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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be very shocked only 3% of unmarried parents stay together until child is 16!

671 replies

littlemoominmamma · 21/01/2010 08:02

3% is nothing!!! It is soooo sad. 1 out of every 3 couples have seperated before the child is 5yrs old

I am now glad that the tories are going to give married couples help.

OP posts:
marantha · 23/01/2010 13:42

lovelycoffee No system is perfect.

Original poster
littlemoominmamma · 23/01/2010 16:20

Lucyellen - "threw the baby out with the dishwater" ? - made me laugh out loud, maybe I have but this is still my thread.

I have been unexpectedly busy and unable to write the long answers that are needed so thought I would leave it to you lot as you seem to be having an interesting and sometimes inteligent conversation on your own.

I really do think that if you are going to have children marriage is the best option, however I cannot condem people who choose not to as I was part of an unmarried couple myself for a long time.

I do think children thrive when their parents are in a stable relationship, and being married provides a very stable environment for a child to be brought into.

I absolutly DO NOT think that there are loads of people in unhappy or abusive marriages who feel trapped (no more than in unhappy and abusive relationships who feel the same)

I did feel when I was pregnant with my first child with my husband that we should have married then, but did not want to ask him, so waited a good few years until he did ask me. Although I was happy in the relationship I did not feel secure until we were married. (Just being completely honest)

I will get flamed for this but ho-hum - I wonder if many women are coming across as sooo terribly anti-marriage just because they have never been asked?

OP posts:
lovelycoffee · 23/01/2010 17:18

Hmm littlemoominmamma that's quite a presumption...

Certainly not true in my case, I didn't meet my DP until I was 36 (was busy with career etc up until then)and prior to meeting DP four previous boyfriends (who I didn't live with) proposed. I settled down with DP when I was ready to settle down and we carefully discussed having children and are fully committed to each other. DP has asked me to marry him too, but largely because he thought that would be expected but its not something either of us feel is needed - we are happy as we are.

So no, cohabitants are not secretly yearning for a proposal (or quietly sneaking a peak at Bride magazine..) Perhaps you are envious of our relaxed and confident approach to life?

noddyholder · 23/01/2010 17:21

Agree LC not waiting here either although have been asked twice.In fact the thought of being asked and what that implies(to me) in terms of the power within a relationship is prob one of the reasons i don't like it.

campion · 23/01/2010 17:47

Some of them are, lovelycoffee. A thirtysomething member of my family who would like nothing better. Unfortunately her DP sees it otherwise so they are not married.

He did get rather huffy that he couldn't register his baby's birth without the mother being present, though

lovelycoffee · 23/01/2010 17:50

Well we are all different aren't we campion ? My point is that its illogical to make sweeping generalisations

daftpunk · 23/01/2010 18:20

If you're going to have children then you should get married, marriage gives children a sense of security and proves to them that their parents are committed to each other, and that you have basically made a bloody effort to do the right thing. Living together sends out all the wrong signals to children, probably why so many of them have a couldn't care less attitude......

if you're not going to have chidren......no problem.

GypsyMoth · 23/01/2010 18:26

i'm a lone parent to 5 children daftpunk.....do you think my children have a'couldn't care less attitude' or any other attitude,insecurity or whatever else??

are your children perfect then because you are married??

noddyholder · 23/01/2010 18:32

Yeah right DP the model parent .A fine example

upandrunning · 23/01/2010 18:35

A lot have a couldn't care less attitude Tiffany. I don't think dp was specifically referring to you. Don't you agree about the couldn't care less attitude? It's very hard not to.

noddyholder · 23/01/2010 18:37

Well according to the news the parents of those two boys who tortured the others were married as they referred to the father abusing his 'wife'.They were regularly high on cannabis too so it didn't work for them!

upandrunning · 23/01/2010 18:37

Still got your own bone going there Noddy.

Does this always have to be so personal? There's a demonstrable inability to think outside one's personal situation on this thread. Am I the only one to think my own experience has little relevance?

upandrunning · 23/01/2010 18:39

Well that proves it then Noddy You should join sgb in the Rose and Fred West corner.

noddyholder · 23/01/2010 18:39

I have always said that its up to the individual but I really do think a lot less people would marry if divorce wasn;t an option

noddyholder · 23/01/2010 18:41

It doesn't prove it but it weakens the argument somewhat.Its an individual thing but I have never seen any evidence that kids from either set up out do the other in any aspect of life.

lovelycoffee · 23/01/2010 18:44

What I am curious about is that none of the cohabitants on here (so far as I can tell) are saying "Don't get married, you will damage your kids" but somehow (at least some) of the married people feel its their place to pass judgement on those who cohabit? Must be quite windy up there on your pedestal

In the absence of reliable statistics all we can go on is our personal experience and those of us who seem to be cohabitants on this thread seem to have pretty positive ones.

noddyholder · 23/01/2010 18:45

LC it is always like that!

upandrunning · 23/01/2010 18:46

I really do think that's not true. But it does reveal something about the workings of your mind on this issue.

lovelycoffee · 23/01/2010 18:48
noddyholder · 23/01/2010 18:48

'the workings of your mind' fgs

lovelycoffee · 23/01/2010 18:49
upandrunning · 23/01/2010 18:50

Lovely coffee: remember Meita? Did you read that post? Just out of interest, did you agree with it? I lot of people who agree with you agreed with Meita also.

Well the following proves my case once and for all.

Every couple I know with children is happily married and has stayed together. I know a lot of people and a lot of them have been through very difficult times.

That just proves everything doesn't it? Or does it?

It proves nothing at all.

upandrunning · 23/01/2010 18:51

I'm right though: you just don't like me because you don't like that I'm right. Must be tough being a dullard.

noddyholder · 23/01/2010 18:51

Am off to have egg and bacon with my dp who may run out the door at any minute if i don't keep an eye on him and my darling ds born out of wedlock and slightly unstable

Original poster
littlemoominmamma · 23/01/2010 18:53

Lovely coffee - There has been a lot on here from co-habitants saying that women stay in abusive and unhappy marriages which damage their children, so I do think the sniping has been pretty much evenly spread.

You may now come down from your pedestal.

OP posts: