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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not want DP's friend to live with us ever again?

56 replies

TrippleBerryFairy · 20/01/2010 10:22

He is DP's friend from teenage years and he has lived with us for a year now, moving out soon and I am soooo counting the days. Last night DP mentioned that he might be back in few years time to which my reaction was 'if he's in, I'm out!'.

The reasons I don't ever want him back are numerous:
he is an alkoholic (and proud of how much he can drink!), he gets pissed every day with rare exceptions .

he never ever cleans his room - in the whole year he vacuum cleaned his room ONCE. He eats in his room and stashes empty beer and food cans there and it always stinks

His room is a complete mess - I actually never go in there cause I might just explode with rage if I do

He constantly walks around with a beer can - annoying and while I can ignore it I wouldn't like my son to be exposed to that in a few years time when he's older (am I being overprotective not wanting to have an alcoholic around my son?..)

He himself stinks, I had to tell him to wash himself more often recently.

I just want to be left alone, I avoid our living room because he comes down every 20 mins for a smoke outside and I have to engage in some meaningless conversation I am not interested in. I don't have the nerve to be mean so I just smile while my blood is boiling.

His drinking creeps me out when he walks around with blurry eyes and I just want to hide or run away.

To his defence I must add that he keeps himself to himself most of the time and stays in his room watching TV for ages. I can enjoy max 10 minutes of conversation with him when he's sober but that's about it. He doesn't get loud when drunk just annoying. Helps my DP to move heavy things in the house if needed. His rent money has helped us through difficult times.

But I just cannot stand his drinking. Just a thought of him comming back in a few years time makes me want to scream. How do I explain to DP nicely that I will move out or turn into fury if he comes back? DP btw, regards him as a 'family' as they've known each other for so long and his friend does not have any family. I think DP feels sorry for him but am I right in thinking that his friend should sort out his life on his own (he was btw kicked out from the last place he rented a room - I suspect the reasons were similar to mine and people just got fed up with him) and my DP doesn't owe him anything and should listen to when I say I do not want him back ever? I do feel sorry for his friend sometimes too but having an alcoholic in the house with small children seems bloody wrong to me.

Or am I being a selfish mean biatch?

OP posts:
lucyellensmumagain · 20/01/2010 10:28

You were both unreasonable to have an alcoholic in your house in the first place with young children I would have walked day one

expatinscotland · 20/01/2010 10:30

what lucyellensmum said.

do people really live like this and even know people like this?

i don't get it.

my husband doesn't even know people like that. nor do i.

i avoid steamers and junkies and drunks usually, not consort with them or let them live in my house with my kids.

parallel universe, i guess, but one i'm glad i don't live in.

groundhogs · 20/01/2010 10:32

YANBU, you have been a saint! DON'T feel guilty, don't be hood-winked into letting him back. stand firm.

How long till he goes?

TrippleBerryFairy · 20/01/2010 10:33

My DP let his friend to move in before I moved to his place so I had no say at that time. I didn't even know his friend then...

OP posts:
porcamiseria · 20/01/2010 10:33

i cant beleive DH subjected you to this man!!!!!!!! seriously!!!!! in no way are you a biatch

CocoK · 20/01/2010 10:35

YOU are DPs family, not his mate. You and your children's needs and wishes should always come first, and you have the right to feel comfortable and relaxed in your own home.
I think you have been tolerant beyond belief and that it's definitely time to get rid - for good.

I don't think this 'family member' sets a very good example for your children if he never cleans, never has a wash, and has a beer can permanently attached to his hand. Does he pay rent? If not, this is beyond a joke.

I'd make it very clear to DP how uncomfortable you have been and still are with his friend's behaviour, how tolerant you have been but that you are now completely fed up, and that you will not have him back unless he stops drinking, keeps himself and his room clean, and pays rent. That should render the possibility of him coming back almost zero, as he sounds like a basket case. It's your home - stand up for yourself!

groundhogs · 20/01/2010 10:36

When he's gone, take over his old room and make it really nice... kiddies play room, tv room, whatever. Make it so lovely DP will never want it to go back to being a spare bedroom...

Get rid of the bed your lodger slept in, bet it'd stink anyway... make it as difficult as possible EVER to put anyone up again...

TrippleBerryFairy · 20/01/2010 10:43

expat, people do live like this - think of an alcoholic who spends nearly all of his money on beer and doesn't care about anything else (cleanliness, clothes or else), that's what he is.
DP knows him from ages ago- it's the case of old friends one of whom never recovered from teenage binge drinking and sank while the other one (my DP) moved on and built a good life for himself. Parallel universe indeed! I was so ashamed in the autumn when I was doing gardening in our front garden (DP's friend was chatting to he while getting pissed with a can in his hand) and a neighbour came back home and said 'hi' to us. Need I give more reaons why I want him OUT.

Groundhogs, another 25 days...

OP posts:
Buda · 20/01/2010 10:43

YANBU.

BUT. It's a maybe. It's in a few years time. You may well have another child by then and not even have a spare room. I would just say "well hopefully he won't need to but we'll see". And in the meantime enjoy having the house to yourselves. If and when the subject comes up in the future you say that you are not happy having an alcoholic living with your child.

And maybe talk to your DP about his friend's drinking.

Buda · 20/01/2010 10:44

Oh - and get DP and his friend to clean the room before the friend moves out!

gtamom · 20/01/2010 10:45

YANBU! You have been great putting up with that. And your dh can be his friend and family without having him live there again.
It is time for the bird tio leave the nest!

