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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wish people wouldn't expect me to obsess so much about sttn

63 replies

mrsbean78 · 17/01/2010 18:33

I am so, so sick of hearing everyone wang on about sttn.

I am a member of a baby group and while I have no issues with the other mothers having an interest in it from their own perspective (who doesn't want more sleep?), I am getting really tired of endless conversations about what I am doing to make my six week old baby sttn!

The very worst thing of it all is that they are all ffing, and I am predominantly bfing. As he has some formula top-ups (long story), the other mums can't understand why I won't give him a 'big feed' before bed to get him to sleep through. I feel I am constantly being told to give him this "big feed" again and again and again, to the point I feel I can't so much as yawn in their presence without these 'helpful' suggestions.

As their babies are ff, they are sttn for the majority of the time.. so not only am I given the impression they think I'm an idiot getting up in the middle of the night for a feed, but I have to listen to them tell me how much better they feel now they get a good night's sleep and how they can't understand why anyone would continue on with bfing when all it means is 'running yourself ragged' with sleep deprivation .

Hey, it could all be mine if I just gave him a "full feed" (as if my poor boobs were good for nothing!). No joke. I guess the're trying to be helpful but I personally feel that there is no justification in me stressing about a six week old not sttn, especially when I have no other factors that might complicate the situation e.g. I'm not a lone parent, I don't have to go back to work anytime soon, I don't have other children, he's not a twin!

Why is everyone so obsessed with sttn? Especially women whose babies are already sttn? I really don't mind the waking at night that much at this stage, it's cuddly time for us and I just think it's what I signed up for, you know? Is it really that bad to give up sleep to feed your tiny baby?

OP posts:

TheHouseofMirth · 17/01/2010 20:52

MrsBean78 you sound like a lovely mummy and the way you feel about your baby is fab. I was exactly the same as you, didn't expect my first baby to sleep (and he didn't disappoint me ) but I used to relish sitting up in bed with him in the middle of the night. I felt it would all be so much more bearable if I didn't dwell on how much sleep I was or wasn't getting but surrendered myself to this aspect of motherhood (obviously this is much easier with supportive partner and no job to go to). Then instead of feeling hard done by I felt happy and calm.

I'm not very good at keeping quiet so must admit when I've found myself in situations like you describe (I also BF my DS1 in public until he was around 3 yo so you can imagine a certain amount of strong-mindedness is needed for that) I always say that I do things differently, and why. So many mums do things a certain way just because their mum/friend did and I think it's really important that mums realise there are other ways of parenting that might suit them and their babies better, if only they were more widely known.

PuzzleRocks · 17/01/2010 21:00

TheHouseofMirth - You sound pretty lovely yourself. Your post made smile.

TheHouseofMirth · 17/01/2010 21:24

puzzleRocks I'm not that lovely really! But I'm very glad I made you smile.

Lotkinsgonecurly · 17/01/2010 21:33

I loved the middle of the night cuddles and feeds. Whilst its lovely when they sleep through ( think it was around 6 months ) with DS and the same with the DD.

sparklefrog · 17/01/2010 21:33

What is sttn?

againandagain · 17/01/2010 21:35

Havnt read the whole thread so sorry if I repeat something
I hate the way your parenting skills are judged by how well your baby sleeps. Its rubbish my friends baby sttn at 6 weeks. Clearly she is a much better parent than me .
Also sttn means different things to different people. My cousain kept asking id my dd was sttn, I kept saying no, when I asked she said sleeping through was 6 hours! I said ohh she does that!!
To me it is 12 hours with no wakings. However my dd would sleep for about 8 hours, have a quick feed then go back to sleep for 4 hours, so if people asked sometimes I would say yes. Also, my dd is ff. She was her worst sleep wise at 6 weeks. We have now had 3 12 unbroken nights and she is 22 weeks. Dont fret, as my mum said they all sleep by the time they go to school! Big help at 3 am when you have matchsticks holding your eyes up and yopu are at the 6 week mark !

baskingseals · 17/01/2010 21:37

god bloody good for you houseofmirth - i bfed dd until she was 2.5 but never dared to in public, wimp that i am.

GetDownYouWillFall · 17/01/2010 21:42

I know for many people STTN was the holy grail of parenting, and it truly did become their obession because they were just so so so tired! I think sleep becomes anyone's obsession if they are knackered! Good for you if it is not taking over your life like it does other people's

RonNumber · 17/01/2010 21:43

what the fuck is sttn

upahill · 17/01/2010 21:47

I don't know what sttn stands for either

RonNumber · 17/01/2010 21:48

but it wa the HLY gfraiL OF PARNETING!

upahill · 17/01/2010 21:48

Ok I've googled- sleeping through the night!

RonNumber · 17/01/2010 21:48

OH GOD
THEy are so right
the minute you sleep all is well

RonNumber · 17/01/2010 21:49

oooh we never had a handy acronym when i posted about it on here
oh no we had to TYPE it all out
was character biulding

LittleWhiteWolf · 17/01/2010 21:50

My DD slept through the night from 8 weeks. She's 6 months now and does she still sleep through perfectly every night?

Absolutely not.

Friday night she was up every few hours because of her teeth.

STTN from an early age isnt an amazing feat--its a nice phase for some until something happens to move into a new phase of waking through the night. These mothers will be surprised when they learn that even this is a phase and wont last forever!

Enjoy the cuddly time you have with your LO and dont fret about what anyone else says!

LittleMrsHappy · 17/01/2010 21:52

sleep through the night.

