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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that it is not OK to sleep in same bed of an opposite sex of a person you don't know when you're in a committed relationship?

51 replies

WhatnotHot · 25/01/2010 10:04

OH doesn't live with me. He went out Sat night with friends. I'd asked him to text when he got home so I knew he was safe. Woke up Sun morning, text at %am to say he was in safe.
Sun I find out that he'd gone to his flat at 5am, text me, then decided to go to a 'party' as some of his mates where there. Thge party was at a girls house, that was a friend of a friend. I say what time did you go to sleep, he says when it got light. I say where did you sdleep, he says in bed with the girl that lived there and his mate, but he made sure he didn't sleep next to the girl.
Apparantly I should not be upset about that and should take a 'grown up approach' that it is possible for opp sex to sleep in the same bed without them getting up to anything. I think that if he had any respect for me (and half a brain cell) he would have realised I would not find this acceptable and would not have done it.
FWIW I don't believe that anything happened, but thats not the point.
So AIBU to be upset and hurt?

OP posts:

Morloth · 25/01/2010 10:50

Oh I like all night parties, but as a grown up I then get in a cab and go home/make appropriate arrangements etc.

Dropped the "crashing wherever I happened to be" years ago, as have all the other adults I know.

It is a bit weird that he needs to check in.

Original poster

WhatnotHot · 25/01/2010 10:50

Morloth-He is 24, he's my toyboy by 4 years. He is usually quite mature for his age, and I do accept that their will be instances when he acts more immature than I would like.

AMuminScotland-I think it is quite an important issue to me, but also, he is (he says) more tolerant than I am with things like this, but then I wouldn't have done something like this as I wouldn't feel it was appropriate. I was hoping what happened last time would give him a bit of a shake, and he said he drank less on Sat night, but I don't think it will keep being that way until he has got being this age out of his system iyswim, and that could be years.

Bruxeur-LMAO-You may have a point, will keep a close eye on the way he engages with men in the future.

Thanks for all the input, will keep it in mind. Have to go out now.

OP posts:

Peachy · 25/01/2010 10:52

It's make me feel uncomfartable but how much so would depend upon my experience of the relationship as a whole. Some people earn suspicion,others do not-track record stands for a lot.

generally I wouldnt ask an OH tolet me know when they were home if wewerent living together (and wuld only ask DH tolet me know if I wasplanbning things- eg yesterday I didso I could pop tea on,Wednesday I didn't bother). However,that sort if thing is your stuff and he gets to choose if it is OK for him or not, thats part of the bargain we call a relationship I think.

So i think what you need is a great big talk- try and find a sahred set of values iof one exists. tell him you didn't like it,see how he repsonds.

wannaBe · 25/01/2010 10:56

Well, I might not like it but at least he told you it'd happened. He didn't have to - there's no way you would have found out...

And you do sound a bit clingy tbh.

Original poster

WhatnotHot · 25/01/2010 10:56

SGB-We've been together over 18 months, my daughter calls him Daddy(his choice, not pushing from my part) and we're planning on buying a house together, he defintaly has committed to me, I'm under no illusion.

Can't believe people think I sound clingy, I really don't believe that I am, but will have a think about it and see if I need to reassess my attitude.

I will just say that I really did only ask him to let me know he was safe so that I wasn't worrying, just the same as I would had I been out with a friend and we where walking/travelling in opp directions at the end of the night, just so that I knew they'd arrived home safetly.

OP posts:

Sassybeast · 25/01/2010 10:57

Blimey - how would you hav reacted if he hadn't told you the sleeping arrangements and you'd found out from someone else ? YABU - best parties used too be the ones when you just fell asleep in the comfiest looking available spot - bed over sofa any day. Ah memories

Original poster

WhatnotHot · 25/01/2010 10:58

SGB-Also I wouldn't dream of telling him to stop socialising, just prefer that he doesn't share a bed with another woman whilst doing so.

OP posts:

Original poster

WhatnotHot · 25/01/2010 11:03

Sassybeast-I haven't reacted by screaming and shouting, I can't help the way it has made me feel, which is why I'm asking HWYF to other people. If I had found out from anyone else then we would no longer be together because he would have lied to me as I asked him.

FWIW-the whole reason he went to the 'party' was because his mates where there, all his mates managed to get back to his flat, so he could have just joined them. It just doesn't sit right that there was only the 2 of them and the girl left at the 'party' and they all went to bed together.

But again, thanks for all the input.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 25/01/2010 11:03

Hmm. He is 24. That's an age where most people are still crash-where-you-drop at parties (as I say I and a lot of my friends still do it. Why shouldn't we? It's cheaper than cabs, nice to relive the night before over bacon butties in the morning and of course it means no drink-driving). ALso, you sound more like his mum than an equal partner, 'letting' him out to see his friends then fussing about whether he hashis vest on got home safely. ANd it;s daft to fuss over the fact that he was In The PResence of another woman when sleeping unless he's shown himself to be not very monogamous in the past.

