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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider not going to my sister's wedding?

61 replies

PhDMum · 26/01/2010 10:33

I love my sister, and would love to see her tie the knot - but I just don't know if I have the energy for her wedding.

My reasons are as follows:

I will be 34 weeks pregnant by the time it comes around, and it is a 4hr drive from my home to the venue. My DH doesn't drive, so the transport will be down to me.

We have DD1 to think of. She will turn 2 the day after the wedding - so not only will we have to make her travel for hours in the car that weekend, but she will also end up not having a birthday this year. (Though I know she won't notice this herself, it doesn't stop me feeling guilty).

It is going to cost a fortune. The wedding is at 2pm, and we were planning to spend the night afterwards at the hotel where the reception is being held, thus driving home the next day. I have only just realised that because we can't book into our room until 1pm (actually unusually early for a hotel) there won't be enough time dump our stuff and get ready before the big event. This means we either a) arrive at the ceremony straight from a 4hr car journey with a toddler who is invariably carsick, or b) bite the bullet and pay for an extra night at the hotel to guarantee we can book in a bit earlier - doubling the cost of the whole venture.

I have nothing to wear, and look hideous whilst pregnant. I have tried ordering a couple of potential outfits online, but everything I try to order comes back 'out of stock'. I know it is her day, not mine, but I can't bear the thought of turning up and having so many people see me in such a state.

Am I just being incredibly selfish, or can I justify missing this event?

OP posts:

thehairybabysmum · 26/01/2010 10:54

Sorry to be harsh but you are being a bit wet (as well as selfish), how would you feel if the boot was on the other foot.

4 hrs in a car is fine.....set off early, 2 hrs, then break then last 2 hrs.

Im sure if you ring the hotel they will be able to either (a) ensure your room is ready early given the circumstance or (b) provide a changing room for wedding guests...this is actually pretty standard practice for hotels where weddings are held so i cant see why it would be an issue.

re your dd's birthday....why will she not have a birthday just because you are at a wedding?? Lots of relatives means even more of a fuss over her. re birthday party, easy to arrange for the following weekend if you want to have one.

At 34 weeks you will not be feeling your best maybe but thats the way it is for most of us. re outfit...have a look in dotty P's or similar. I wore white trousers and a bright pink top to a wedding...i felt like the back of a bus but deveryone said i look nice. What size are you....i also have a lovely Forme dress that i would sell for a small amount if you want something dressier. it is size 14 if thats any good.

Anyway sorry this sounds harsh but basically go to the wedding you (and your daughter) will actually have a great time!!

pooexplosions · 26/01/2010 11:00

We didn't go to DH's brothers wedding and they didn't go to ours, due to pregnancies and births et al.
Its only a wedding. It will be dull anyway, and a big spend and a lot of hassle. I wouldn't go.

Original poster

PhDMum · 26/01/2010 11:03

Wow - so many responses so quickly. On balance it seems that people think I should go- but the advice about waiting until closer to the time is probably what I'll take most to heart.

Unfortunately the area for the wedding venue is vile, so any hope of making it a nice extended break at a hotel not too far away is not an option.

No-one else is staying two nights - we are the only ones who live so far away. I could stay with my mum, who lives quite close. Unfortunately she has a re-homed alsatian that has the habit of attacking small children, and I'm just not prepared to risk it.

The hotel have been really unhelpful, and can offer nothing more than their standard 1pm check in. I think that if I do go, I'll have to pay the money and book the extra night.

Thank you so much to everyone who has offered outfits/suggestions. I think I'm maybe a bit oversensitive at the moment as my DH asked me last night if it was 'normal to get so much bigger with a second child'

OP posts:

compo · 26/01/2010 11:03

I didn't find my family's weddings dull

those of you were more than one child can you imagine them not being at each other's wedding?

what wold you feel like as a paent if one of your children didn't go to an immediate family wedding?

pooexplosion - didn't your dh want to go to his brother's wedding?

