a McTimoney Chiropractor. Although as he was colicky, after the colic finally went he had gotten into some very bad habits in my effort to help settle and soothe him, and it took persistence, consistency and sleep training to get him to learn to settle himself, once over the colic.

Eitherway I hope things start to look up for you x

2 or 3 times a night seems usual to me. ds used to wake every hour for a feed until he was 11mo!

I have to say the idea of striking really doesn't sound good. For one you have to live with it as well (and it sounds like you have different standards to you OH). For a second it sort of reinforces the belief that somehow the housework is your problem and he has to "help" you.

That's bollocks, you both live there and somehow you both have to come to an agreement about what is acceptable.

You sound very positive about him in other respects so it is probably something you can solve between you. I don't agree with pandering to people but maybe if he has a list to work from it would help. Although again that does give him the option of not thinking about what actually needs doing and merely loading a few things in the dishwasher (for eg) because that's "his" job.

He needs to take more responsibility but possibly you could chill a bit about some stuff, the chairs for example don't seem that much of an issue. Although I can entirely see that on top of everything else they could be the last straw.

As the mother of several screamers: {{{{{{{HUGE HUGS}}}}}}} and a bottle of gin

Maybe he needs set jobs to do? dp claims he 'doesn't knoiw what needs doing' so we've eventually reached a somewhat manageable compromise by him having set jobs that are his to do which he seems to do without nagging (although there are issues.... my personal belief is that an area that has just been cleaned should look tidy too but he doesn't seem to understand this reasoning )

Dh and I nearly didn't get maried as we had this conversation/argument so often. In the end I realised that if I wanted to stay with him I had to accept him for what he is (a messy bugger!), so I lowered my standards and I got on with doing the bulk myself. We still have the odd argument about it when I can't take the mess anymore but nothing really changes. Striking will not work as he just doesn't see the mess so a bit more will not make any difference. The only thing that has made any difference is when our boys started saying no to doing things such as putting their empty wrappers in the bin saying it was mummy's job, it finally kicked in that he was setting a bad example to them and so has started doing stuff at the weekends. He is still really messy during the week but at least the kids see him helping at the weekend. Have you tried talking to him about the message it sends out to the kids, i.e. women should do it all men should do nothing and whether he is happy that they are learning that?

One of my ds's like yours cried and cried as a baby, he was allways miserable and fed every hour etc. we ended up with him on goats milk (which we got from the osteopath)and he had cranial osteopathy from 6 months untill about 10 months. He was different once child afterwards, it worked so well. So good luck with it.

There will be light at the end of the tunnel in a few months, in the meantime get a priority list and only do the things at the top of the list and maybe 1 every few days from further down the list. It doesn't matter if all the house work doesn't gets done or the house is messy, it will all still be there in a few years when you have more time on your hands.

Could dh take the kids out somewhen on Sat mornings to give you a break?

No, don't go on strike - its childish for one thing and will only make things worse.

I feel for you i really do, my DP works long hours but i do get frustrated because he does FUCK ALL housework - its only when i stopped to think about it that i realised, hang on a minute - you do fuck all housework. Trouble is, he DOES work bloody hard six days a week and then comes home and has to entertain DD, who for some reason is daddy's little princess, adores him and even follows him into the toilet, so hes not lazy. So, i had to suck that up.

Yes, if you could afford a cleaner or a mothers help, fantastic - but thats not an option for everyone, certainly not for us.

You say your HV is supportive, thats good - can you ask her about any local HOMESTART schemes? They are brilliant. They have volunteers who have been in the same situation as you - other mums who have had a hard time, or just other mums wno realise its bloody hard work being a mum. They know how relentless it can be, how isolating and lonely - you can have someone come to your house for a period of time, not sure if its more than an hour or so a week and help out - either hold the baby while you do some cleaning (which is actually better for you i think that cleaning for you) or just come and have a chat and listen to you vent for a bit.

Was this an issue between the two of you before the baby?

My dh seems to think the house is cleaned by a magic fairy, I do everything (but I am SAHM if I worked at all believe me he'd get a rude awakening).

Have you told him to do thimgs as and when needed, like 'can you bring all the dark clothes and put a wash on' or 'OI, pick up your stuff' (I do that one quite regularly).
He may then start to do more.

Stop talking to him about it, the more you ask him to help and the less he does will just create resentment, tell him what you want him to do (ask him, but tell him iyswim)
If he still doesn't do it, then you may need to look at why he is choosing to behave in this way.

I get dh to sort out ds (2.9 yrs, I have 9 and 8 yr olds too), play with him or put him to bed and then I can get on with doing stuff round the house.

I prefer that because I've been with him all day so it gives me a break, even though I'm doing chores, and dh much prefers to be playing with dc's than doing the hoovering.

have you tried saying "you are a selfish lazy fucker who treats the house like a hotel and me like a slave. I'm not your sodding mother and if you don't start cleaning up after yourself you can go and live in an actual hotel and never come back"...and then smack him round the head with a dirty grill pan?

Oh, and don't go on strike. He'll not notice or not care and will not start cleaning it.

You will have to live in a pig sty and it will send you round the bend.

And I know it's hard with a screaming baby, believe me I've been there.
But he'll get older very quickly and it will pass.

