To be at the end of my tether?

[Pushmeinthepool]

I am just at the end of my tether; I have 2 girls aged 10 and 5 and a 6 month old DS. DS screams and screams and screams. Constantly. He wakes 2 or 3 times every night for milk. My Hv has been very supportive and we have tried special milks in case he has a milk intolerance or allergy, we've tried reflux medicine. Both made no difference at all. Unless DS is being held, he screams. And screams. We are off for some cranial osteopathy this afternoon, to see if that helps.

My DH doesn't pull his weight as much in the house as I think he should. He works full time, I work part time, and I do most things in the house. He does do some things such as bath DS sometimes, or occasionally unload the dishwasher, but he just creates dirt and mess wherever he goes; the house gets so bad it needs cleaning from top to bottom every single day, which with a baby that won't stop crying is proving rather difficult.

Coats and shoes are left wherever he happens to be when he takes them off; at night he always ends up pulling the mattress cover off on his size of the bed and never puts it back in the morning; after tea he gets up from the table and leaves his chair out; any surface that is available gets his stuff crammed onto it; rather than put any washing on he will stand in the wash basket to cram the washing down rather than do any washing; I wash, dry, iron if necessary, and fold clothes and even then a pile will sit downstairs for weeks if I left it as he would never think to take it up. I do all food shopping, meal planning, cooking. he regularly makes himself bacon sandwiches and never cleans the grillpan, hence it is just sitting around for days.

Sorry about the long list. I do love him to bits but I need help round the house from him. I have cried, argued, shouted, begged, asked nicely, reasoned that I am sinking with housework and the crying baby but he doesn't do more.

Should I go on strike? My friend started striking a year ago and her house has gradually got into more and more of a shithole as I don't think her DH has noticed she's striking. Would striking work, do you think?

Because its an inane question, obviously.

If you look abovem you'll see that alomost every post after mine mentions my post positively. Its only yourself that has a problem with it, no-one else.

Don't you have anything better to do? And for the record, my nn refers to my sons chronic and debilitating digestive disorder. Want to have a laugh about that?

It's not everything but how much do you like having to look after the dog? It sounds like is is your husbands dog that you have ended up looking after rather than a beloved family dog.

Would threatening to sell the dog make him come to his senses? Or at least make him look after the dog properly?

But I guess you could only do it if you were prepared to go through with selling the dog!

If you were, you start by telling your dh that if you have to do x/y/z for dog (or whatever you decide you want him to do) then you are going to put a mark on the chart and when it's full you are going to put the 'For sale' notice in the local paper. A kind of reward chart in reverse .

And then you have to go through with it or you'll never get him to do anything. But maybe he could do good things to take away black marks - only so long as they were extra good things (ie washing the dog's bedding is one of his jobs anyway theoretically so it wouldn't count, tidying up the hall is an extra nice thing so that would).

Or for everything bad thing he does in the house is there something else that you could do that would have an impact on him, something he doesn't like that might make him sit up and take notice?

good luck - sounds like you'll need it!

You poor thing. You must be exhausted.

First of all, you need some sleep. When can you get some? Try to find some time for you. You know everything is more difficult to put up with when you're tired.

It doesn't sound as if tidying and cleaning are your DH's strengths or are ever likely to be. That shouldn't mean that they have to become yours though. As you say, who wants to end up as a skivvy - that's not what you signed up for. I would seriously consider getting a cleaner, if just to do his/his dog stuff. Are there financial savings you can make elsewhere that might enable this? Even if its just short term whilst the baby is restless and you are tired.

And btw lovelovelove undomesticated's quote re growing/snowing - so, so true, its all over in the blink of an eye.

PHONE HOMESTART . they can arrange for someone to come round and occupy/ feed/change the baby whilst you get some house work done / have a cup of tea/take a shower , its not ideal but it should help with the stress a bit.
its not fair that your left to do everything.
if you cant afford a cleaner how about paying a teenager( neice? nephew? friends teen?) £5-10 to help you out one afternoon a week .
Have you been ok otherwise? do you get time to yourself at all?.

Another vote here for a McTimoney chiropractor. My DS was just like yours. I tried reflux meds, colic meds and cranial osteopathy and they didn't work for us, though I know they do for others. 3 friends recommended the same McT lady to me and although I was sceptical I went along - I'm not kidding, it looked like she was barely touching him but he stopped crying, looked up at her and beamed and that night started sleeping through.

We've never looked back really. In fact I was so impressed I'm now in Year 2 of training to be one!! Anyway, it obviously won't work for everyone, depends what the cause is, but for us, honestly, it was amazing.

Oh, and your DH needs to be kicked into line!! Not on AT ALL.

