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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my husband should sod his stupid non-existent staff meeting

88 replies

takethatlady · 19/01/2010 10:13

Hi,

My husband and I are a couple of months off ttc our first child. He has always wanted children, as have I, but it is only in the last six months or so that we have both felt now is the right time.

Anyway, after much discussion with DH, yesterday I made an appointment for us to see our GP in a couple of week's time. It can be tricky getting appointments at our surgery, especially as he is a teacher and works half an hour away so has to have appointments last thing in the day.

When I told him I had booked it, he just said 'well, I hope I haven't got an after-school meeting that day. I'm sure I haven't, but if I have, I won't be able to go'. I said that I would expect him to be there whether he had a staff meeting or not - they're hardly important and it wouldn't matter if he missed one for a doctor's appointment. He said that staff meetings are compulsory and that he wouldn't miss it, even for this appointment, especially as it the appointment is hardly necessary in the first place.

I know he's got a point - I could just get another appointment - but this is supposed to be our first step towards creating a family together and to me it is a big deal. I want to feel like he is as excited as me, and like he's going to put our family before his stupid nondescript staff meeting that every other person in the world would just get out of if they had a doctor's appointment. It's not a big deal to miss it, and if he's going to be like this about the moment we start to ttc what's he going to be like for all the other appointments we're going to have?

The stupid thing is, he doesn't even have a meeting, so it's a pointless argument anyway. I just can't believe that he would raise it as an issue.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Butterfly99 · 19/01/2010 10:32

Yes YABU. If you want to try to conceive, you need to just go for it! I don't understand the need to see the GP either before you try either. You do know that it sometimes takes time to get pregnant too, that it may not just happen as soon as you start trying.

morningpaper · 19/01/2010 10:32

hehe

Yep, just eat healthily, cut down on alcohol and coffee, take a suitable pregnancy vitamin and do the deed a million times

TBH the GP won't even want to see you when you DO get up the duff! It's all a bit of an anticlimax until you go into labour

good luck!

charmander · 19/01/2010 10:32

Well done you for being lovely.

Good luck with TTC

caramelwaffle · 19/01/2010 10:33

Eat well. Take folic acid. Sleep lots. Cut out alcohol. Stop smoking. Have lots of sex.

Original poster

takethatlady · 19/01/2010 10:33

Hi nickytwotimes - don't feel bad! You have saved me from being unreasonable for real and not just unreasonable on cyberspace . I asked for it!

OP posts:

Buda · 19/01/2010 10:34

Welcome to Mumsnet and congratulations on having survived (good naturedly) your first pasting on AIBU!!! You will survive anything now!

AmazingBouncingFerret · 19/01/2010 10:35

Ah just read your reply! Yeah unless you have any personal health worries I would just cancel the appt.
For what its worth I had to change the date of my 2nd scan because DH couldnt get out of work.

Morloth · 19/01/2010 10:36

I replaced my daily multi-vitamin with the pregnacare conception. I figured it couldn't hurt and might do some good.

Lots of exercise, healthy eating and stacks and stacks of sex (you may find he is definitely up for this bit), and chill out about it all, chances are it will go swimmingly (snurk) and you will be knocked up before you know then you can really start being a PITA .

I quite enjoy all my ante-natal appointments, there is usually a wait so I grab a coffee and take the newspaper with me, wouldn't want DH there - would want to talk to me or something.

sb6699 · 19/01/2010 10:37

Well done for taking that flaming so gracefully

Good luck with ttc. Hope all goes well.

Ingles2 · 19/01/2010 10:37

You have a particularly good GP then Hula.. My friend is TTC and went to see her GP. Was given short shrift. He thought she had been ttc for ages, was incredulous when she admitted they hadn't tried yet.

onefatoneshortonelean · 19/01/2010 10:38

You can have a blood test for rubella immunity if you want. If feel you want to talk to the GP then do but you are the patient, your DH doesn't need to know about folic acid or pelvic floors or blood presure enough to miss work to hear it from a GP rather than from you.

I have never seen a man at antenatal clinic (I've been to a lot, I have loads of dcs and bad pregnancys) but some do go. My Bil used to go with his wife but to be fair she does need to have things explained to her more than once.

Most men go to scans and to the birth.( but some drop there wives off at the hospital and go back to work taking the carefully packed hospital bag with them )

chocolaterabbit · 19/01/2010 10:38

Good luck and well done for your response.

FWIW, I wouldn't bother ttc - particularly not if you might get stressed if it doesn't happen instantly. I would take folic acid and stop trying not to conceive.

I was very impatient though.

lucykate · 19/01/2010 10:41

if you want to start ttc, it's not a gp you need. go to the chemist, get some folic acid, then tackle your dh to the floor when he gets back from that meeting and go for it! that'll make him want to come home from work earlier in the future

good luck!

