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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish people wouldn't expect me to obsess so much about sttn

63 replies

mrsbean78 · 17/01/2010 18:33

I am so, so sick of hearing everyone wang on about sttn.

I am a member of a baby group and while I have no issues with the other mothers having an interest in it from their own perspective (who doesn't want more sleep?), I am getting really tired of endless conversations about what I am doing to make my six week old baby sttn!

The very worst thing of it all is that they are all ffing, and I am predominantly bfing. As he has some formula top-ups (long story), the other mums can't understand why I won't give him a 'big feed' before bed to get him to sleep through. I feel I am constantly being told to give him this "big feed" again and again and again, to the point I feel I can't so much as yawn in their presence without these 'helpful' suggestions.

As their babies are ff, they are sttn for the majority of the time.. so not only am I given the impression they think I'm an idiot getting up in the middle of the night for a feed, but I have to listen to them tell me how much better they feel now they get a good night's sleep and how they can't understand why anyone would continue on with bfing when all it means is 'running yourself ragged' with sleep deprivation .

Hey, it could all be mine if I just gave him a "full feed" (as if my poor boobs were good for nothing!). No joke. I guess the're trying to be helpful but I personally feel that there is no justification in me stressing about a six week old not sttn, especially when I have no other factors that might complicate the situation e.g. I'm not a lone parent, I don't have to go back to work anytime soon, I don't have other children, he's not a twin!

Why is everyone so obsessed with sttn? Especially women whose babies are already sttn? I really don't mind the waking at night that much at this stage, it's cuddly time for us and I just think it's what I signed up for, you know? Is it really that bad to give up sleep to feed your tiny baby?

OP posts:
Coldhands · 17/01/2010 18:38

YANBU. I ff my DS but he didn't sttn until he was 13 weeks. I was fine with this. IMHO you should expect to be getting up in the night for a long time when you have DCs.

My MIL always used to ask if DS was sttn, as my DH did at 6 weeks, I heard that so many times. Now it is all about "is he potty training yet?" Unfortunately there are people who always compare and others who always ask if your DS is doing this yet or doing that yet as there DCs were perfect who done everything 'on time'.

Try to have an answer ready that lets them know you are fine with how you are doing it. My nan keeps on saying that I should be potty training my DS, he is 2 at the end of Jan. I have explained about waiting until he is ready etc and he will let me know, she doesn't see how. I just tune it out now.

momofnearly2 · 17/01/2010 18:54

YANBU. I was one of the one's who gave birth to a baby who couldn't wait to get to sleep as soon as he came out. (wonder who he got that from?)

I BF exclusively for 6 months and Ds was sttn (11hours ish) from 8 weeks and I still had people telling me that if I gave him formula he would sleep for 13 hours.

I was actually quite upset once he started sleeping through because, like for you, it was our cuddly time.

There's alway's mum's out there who feel that their child needs to be one step ahead of everyone else. I just grin and bare it.

easyoptionwoman · 17/01/2010 18:55

Please keep on doing what feels like the right thing for you and try and ignore smug wankers. Sleepless nights go hand in hand with having babies. They don't last forever. Why do so many women think that having kids is a competition?

waitingforbedtime · 17/01/2010 18:57

Wait until they're 3 and still not sleeping through the night then you'll be really sick of the advice!!! ;)

coldtits · 17/01/2010 18:57

some people need more sleep than other people, and some people funtion appallingly on less than a full night's sleep. This is why people get obsessed by it.

If they are not feeling the importance of breastfeeding, and cannot accept that you may not have the need for a full night's sleep that they feel they need, then it is normal for them to think you are a fool for running yourself ragged for the sake of it.

YOU know different, but this is parenting for you - everyone thinks they know your children and your situation better than you do, they won't be told any different, so grow a shell.

waitingforbedtime · 17/01/2010 18:58

PS Dont believe all the mums who say their kids sleep through - I have since found out that alot of them are talking rubbish or consider sleeping 12-5 sleeping through the night!

Peachy · 17/01/2010 19:00

Dunno what you're complaining about WFBT, you could have ds1 (10)......arrrghhhhh LOL

Disclaimer: SN,and anyway will be old enough to stay up before he sleeps through now I reckon.

OP this sort of aprent is everywhere and once it'sover and donewith regarding STTN it willbe weaning,potty training, pre-school..... declare yourself out of the race now and you will do yourself a favour.

mii · 17/01/2010 19:01

my 2.4yr old doesn't sttn and hasn't once since he was born

nickytwotimes · 17/01/2010 19:04

Yanbu. It is infuritating.

Fwiw, ds was ff and didn't sleep through at that very young age.

Many people exagerate/lie, so take it all with a pinch of salt.

It is vexing because it is YOU who has to do the graft, so wtf is it to do with anyone else?

Ignore if you can. If they harp on about it, just say your baby sleeps all night.

fufulina · 17/01/2010 19:07

YANBU - DD is BF and didn't sleep through until 8 and a half months - but now does 12 hours pretty much consistently. And she was the same as the other 6 BF NCT babies - none of whom slept through before 7 months (and a couple who still aren't - they're 13 months now).

I did OBSESS for a while - at the 6 month point I thought she was the only baby in the world who didn't sleep through. And she was waking twice/three times a night (6pm - 6am) for 5/10 minute feeds - in hindsight - it could have been so much worse! But I found that other people were far more obsessed on my behalf - offering un-asked for advice constantly... Ignore ignore!

