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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider not going to my sister's wedding?

61 replies

PhDMum · 26/01/2010 10:33

I love my sister, and would love to see her tie the knot - but I just don't know if I have the energy for her wedding.

My reasons are as follows:

I will be 34 weeks pregnant by the time it comes around, and it is a 4hr drive from my home to the venue. My DH doesn't drive, so the transport will be down to me.

We have DD1 to think of. She will turn 2 the day after the wedding - so not only will we have to make her travel for hours in the car that weekend, but she will also end up not having a birthday this year. (Though I know she won't notice this herself, it doesn't stop me feeling guilty).

It is going to cost a fortune. The wedding is at 2pm, and we were planning to spend the night afterwards at the hotel where the reception is being held, thus driving home the next day. I have only just realised that because we can't book into our room until 1pm (actually unusually early for a hotel) there won't be enough time dump our stuff and get ready before the big event. This means we either a) arrive at the ceremony straight from a 4hr car journey with a toddler who is invariably carsick, or b) bite the bullet and pay for an extra night at the hotel to guarantee we can book in a bit earlier - doubling the cost of the whole venture.

I have nothing to wear, and look hideous whilst pregnant. I have tried ordering a couple of potential outfits online, but everything I try to order comes back 'out of stock'. I know it is her day, not mine, but I can't bear the thought of turning up and having so many people see me in such a state.

Am I just being incredibly selfish, or can I justify missing this event?

OP posts:
Nancy66 · 26/01/2010 10:35

You can't not go to your sister's wedding.

is there nobody you can leave DD with? that would make life easier.

mrsmharket · 26/01/2010 10:36

oh no sweetheart, am sorry i not very good with words today xxx

TootaLaFruit · 26/01/2010 10:36

I think you'd regret not going. All the reasons you mention are such a pain for a parent/pregnant woman, but in the grand scheme of RL none of them are a good enough reason to miss your own sister's wedding. You say yourself in your first sentence that you love her and want to see her married, so do.
She also may never forgive you.

misssurrey · 26/01/2010 10:37

A little UR.I think you're trying to look for excuses, I am exceedingly close to my sis so I couldn't miss her wedding for the world, if you really wanted to go you'd find a way, I guess. It's not a friend, it's your sister.

morningpaper · 26/01/2010 10:37

Personally I wouldn't even consider it! At that stage in pregnancy 4 hours driving would kill me

I would speak to her and explain all these things as well as pointing out that you might not want to be so far from home at that stage in your pregnancy - she might say "Oh but we've hired a cottage for you for the week!" but otherwise, she shoudl really understand

sheeplikessleep · 26/01/2010 10:39

The thought of it will be worse than the reality, which will be exciting and lovely.

sheeplikessleep · 26/01/2010 10:40

BUT, I'd definitely go up the day before, to avoid travelling on the day. I know it all costs, but this is a once in a lifetime.

twolittlemonkeys · 26/01/2010 10:40

YANBU to consider it but you would BU not to go. It's your sister's wedding, and as TootaLaFruit says in the grand scheme of things, whilst it may inconvenience you it's not a good enough reason to avoid going. I flew to Prague for a friend's wedding (with DH and DS1) when I was 34 weeks pg with DS2. To make it worthwhile we stayed for 4 nights. So glad I did and would make the same choice again.

thedollshouse · 26/01/2010 10:40

I can't imagine missing my sisters wedding.

Could you not book the hotel for the night before the wedding so that you are not so frazzled the next day?

StealthPolarBear · 26/01/2010 10:42

is anyone else (parents/siuster) staying the night before so you can use their room to change?

Linnet · 26/01/2010 10:42

I don't think you're being selfish at all.

Practically all the reasons you list are the same reasons I had for not attending my own sisters wedding when I was 36 weeks.

I apologised and explained and she was fine about it. Just speak to your sister about it I'm sure she'll be fine.

largeginandtonic · 26/01/2010 10:42

You need to go.

You will feel bad if you don't go and she will be upset.

I didn't go to my brother's wedding last year. My dh was away at sea and i would have had to drive for 5-6 hrs with all 7 dc then turn around and drive back in the same day as no hotel will put you up with 7 children in 1 room.

They are all under 11.