To expatinscotland
What is a steamer btw? (Assuming you have nothing against vegetable steamers.)

groundhogs · 20/01/2010 10:48

Buda! Excellent suggestion! DP and the lodger clean it all up? Brilliant!

handbagqueen · 20/01/2010 10:50

My DP has a friend who is similar going from one disaster to another - all caused by drink and drugs and being an idiot. He lived with us for 3 months and after that I said enough was enough. He is going through another crisis at the mo and DP did half suggest he could come back for a while, but I put my foot down as I don't want him near my children. In the end DP did understand why and agreed that he is not the best influence for the children and said no to him.

I think perhaps you should sit your DP down and explain in simple terms why you can't live with him, or tell him he can come back, but all alcohol is banned from the house and he won't want to live with you.

TrippleBerryFairy · 20/01/2010 10:51

CocoK, he pays the rent and yes, I cannot feel comfortable in the house I am paying for becayse of him! It's gotten worse since I started maternity leave - I am at home seeing him getting drunk every single fucking day.

Over the weekend, DP took some rubbish to the dump (cause of the snow it hasn't been collected for ages) so his friends took some bags from his room too - filled with stinking mouldy food cans. DP got pissed off with him and called him stinking bastard and - imagine that - his friend had a nerve to get OFFENDED! DP has apparently offended his PRIDE!

OP posts:
minxofmancunia · 20/01/2010 10:53

YANBU for wanting him out, but YABU for putting up with this in the first place your dp is BVVVU for putting a child through this sort of exposure. It's really damaging for them, do adults just not get this??!

I hate hate hate full on drunkeness around dcs (I'm talking falling over incoherent slurry drunk here not just a bit tipsy few glasses of wine). Have seen it so many times at Weddings and Christenings, adults absolutely sloshed and dcs looking really tense, anxious and resigned makes me .

Get him out NOW this is a bad environment for your dc.

Georgimama · 20/01/2010 10:55

YANBU. Why on earth does your DP think you should have this man in your home? You're not running a doss house for the unfortunates he used to know in his wild days. This man is not his family. You are. You don't need to spell this out "nicely" to your DP, you need to tell him in no uncertain terms.

When he leaves, get the locks changed, and definitely turn what was his room into something else so you don't have a spare room for him to come back to.

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 20/01/2010 10:58

This is before having children but a close frind of mine moved i with me for a few months. She was sacked from job after job for turning up drunk or hungover, even got sacked for helping herself to wine when she worked in a pub.

She would have no money for rent, but come home with a bag clinking with bottles.

It took me ages to work up the courage to ask her to leave. I kept thinking/ hoping she would change. Never happened. She left owing me at least £3000 which I never saw a penny of.

We haven't spoken in years as a result of the sorry mess.

Do not let this man back in your house, for your own sanity, your DH's relationship with him, and of course for your children.

expatinscotland · 20/01/2010 11:00

Tell your DP you got a call from SS or that the kids' school called SS after one of the kids talked about him.

Ah, too bad, can't have your alkie mate live with us or social services will start meddling with the kids.

gorionine · 20/01/2010 11:04

YANBU! I consider myself reasonably generous and helpfull but would never agree to a situation like that. I could make the effort for a week or two max but a year and maybe more? Arround your Dcs!?!?

TrippleBerryFairy · 20/01/2010 11:08

Funny enough, my DP while regarding his friend as a 'family' tries to avoid him as much as he can. He cannot stand the pointless conversations with him and thinks him annoying too!

OP posts:
Georgimama · 20/01/2010 11:10

So really, your DP is sick of him too but his good nature means he feels sufficiently sorry for this bloke (and perhaps irrationally guilty that from a similar starting point his life has taken a different and much better direction) to let him take advantage. This is good because it means really, he doesn't want him there either.

TrippleBerryFairy · 20/01/2010 11:12

And when I'm in the living room with my DS and the lodger comer down he sometimes lifts a beer can up and tells my son 'beer... beer... beer'. And then jokes about his first word being 'beer' (DS in 5 months).

OP posts:
MarineIguana · 20/01/2010 11:20

Bloody hell, a year! - you deserve a medal. But it's great that he's going - set aside time to clear his room and make it really nice, enjoy time with your DP and DC without him. Don't waste time now worrying about a few years down the line - you can always put your foot down then.

We had a similar situation for 3 months after DP friend stayed with us after a break-up - I nearly went insane and ended up mainly avoiding him. He wasn't paying rent - I didn't really want him to as it was temporary and I was worried if he was renting he would feel free to stay indefinitely - but he could have bought some shopping or done some housework! To be fair it was slightly different as he was in a bad way and him drinking a lot was more temporary - he's recovered now and I can get on with him again much better now he's not in my space.

But I do know how it feels when your DP/DH's loyalty to someone puts you through this. You are not mean or selfish at all. Your privacy in your home is really important and the smelliness and obnoxiousness that comes with drinking is horrible to put up with.

MarineIguana · 20/01/2010 11:23

Oh yes ours also thought he was really good around DS - despite having no clue whatsoever and making adult jokes like that.

TrippleBerryFairy · 20/01/2010 11:35

I am sick of hiding and avoiding him (when I do he sometimes tries to strike a conversation with me through the closed door - it is closed for a reason you idiot!)

Anyway, thank you all for replies, I have vented my frustration and feeling a bit better. 25 looong days to go.

OP posts: