AIBU at DP for puttng work first when DC1 is due in 10weeks?

[AnxiousBump]

to cut a long story short..aibu at DP he has just got some work come in a few massive jobs to be honest he is a builder and these jobs will take 8weeks each and our first is due at the start of April...
We hve been really tight for cash these past 6mths wit all his work drying up as he was self employed...and these jobs are through a local builders merchants and he will be sub contracting for them.
And basically the boss has told him that he will have to work 6days a week 10hours a day. And will not be offered the job unless he works constinuously which will mean when DC comes along he wont be around for the first weeks of his life...and i will have to do it all myself...im nervous and anxious as hell and was counting on his support? He also is saying he will need sleep and that if the baby wakes him i am to move to my mums for the time being? So he wont see his son at all...and doesnt seem to care all of a sudden? And there is no room at my mums we will have to slep on sofa?

He has already accepted the work before he even spoke to me...and i dont know what to think? Any advice welcome thank MNs x

Ok, to be honest I was going to say that yes, you were being unreasonable as surely you need to be able to provide for this baby and very lucky in current climate to be getting work in the building trade but then I read this

"He also is saying he will need sleep and that if the baby wakes him i am to move to my mums for the time being?"

and eh, no - your not. What planet is he living on?????

He accepted the work, because he wants to provide.

He sounds like a great guy.

It's worrying that he doesn't seem bothered about the fact he's going to essentially miss the first few weeks of his first child's life. Did you both want this baby?

Not so great to want to banish wife and child out of their home tho!!!

Maybe the enormity of having a new baby is hitting him - or rather - the fact his old carefree life without (teeny) dependents is about to disappear. And he sees this job as a way of escaping from it and carrying on 'as normal' whilst at the same time being able to say that he is getting paid and therefore providing for you thus he's doing his bit...

Not that this is a good or acceptable thing - sounds like there is lots more talking to be done, particularly if you don't want to go to your mum's. But doesn't sound like it is going to be particularly easy.

do you know if he will even be able to take off time to be with you at the birth or what will happen if you go into labour while he is at work?

hope that you manage to work something out...

Hi, I would say that from his point of view he might just be thinking that taking jobs is a huge priority given that the market conditions are possibly as bad for builders as they have been for 20 odd years and he is now having to provide for a family. It must feel like a huge responsibility... my DH has just said for me to tell you not to underestimate the feeling that he will have to "provide". DH says it is instinctive, if irrational at times,...

Honey I think that I would cut him a bit of slack... .

It was my experience that in the first few weeks of my first, in fact I rather liked some time without my truly wonderful husband around...just because I needed to get myself into a routine and work out what it was all about (clinics/health visitors/baby classes/washin/feeding/more washing etc).

Exactly what BarbieLovesKen said!!

6 days at 10 hours of physical work - i think it is fair to assume that he will be exhausted and that he won't be able to support you.
By suggesting for you to go to your mother's he has obviously given it some thoughts...
sorry to hear you are going through this but in this climate work is hard to come by and he wants to provide for his family
couldn't you mum come to you then? or a family member? is this your first dc?
(hugs - as you seem to need it )

It is not ideal that he accepted this work without talking to you first.
It is totally unreasonable of him to expect you and newborn to move out of your home and go and live on a sofa while he has your house to himself (?) if his sleep is that important he should be the one going to sleep on a sofa. But obviously with a new baby around you should all be spending the time you have together as a new family.
I would be asking him why he is so keen not to spend time together with the new baby.

Tough call.

It's not unreasonable for you to be worried and frightened by the position this is going to put you in but...

Is there a chance your hubby knows there are problems with him doing this but is so worried himself by the thought that he's going to fail at the first hurdle of fatherhood by not 'providing' for you and the baby that he's putting a brave face on a bad choice?

What I mean is: could he feel that this is his only option, and, rather than confessing that he hates the idea to you but that he's stuck for anything else, he's bottling up and the result is him getting snappy.

As for his insistence on sleep... again, I see both sides. He shouldn't be expecting to have a peaceful house with a newborn in it, but, if he's working sixty hours a week in construction, then it might be that he literally cannot afford to getting poor quality if rest night after night, without risking a potentially serious accident at work.

Maybe you and your hubby need to sit down and have areal talk about the future and how you're going to manage, because it sounds as though you're both worried and taking it out on each other rather than confessing the frustration you're feeling and pulling together.

"He also is saying he will need sleep and that if the baby wakes him i am to move to my mums for the time being? So he wont see his son at all...and doesnt seem to care all of a sudden? And there is no room at my mums we will have to slep on sofa?"

That is not reasonable whichever way you look at it.

Should have also added that it was my experience that DH did not suffer unduly from lac of sleep,...he slept throught the night feeds! Maybe your DH will be so tired he does the same.

Not advocating you go to your Mums though...!

Well I think yabu. You don't know and neither does he, how you will actually feel when the baby arrives. He undoubtedly feels prssure to provide and it's been very, very hard for builders of late. You will have this child together for the rest of your lives - there's an awful lot of time ahead for him and his son. As much as you feel you need support - well he needs support too. Contemplating working like this is hard going. I think you should do your utmost to make it work as well. Plenty of women have bugger all hands on support from husbands - I'm thinking particularly of forces wives - they get through and you can as well.

Forces there's no choice though.

OPs DH is actively choosing not to see his child for the first few weeks of life (at least).

OP is unreasonable for being upset about that?

I'm with ginnybag.

Talk to him about it when you're not all het up about this.

