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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be irritated by pal who swore she didn't care what sex her DB is,when obviously she did!

83 replies

Earplugs · 21/01/2010 22:20

Not hugely irritated but mildly .

Pal swore blind her and her DH didn't care about the sex of their 3rd child. They already have 2 DD.

When she told me she was expecting,I was (and still am!) thrilled for her but made the mistake of mentioning the baby's sex. I was almost verbally attacked by daring to suggest that they might be hoping for a boy and was told in no uncertain terms that the sex of their children wasn't of importance. I was actually a bit hurt by the way I was spoken to.

So fast forward a couple of months (never mentioning the sex again!) and after a scan, she has discovered she is expecting a boy and from their reaction you would think they had won the lottery.

Not a day goes by without an announcement on facebook declaring how 'shocked' and 'totally thrilled' they are at the wonderful news, and I'm getting a little sick of hearing about how she will manage buying blue baby clothes.

Since the news, she has also shared with me the details of how they were actually timing sex to increase chances of having a boy.

So AIBU wish that she'd just have admitted to wanting a boy in the first place?

And AIBVU to think that if you genuinly didn't mind about the sex, then you wouldn't be making such a fuss?

OP posts:

thesecondcoming · 22/01/2010 00:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lockets · 22/01/2010 00:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SpeedyGonzalez · 22/01/2010 00:41

Earplugs, what I mean is that I am astounded that this should really bother you at all. There must surely be better things to occupy your time and mental energy (my occupation this evening has been applying for work, as it happens!).

Knitting is an excellent substitute for fannying about over absolutely nothing. Try this as a first project. You'll find it so satisfying and, who knows? Your friend may commission you to make one for each of her much-loved kids!

sweetkitty · 22/01/2010 12:06

When I was pregnant with DD3 someone said to me "you will be praying for a boy then?" when I said "no we know it's a girl" she said "oh what a shame!" I was speechless. Also got a lot of "your poor DH" "you will need to keep going until you get your boy" I had a mc just before DD3 so was just delighted to be pregnant. I was actually standing with newborn DD3 who is utterly gorgeous and someone else said "oh another girl" all disappointed and then proceeded to tell me they were lucky to have had one of each.

I fully expected DB4 to be another DD we went into ttc#4 thinking a fourth baby not a boy. Part of me is sad I won't have my girl gang anymore, part of me excited a different one, human nature is funny. If anything DD3 being a girl made me even more protective of her.

I'm getting a lot of well dones and congratulations and how wonderfuls just now, I have done nothing different how can it be well done?

LucyEllensmadmummy · 22/01/2010 12:20

hully?

Heres my two pennith worth

When i was expecting DD1 i was desperate for a girl, i told everyone i wanted a boy because i didnt want the whole "oh and you wanted a girl" thing because i knew that whatever the baby was i would be thrilled. Again with DD2 i wanted a girl - i did tell DP and we were thrilled

My friend has four boys - she lost a little girl late in pregnancy - so well meaning idiots "friends" asking whether she wanted a girl would have been really nice for her to hear .

Best thing - keep ones gob shut, ask if they are going to find out what the sex is at the scan if you like, otherwise, zip it

Sassybeast · 22/01/2010 12:25

She probably secretly always wanted a boy but was too scared to admit it as then she'd have people telling her how unreasonable she was being and she should be darned glad she was having ababy at all

Give her a break -and don't comment to anyone about the sex of their unborn child and what they 'might' be wanting.

YABU.

MamaVoo · 22/01/2010 12:41

I would have thought that if you are a good enough friend for her to be discussing the timing of sex with you then she might have confided her wish for a boy. She probably really didn't mind either way though, in that she would have been just as delighted to be having another girl.

It's a touchy old subject on MN.

sweetkitty · 22/01/2010 13:11

Yes it is a touchy subject, I come from a family where it is mostly girls with a token boy thrown in each generation. Boys are prized and are seen as "better" than girls. I spent my childhood being inferior to my brother.

My own Mother is one of the worst culprits, she told me that all men want sons and that DP might leave me if I couldn't give him a son. On finding out DD2 was a DD she said "well I'm not that bothered you can always have a third" she never bothered asking what DD3 was, she hasn't really bothered with DD2 and 3. This is one of the many reasons I do not speak to her anymore, she probably does know about this baby but if she cannot be bothered with the girls there is no way she will be bothered with a boy IYSWIM. I hate favouritism in families and a lot of people have already said "oh spoiled boy" erm no treated the same as his sisters. One thing I am adamant about.

But you get what you are lucky enough to be given and you are very thankful for each one of them, I'm sure OPs friend feels the same too

namechange47 · 22/01/2010 13:44

Basically you are upset because (you think)your friend has not chosen to share a very deep personal thought with you and you are upset by this as you thought you were a close enough friend to be told. You need to get over this. It is really very little to do with you. I hope you can be delighted that your friend is so happy and forget everything else.

I have very strong feelings about the sex of the child I want. My first child was not that sex, they are over a year old and I still feel sad occasionally. Apart from my DH there is no-one I would want to tell, because, as others have said, it would feel like a betrayal of my DC who I love very very dearly. With a 3rd child those feelings could be much more intense. I know lots of people think it is wrong to want one sex rather than another. If only telling yourself it is wrong could make the feelings go away.

