AIBU at DP for puttng work first when DC1 is due in 10weeks?

[AnxiousBump]

to cut a long story short..aibu at DP he has just got some work come in a few massive jobs to be honest he is a builder and these jobs will take 8weeks each and our first is due at the start of April...
We hve been really tight for cash these past 6mths wit all his work drying up as he was self employed...and these jobs are through a local builders merchants and he will be sub contracting for them.
And basically the boss has told him that he will have to work 6days a week 10hours a day. And will not be offered the job unless he works constinuously which will mean when DC comes along he wont be around for the first weeks of his life...and i will have to do it all myself...im nervous and anxious as hell and was counting on his support? He also is saying he will need sleep and that if the baby wakes him i am to move to my mums for the time being? So he wont see his son at all...and doesnt seem to care all of a sudden? And there is no room at my mums we will have to slep on sofa?

He has already accepted the work before he even spoke to me...and i dont know what to think? Any advice welcome thank MNs x

"Its just the last 6mths i have bought everything for the baby cot. Mattress. Monitor. Clothes. Nappies. Sheets buggy etc . You get the idea out of the little bit of money i was getting each week and he hasnt bought anything (spends all the money he was getting on weed...another long story) and now its all important to get baby things...hmmm"

I take back everything I said previously. I was under the impression that he was a loving, caring, nervous new father to be, who knows how expensive a new baby will be and is just worrying about doing the best by his family. When it's obvious now that he's just an immature selfish deadbeat who has no interest in becoming a dad (apart from, of course, spending your child allowance on weed). Get out while you can. Your biggest worry at the moment should not be where you'll both sleep, trust me. A sofa would be a step up from your current arrangement.

sorry but if he had said - ok I have no work, no money and you will have to find a way of feeding and clothing the baby what would you do?

Work is terrible in the building trade and he is lucky to have some

Not what you want when your first baby arrives - yes you want it all perfect - but sorry you will have to suck it and see

As for sleep tell him to move to your mums and your mum move in and help you

actually he may well feel really left out... he has to work all the time and is knackered and doesn't get to see his first baby for the first few weeks

It may be though tht he doesn't have any work come the summer and gets lot of time with baby..? who knows

WRT to accepting the work your DP is not being unreasonable. After all, you need the money and he is putting your financial needs as a priority which I think is the correct thing to do. I was in a similar situation to you when my DD was born. My DH was off the day she was born and the day after (to bring us home from hospital as I gave birth during the night), then he was back at work 6 days a week working 14hrs a day. He was out of the house from 5am until 8pm Mon-Fri and 5am until 4pm on Saturday every week. I did everything for DD because I had to; she was breastfed so I did all the nightfeeds and, as I was already awake, I did the night changing too. That said, DH did do as much as possible with her during his day off and from 8-9pm every evening (so I could get the dinner on the table for us both and grab a shower).

YANBU at being confused by your DP's request to move to your mums as he will 'need his sleep'... He needs a bloody reality check! You will both be exhausted with a newborn and he needs to understand that, he will be tired, yes - but so will you! Also he will need to take an active involvement in baby's life on the day he is off and any other time in between. He is not working much more than many people do anyway. Whilst the work is physical and he will be tired, so are plenty of dads when they get home but they don't demand the house to themselves so they can sleep!?!

Hope you can resolve this issue and good luck.

Oh he sounds a complete and utter waste of space

Spending his money and time on smoking weed, and in front of his pregnant partner - oooh now that's attractive, not.

He needs an absolute knee in the nuts about the sleep thing. FFS - most parents/dads have work to get to in the morning and don't tell their partners to move out! He's being absolutely ridiculous. That's kind of the thing when you have a baby - it's a responsibility you have to deal with you can't just make it go away

I have to say personally I would not have had a baby with this man unless I had got agreement that the weed was out of the picture straight away. Maybe you have never given him the message that you don't like it and don't want it around your child.

I have to say, unfortunately, it really does sound as if he is trying to edge away from you and the baby. Staynig at your mums so as not to wake him - never heard anything so crap. And making your mum your birth partner. . Hope you manage to get more committment from him because I can't see this is a healthy relationship right now?

He needs to grow up. Fast.

Lots of builders have baby's and work 12 hour days. They get woken in the night and some do the feeds as well - even though they are in work the next day.

12 hour days and 6day weeks are normal at the moment - no-one can say no to the work because no-one knows when the next job is.

Oh and if he's a builder that means he gets a check each week? Time to hand it over to you to pay the bills and buy for the baby. (well he'll be too tired to go to the bank wont he? )

exactly nellie. He seems to think that going to work buys him out not only from fathering duties, but from even living under the same roof! It's staggeringly ridiculous. I am still in at this 'man'

And, oh my God, your mother is going through cancer treatment and has two schoolage children at home?

OP, you CANNOT sleep on a sofa with a newborn. I'm serious, that's incredibly dangerous. And you CANNOT go to your mother's, generally, that's totally out of line. You will need help and support, you will need understanding, you will need to be able to stay awake in the middle of the night and sleep during the day, you will be tender and probably bleeding and leaking and hormonal. It's a time when you want to have your walls around you, your own cosy nest, your things and your space.