Fwiw I don't necessarily think any of this means he is in denial about a baby / doesn't want a baby etc etc. I just think that men find it a lot harder to grasp just what a monumental change it is. You have had several months of needing to adapt to pregancy and are therefore a lot further down the line of changing your life to accommodate the baby. He hasn't yet.

My dh couldn't be more hands on and helpful yet he was a bit like this before ds1 arrived. Things changed pretty quickly though!

I also think while on the face of it him being concerned with lack of sleep to the point of saying you might have to move out is not as unreasonable given that he works in construction than if he was doing an office job. In both his performance will be affected by being tired but in construction this could very well result in a serious (if not fatal) accident for either him or one of his colleagues.

Don't you think he is probably extremely stressed at knowing he has to provide for you and his new child when he has been struggling to find work for the last 6 months?

How do you know he isn't bothered about not being able to spend time with his new baby and isn't trying to stay calm for your benefit? How do you know he isn't covering up the fact that he's upset in order not to stress you out?

He'll be working to provide for you and the baby, please give him a break.

You aren't being unreasonable to be upset but I think in the current climate he needs to take work when he can - my DH is also self employed and immersed himself in work when DS was tiny - he didn't step up to the plate in the way that we both now wish he had done, but at the time he was coping with massive changes as best he could.

He was a very loving father though and our son was very much wanted, so I think it is unfair to assume the OP's husband may not have wanted their baby. DH is now very hands on. I agree with alicet about men taking time - for me by the time DS was born I had had nine months of pregnancy to get to know him, really, I was fully prepared whereas a baby often isn't "real" to the father until it actually turns up!

Depending on the size of your house/flat in principle his suggestion about staying with your mum isn't actually that unreasonable but slightly upsetting and perhaps not thought through - he will probably sleep just fine.

Oh dear, I can see why you are upset, totally, but I can also see where your DH is coming from.

I think the important bit is 'if' the baby wakes him, DH was never woken by the baby as he slept in the spare room or I slept in the nursery if they were kicking off, and he 'man sleeps'
Also he has no idea how he is going to feel after the baby is born, you have had months to bond wiht the baby and you are as well prepared as you can be for life with your newborn, but IME men truly don't get the whole 'father' thing until there is an actual baby in front of them.

He is trying to be immensely practical and I think you should just let it go for now and see if he wants a rethink after the baby is born. But if the baby wakes him up and means he might be dangerously overtired at work, then, considering his job, he will need to go and sleep elsewhere.

Your DH is probably seeing thingsin a very black and white way at the moment, but once DC arrives he won't want to let it go!

Can you put a single bed downstairs (am assuming you are in a house not a flat), so that DH can get a decent nights sleep down there?

That way you don't have to move out, and you can use the bed for baby (and yourself) in the daytime too as needed.

It is a tough position to be in, but I think your DH is trying to do his best for you from what you say. It will be tough for those first few weeks, but you will get used to it very quickly, and once the work is over (and you have the money!), you can enjoy some more quality time together.

So HIBU for wanting you to move out, but you will manage just fine at yours. Am assuming that your mum lives nearby, so could you ask her to come over to give you a hand in the day?

He isn't putting work first, he is putting providing for his family first.

I guess from your OP that this is a first baby for both of you. Neither of you have any idea what it will actually be like - the reality is probably that he will sleep through any noise the bay makes whilst you, as the mother, will wake at the slightest squeak.

Before having children, I was under the impression that they howled all night and (generally!) that's not the case. If they are loud, you take them out of the bedroom and downstairs if necessary. I would wake, feed and change the baby without anyone else being any the wiser (bar a withering look if anyone commented that the baby had slept really well

I wonder if it's a mother thing because the only person who noticed my babies waking up at my parents house was my mother

do you have a one bedroomed home? if not why can the go in the spare room to sleep or he gets to sleep on the sofa?

i understand your nervous but he needs to provide for his family this alone will be making him stressed he now has a good opportunity to provide and needs to take it

my dp was working away and working 18hr days right up until ds was born then he had to work away yes it is tiring but do not take this out on your dp i made the mistake of making him feel guilty for working and he broke down saying he couldn't win if he didnt work we couldn't live if he did work he3 was wrong and did i think he wanted to be away from his child etc i felt awful making it all about me

my mum was supportive and helped when she could but to be honest i coped and dp slept through any noise baby made

we just made sure when he was home he had quality time no matter how little but dont make him feel guilty for providing im sure he feels bad but iat this time you need to take work as not a lot about and with new baby his being a good provider

Presumably if he works for 9 of the 10 weeks then feels that he has to leave to be with you and the baby they would still have to pay him?

Sorry am tired can't entirely focus on the OP properly.

He could but technically they could sue him for the loss incurred by his breech of contract. I doubt they would actually do so but I wouldn't recommend it - word would go round that he was a man who took work on and left people in the lurch. Not clever when self employed.

I don't think either of you is BU - you are understandably anxious (hence your name!) about bringing a new person into the World and your DH is quite understandably anxious about making sure there's enough money to provide for you all.

I remember when DD was born DH had just started a new job which involved extensive international travel. She was born on the Thursday (thankfully when he was with me), we worked from home on the Friday and then on Sunday went off for 5 nights, arriving back late the following Friday. It was hell, but I coped. I didn't have much support at home - no close family near by and I didn't have any good friends locally at the time either. Tbh, I don't know what help DH would've been in those first few days - I was breast feeding and I was thankful (and jealous) that at least one of us was getting a decent night's sleep!

Perhaps the better suggestion from your DH would have been that he make alternative sleeping arrangements during that time, rather than you kipping on your Mum's sofa . Even if that's him sleeping in the spare room.

Good luck with it, you'll be fine. Just don't be too hard on him.