to think this is pretty bad?

[completelyconfusedagain]

Please settle this argument between me and my exh.

Been married for 5 years. Due to the deterioration of our marriage due to his constant drinking and general lack of commitment to me and our marriage our sex life tailed off to the point where we had sex twice in two and a half years.

In the early months of last year (2009) my h visited two high class prostitutes for a threesome and used cocaine with them. He believes that is not one of the worst things that could have been done in a marriage and certainly not the worst thing that has been seen on MN (he knows my committment to this forum!) He thinks I should manage to forgive this and move on as we have three dc and I should get over it and make the family work.

Ladies I know you will be honest so please let us have your honest opinions to settle this argument once and for all.

Yes, it's pretty bad (understatement). I'd leave him, not so much for the act itself, but for the attitude afterwards. Sounds like he has no respect for you whatsoever

I think his certainty that you should forgive him as it is not that bad is very concerning, and to be honest that attititude would have me considering our future together.

I am no so sure I could forive and get over it. TBH I think it would be a time of serius changes, and quite likely the end of our relationship.

Sorry, is he your h or exh?

My exh.

Yes it's bad.

And the argument that it's not as bad as some other things really is very crap indeed. Like saying 'it's ok that I beat him up as at least I didn't murder him like some people do!'

Somehow in that I missed what he is doing to make the family work. Has he stopped drinking? Is he showing committment?

If the answers are no or no then its a bit irrelevant whether you are willing to forgive and move on - he needs to prove himself first doesn't he?

He's your ex? I presume he's trying to get you to give it another go, is that right? TBH a cocaine fuelled threesome with hookers would be totally unforgiveable for me, regardless of the problems in my marriage.He doesn't sound particularly sorry about it either?

You got away, now keep away.

what he thinks is or isnt acceptable is no longer of any interest to you.

Would be a deal breaker for me, again lack of respect would be a big problem for me

If you're not longer a couple then I suppose it's up to him what he does in his spare time, as long as he's behaving civilly to you and providing for the children?

It's bad yes, and definately grounds for divorce. Presumably he didn't tell you at the time so lied and was deceiteful and broke your trust? That's bad enough in my books for divorce.

You know yourself if it is bad enough for you to leave him. Yeah theoretically someone else might forgive this, but that doesn't mean you have to.

Thank you all for your responses. I am going to show them to him.

Doesn't sounds like he was trying to make the family work. High class prostitutes and cocaine cost money, money that could have gone to your kids instead?

Stay away, you're better off keeping him as an ex.

Discussing it with him because it is a deal breaker for me and he is trying to get me to give the marriage another chance and this is the reason I cite for not doing so.

Did he do this while you were still together?

It is pretty bad. Nasty and sordid.

Lots of people can do stupid nasty stuff though, and then feel ashamned embarrassed remorseful, humans are flawed like that.

he doesn't sound terrible ashamed, embarrassed or remorseful though.

Yes we were still together.

Tell him to bugger off.

CCA-Do you want to get back with him?
OR is it just that life would be easier atm if you did get back with him?

If you are split what does it matter what he thinks? And yes, it is very very bad.

Does he think that you should forgive him, get back together and all live happily ever after ? Whilst he does what exactly to try and make amends for the breach of trust, the adultery, not to mention putting your health at risk by shagging hookers (however 'high class' he believes they are What a prat. You've made the break, now stay away.