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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that it is not OK to sleep in same bed of an opposite sex of a person you don't know when you're in a committed relationship?

51 replies

WhatnotHot · 25/01/2010 10:04

OH doesn't live with me. He went out Sat night with friends. I'd asked him to text when he got home so I knew he was safe. Woke up Sun morning, text at %am to say he was in safe.
Sun I find out that he'd gone to his flat at 5am, text me, then decided to go to a 'party' as some of his mates where there. Thge party was at a girls house, that was a friend of a friend. I say what time did you go to sleep, he says when it got light. I say where did you sdleep, he says in bed with the girl that lived there and his mate, but he made sure he didn't sleep next to the girl.
Apparantly I should not be upset about that and should take a 'grown up approach' that it is possible for opp sex to sleep in the same bed without them getting up to anything. I think that if he had any respect for me (and half a brain cell) he would have realised I would not find this acceptable and would not have done it.
FWIW I don't believe that anything happened, but thats not the point.
So AIBU to be upset and hurt?

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatnotHot · 25/01/2010 10:07

5 AM not %am

OP posts:
Southwind · 25/01/2010 10:09

I dont think YABU, because you feel hurt and upset. Some people would not be bothered by this, some people are. At least he knows this now and hopefully wont do it again. Of course if he does then you can quite rightly string him up by the balls....

Original poster
WhatnotHot · 25/01/2010 10:12

Also the reason that I am upset is because he said he deliberately didn't sleep next to the girl-I assume so that I wouldn't be upset, but if he was aware that that may upset me then why not realise that the whole thing would upset me and just sleep on the couch?

OP posts:
Southwind · 25/01/2010 10:14

Because he has a penis I'm afraid

Southwind · 25/01/2010 10:15

OK, I will take that back, not all men are like that but MOST do not think like we do and I assume he was drunk etc....

bruxeur · 25/01/2010 10:17

Lol, yeah, men, eh? Cuh!

shakes head, rueful smile

Fuck's sake. An idiot's an idiot, male or female. Don't generalise, you look like a cretin.

bruxeur · 25/01/2010 10:17

x-post.

Implied partial apology sort-of accepted.

SolidGoldBrass · 25/01/2010 10:18

Well, maybe there wasn't anywhere else to sleep.
In my old flat, overnight guests had to share the double bed with me as there was literally no where else for them to be put. THat didn't mean I had to shag them - I usually offered a sleeping bag if shagging was definitely off the agenda.
Not easy to judge from your OP whether your man is a bit of a fanny rat who you don't trust, or whether you are the sort who sees Evil Other WOmen everywhere and would prefer him only to leave the house with a bucket on his head so he doesn't look at anyone.
Basically, his story sounds entirely reasonable to me - he slept in what was presumably the only available sleeping space and did his best to keep his distance from the other woman out of politeness. He also told you about it. It might be best to just get over it now.

StealthPolarBear · 25/01/2010 10:18

hmm I agree yanbu but it does sound as though he as incredily drunk and the bed was more tempting than the couch / floor. I don't know how I'd react as I wouldn't be that impressed by DH doing this anyway - don't you stop going to all night parties when you stop being a student?

Hullygully · 25/01/2010 10:19

Isn't that when it's most fun?

morningpaper · 25/01/2010 10:20

I think it is a bit odd if he doesn't live with you that you are asking for texts concerning when he got back from parties etc.

AMumInScotland · 25/01/2010 10:22

Sleeping is just sleeping. Beds with covers are better for sleeping than hard floors with no covers. His explanation sounds reasonable - neither he nor his mate seems to have been trying to get a leg over, neither does the girl, else they'd have found some arrangement where only 2 of them were in the bed.

KnivesForksSpoons · 25/01/2010 10:26

I was thinking the same as MP.

How strange. If someone wanted me ti text them when I got home, "so they knew I was home safely" I would have massive alarm bells ringing.

Original poster
WhatnotHot · 25/01/2010 10:26

MP-I asked for a text as the last time he went out he either got spiked or was so drunk he didn't remember, but he got robbed of his wallet, phone and necklace so I didn't want to be worrying all night/morning until I spoke to him when he woke up-not because I am a control freak or anything.

SGB-There was somewhere to sleep, the couch or even his own flat just a couple of minutes away. I do 98% trust him, but I know that he can get reckless stupid when he is drunk, and don't see evil other women everywhere lol, it's him I'm pissed off at, nobody else has made a commitment to me
As I said I don't feel hurt because I think he's cheated, just that he's not considered that it may be a bit of an issue.

SPB-I think he wants to live the life of a student tbh, at least sometimes-get it out of his system or something!

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatnotHot · 25/01/2010 10:27

KFS-Really? If your DH/OH wanted you to text to let him know you'd arrived somewhere safetly, you'd find it strange?

OP posts:
bruxeur · 25/01/2010 10:28

He wears a necklace, and sleeps next to other men by choice when there are women available?

I think you're worried about the wrong kind of fidelity, love.

burpsscratches balls

*tries to conform to Southwind's worldview

KnivesForksSpoons · 25/01/2010 10:29

If I go out with my mates, I certainly don't expect to have to let anyone know anything.

I'm a grown up, I don't have to report to anyone.

AMumInScotland · 25/01/2010 10:31

If it bothers you, then let him know it bothers you. But you have to be prepared for him to not understand or agree. If it's a massive problem for you, then he needs to know that so he can avoid it in future. But you can't have lots of things which you class as a "huge problem" in a relationship, as then you are being demanding and needy. So think carefully whether this one is such a biggie that it needs that level of pressure, or if you can trust him and let it slide.

If his behaviour overall gives you a problem - and if he's regularly getting so drunk he can't/won't make it home then that would worry me - then you need a talk about your priorities/lifestyles etc. But you risk him saying "I don't need all this hassle" and breaking up, if you are pushing him to change and he doesn't want to.

Fimblehobbs · 25/01/2010 10:36

I am clearly an old fart. I think YANBU and your OH sounds like a child.

Southwind · 25/01/2010 10:37

Dearest bruxeur (can i call you brux?)

I am so, so sorry for what I said, forgive me? But if you scratch you balls once more I will not be shaking on it

Morloth · 25/01/2010 10:39

How old is he? Surely you get past this stuff by about 24ish?

Hulababy · 25/01/2010 10:44

Me too Fimble. I don't think op is being unreasonable. Would not be happy if DH shared a bed with another woman, either nor or before we were married.

SolidGoldBrass · 25/01/2010 10:45

Look, I am 45 and still like to go to all night parties now and again. And I do wonder if this man is actually aware that the OP considers it a committed relationship, or whether she's just decided that it is without consulting him.
You do sound a bit clingy, OP. And you don;t actually have the right to tell him to stop socialising. He isn't a piece of property. You are not his boss.

bruxeur · 25/01/2010 10:47

Cheers Southwind. Lazy gender stereotyping diminishes us all, as some ditzy chick probably once said.

StealthPolarBear · 25/01/2010 10:48

Good point about the commited relationship SGB but yabu aout all night parties, what is wrong with having a good night's sleep?
Oh no, I have turned into my mum