AIBU at DP for puttng work first when DC1 is due in 10weeks?

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to cut a long story short..aibu at DP he has just got some work come in a few massive jobs to be honest he is a builder and these jobs will take 8weeks each and our first is due at the start of April...
We hve been really tight for cash these past 6mths wit all his work drying up as he was self employed...and these jobs are through a local builders merchants and he will be sub contracting for them.
And basically the boss has told him that he will have to work 6days a week 10hours a day. And will not be offered the job unless he works constinuously which will mean when DC comes along he wont be around for the first weeks of his life...and i will have to do it all myself...im nervous and anxious as hell and was counting on his support? He also is saying he will need sleep and that if the baby wakes him i am to move to my mums for the time being? So he wont see his son at all...and doesnt seem to care all of a sudden? And there is no room at my mums we will have to slep on sofa?

He has already accepted the work before he even spoke to me...and i dont know what to think? Any advice welcome thank MNs x

Work -- I understand that it is really tough on you not to have him around for the first few weeks, but he may well be in a panic about being a good provider now he has a family.

"He also is saying he will need sleep and that if the baby wakes him i am to move to my mums for the time being" is significantly out of order, though. He doesn't get to just peremptorily decide that you and his newborn son move out like that. He could go and sleep on a mate's floor if being apart from you is so important to him and you don't have a spare room, rather than expecting you and a baby to sleep on a sofa while he occupies the house.

imso - no he isn't! He will see that baby, just not as much as the op thought would happen. Considering the dire state of the building economy I don't think he does have much choice actually. iF he does this job well he could be setting himself up with more jobs. The op's son needs a dad - which he has and he also needs a roof over his head, toys, food and parents not rowing about money.

If he´s worried about sleep shouldn´t he move out?

Do you have a spare room?

If he´s that tired he might not get too disturbed.

I bfed & baby was next to us in Moses basket so didn´t make much noise before attended to.

I think more disturbing was me getting out of bed to change babies nappy.

TBH, if we had been in different rooms, I don´t think husband would have been disturbed at all.

I'm with those who say HE should make alternative sleeping arrangements, if necessary.

I'm also with those who say that DH sleeps blissfully through night feeds.

completely agree with NL, don't bite off the hand that feeds you

I am going to say YABU. But I can understand why you are upset. He doesnt sound as though he has handled it the best way, and he should have discussed it with you first.

But - I think a lot of men go into 'provider' mode when they know a DC is arriving and I think that actually in his own way is trying to support you.

I dont want to tar all men with the same brush, but IME they are a bit lost when it comes to be very hands on in the early days. I had my mum around both times in the early weeks and that was far more help than if DH had been home. Especially with our first DC when both of us had no clue what to do!

There is plenty of time for your DP to 'bond' with the baby. Personally - I think men bond a lot more with DC's once those DC's become a little more independant/ interactive as opposed to non stop feeding/ pooing machines!

I can see both sides here - my DH is self employed and I know work HAS to come first (doesn't make it any easier to swallow though!), but equally he would never tell me to move out, so I can understand how harsh that must have sounded, and how much it must have upset you.

Let's just focus on the practicalities - has he never head of ear plugs?! I'm sure as a builder he'll have easy access to them (or he could wear his ear defenders to bed lol). If my DH needs to get some uninterrupted sleep he goes into the spare room, puts his ear plugs in and puts on his vibrating alarm clock, which is just a normal watch so he can also wear it during the day (widely available online - different prices depending on style, all do the same thing - tip: he should wear the watch with the face on the underside of his wrist, as it's a more sensitive area). You can also get alarm clocks that have a vibrating pad for under the pillow for less than £30 online. I usually set an alarm in our bedroom for 5 minutes after his, to make sure he actually gets up! If you don't have a spare room, you could always set up a temporary bed in the lounge (Argos do a range of self-inflating ones which are actually quite comfy!). If it were me, I admit I would have the spare bed instead of him - after 10 hours labour, he'll want his own bed. And if you do set it up in the living room, you can put the baby's cot right next to you (which will also help new mum nerves), you'll have the sofa to sit on for feeds instead of trying to perch on the end of your bed, and you'll also have easy access to the kitchen and the TV if you can't sleep - bonus!

HTH

I understand your upset, and I think you are not totally unreasonable, but neither is he. I dont think he is taking on this work with a light heart, under the circumstances. He IS going to be a new dad, yet he also has to provide for his family.

In some cultures women actually go and stay with their mums for the first month postpartum. It is a good thing. Nobody is going to understand and bear over with the new mums neurotic tendencies and hormonal imbalances like her own mum. Can your mum come and stay?

Just read the OP, at first, i was ready to jump in with a big fat YABU, he needs to work bla bla bla. That was until i read that he wants you to move you your mums!!