He is being totally fucking selfish. I don't care if you love him, a man who is spending half his wage (HALF?) on weed, smoking in the flat with you, his pregnant partner, in the same space, hasn't bought anything or shared incomes with you, and now wants you to fuck off while he makes merry on his own. So he can sleep.

Oh, OP. This needs sorting. This is so far out of line I don't even have the words.

anxious you need to tell your OH that either he will be sleeping on your mums sofa (assuming that they get on reasonably well) or he needs to find another sofa to sleep on. Not confrontationally, just point out that you will be recovering from birth, you will need bedrest (you might not really but he doesn't need to know that!) and that it is a risk of infant death to have baby on sofa (again I guess baby would actually be in mnoses basket). You need to sit him down and explain things in a way that mean that no sane person could refuse.

You need to sort a birth partner do you have any friends who would do it, would your mum be able to (I know she is ill though) I'm sure 18yo could look after 9yo for a day if needs be.

Finally you need to tell him that he must stop smoking in the house. If he wants to smoke he must go outside. I would also question the amount he is spending on weed, if it really is half his salary that is a huge huge amount, way more than any normal smoker would consume (I used to go out with someone who smoked every night and had done since about 14, his friends were the same) and unless your OH is only earning about £50 a week that is excessive. Please point out to him that smoking in house with newborn is also hugely risky for the baby and he needs to do it outside. Do you know how much he is smoking a week in terms of ounces?

Just thought - is this the real reason he wants you to move out? He has seen / heard that smoking in house is v dangerous for baby and rather than go outside he wants you to go? So that he doesn't have to sacrifice his evenings sitting on the sofa smoking? Is that possible? It would make sense.

Also at him worrying about lack of sleep if he is consuming that amount of weed, that will be affecting his sleep anyway and presumably he isn't getting early nights...

Actually I'm not very up on the price of things my £50 was trying to say that unless he is on an incredibly low wage then he is smoking excessively if he is spending half his income on it.

oh anxious, there is a very obvious solution to your problem here - kick the bastard out. You don't need a twat like that in your childs life- i will assume the weed smoking wont stop when you have had the baby either? I thought he was a selfish twat yesterday but could understand his work worries - but no, he is a waste of space you are better off rid of him. You need stability when you have just had a baby - you aint going to get that with him.

I don't think i would want him anywhere near my child to be honest.

To balance LEMs POV for me a moderate weed habit would be the same as someone who liked to have a couple of glasses of wine in the evening, that per se is not a huge problem I don't think. IF he does it outside.

But the sheer quantity he's getting through (and teh money) and this idea that you move out are just terrible and I would agree with LEM that they do not sound like the actions of a man who is alert to his responsibilities.

Are you going to talk to him again?

not sure you can balance my argument with that ISNT - because i would agree with you, im not a big anti drugs person, i don't have a problem with cannibis per se, but from what the op says about her DH, that is just the tip of the iceberg with regards to his awful behaviour.

How old is he? You see, i am struggling to see him as a responsible man who runs his own business and is concerned to get the contract he has been offered.

I think I was trying to balance it in that you had said get rid of him and without knowing more about their relationship in general that may be a bit hasty!

hmmm, you think? OK I Shall rephrase it - based on what i have read, she should fuck him off!

I agree LEM! He sounds like a scumbag. And comparing smoking weed to having a couple of glasses of wine? Hmm, what a.... civilised comparison to make. Perhaps you could compare it to drinking half a bottle of white lightning, but it's hardly like drinking merlot with dinner.

Can I ask, was the pregnancy planned Anxious Bump? I'm asking because I'm trying to get my head around the way he's acting. It doesn't sound much like he wants to be a dad - he hasn't even bought anything for the baby yet, doesn't want to be your birth partner and wants you to move out if the baby cries. Hardly father of the year material.

Alcohol is a highly addictive mood altering drug, whether your tipple of choice is cider or merlot or vodka. Plenty of middle class alchys getting zonked on high alcohol content red wine every night. Merlot is lethal, for example.

My point is that this is a (possibly young?) person who we do not know, who is having troubel with her OH.

Whether he is a genuinely feckless wanker, or just an immature twat who needs a kick up the backside, we don't know. What we do know is that this is a person who will be giving birth in teh not too distant future, and (yes I know this is AIBU) simply saying "kick him out" "tell him to fuck off" is not necessarily the most helpful advice.

Better to at least try and sort it out/se if he will see sense/come round when the baby comes etc than saying that definitely absolutely just before the birth the OP should ditch her partner, probably lose her home and raise her baby by heerself. Seems a touch hasty.

Obviously if he does turn out to be a complete knob then the OP will need to consider her options.

Best talk to him first, though, eh.

The guy won't even try a pair of earplugs so that his partner and new baby can stay in their own home. I'd say he needs more than a kick up the backside.