Sassybeast · 25/01/2010 11:04

So he didn't lie to you, he was absolutely honest and he sounds like a sound bloke. You are upset and hurt and IMO you shouldn't be.

wannaBe · 25/01/2010 11:05

your daughter calls him daddy and it's his choice? there's something not quite right about that imo.

bruxeur · 25/01/2010 11:05

Christ, yes, burn the peedo.

StealthPolarBear · 25/01/2010 11:10

it does sound a bit like by day he's the commited family man, by night he's still the young and free party animal - not that i think he's cheating, but just living two separate lifestyles. Sorry if that's not it at all & this was his first night out in 3 years

wannaBe · 25/01/2010 11:12

oh fgs who said anything about paedoes. It just seems a bit wrong that someone would suggest someone else's child call him daddy (would think exactly the same if it were a gf wanting to be called mummy, esp as they don't live together. If he'd brought the child up from a baby and they'd lived together then i could see it but not given they don't live together.

Fwiw I have an aunt whose h insisted her kids called him Dad as soon as he moved in, going so far as to punish the one who refused. I know it caused a lot of resentment on their part...

bruxeur · 25/01/2010 11:21

Sorry wannaBe, it's just that sometimes when people want to imply something like that they use a phrase like "there's something not quite right about that" and a shocked face. And then see if anyone else jumps on the bandwagon. Of course, if they get called on it and no-one else has agreed, it's easy to backtrack and claim they were talking about something else.

Apologies if that's not what you were doing.

cumbria81 · 25/01/2010 11:29

I really wouldn't mind if DP did this but then he would probably be pissed off if I did, so I guess it depends on the person.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 25/01/2010 11:31

Really don't think it's a big deal. It was clearly a crashing-out situation and there was another guy in the bed. Wouldn't bother me at all.

thedollshouse · 25/01/2010 11:51

I suppose it depends on the type of relationship you have. I would not be happy and I think dh would would view it as grounds for divorce. Not sure how long you have been together but it sounds as if you haven't been together long enough to have established ground rules. I think it is quite different in the early days and I know lots of people who are really relaxed about this type of thing.

Original poster

WhatnotHot · 25/01/2010 11:58

Wannabe- what I meant was that I in no way pressured him into taking on the title. dd2 was only a few months old when we met, her sperm donor has never had no interest in her and never even bothered to meet her. As she started getting older, the issue arose and we discussed at length what part he was going to play in her life. As he essentially acts like her father-getting up in the night with her, dressing, bathing, feeding her etc we decided that even if we where to break up at any point he would and will still be her daddy. He does stay over, The reasons we don't yet live together are complex and we do intend to get a home together in the future. Dd1 does not call him daddy, she see's her own father regularly. Stealth-he's not been out for a while but does long hours and has been working hard with college work so he deserved a good night out, I think you're right about the 2 different lives type of thing, maybe i'm just jealous and want to be able to switch off when I go out!

OP posts:

itsmeolord · 25/01/2010 12:04

You've only been together 18 months, why is he deciding that your child should call him daddy?

Sorry, nothing to with the original op.

My dp has PR for dd, we have been together 6 years, she is nine, she has only really begun to call him dad in the last year or so. I just find it odd that you are happy with this when you aren't actually living together and have only been together a short time.
Its all very well saying that you are going to buy a house together, but until you actually do and you physically live together I find it hard to understand why you would want your child to call this boy man daddy.

In answer to the op; YABU. He is still at an age where he will do this sort of thing and it will be perfectly ok to him. If you don't like it steer away from toy boys.

As an aside, will you be happy with him going out and getting so blotto he loses his wallet etc and cannot remember a thing on a regular basis if when you have moved in together?

Original poster

WhatnotHot · 25/01/2010 12:29

Itsme-its actually nearly 2 years and that is th decision we made, rightly or wongly. I will never be happy about him getting so drunk that he loses everything. I did reply tother posts but my phone wont let me post properly.

OP posts:

mayorquimby · 25/01/2010 13:25

yabu it's the end of a party and he just wanted to crash out somewhere and did so by sharing a bed to sleep with a couple of other people. I honestly can't see the problem.

goodnightmoon · 25/01/2010 13:54

yanbu. How would he feel about the same in reverse?
my DH would certainly not be happy to hear i crashed out at a party with someone of the opposite sex anywhere near.
and if they're the only 3 people left, you have to wonder if someone was looking for a hook-up.

skidoodle · 25/01/2010 14:04

YABU

Three people crashed in the same bed after a party. He wasn't even next to the girl.

I never get invited to parties that end like that anymore

Morloth · 25/01/2010 14:20

Meh, sounds like standard early 20s partying stuff to me. I don't think you should expect him to change because you are a bit older and have a child.

I think you should either accept that he is still going to do stuff like this or drop him and look for someone more grown up.

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