Do you have someone to take the dog and all it's stuff for a day? When he comes in from work and notices dog gone, washing not done, last nights mess and dishes by his chair and no dinner for him maybe he will ask some questions. If he notices the dogs missing just tell him that you realised that you didn't have time before DS to look after the dog (as he had agreed) and since you are struggling now even just to keep on top of your own and the DC's part of the housework and that DH is obviously having trouble keeping on top of his part too that you'd decided it would be for the best to give the dog to someone who could take proper care of it.

Hopefully this will be enough to start a discussion. And if he starts singing at you then tell him that your one day of not cleaning up after him will continue until he realises that it is housework not pushmework

I can completely sympathise withyou re the dh. I have one like this and I feel like a skivvy too. I work pt and he works ft so he thinks I only work 4 hours a day. The reality is, I get up, clear away his breakfast things, fill dishwasher, washing machine and dryer, put things away, fight with 4dc and get them to school. Work for 4 to 5 hours (v physical job) mostly without a break so that i can get to pick up from school. Home, more washing, ironing, clean out and light fire, make beds, tidy up, hoover, homework, prepare meal (no ready meals here) and then he is home and I just want to sit down. The he starts, "What'll we do this evening?" I am knackered and there is still more to do but doeshe help?
He just doesn't realise how much I have to do in a day.
It's very simplistic to say go on strike. He is the sort of person who wouldn't notice and if you complain he can always find something to complain about that you haven't done yourself.

There are alot of things listed to try, but be aware that any of the tactics to get dh involved will probably back fire and cause more arguments. It seems he has made it perfectly clear that he has no intention of helping with the house work, so before you do anything you need to think about whether you want to risk the relationship because it may well come down to either accept him as he is or live with out him. Some poeple are messy some people are tidy, I don't think you can change that trait in someone, it's there from when little and never changes, you can fight it and try to be the other way but it takes a lot of effort.

What you can do is explore new ways he can help that do not involve housework such as taking the kids out for activities, taking them to get their shoes, clothes etc., taking them to parties, taking them to clubs, the food shop, diy jobs and much more.

My dh will never become house proud not matter how much I try, he does all the leaveing and dumping things that you describe and gets really grummpy if asked to move anything. After years of battling I have sidelined him into the other jobs that he can claim as his own. The thing with housework is most women want it done their way and to their standard (which is fair enough if you spend more time in the house) and so men end up feeling that they do not want to bother as it will not be good enough. If you get him to do the other stuff and let him get on with it his way his will feel like he is making a usefull contribution but still doing it which ever way he is comfortable with. Dh has only been doing the food shop for about a year now, I started asking him to get the odd bit on the way home for emergencies, then lunch boxes then treats after dinner, then bits for dinner and so on, now he goes most of the time and I only go occasionally. At first it was frustrating as there was a lot of nonsense bought and things missed off the list but he got better, and I got used to using different products.

With the exception of maybe weekend help I would give up with getting him to help with the housework it is just building resentment. There is a big difference between not helping with the housework and not helping at all. If he will not help with anything at all then that is a different matter and an ultimatum might be neseccary as he doesn't deserve to stay part of the family without pitching in.

TheShriekingHarpy: are you in fact a man?

Sometimes I find giving alternatives helps. for example:

Me: OK, the hoovering needs doing and the kitchen floor needs washing; which would you rather do?

MrSB: Hoovering

That said, mainly I do it all, but the giving alternatives theory works when you've go visitors coming or similar

I have nothing useful to say but saw the thread title and thought I should post.

PMSL at being called sexist by the harpy! Yup, inane just about covers it, dull, boring, silly and inane.

(BTW for future reference, you look sort of like a crazy stalker man when you pick on one poster for mentioning smacking with a grill pan, but fail to notice the post that said to kill him. You do, for example, look like a loon. And calling me sexist while excusing menfrom thinking about cleaning and suggesting counselling to the women he treats like a slave, makes everyone think that this is probably you)

lol tethersend.

I like the idea of giving options, I do that sometimes too.

Poo and Shrieky, any chance of you both being able to take this elsewhere so the thread can get back to supporting the OP?

psycho harpy, really. Stop hijacking threads, you don;t have to live up to your nickname so spectacularly. (Sprechen Sie mit mir verruckter Mann nicht!)

are you trying to insult someone by comparing them to Andrea Dworkin? Dworkin was an influential amazing woman. Or are you criticising her looks by posting her obituary? YABU.

OP, yanbu, obviously.

You really need to sit him down and explain how miserable his actions are making you. Please don't strike, you'll make yourself more upset than you are now

(((un-MN style hugs)))

(Has MN been issuing sense-of-humour bypassing free of charge today?)

Not really.

Welcome to Mumsnet Harpy. I see you've been drinking.