In the meantime, ignore the mess as much as possible and just do the basics and what absolutely needs to be done.
Sitting down with a coffee or a big glass of wine is much better and more necessary at the moment than running around cleaning a house that will never be clean

I love the saying 'Cleaning while the kids are growing, is like shovelling snow while it's still snowing'.

Who looks after your ds when you're at work?

Thanks all

I don't think we'd be able to stretch to a cleaner at the moment as we're rather skint, but maybe in the near future that will be an option.

Like one of you said, the chair thing by itself isn't a massive deal, but combined with others it's the last straw. And I think leaving things like that, and just assuming that I will put them back or do them, is a lack of respect for me. Every night he leaves his empty glasses and crisp packets in the living room. And of course I have to put the glasses in the kitchen and the packets in the bin the following day. When I say about it when he gets in from work, he denies leaving them there in the first place. If I try and discuss about having a rota, or ask him to do anything, he starts singing loudly.

We got our dog three years ago because he wanted a dog to take shooting with him. Before we got her, we agreed that I had enough to do with our two (DS obviously wasn't here then) children, and DH said he would take responsibility for her, wash her bedding etc. And does he take responsibility? Does he heck! He has left her bedding for months before, until I caved in and washed it. Her bed is in the corner of our kitchen, which is cream, and there is mud and marks all over the wall around her bed. He never washes her bowls, or even fills her water bowl up, that is all left to me. If he takes her for a walk, her lead is dumped on the floor in the middle of the hall as he gets in the door.

I am just fucked off with it all. I wanted better for myself in life than to end up as a cleaner and a skivvy.

yep - poo has it about spot on!

Undomestic, I look after DS as I work from home. Hence another reason why DH expects me to do everything, as I apparently don't do much work as I work from home.

LOL at Poo's post; that is a bloody good idea!

Alternatively, you can follow pooexplosions sage advice,

We agreed when we got married that dh would do his own ironing. The only time I iron anything for him is if he has an interview.

We had a bit of an issue about hanging the washing up - it normally gets hung in the bathroom last thing at night - we have a dehumidifier running so it dries in there. Anyway, one morning dh complained that I never hung his shirts up (I had left them for him to do). I suggested that I could swap so I just hung my tops up, that he took all the dry washing off the drier and sorted it out, and hung all the rest of my clothes, ds's clothes and his clothes up instead. I have not had any complaints since, and he occasionally hangs an entire load up himself, although he does still seem to think that the laundry fairy comes to sort everything out.

I'm lucky though - mine does cook. Although I did clean the top of the cooker not long ago and you could probably make a pizza with the ingredients on the top of it at the moment....

stop doing his washing and dont cook in the evenings - say ' oh i ate at lunch time i'm not hungry'
so he has to do it

I like poo's suggestion too... from your first post it sounded a bit like he might be the type of bloke who just "doesn't see" mess, but the singing thing is just totally disrespectful - just deliberately refusing to listen to you!

There are some things I would definitely stop doing for him right now. Washing for a start - of course you can't really strike from doing your/kids' washing, but you can certainly leave his things - even get a separate laundry basket for your stuff so you don't need to separate out his? And I would also be tempted to stop moving his mess from the living room and let it pile up until he notices. But ultimately you need to find some way of talking to him so he will listen (and act on it), as well - about the mess in general and also about his broken promises re the dog. It sounds like right now he is definitely creating more work than he saves you!

LOL@poo

Whatever Harpy
Was it a long recovery from the sense of humour bypass you had? Must still be on the waiting list to remove the pole from your arse though, huh?

he doesn't need counselling, he needs a wake up call that she is his wife and not his personal maid. This "aw, its just men, they don't get cleaning" is just insulting to all of us, first to the many men who clean their own shit up and more, and also to women who are apparently somehow designed to be cleaners and skivvies.

OP's husband needs a (quite obviously to anyone with half a brain) metaphorical kick up the arse.

kill him. up the insurance first.

Cos all men are the same and so are all women? Don't you hurt your neck doing such sweeping generalisations?

Paragon of morality? I don't know who you're thinking of but it isn't me. Seems you're the only one here who had a problem with what I said, want to shriek at everyone else or am i the lucky one being singled out?

Do get back to your housework, harpy, that floor won't mop itself. And its pretty clear your man won't be doing it either.

First off, you can stop doing his washing and ironing for him. His clothes are his responsibility and the washing machine and iron are not hard to use, so he can do his.

Perhaps you could present him with an invoice for what you do? If he can't pay for a cleaner, or won't help you himself, then he can pay you to do it.

My dh used to leave all his used glasses, cups etc in the sitting room and expect them to magically disappear, and reappear clean in the kitchen. I was lucky I guess. He had a big table/desk thing in there and that was where he would sit (with his back to me) with his friends, so all the dirty stuff would get left there. I had a little table, just big enough to take a cuppa and a book. He would pile up all the cups/glasses etc from his desk and dump it on to my tiny table! At first, I would ask him not to do that etc and take the lot out to the kitchen. Eventually though, I started moving it all back to his desk.

Does your dh have a 'space' which is 'his' where you can dump it all and seriously inconvenience him? Just keep doing it.

Or follow the advice of pooexplosions and HullyGully