to not want DP's friend to live with us ever again?

[TrippleBerryFairy]

He is DP's friend from teenage years and he has lived with us for a year now, moving out soon and I am soooo counting the days. Last night DP mentioned that he might be back in few years time to which my reaction was 'if he's in, I'm out!'.

The reasons I don't ever want him back are numerous:
he is an alkoholic (and proud of how much he can drink!), he gets pissed every day with rare exceptions .

he never ever cleans his room - in the whole year he vacuum cleaned his room ONCE. He eats in his room and stashes empty beer and food cans there and it always stinks

His room is a complete mess - I actually never go in there cause I might just explode with rage if I do

He constantly walks around with a beer can - annoying and while I can ignore it I wouldn't like my son to be exposed to that in a few years time when he's older (am I being overprotective not wanting to have an alcoholic around my son?..)

He himself stinks, I had to tell him to wash himself more often recently.

I just want to be left alone, I avoid our living room because he comes down every 20 mins for a smoke outside and I have to engage in some meaningless conversation I am not interested in. I don't have the nerve to be mean so I just smile while my blood is boiling.

His drinking creeps me out when he walks around with blurry eyes and I just want to hide or run away.

To his defence I must add that he keeps himself to himself most of the time and stays in his room watching TV for ages. I can enjoy max 10 minutes of conversation with him when he's sober but that's about it. He doesn't get loud when drunk just annoying. Helps my DP to move heavy things in the house if needed. His rent money has helped us through difficult times.

But I just cannot stand his drinking. Just a thought of him comming back in a few years time makes me want to scream. How do I explain to DP nicely that I will move out or turn into fury if he comes back? DP btw, regards him as a 'family' as they've known each other for so long and his friend does not have any family. I think DP feels sorry for him but am I right in thinking that his friend should sort out his life on his own (he was btw kicked out from the last place he rented a room - I suspect the reasons were similar to mine and people just got fed up with him) and my DP doesn't owe him anything and should listen to when I say I do not want him back ever? I do feel sorry for his friend sometimes too but having an alcoholic in the house with small children seems bloody wrong to me.

Or am I being a selfish mean biatch?

You're a sweetheart Mozarela with the patience of a saint, but seriously both your dh and his mate are taking the piss out of you

Actually is there anyway your DP could get his mate to admit he has a drink problem? And maybe get him to AA? Does the mate have any family?

I spoke to DP about mate's drinking issues many times but he just says 'he's always been like that, he won't change'.
I even told the lodger himself that he is an alcoholic but no reaction, I guess he doesn't see it as an issue but a way of life. I tbh do not want to get involved in persuading or getting him to AA- he is nobody to me, I just want him out. I have more important things to focus on like my DS.

Fair enough.

Sorry for bringing this up again.

Spoke to DP about his mate last night. Went through all the reasons why I never want him back. DP was going on about mate's difficult life and his loneliness etc bla bla bla for a while but in the end agreed to make sure I am happy before he does anything re his mate in the future.

I sort of calmed down but then spent half of the night lying awake full of fury and frustration. DP said that he has an obligation to his friend and that phrase drives me insane.

I feel threatened. I feel like this f* mate of his will always hang like a dark cloud over my head and I will always fear that one day shit hits the fan, he loses his job or gets kicked out from some place and will land on our doorstep again. And DP will kindly take him in because he has an obligation to do so.

I might be winding myself up unnecessarily thinking too much about this but in my mind I am working out an escape plan if that happens. I will leave DP if his mate ever returns.

24 more days to go...

Hi mozarela

I'm sorry you feel so frustrated by the whole situation.

The good thing is that this shows that your DP in incredibly loyal. That is a good thing. And hopefully bodes well for your future as a couple and as a family.

Does DP think his mate is happy? He doesn't sound happy to me. Saying that 'he has always been like that' about his drinking is not actually helping his mate. Nor is providing him with a safety net when he pisses off the next people he will live with.

Your DP is enabling his mate to carry on the way he is. He is not actually doing him any favours.

How old is this guy?

what a horrid situation.

good thing is, if it could be a few years before your lodger comes back, you and your DP will have two children and the thought of having to cope with an adult who acts like one will most likely have your DP running for the hills.

good luck

I think you've become very sensitive to any thought of this friend because the situation has really brought you to the brink emotionally. (I don't blame you, I was at that point after 3 months, you must be a saint not to have walked out already!) But when he has gone, honestly you will feel stronger, get your house back how you like it, feel in control again and this won't scare you so much.

My DP was the same - he felt his friend needed him and in a way he was right and that did make him a good friend - it's just that there has to be a balance. Your DH has also made a promise to you now so you can hold him to it.

Could you take DS and go away for a bit to visit family etc.? just to get your head together. Sometimes when you know it's coming to an end, that's when you find your rope isn't quite long enough and you just want it over NOW. But you will get there.

Sorry I am calling your DP DH, oops, I meant DP.

mozarela,

As Buda has correctly surmised all your DP has done is to enable his alcoholic friend. Enabling does no-one any favours; all it does is give the enabler (i.e your DP) a false sense of control. Your DP has really and truly been taken advantage of by this alcoholic. Your DP's loyalty is sadly misplaced here.

Also your DP is NOT responsible for his friend.

There is no good reason at all for this man to be in your house. He should leave today, not in 24 days time. Your DP actually should have no real obligation to this friend of his, they may have known each other a long time but that is truly about the extent of it.