UndomesticHousewife · 26/01/2010 11:04

You don't want to go now because you're feeling tired and the thought of the whole thing makes you even more tired!

BUt you will regret it later, the things you have mentioned would be enough to make me not go to a friends wedding (maybe, because it'd still be awful to not go to my friends wedding) but if it were my sister's big day - I'd walk there if I needed to.

Once you're on your way you'll realise it's not as bad as you thought, and you'll have a fab time once you're there.

GO. And don't say anything to your sister about your reservations, she'll be gutted you're even thinking like that.

AandO · 26/01/2010 11:04

You should go.

Although it is a bit different I had to be a bridesmaid at my sisters wedding in the US three weeks after ds was born. I was really stressed about it and I know that when ds age 2 weeks kept on having passport photos with his eyes closed, head slightly to one side etc, none of which were accepted by the passport office, I nearly cried and thought I'd have to call my sister and tell her I couldn't make it. And although I looked like total crap, kept on leaking milk all over my bridesmaids dress, and even spent most of the evening sitting in the loo half naked breastfeeding ds (bridemaids dresses are unsurprisingly not made for breastfeeding in!) I'm still glad I made the effort and went. Plus, she would have never forgiven me if I didn't go....there had been several 'you had better not go past your due date comments made'!

OtterInaSkoda · 26/01/2010 11:05

I'm sure that if you talked to the hotel and explained your circumstances that they'd allow you to book in early - or that they'd find another room for your to get changed in and leave your stuff.

However, I'd suggest travelling up the night before and if you can't afford to stay two nights then leaving early evening. Get your toddler into her PJs before setting off so your dh can transfer her stright to bed when you get home.

Anyway, YANBU to worry but I do think you'd regret not going. Your dd will have a whale of a time. You could even ask the hotel (via your dsis) if they'll arrange a little birthday cake for her.

chocolaterabbit · 26/01/2010 11:06

You poor thing. Tell your DH it is absolutely normal to be bigger 2nd time round. I was the size of a small house by 15 weeks and of a large village by 30.

TiggyR · 26/01/2010 11:06

I totally understand why it all seems a bit much, but she's your sister! She will be so hurt if you don't go, and she might resent you forever for it.It's just not worth the risk. Put on a brave face and soldier on. You will enjoy it once you are there. Could you leave your 2 year old with a friend? That would lessen the hassle greatly.

Original poster

PhDMum · 26/01/2010 11:07

oh, I forgot to mention - because of my DH's preference/ lots of complicated family issues we opted for a '2 witness only' registry office do ourselves, and I didn't invite any of my family to our marriage. Everyone is different, but for me the whole thing was about our committment to each other. My sister was fine with that (the only one who had a fit was my Dad, and he has mostly gotten over it now). I suppose I'm not really a 'wedding' person...

OP posts:

posieparker · 26/01/2010 11:07

Can't you ask your sister if anyone is willing to accommodate you for the night?

thehairybabysmum · 26/01/2010 11:07

A quick knee to the nuts should sort your DH out

Being oversensitive and over-thinking things are standard symptoms of pregnancy if i remeber correctly! Hotel sounds pants...is there a different hotel nearby you could use instead??

HellBent · 26/01/2010 11:08

Maybe we can help out?

Where is the wedding happening so we can look for other accomodation? Could you get a lift from someone else? Are any of your family closer to the wedding that you could get ready at? What dress size are you? Do you have any shoes/bag/wrap stuff already?

My mum drove me and DS(5) and DD(2) 7 hours to Wick and DD is very car sick. We gave her joy riders and she slept most of the way, only sick once so was fine. Like you we could only afford to stay for the wedding and drove back home the same day! My mum is a star, but we regularly drove to Spain as kids with mum and dad taking turns driving for 24 hours straight!

I think you'll regret it if you don't.

GibbonInARibbon · 26/01/2010 11:11

I can't imagine not going to my brothers wedding. I do understand the thought of it may be daunting but I think you will regret not going. You're not being selfish btw, no unreasonable imo but I do think you should make the effot.

