To be at the end of my tether?

[Pushmeinthepool]

I am just at the end of my tether; I have 2 girls aged 10 and 5 and a 6 month old DS. DS screams and screams and screams. Constantly. He wakes 2 or 3 times every night for milk. My Hv has been very supportive and we have tried special milks in case he has a milk intolerance or allergy, we've tried reflux medicine. Both made no difference at all. Unless DS is being held, he screams. And screams. We are off for some cranial osteopathy this afternoon, to see if that helps.

My DH doesn't pull his weight as much in the house as I think he should. He works full time, I work part time, and I do most things in the house. He does do some things such as bath DS sometimes, or occasionally unload the dishwasher, but he just creates dirt and mess wherever he goes; the house gets so bad it needs cleaning from top to bottom every single day, which with a baby that won't stop crying is proving rather difficult.

Coats and shoes are left wherever he happens to be when he takes them off; at night he always ends up pulling the mattress cover off on his size of the bed and never puts it back in the morning; after tea he gets up from the table and leaves his chair out; any surface that is available gets his stuff crammed onto it; rather than put any washing on he will stand in the wash basket to cram the washing down rather than do any washing; I wash, dry, iron if necessary, and fold clothes and even then a pile will sit downstairs for weeks if I left it as he would never think to take it up. I do all food shopping, meal planning, cooking. he regularly makes himself bacon sandwiches and never cleans the grillpan, hence it is just sitting around for days.

Sorry about the long list. I do love him to bits but I need help round the house from him. I have cried, argued, shouted, begged, asked nicely, reasoned that I am sinking with housework and the crying baby but he doesn't do more.

Should I go on strike? My friend started striking a year ago and her house has gradually got into more and more of a shithole as I don't think her DH has noticed she's striking. Would striking work, do you think?

You are very odd. Why are you asking?

Go and have your spat somewhere else would you?

Well, the CO went well yesterday and DS has been a lot more settled.

However, DH went to work early this morning, let the dog have the run of the house, and when we woke up the dog had done a wee on DD1's bed and a shit on her bedroom carpet.

So now I have all that to sort out today too. I just phoned DH at work and he just said "sorry", and I asked who was going to do the extra washing and that's all he said "Sorry", not "leave it and I will do it when i get home".

I am fed up with doing everything and fed up with looking after his dog! As if I don't have enough to do with 3 kids, make that 4 including him, to look after.

I could explode I'm so angry this morning!

Poor you. Men are so naff sometimes.

Get a priority list of what YOU AND THE KIDS can live with. I.e. clean bathroom, kitchen and living room, clean (probably not always ironed) clothes, and meals. Lower your standards though, you really can't have a sparkly clean house with 3 kids and a dog and a laxy hubbie!

A strike is petty, especially if you don't even tell him you are going on strike - so steer clear of that. BUT, when looking at the above list, there should be nothing there of his - i.e. he can wash his own clothes and iron them, take his own dog out for walks etc. That is not petty, that is showing him that you are doing the cleaning, and washing etc for 4 people, he would only be doing it for 1.

The other thing that might work - could be hit or miss, is for you to go away for the weekend (realise not easy with such a small baby, and breastfeeding). And write him a list of what you would normally do at the weekend. This has worked a bit with my DH when I go away with work. It gives a bit of insight into what needs done as a minimum.

You're not running a B&B and you are not setting a good example as a family for your children of how women should be treated.

Do you and the kids love the dog? Probably yes. But if you are really not that bothered, tell him that you are going to give it away as it is too much for you.

And the other thing you could do is restrict the dog to one room (preferably not one of the ones that you have on your bare minimum list!)

OP, in between the ridiculous mn point scoring you do seem to have had some good advice that I hope helps. I've been in a similar situation myself (except I was the one working full time while DH worked pt)

I found it helped to change MY attitude. I needed the house to be at least tidy so whatever I did I did for me and the kids. I stopped resenting DH for what he didn't do and accepted and embraced the fact he simply didn't see housework etc in the same way as me. I decided to take control of the situation and find ways to get things done rather than simmer about the fact DH didn't do things when and the way I wanted him to. Much less stress for me, less nagging for DH and ultimately a far more harmonious household. You can argue to the end of time that men are lazy gits, should be kicked into touch, shouldn't be allowed to get away with it, yadda yadda yadda. The reality is that many men do not regard housework and cleanliness in the same way women do.

I'm just going to download as many practical ideas as I can. Not going to get into the relative merits of each, see if they suit you and your family and use and discard at will

Make a daily list of everything that needs doing then look at it and look at it again, does every item really have to be done, does it have to be done as regularly as you think it does. What can you cut down on AT THE MOMENT while your time is so precious

Is a cleaner a possibility, even just a couple of hours a week could make the difference

Bathtimes - we do this together, he's in the bathroom with the kids playing while I use the time to put washing on, fold stuff n put it away, tidy bedrooms etc

Straight after bath - tidy round TOGETHER and make it a positive thing, when we've done this we can snuggle up and watch a dvd (or whatever floats yer boat)

Put tin foil in the bottom of the grill pan (problem solved re bacon butties)

If you want him to take washing upstairs, when he heads that way hand him the pile and say put this on the bed please. Same for any other jobs you want him to do.

If you have to, draw up a list of his n her responsibilities. I did but didn't show this to DH but asked him to do specific things at the time I wanted him to do them (no point asking an hour or a day ahead). Its a rare man who will say and outright no it you ask politely, reasonably and with no recriminations. Again incentivise, you do X while I do Y and then we can... This helped more than anything else I did and it amazed me how quickly things became routine and I could stop asking.

hth in some small way, these are the most difficult years while the kids are small and need you so much. It DOES get easier

pushme, I salute your optimism in having a recent third child with this man!

Show him the thread?

Put feathers in your hair and dance.

Yanbu

It would be a deal breaker for me
I would cook him a nice meal tonight, sit down together and say 'look dh we have a problem, I am not coping and I need you to help more round the house'
be very calm and if he starts getting all defensive and irate say 'i do not want an argument, I am no longer going to pick up your crisp packets and glasses every morning. If you love me you should respect me and not treat me like a skivvy'
if he kicks off, doesn't agree, doesn't change I would seriously think about kicking him out, you do not need a fourth child and that is how he is behaving

Thank you all so much for the fantastic advice, it's much appreciated.

LOL Cirrhosis, apart from the housework/home laziness issue he is fantastic in other ways, and it a great dad. I guess the replies that say maybe his standards are lower than mine, are right.

Re the dog issue; I do love the dog, but have to admit we only got her because DH wanted a dog. I would never have got a dog as we had one while I was growing up and I remember my mum found it a real bind cleaning up after it and taking it out etc. I didn't want the responsibility on top of the children, and he assured me she would be "his" dog. Like I said though, I do love her and can't just leave her with no water, or in a filty dirty bed.