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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be very shocked only 3% of unmarried parents stay together until child is 16!

671 replies

littlemoominmamma · 21/01/2010 08:02

3% is nothing!!! It is soooo sad. 1 out of every 3 couples have seperated before the child is 5yrs old

I am now glad that the tories are going to give married couples help.

OP posts:
Tortington · 23/01/2010 12:15

i'd so drop dh if taylor hawkins fancied a shag

daftpunk · 23/01/2010 12:16

But I do understand that MN is quite a strange place when it comes to things like marriage....most people on here seem to live a strange bohemian life where anything goes...

LucyEllensmadmummy · 23/01/2010 12:17

daftpunk: most people on here seem to live a strange bohemian life where anything goes...

I wish!!!!

daftpunk · 23/01/2010 12:19

Shut up LEM....haven't I paid you enough money to keep quiet about the lesbian affair I'm having with an illegal immigrant...

marantha · 23/01/2010 12:21

*LucyEllens..."

I am almost afraid to say anything now for fear of being flamed but here goes.

If the woman in a married relationship becomes pregnant, her spouse can hardly say, "Why did you get pregnant? We're not in it for life!" because they both declared they ARE in it for life.

But, with cohabitation, the two people involved may have different perceptions of what the relationship means to them- one of them thinking it's serious, the other not.

So a cohabiting male may very well reasonably think: "Why did you get pregnant? We're not in it for life!"

LucyEllensmadmummy · 23/01/2010 12:22

you are having a lesbian affair with an illegal immigrant??? as well???? O-M-G!!!!

LucyEllensmadmummy · 23/01/2010 12:23

bollocks!! one would hope they would discuss it first, the same as the married couple - or do all women stop taking the pill as soon as they are married

marantha · 23/01/2010 12:26

One would hope they would discuss it first- but life is not that cut-and-dried as regards relationships.

I say "bollocks" to any idea that you may have that it is.

marantha · 23/01/2010 12:30

I mean if a married man complained that his wife had "trapped" him by getting pregnant I'd think he that he was nuts.
If a cohabiting man complained his partner had "trapped" him by getting pregnant, I would have to consider that he had a point.

noddyholder · 23/01/2010 12:31

A fair few married women get pregnant without discussing it and a lot of men jump ship when the first child arrives!Will try and look for teh stats as I think after the first child or last is most common for split.

upandrunning · 23/01/2010 12:31

One would hope. But then it seems extraordinary to me that so many women out of their teenage years get pregnant nowadays without the intention and commitment of shared parenthood. We don't live in the Victorian age. We all know what to do. We aren't stupid. We've all been brought up, I would hope, to be independent and take care of ourselves. It's not like they aren't putting condoms on bananas in school. Carelessness? Wishful thinking? Stupididity?

LucyEllensmadmummy · 23/01/2010 12:32

bangs head against desk - well, no, i suppose you are right - DD2 wasn't planned, but not once did DP ask "why did you get pregnant"

You still didnt answer my question as to why you opened this thread, there is already a yawntastically active thread with all the views expressed on here, expressed already

daftpunk · 23/01/2010 12:34

I would consider he has a point too marantha....which is why we have the 3% statistics....

LucyEllensmadmummy · 23/01/2010 12:36

you see - i give up, there are now TWO threads about this and i am even more confused - up and running, i was about to tell you to fuck off to your own thread

Don't think im stupid no, 35 years old, with doctorate, got pregnant by mistake

the reaction of DP wasnt to say "why did you get pregnant" in fact his was reaction was like "oh" then "oh, fuck" then "Coorrrrr, thats makes me horny lets do it" he actually said "im a man!!" bless him!!!! So yes, there was the OMGawd now what reaction from both of us, abortion was never a consideration for either of us - twas fate and i am now taking the result of my irresponsibility to the ball park - enjoy your weekend ladies

marantha · 23/01/2010 12:38

LucyEllens... this isn't my thread.

Why can't you just accept the simple idea that when ALL people marry they are consciously telling each other that they wish to be a couple forever, whereas cohabitees do not always do this and end up confused as to what the other wants in terms of longevity of the relationship?

My friend lived with her a partner for a year, her partner thought it was forever- she didn't.

daftpunk · 23/01/2010 12:38

where's the thread upandrunning has started..?

lovelycoffee · 23/01/2010 12:39

People lie to each other (directly or by ommission)in relationships whether they are married or not. Its not marriage that makes a difference. I know a married couple who didn't have children because the H said he didn't want them - W reluctantly accepted that because she loved him and was committed to him. In their mid 40's he left her and had a (planned)child with someone else. She was left without a child or a H.

People make bad decisions because they are blinded by their feelings or by lies from their partners. Or their partners/spouses may not understand their own feelings or level of commitment (hence high levels of relationship breakdown when children are under 5 or when a family has a disabled child)- we can't plan our lives in a picture perfect way - we can only do our best and for some that involves marriage and for others not. Having a child is the greatest commitment - I'd be amazed if many people (beyond teenage years) went ahead with that without discussion whether married or not but who knows? Cos this is relationships we are talking about, not a scientific formula

noddyholder · 23/01/2010 12:40

A lot of men are co erced into marriage by women who just aren't self confident enough to know they can keep him without getting him to sign on the dotted line.

marantha · 23/01/2010 12:44

lovelycoffee Yeah, but at least with marriage you at least START with the assumption that you're singing from the same hymn sheet when you say your vows.

LucyEllensmadmummy · 23/01/2010 12:44

oh stop it DP, this is her thread - well its littlemoomins but she threw the baby out with the dishwater.

no marantha, this isnt your thread, you started another more or less identical one and i thought i was on there!!

"Why can't you just accept the simple idea that when ALL people marry they are consciously telling each other that they wish to be a couple forever, whereas cohabitees do not always do this and end up confused as to what the other wants in terms of longevity of the relationship?

My friend lived with her a partner for a year, her partner thought it was forever- she didn't. "

If your statement was true then no one would get a divorce would they!

Also, if your friend and her partner didn't communicate their intentions towards each other when they set out, then thats hardly anyone elses affair.

daftpunk · 23/01/2010 12:47
LucyEllensmadmummy · 23/01/2010 12:49

me too DP, come here and kiss me!!

lovelycoffee · 23/01/2010 12:52

Marantha "Yeah, but at least with marriage you at least START with the assumption that you're singing from the same hymn sheet when you say your vows"

Not necesarily and I don't wish to be rude but that's a bit naive. You would hope it would be true but one only has to look at some marriages (and I'm going to refer to celebs here only cos their marriages are more public) but I think it would be not unreasonable to say that Paul McCartny and Heather Mills didn't seem to be "singing from the same hymn sheet" from day one, or Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall (she thought they were married, he knew that they were not!). People get married for all sorts of reasons - a 100% agreement from day one on all issues isn't often one of them

daftpunk · 23/01/2010 12:59
MmeBlueberry · 23/01/2010 13:12

I really don't buy into getting pregnant by accident. You shag, you get pregnant. It's as it has ever been.

An unplanned pregnancy in a casual relationship is surely worrying for society as a whole.

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