Is he MAD??? never mind that you are going to need all the help you can get, but you might actually get more help at your mums but that is is different story. I take it this is your first? That little baby will only be a new born baby once - those first few weeks are precious, so precious - WHY would he want to miss them.

Im sorry but you need to have a re think - i totally understand your situation, my DP is a builder too and to turn down work?? madness in this climate, but things ARE getting better. He just needs to be more confident and assertive. So, you are due in 10 weeks? The first contract is for 8? Well assuming that doesn't run over - they ALWAYS run over - that is going to be perfect timing. Then he can have two weeks or more off and do the second contract - if they don't like it, they can whistle for it.

Seriously, there is work out there, but it has to be chased - its being handed to your DH on a plate and he is very lucky, but their terms are not suitable for your family - eitehr the terms of the contract are changed or he doesn't do it.

Other alternatives - does he work single handedly? Does he have people working for him? My DP pretty much works alone but we get people in as we need them, can he not ask a friend to cover or just put an add in the job centre and pay someone for those few weeks - if he prices the job sufficiently he should easily be able to manage this and still make a bit of money whilst he is not physically there.

There are plenty of ways to make this work - i reckon he is just not ready for the massive impact this baby is going to have on him, he will be head over heals and he isnt going to WANT to go to work, believe me.

This needs sorting now.

I should also add that work comes first, because it HAS to, it is your livelyhood.

DH and I run our own company, and we have never had it easy when our babies have been born, unless you are earning heaps of money, there are some things you have to grin and bear! Like not being able to take maternity leave, but have nannies coming in when your baby is just a few weeks old because you have to crack on with work.

Compo - "completely agree with NL, don't bite off the hand that feeds you " are you mad too? Do you mean the hand that feeds her? her husbands, or the offer of work?

Yes the building trade is struggling, but there is work out there, if this contract isnt suitable, her dp needs to chase others, it looks like he can do one of the jobs - the other one can wait two weeks surely?? If the employers are being unreasonable about that, then i wouldn't work with them anyway - saying there are, God forbid, complications and the OP needs more care etc - then what? He WONT lose the contract, he just needs to be adamant that he has a family now - its a no brainer

compo and NL.

I suggested much earlier on that the DP should go and sleep somewhere else if that is what he needs to do, OP should not be made to move out of her home with new baby to sleep on sofa.

Firstly she will not be able to cosleep at all, something many women find a lifesaver in the early weeks.
Secondly she will not be able to feed lying down, something else BF women find a lifesaver.
Thirdly she will not have any of her "stuff" with her - she's not going to be able to pack up and transfer everything. So she's going to have to make do with whatever she can manage to transfer and not have all her "stuff" around her.
People assume her mum will help. No-one knows that. Her mum might stress her out or be a PITA. It's not something you can say one way or the other from the OP.
She's not going to have her own bed to lie in and snuggle her newborn - that's just shit. She will end up totally sleep deprived as she won't be able to sleep when the baby sleeps - as her bed will be in the main communal part of the house. Even if everyone gets up and goes to work they will probably need to get up as well with the others.

Her OH meanwhile sleeps in the nice big bed in his house and has all his stuff and everything is great. He will be seeing his child, well the OP says not at all, but in practice one day a week.
He has not said "if the baby keeps me awake we'll have to think what to do" but simply that she and her baby must move out.

Of course he has to work but the moving out is utterly unreasonable. Imagine the baby blues and trying to get to gripd with new child, maybe BF, with no bed and none of your things. It sounds bloody awful to me.

Don't bite the hand that feeds you? WTF have we reverted to victorian times? When on mat leave should women have to cowtow to their partners demands, no matter how ludicrous, as they are the one in paid employment? Bleeding heck.

Amongst other things, it is dangerous to sleep on a sofa with a baby.

I'm with everyone else; the timing of the work is one thing, the insistence that you move out is another, and totally out of order. Totally. What are you supposed to do, schlep all the nappies and clothes (they go through several outfits a day at that age!) and other gear to your Mum's, and live in her lounge room? Nope. No way. He is being utterly unreasonable on that score.