PuzzleRocks · 17/01/2010 19:09

HV went on and on about CC to me when DD1 was little despite my making it perfectly clear I wasn't interested.
DD2 had her 8 month check before Christmas. HV asked if she was sleeping through and I told her "No, and I sure as hell don't expect her to." with the sweetest smile I could muster.

You have my sympathy.

Original poster
mrsbean78 · 17/01/2010 19:22

Silly question this maybe, but how do you ignore it? As in, what do you say without seeming rude or having to lie? Or is lying the best way forward?

I hadn't expected mum culture to be quite so competitive! I hardly know how to respond. I think I've sent clear 'this is not up for discussion' signals but obviously not clear or strong enough, and you know, it is hard when you are sleep-deprived (no matter how much I see it as part of having kids) to be told that you could get out of it if you wanted - by people who are sleeping more than you! Though I like the suggestion they are lying .

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsbean78 · 17/01/2010 19:24

Oh yeah, so thanks to the posters who ff for being honest and letting me know it's not the elixir of sttn for all!

OP posts:
JaneS · 17/01/2010 19:26

Just smile sweetly and mutter something patronizing about how you love to sing to your little angel during the wee hours and it's the best part of being a mummy ... you'll be lying, but in all likelihood, so are they when they say theirs sleep through! And they will be so revolted by the idea of anyone enjoying being awake with the baby, they'll stop pestering you ;-)

nickytwotimes · 17/01/2010 19:28

Oh, God, you are NEVER so open to potential judging and competition than when you are a parent. It is quite astounding tbh. Probably down to the fact that it is a very important task and we all want to think we have done it properly!

Ignoring it - just kind of move th conversation on to something else or smile and nod when someone starts telling you how their kids sleeps for 14 hours (!?)

As I said, ff doesn't always make much difference. Most of my pals were also ffing or mixed feeding after 9 mths or so and mainly didn't sleep all night until about 12-18 mths.

Coldhands · 17/01/2010 19:32

Hmmm, not really sure how you ignore it tbh. Now that DS is much older, I just focus on the stuff he does do and don't take any notice of the other stuff. Parents to seem to be very competitive though, even some of my lovely friends have this problem, out of the 3 of us, my DS is older by a couple of months but he does get compared a lot to the other 2, if DS can do something I often get "oh so and so can't do that yet" while the mum sounds disappointed. Obviously at a young age, a couple of months make quite a difference. Or 2 of our DCs were off the bottle (I was happy to carry on but DS wasn't bothered) so our other friend was like "right is coming off the bottle too".

I really try to let it wash over me and think that DS will get there in how own time. This has got easier with time though. I have become more relaxed, the older DS has got.

JackBauer · 17/01/2010 19:34

I was in a group of mums who were mixed in ffing and bfing and none of ours slept through the night 'properly' until they were about 12 weeks.
We all were chatting when we found that the ones who said their DC's were meant from 12-5 or similar, and the ones who werent meant 7-7

stoppinattwo · 17/01/2010 19:35

I have just wasted 30 seconds of my life trying to work out STTN.......I got there in the end

Both mine didnt sleep through till they started school...hence my nervous disposition

iamaLeafontheWind · 17/01/2010 19:35

Durr, they are obviously defensive about FF and this is their way of justifying it to themselves. (I have no strong feelings either way, but there is pressure on people to BF).

DD has only just started sleeping 8 hours (at 16 months) but I know that a lot of people think that 'sleeping through' means 5 hours.

GoingRodeoBaby · 17/01/2010 19:38

Find another group without so many preachy mums there. They are probably lying anyway.

Bicnod · 17/01/2010 19:40

YANBU - tis a bloody nightmare. DS doesn't sleep through the night. I wish he would but I know there is nothing I can do to make him sleep through, he will when he is ready.

I have been helpfully informed on numerous occasions since he was born that he will sleep through if I:

a) FF at bedtime. I BF til he was 8 mths and when I started sometimes doing a bedtime FF at 6 mths in made not a blind bit of difference to his sleep.

b) got him on the baby rice (this from my mother when he was 8 weeks old????!!!!). He now has 3 solid meals a day. He is a very good eater. He still doesn't sleep through.

c) let him CIO. I will never ever do this. Apparently my baby wanting a cuddle with his mummy in the middle of the night is a form of manipulation. Can't see it myself.

You should do what is right for you and your LO. It sounds like you're doing a fantastic job - just let everyone's helpful advice wash over you.

Olifin · 17/01/2010 19:43

YANBU. It's a bloody obsession for so many people. Two most popular questions to ask new parents:

-Does he/she sleep through the night?

(No, because he's a brand new human with a tiny stomach who needs to eat every 3-4 hours)

-Is he/she good?

No he's BAD. A very BAD baby

Bicnod · 17/01/2010 19:45

LOL Olifin - I find that second question so bizarre... how on earth can a baby be bad??!! And yet so many of my friends have asked 'is he good?' Weird weird weird.

Olifin · 17/01/2010 19:52

Hee hee Bicnod I think a lot of people just don't think about what they're actually saying!

BouncingTurtle · 17/01/2010 20:12

My baby turned 2 at Christmas... he is still 'maniupulating' me into giving him boobie and a cuddle in the middle of the night
Still I have lovely posture due to the 'rod for my back'

YANBU - only advice I can give is ignore, ignore,ignore. Your baby will sleep through when he is ready, just like mine will!!!

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