2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 19/01/2010 10:43

Welcome to mumsnet. I love to see such a lovely and good natured respons to a good pasting.

Aside from folic acid, stopping smoking, reducing alcohol intake and eating healthily, there are a few foods you should avoid, such as unpasturized cheeses, shellfish and stuff, but you need to read up on that, because I cant remember!

Also when you do become pregnant, dont stop going to the gym, try stay fit, go swimming. Take up ante natal yoga, etc.

In hindsight, I regret not exercising when ttcing and getting greater level of fitness prior to the pregnancies.

Morloth · 19/01/2010 10:46

I am not so sure about that Quintessential, I was (am) vastly fitter this time around than with DS1 (and almost 65kgs lighter) and this time is much harder work.

2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 19/01/2010 10:52

Morloth, do you think that is age related?
I have told dh I am not going to start ttc nr 3 until I have lost at least 5kg and improved my cardiovascular fitness. Very unsure.

difficultdecision · 19/01/2010 10:53

takethatlady

Here is a copy of the leaflet I give to people who are thinking about starting a family.

It summarises the current advice on what to take and what to avoid.

preconception leaflet

These are some of the ones I give when people are pregnant and want more information before seeing the midwife.

screening tests

sickness in pregnancy

maternity benefits

diet in pregnancy

Good luck and enjoy the TTCing!

Original poster

takethatlady · 19/01/2010 10:55

Ha ha lucykate! Good plan

OP posts:

Original poster

takethatlady · 19/01/2010 10:55

Thanks so much for the advice everybody - especially difficultdecision. That really helps.

OP posts:

mayorquimby · 19/01/2010 10:56

"He has missed staff meetings to go to see football before..."

yeah but in fairness he can reschedule your dr. appointment he can't reschedule the football.

Football [worship emoticon]

lostinwales · 19/01/2010 11:03

As a teachers wife I would say YANBU about the whole 'well I hope there's not a meeting' scenario as I get this all the time and it ALWAYS seems to me to be an unnecessary thing to say, just put in to annoy. Same for 'I'm going to need a whole day for planning this weekend/half term' which means I never thin of family activitys, and then he can't be arsed to plan so we don't do anything. (or tags along looking grumpy when I have something nice organised)

BUT as a teachers wife YABU and be prepared, because over my three pregnancys I have pretty much gone to every midwife appointment/scan alone even when we thought DS3 had Downes Syndrome, because school will always come first on these occasions.

lostinwales · 19/01/2010 11:07

Wow as I slowly typed in my reply a lot went on! Good luck with everything.

Oh and I meant think not thin (I am never thin!)

compo · 19/01/2010 11:12

aw good luck on ttc

there are lots of ttc and conception threads on here

let us know how you get on

MmeLindt · 19/01/2010 11:33

Well done for taking the responses so well. Now all you need to do is have a post deleted and get into MP's roundup.

Do think about going to get your rubella immunity checked, you can have the booster if you need it now, long before you start TTC.

Good luck and have fun TTCing.

Meita · 19/01/2010 11:37

TBH when I got pregnant and started reading information leaflets and such, I was surprised at how many things I apparently SHOULD have considered before starting TTC. Sure, I had been taking folic acid for months, and thought I was being very good... Then when I MCed, I figured this was an opportunity to catch up on everything I'd missed for the first try. But when I discussed it with my GP, referring to the leaflets, he said it was not necessary but did refer me for a blood test for rubella and chickenpox immunity.
If I were you I'd also make sure all other vaccinations are up to date (such as Tetanus) and if they aren't, go renew them now - I don't know if they are safe in pregnancy, they might be, but if you do them now it's one thing less to worry about later.
So in summary, seeing your GP pre-TTC is not a waste of time in my opinion.

The other issue is wanting to have your DH involved. I don't think you are being precious by wanting to do this together, to have him involved, in more ways than just the sex. I suppose it depends a lot on your relationship, and ideals are sure to vary, but my ideal of a perfect partner is definitely someone who doesn't just "go along" with my baby-plans, but rather someone who is interested, gets himself informed, makes them "our" baby plans. So I do understand your disappointment at his lack of enthusiasm. But on the other hand, his reaction might just be a healthy protective mechanism. Because once you start getting really excited about finally TTC, you might also find yourself getting really disappointed, month by month, if it doesn't work out immediately. Maybe he was just, in a way, saying to you: Calm down lady, we will start worrying about everything that can go wrong soon enough.
Oh, and I suppose once you do get pregnant, you will very likely realise that the process does affect you more than him and it is nigh impossible for men to remain equally "involved" as their partners are.

But just because some men don't go along to antenatal appointments and some women prefer it that way, doesn't mean that you have to feel the same way about it. If you find that you have expectations from your DH and he isn't living up to them, I'd suggest talking to him about it. He might be very compliant or you might end up adapting your expectations, but in any case it's better to have it out than to secretly be disappointed of your DH.

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