You have to accept that you alluding, even in a very roundabout way, to the sex of the child in the first conversation probably brought up huge feelings that she may have been trying to keep at bay for years and years, and were actually intensifying.

But please, drop it, forget it, be happy for her.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 22/01/2010 14:00

YABVU, it was very tactless to ask if they wanted a boy and what did you expect them to say 'oh yes, we'll not be happy with another girl'

Even if people are hoping for one sex or the other I'm of the opinion there is no way you can say that out loud. Once it's out there, you can't unsay it IYSWIM.

I speak as mum of 2 wonderful boys. I honestly never had strong opinions over the second being boy or girl but I had lots of comments from people 'you'll be wanting a girl then' second time round and it annoyed me massively.

curryfreak · 22/01/2010 14:45

Most people i know who have three children and the first two are the same sex(particularly if they are boys) want to have a different sex child to the first two.
No problem with people admitting that, although I think you should be grateful for what you're given.
They are plenty of people out there struggling to concieve, and dont have the luxury of trying for a boy/girl next time!
What I would find extremely tedious is the constant updating/pronouncemts on the pregnancy.
I have to say for the most part, I find pregnant women tediously self absorbed, and convinced that because you are a women, you are interested in every minute detail of their pregnancy!

diddl · 22/01/2010 16:05

OP YWBU to suggest that she would want a boy.

I wanted a boy first but didn´t tell anyone-apart from husband.

Told everyone "I don´t mind".

Isn´t that what most people tell everyone even if they do have a preference?

Why should she share such a personal thing with you?

thedollshouse · 22/01/2010 16:10

YABU. Of course she wasn't going to admit to you that she had a preference for a boy. You were probably about the 100th person that had asked her about her preference and she probably took it out on you. We have one ds and are expecting another although we haven't told anyone that we know the sex. I have lost count of the amount of people who have asked me what I am hoping for or said "Oh I bet you are hoping for a girl" it does grate on you after a while.

yomellamoHelly · 22/01/2010 16:10

We were the opposite. 2x dss then a dd. Wanted a 3rd because we did, not because we hoped for a girl and actually expected another boy and were looking forward to it and would have been well pissed off if anyone had asked that. But when we had scan we were both totally totally shocked and actually thrilled. Had not anticipated that feeling.

MumNWLondon · 22/01/2010 16:15

YABVU - she obviously wanted a boy BUT didn't want to admit it to herself or anyone else incase it was another girl. She was just protecting herself from being disappointed... fair enough.

You should have been more sensitive that to mention in in the first place after she had 2 DDs.

Get over it and don't be annoyed with her.

Morloth · 22/01/2010 16:18

Maybe she wasn't fussed then but is ultra excited now? Like circumstances changed and so did she?

Jamieandhismagictorch · 22/01/2010 16:19

So she lied (a bit).
For her own reasons.

It's nothing to do with you really. It's not a personal slight

MorrisZapp · 22/01/2010 16:53

YABU. What is the problem here? She did the traditional 'we don't care as long as it's healthy' routine and now is delighted with her new baby.

I've learned so much from MN, and one of them is never to ask an expectant mother anything at all about gender, siblings, timing etc etc. You just don't - they go mental.

thesecondcoming · 22/01/2010 16:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TiggyR · 22/01/2010 17:10

As the mother of three boys I can understand why she bit your head off. When I was pg with No 3 I got utterly sick of people saying 'Oh, I suppose you wanted to try for a girl did you?'

No, actually, the pg was a happy accident, no trying involved, and whilst a girl would have been nice in any of my 3 pregnancies, it was never a priority or a deeply held wish. Just a happy healthy baby was. But the thing is no-one believes you and they all give these smug irritating sceptical little looks when you say that, and there's a sense of schadenfreude among some people when you produce yet another boy, that goes with that stupid little sympathetic smile, with the head cocked coyly to one side, as if to say, 'Oh, dear! Never mind!' Whilst saying 'Congratulations', like you got the consolation prize. I had enough of that that after my DS2, so with DS3 I found out at the scan, and told eveyone so they'd all get used to it and actually be pleased to see him by the time he arrived. Can't bear to think of a lovely baby being anyone's booby prize.

SpeedyGonzalez · 25/01/2010 17:31

Rofl at the idea of any baby being a 'booby' prize - after 14 months of bfing, 'prize' was the last word that sprang to mind!

BalloonSlayer · 25/01/2010 17:36

Surely she didn't want anyone saying, to her DD3 should she have had one "Of course your Mum and Dad really wanted a boy." So she kept it quiet and had she had a girl would never have mentioned anything.

Good on her.

We can't help how we feel, and she was absolutley right not to let on.

heQet · 25/01/2010 17:43

I think it's one of those things that you should just put out of your mind because it really doesn't matter.

Say congrats. Buy some bootees.

TheOldestCat · 25/01/2010 17:46

thesecondcoming With you in not giving a hoot about your unborn child's gender. I couldn't care less despite so many people saying 'oh you MUST want a boy' (we have a DD).

Not with you on the football allegiance though - hope we trounce you on Wednesday night

princessparty · 25/01/2010 17:57

There is NO WAY i would ever tell people I hoped for one sex more than the other before I knew what it was.How is that child going to feel in years to come when some spitefil numpty lets it slip that mum told everyone she was hoping for a child of the opposite sex.
I thought that is how anyone with a modicum of commonsense and respect for their child would behave .So yes YABVVVVVU.

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