Buda, thank you for reminding me the good side of my DP He is very loyal indeed and a good natured person (albeit quite short tempered sometimes). After I posted on MN I sent him a text appologizing -I nearly deliberately caused a row this morning, out of frustration really. Got a txt from him promising that I don't have to worry about his mate.

His mate is 41 and no, I don't think he is happy. I mean who could be happy living like he does?... Being permanently skint because all money goes on booze, having a crappy job he constantly compains about, lodging at friend's at 41... I've actually been meaning to ask him exactly the same- are you happy with the way you live? And then talk about his drinking maybe.

MarineIguana you are so right - now when I know that in 24 days he'll be gone I seem to be losing it, I want him gone NOW.

Unfortunately as that is not possible I will have to arm myself with my 'patience of a saint' (this have made me laugh - very needed laugh) and wait.

I understand what you are saying Attila but I strongly suspect that there is no way Mozarela's DP would agree to the friend leaving today. He seems to feel responsible for him in some way.

I do strongly feel that Mozarela's DP needs to sit down with his friend and tell him that he needs to get his life sorted. But if he doesn't want to nobody can make him.

Mozarela - don't stress yet about what might happen in the future. IF DP mentions his friend moving back in general conversation, I would just light-heartedly say "no way" or "we will get a good deal on the move - removers can move me out as they move him in" or "I will know when you want me to move out, you will be moving X in".

Attila, I agree 100% with what Buda said - my DP is doing no favours to his friend by catching him whenever he falls. I see that plainly myself and spoke about that to DP. But he insists he cannot leave him destitute or homeless which I think would be a good wake up cal for his mate. DP seems to have other ideas re what 'help' means in this case.

In 24 days the lodger moves to another friend of his - he seems to be drifting like that most of the time. No way DP would tell him to leave NOW.

Sometimes tbh, I think wtf, I will bring all the issues up directly with the lodger but am affraid I might open a can or worms. And unsure whether I have right to interfere and not sure whether I should be bothered at all cause he's going.

I'd tell him clearly that if friend ever moves in again then the relationship is over. I'd be unhappy with my husband having a good friend who was a lazy alcoholic. I wouldn't want my children living with an alcoholic. the situation is ridiculous.
If your partner feels more of an obligation to his friend then to you then it's not a partnership. I'm amazed you've let the guy stay for so long. Once I realised the guy was an alcoholic I'd have told my husband he had to go. He's an adult, you and your husband aren't responsible for him.
You sound as though your husband has all the power in your relationshipthough. I'd have insisted the friend kept his room clean or he went. It sounds as though you've been a bit passive if resentful about it all.

How old is he mozarela?

2rebecca, I see what you're saying but I'm not sure this does apply to the OP. I was the same - put up with it and got very upset - because it's really hard when someone does need help and your partner wants to help them, you feel like a bitch if you make a fuss. That doesn't mean your DP has all the power - just means it's a difficult situation. My relationship with my DP is pretty equal but I endured our lodger so as not to make things really awkward. The OP has confronted her DP often and now got an agreement out of him - not that passive.

2rebecca, I have moved to DPs place when his mate was already there and I just accepted things the way they were (DP would never go into mate's room or demand he cleans it so I just followed the example sort of), not very healthy I know. Also, lodger's rent money was another reason why I/we put up with him for so long - we needed the money and it has helped us a lot.

Buda, he's 41. Old enough to be able to sort out his life, eh?...

MarineIguana, very eloquent and applies to my situation as well...

You are so not being unreasonable! You are a family even if he was the perfect house guest you have the right to live in own home without guests. I couldn't live like this, I can't even bear the thought of having a house guest for one night. You deserve a medal!

YANBU at all.
Your DS is 5 months, so that smelly drunk must have been there when you came home from the hospital. [anger]
As others have said, sit out the days. Get him and your DP to clean out his room.
Don't worry about what may happen. It may never be a problem and if it is deal with it then. In fairness, it shows a nice side to your DP that he wants to help.
My DP has a mate just like him. It's very sad to see particularly as they were very close in their early 20's hard drinking days but my DP has made a proper life and his friend is still acting like a 21 year old with his first weeks wages. But no way would I put up with that especially with a baby.

wukter, I didn't quite realise the extent of his drinking before I started maternity leave (which was a day before DS was born!) as I worked long hours and DP's mate was asleep most of the time when I came home (he works nights so goes to sleep ~ 6pm). So when I came back home from the hospital I didn't know what awaits me.

Took me few weeks to realise he drinks everyday as he does that in his room most of the time.

I am that I wasn't able to enjoy my DS and maternity leave as much as I could have because of the lodger.

If you moved in whilst he was there it's harder, also sounds like your partner does have the power, it's his place, you're not married.
I'd have probably stayed on my own rather than live with an alcoholic, and wanted marriage and the guy to recognise us as being a family before I'd move in and give up my independance.

Oh Mozarela that sounds grim. Sad for you. That would have driven me up the wall.
But, just hold on to the thought that he is going, and the lovely family life you will have after. Give yourself a pat on the back for your good nature.

It is his place but I pay my half, the whole situation re the house is a different story. I moved in when found out I was pregnant - the marriage was the last thing on my mind, we had to sort out other things first.

I can assure you he recognises us as a family and while I respect your views on marriage this thread is not about my marital status so I am not going to go there.

my last post was response to 2rebecca, forgot to mention