aww guys thank you for all your advice.. We had a chat today and he said that i will have to go to my mums if the baby wakes him as he will not be able to take any time off and ill have to ask my mum to be birth partner if he cannot make it. Mymum is still going through treatment for kidney and breast cancer and has a 9year old DD to look after and there is only a sofa for me...and if wouldnt be ideal for anyone in her flat to be woken either...my sis is 9 and brother 18 doing a levels... Originally DP wanted me and him to spend first week alone with baby and have no visitors as he insisted its such a special time...(its our first) but since this work has come up he just doesnt want to know... The baby wasnt planned but we both were so happy and now its just changed. Since he took the job yday lunchtime he hasnt spoken about anything else since....and thats also upsetting me..maybe its the hormones.. We are in small one bedroom flat and you can hear everything so going downstairs isnt an option and he says he is a light sleeper and cant sleep with earplugs in...so i need to ask my mum just incase? Surely a baby will cry in the night and then i will be temporarily kicked out with a newborn to my mums already overcrowded flat...and altho i understand about having to provide etc but wish he could have arranged a 1-2week break when DS arrives.and spoke to me first before deciding everything in his head for us all to follow... God i dont know what to say to him now...i feel really upset but also a cold hearted cow aswell...

maybe if he made it clear he will need a few days leave when the times comes it would have been ok...

But he is saying that he has told the boss he will do it...to make sure he gets the work and that i will have to deal with the consequences as he had to take it.

Its just the last 6mths i have bought everything for the baby cot. Mattress. Monitor. Clothes. Nappies. Sheets buggy etc . You get the idea out of the little bit of money i was getting each week and he hasnt bought anything (spends all the money he was getting on weed...another long story) and now its all important to get baby things...hmmm

I would be furious if DH told me that I would have to move out with our newborn DC so that he could get some sleep. Agree with the majority of posters that if anyone goes, it's him. 'Can't sleep with earplugs in' can be fixed by him getting used to it in the weeks before your DC arrives.

maybe if he made it clear he will need a few days leave when the times comes it would have been ok...

But he is saying that he has told the boss he will do it...to make sure he gets the work and that i will have to deal with the consequences as he had to take it.

Its just the last 6mths i have bought everything for the baby cot. Mattress. Monitor. Clothes. Nappies. Sheets buggy etc . You get the idea out of the little bit of money i was getting each week and he hasnt bought anything (spends all the money he was getting on weed...another long story) and now its all important to get baby things...hmmm

x-post

He is spending his money on illegal drugs when money is tight anyway? He needs a serious wake-up call.

i will suggest he will have to deal with his sleep problems as im not going anywhere and then see where that leads us...as there is almost no where for me to go...and if he complains when dc is here. He will have to make do i guess....

yeah he has been smoking weed since he was 12 and 'is not stopping now' hence the reason i have bought everything for baby so far as he spends half of his week budget on it...and i have given up arguing about it tbh...still cant even get him to stop smoking it in front room at night even tho it makes me sick...

Hence the reason i end up watching tv in bedroom from 6ish..most nights....

yeah he has been smoking weed since he was 12 and 'is not stopping now' hence the reason i have bought everything for baby so far as he spends half of his week budget on it...and i have given up arguing about it tbh...still cant even get him to stop smoking it in front room at night even tho it makes me sick...

Hence the reason i end up watching tv in bedroom from 6ish..most nights....

Of course he'll have to make do!

Sorry to sound harsh, but your DP is acting like a twat.

Not to take the work - I know exactly how hard these financial times are as my DP is self-employed and in the building trade. However, if he'd had the cheek to ask me to piss off to my mums because he needs the sleep, I'd have torn him a new one.

As many people have already mentioned, a lot of new dads sleep through the baby noise, so there may be no need for any alternate sleeping arrangements. If he is being disturbed though then he can bugger off somewhere else. Why should you and your new child have to make do with a sofa?

Oh my God, just read the post about the weed. Is he planning on continuing once your DC is here?

Sorry, your DP sounds really selfish. You need to have a really serious chat with him (preferably before baby arrives) and make sure he knows that it isn't acceptable to smoke drugs around the baby.

Mm it was maybe not totally unreasonable of him to take the job, it sounds like he could well have been feeling some "provider panic" and also may have had quite a lot of pressure put on him to accept and agree to the conditions.

BUT he is being very U about the sleep thing, and also about the total inflexibility! The thing that jumps out at me is what would you do if the birth ended up being complicated, for example if you end up with a section - in that case you will NEED someone capable around to help you with EVERYTHING for the first few weeks, and you would definitely not be OK sleeping on a sofa! But even after a straightforward birth, kipping on a sofa at your mum's with a newborn is not a reasonable thing for him to expect. And he was also very U not to discuss this all with you before accepting the job.

And as for spending all his money on weed, I am at that, especially as he might not have been so desperate for the work otherwise... Sounds like you need to do some more serious talking, and he needs to do some growing up.

that's what I was thiking. If he's going to be so precious about noise, he needs to find a sofa to sleep on.

You're going to have enough to deal with, with a new born.

He sounds liek he's flapping a bit, and not really knowing what to expect, and wants to provide, but he's really getting it a bit wrong isn't he.

Not to mention smoking when you're in the room.