My son is FF lol and does not sttn.

I lie cant be bothered with smugness lol

BosomForAPillow · 17/01/2010 21:59

My dd (15 months) has never slept through the night. People do stop asking about it after a while so don't worry.

It's hard to answer people when they suggest ff ("a big feed") because you don't want to upset them by saying you don't want to not bf him, but they don't think they might be upsetting you by going on about it. Maybe you could say you've tried that and it made no difference so they stop going on about it.

I have felt the same with people suggesting controlled crying which worked on their children...I can't say why I don't want to do that without saying bad things about cc which would upset them because they've already done it!

GracieW · 17/01/2010 22:16

I had to come on here just to see what sttn was...off now...cos mine do...

fruitstick · 17/01/2010 22:25

Bless them all. What they don't realise is that it's only for the first few months that babies wake because they're hungry. It's true, they often don't need feeding after that.

However, they do wake because they are teething, have learnt to stand up, have a cold, are lonely, aren't tired, have got their foot stuck ........

Chances are when any of these things happen the smug ones will have no idea how to comfort them and be either pacing the floor for ages or leaving them to cry. You however, can give your LO a quick feed and a cuddle and they'll probably be fine.

I say this with an 11 month old that I am currently 'encouraging' to sleep in his own cot and not demand to come into our bed at 4am so I'm being a little disingenuous but, up until now, I've loved snuggling up to him.

EmmaPr · 17/01/2010 22:29

I think my friends who went on about how their babies slept through from 6 weeks really did think it made them a good parent and they were forever trying to give me advice about how to get mine to sleep through.

"Let them cry it out", "give them a bottle of water instead of breastfeeding"(they'll apparantly won't bother you again if they know they're only going to get water from a bottle). Even my healthvisitor said I shouldn't give my DD eye contact at night.

2 babies later I have realised that it was everyone else's obsession about sttn that made me stress. I now realise that my mum's comment was the most sensible ie "what's all this fuss about getting your baby to sleep through?"
Next time around I hope I will be confident enough to just do what I goddam want and not to worry about what other people say.

PS. DD2 slept through at around 12 months and now always sleeps though and DD1 who is now 4 still doesn't sleep through (Hmmm we probably should actually do something about that now......)

cakeywakey · 17/01/2010 22:30

Just crack on with what you're doing OP, sounds like you're doing a brilliant job .

It sounds like you've got a group of uneccesarily competitive Mums at this group - they should be supportive, not trying to outdo everyone. (And I bet they're fibbing!)

I BF my DD until 20 weeks and then she was FF. She didn't STTN regularly until she was about 10 months but I didn't stress about it, they're all different and only you know what's best for your baby and for you.

If all else fails, tell them all to bog off and find a nice group of Mums elsewhere

picc · 17/01/2010 22:38

Agree with fruitstick.

DS 11 months has never slept through more than 4 hours, and is currently waking loads again.

At first, I really obsessed about it, because all the rest of my NCT group babies seemed to be sleeping through. I was also very sleep deprived!

This probably encouraged their constant "have you tried this?" comments.....

god! so many emails with 'helpful' suggestions. I felt like a failure, and every night I'd think "maybe tonight....?"

Then I stopped worrying about it and just got on with it. I'm still sleep-deprived, but much less stressed!!

And in the last 11 months the rest of the NCT girls have gone through many 'smug' phases (that's a bit harsh actually, cos they're all lovely! I just mean phases when they think they have it all sorted), but these are interspersed with many times where DCs start waking up for all the reasons fruitstick says (and more, probably...)

I just learned not to talk to them about it, and to repeat the mantra "no I don't want to run my whole day like a military operation to get him into a 'routine'" "yes i've tried a dreamfeed/bath/story/cuddle/water...whatever. No it didn't work" "yes I'm fine"

Babies are all different, and how much they sleep is just one aspect of them. Apparently it all changes when they're toddlers, anyway!

(ooops! didn't mean to rant! Am obviously more bitter than I realised!! )

IrrationalMother · 17/01/2010 22:41

DS did not sleep through without a feed until about 15 months. I tried everything at least once (I was back at work full time and fairly desperate at this point) but could not stand the distress that refusing to feed him / trying to stuff him before bed / trying to ration his feed etc caused. He was just awake longer and I hated the fact that he was crying. He slept through in his own time and I wish I hadn't worried so much about it! Whatever feels right to you is the right thing for your baby!

BlackLetterDay · 17/01/2010 23:23

I count sleeping through as being able to put them down at a reasonable time (7/8ish) and then not seeing them again until morning (6 or after). Dd did around 4 months but was always a pretty good sleeper, ds1 around 6 months and ds2, well remains to be seen although he will occasionally go 6 hours (12 weeks).

Obviously you then still have unsettled/ill/teething nights where it all goes tits up. I'm not bothered about the sleeping through part tbh and never did anything to try and make them, they found their own routines. However I am looking forward to getting my evenings back. All hail the day when ds2 will want to sleep at the same time as the other 2 , although I can't complain he has been asleep in his pram for 2 hours.

Pikelit · 17/01/2010 23:31

It took page one to work out what "sttn" meant but once there, can confirm two things:

There is no gold-standard by which this glorious state of affairs will occur. DS1 astonishingly achieving this feat at 3 weeks old, ds2 never quite getting there in all his 27 years. Admittedly, having slightly different "diversions" to keep him awake nowadays.

and

There is nothing in life to compare with the competitive bollocks that come with parenthood. It lasts forever.

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