HellBent · 26/01/2010 11:11

When I started typing you hadn't replied! Sorry DH is being a twat, get your mum to lock dog outside and go a bit earlier and get ready there.

SerenityNowAKABleh · 26/01/2010 11:11

Couldn't you initially go to your DMs house and get ready there? She could shove the dog outside while you and your DH and DD are getting ready, then drive to the hotel and drop off all your stuff.

It does seem that you're finding reasons not to go, rather than finding solutions that could help you go

posieparker · 26/01/2010 11:12

Ask you Mum if you could pay for her dog to go into kennels for the weekend, cheaper than a hotel!

DorotheaPlenticlew · 26/01/2010 11:12

Some people are being too quick to assume that weddings are a huge big deal to all people to the same extent, which is simply not the case. It really depends on how much your sister will mind. People saying she will resent you forever are being presumptuous -- you simply don't know whether this is true or not. Some brides would be massively bothered, others not at all and wouldn't want to think of you struggling .

Could you perhaps go on your own, and leave the little one at home with your DH? Just wondering if that might make it simpler and cheaper, and be an acceptable compromise?

morningpaper · 26/01/2010 11:15

Agree with Dorothea - I find all this "special day" talk silly and the idea of spending huge sums on this sort of day rather than a nice family holiday is extravagant - so personally I would just tell my sister that I wouldn't be coming, wish her all the best, and not spend the next 6 months worrying about it

pooexplosions · 26/01/2010 11:20

compo he would have liked to, but it was abroad and was 10 days after our first child was born, so not really possible. They had already missed ours 5 years previous to that due to SIL being pregnant.
I just don't think that its a big deal really, but then I think marriages are more important than weddings which are often just a big expensive hassle.

Notquitegrownup · 26/01/2010 11:21

Just wanted to add a word or two of support. Your dsis doesn't realise yet what a huge undertaking this is. We do, and I'm sure the collective brains of MN can help out a little.

(By the way, with a large bulge and blooming in those last weeks, and a cute 2 y.o. daughter, you do realise that you will risk stealing the show, on the day, don't you?!)

Agree with others that splitting the journey might help. Could you drive up for 3 hours the night before, with your dd asleep in the car and then stop somewhere cheap en route and then potter on in for the final hour the next morning, stopping for an early lunch en route, and arriving fresh at the hotel at 1pm? (Dodgy areas don't always mean bad hotels. DH and I had our first romantic night away in a travel-lodge set behind a Macdonalds in Doncaster, en route to Scotland! It was a lovely little place, in the dark, which we still remember fondly!)

Best of luck. You are expecting the worst, which might be the best way to prepare - it has got to be better than you are expecting!!

diddl · 26/01/2010 11:25

Depending on where you are going you might find a B&B that´s suitable for staying the night before.

oranges · 26/01/2010 11:30

I personally wouldn't like to be 4 hours away from my hospital/midwife so close to my due date, to be honest.

OtterInaSkoda · 26/01/2010 11:32

The whole area can't be dreadful though, can it? Is there anywhere within an hour's (pref less) away that you could stay? We stayed once at a holiday park in a static caravan and it was brill - cheaper than a hotel but with tons to do.

lynniep · 26/01/2010 11:49

Its entirely up to you of course, but I'd say you should go.
34 weeks pregnant shouldnt be that bad, even for a four hour car journey (unless you have symptoms which make it so) Yes it will tire you, but can you stay in a hotel which isnt where the wedding is held the night before? A travelodge or something cheaper?

DD will not care when her birthday party is, if she has one. She doesnt know about dates so its not relevant.

I'm sure can find something to wear, even if its boring. I think you've given up too soon co s you feel grotty. I feel for you I really do, cos I felt like a disgusting blob for my last pregnancy (well I still do) but its her wedding! No-one will else will think that - they'll probably just constantly comment on how big you are - thats just what people do when you're pregnant

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