I felt horrible. I still feel horrible about it. I should have just done it.

morningpaper · 26/01/2010 10:44

I didn't go to my siblings's wedding

It was all fine and everyone understood

ErikaMaye · 26/01/2010 10:45

I reckon you're being totally reasonable. Its upsetting, but understandable. However, if you decide you do want to go I have two maternity outfits here which you're welcome to borrow / buy cheap if you'd like - am just going to put them on beansprog anyway.

Being that heavily pregnant, I can't imagine doing a four hour journey, for anyone or anything, regardless of how much I loved them. Have you spoken to your sister about it?

compo · 26/01/2010 10:45

yabu

sorry but I travelled three hours at 36 weeks pregant to see my sister's newborn

go on the train if you don't want to drive

your family will make afuss of your dd for her birthday

BigTillyMint · 26/01/2010 10:45

YABU - it is your sisters special day. Sne will not understand if you don't go, she will be gutted.

My BF was heavily pregnant when I got married and she travelled 200 miles for my hen night (by train) and the same again for my wedding (she drove as she doesn't trust her DH's driving!). She got a friends mum to make her a dress as she was enormous (think pregnan with quads). And she did a fab speech and partied all night.

I would have done the same for her.

Try and find ways to sort the problems, it will be worth it

DaftApeth · 26/01/2010 10:45

I think you should wait to see how you are feeling nearer the time. You would probably regret not being there.

Could you take the train?

Could you drive 3/4 of the way the day before and stay somewhere cheap and cheerful overnight?

Many hotels let you book in early, even if the room is not ready. I'm sure you could negotiate with the wedding hotel to do this. Or make use of another room that someone else has who is staying 2 nights.

Your dd could have a birthday party the following week. She will not know the difference. My dcs have rarely had parties on the actual day.

Just repeat to yourself ''everyone is looking at the bride, not me''. Do any of your friends have something you could borrow. Or maybe try the style pages for some inspiration from here.

emsyj · 26/01/2010 10:46

I would be gutted if my sister didn't come to my wedding. Did she book the day before she knew you were pregnant? I wouldn't book a wedding knowing that my sister would be 34 weeks pregnant on the day, but most weddings are booked so far in advance I am assuming you weren't pregnant yet by the time it was booked.

Sorry but even though it will be a pain in the ass, YABU if you don't go. A friend I would forgive no problem if she didn't come - wouldn't even think twice about it. But a sister is different. I would be devastated if I was your sister and you didn't come. Is there someone you can stay with to save expense? We had a house choc-full of guests the night before our wedding so that people didn't have to pay for 2 nights' accommodation - and lots of people stayed with other friends of ours nearby on our wedding night to give us a bit of time on our own - yes, even though they hadn't met before! (I have a few very accommodating friends).

Find a way around it and go.

compo · 26/01/2010 10:46

unless you have complications pregnancy is not a sickness

sorry to sound harsh but I worked full time until I was 38 weeks pregnant

morningpaper · 26/01/2010 10:48

I worked until I was 41 weeks pregnant driving one hour to work every day

But I still wouldn't go to a wedding massively pregnant, with a toddler, involving a 4-hour drive and hundreds of pounds of expense

compo · 26/01/2010 10:50

why????

not even for your sister?!

I just don't get it, 4 hours isn't that long a drive

you can break the jounrey up, stop at a park, stop for dinner

compo · 26/01/2010 10:51

and it doesn't have to cost £££ of pounds either!

Nancy66 · 26/01/2010 10:51

why is a 4 hour drive that big a deal? Make a couple of stops en route - will be fine.

As for the toddler - her husband will be there. She's not alone.

sima74 · 26/01/2010 10:52

all of the things you just mentioned are things that can be worked around. I would never ever want to miss my sisters big day and you never know if there are other children there your 2 yr old may end up enjoying it. one word. go

chocolaterabbit · 26/01/2010 10:53

I think your being a bit UR and although most of them seem like good reasons, they won't necessarily bve good enough to stop you regretting it later.

Can you take a bit of extra time away and go for longer? I know the hotel will be expensive but could you get a cottage somewhere nearby for a few days to cut down on travelling on the day.
Otherwise, could you travel with another family member (like your mum or something) to cut down on the driving?

Realistically, you won't be drinking much so you could reckon to drive somewhere after the main bit of the reception. Also gives you an excuse to leave earlyish if you're knackered / toddler meltdown etc.

I'm sure someone on the style and beauty boards would be able to come up with a fab outfit.

If it still all seems insurmoutable, talk to your sister who I'm sure will understand. My sister left my wedding early to go and see a band and we're still very close. I hardly ever mention it now