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AIBU?

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Original poster

Access for my ex-husband

55 replies

frazzle26 · 17/01/2010 15:06

My ex-husband and I divorced 18 months ago and don't get on well at all. We have a 6 year old son together who lives with me. Ex husband has a new partner and a 5 month old daughter. Basically, I don't like the way he looks after our son. For example letting him play on the street unsupervised, making him change out of his clothes when i come to pick him up, hitting him (I don't do this).

Anyway, matters came to a head on halloween weekend when there was a big hoo-ha which i won't go into because it will take too long but basically the police were called and he didn't see our son for 8 weeks. I finally let him see our son 2 weeks ago but it didn't go well and our son wanted to come home after one night saying he'd been hit again and wasn't allowed anything to eat. His father also put him in nappies after he soiled himself.

My son later said that he had lied about being hit and not being given anything to eat although the nappy thing was definitely true as i saw them.

What i'm finding so hard is that I constantly have my mum telling me that I can't possibly let my son go and see his father. She constantl goes on about it and is a bit overbearing about it at times. I have my son one minute saying that he doesn't want to see his father and the next minute saying that he does. I have his father constantly ringing up demanding to see him. I've got the worry that my son may be playing out on the street unsupervised (although my ex says he will stop this)

I feel as though my head is going to explode!!

I wondered if anyone else had had any similar experiences,

Thanks

OP posts:
Lulumama · 17/01/2010 15:14

I am not in a similar position, but I feel that your mum may have a point

your ex has hit your son multiople times

he has put him in a nappy at the age of 6, presumably to humiliate/ teach him a lesson. if he soils himself when he iw with his dad, i would be asking why....

your son says he is hit and deprived of food when with his dad

your son may not want to see his dad but also does not want to gt him into trouble

hence withdrawing his accusations of being hit/no food

my gut would be to not let your son spend unsupervised time with his dad

kinnies · 17/01/2010 15:16

Your mum has a point.
I would only let him see Ds supervised (if at all) and keep a log of all this abuse your poor Ds has suffered.

kslatts · 17/01/2010 15:18

Must be a very difficult situation for you, I do believe wherever possible children should be given the opportunity to have a relationship with both parents, however from your OP I think your mother has a point. I agree with Lulumama.

Original poster
frazzle26 · 17/01/2010 15:24

I have considered going to a solicitor to sort out supervised access as this may be a compromise. I just worry about my son's safety so much when he's at his dad's house. I don't agree with young children being allowed to play on the street but he thinks it's ok because he lives on a naval estate and they all "look out for eachother".

From what I can gather, i don't think he was lying exactly when he said they didn't feed him. When i probed a bit deeper, they had a chinese and the only thing he likes from the chinese is egg fried rice and prawn crackers. Hardly a meal for a growing boy. Poor little guy must have been starving.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 17/01/2010 15:31

you need to be feeling secure in leaving with DS at his dad's, and DS needs to feel secure in being left

not being fed appropriately, supervised enough and being hit and put in a nappy are not acceptable

supervised contact esp in light of the recent police involvement surely is the way forward. especiallly whislt your DS is so young

CirrhosisByTheSea · 17/01/2010 15:33

I think if this was me I would definitely go down the route of having a solicitor help you set up supervised contact in a contact centre

Only because your son is clearly feeling right slap bang in the middle here and it will be no good for him at all. Telling you something, then telling you he lied...he is trying to be on everyone's good side and not get anyone more angry with eachother

That is no role for a 6 yo

Plus your ex will be challenged if he tries to hit your son in a contact centre!

Leslaki · 17/01/2010 15:38

This sounds familiar . I had to stop my dc from seeing their dad for a while as he refused supervised access - he had been putting them in danger (too long a list) and Ds (7) started wetting himself when he stayed over - XH made him and dd sleep in the wet bed as he wouldn't change the sheets. Horrible. I too ahd everyone telling me to stop access but although I agreed with them I also felt I couldn't stop them ahving any contact with their dad. It is a hard one to call and my heart goes out to you. Eventauly my X started having them o'nite againbut he's messed up again, the kids don't want to go and see him but don't want to hurt him either. They are asking if we can move back to Scotland 350 miles away) as we ahve all had enough of him!! He's also not paying his maintenance.
You must keep a diary/log of all the abuse as that is what helped me in the legal fight - yes it got that bad. He couldn't argue with dates and times and testimony from friends when the DC disclosed things to them. You have to get tough and fight. Your ds relies on you for his safety and happiness. Do you have a solicitor? Do you know of any contact centres he could see DS at? he may fly off the handle at that one though if he's anything like my x. Alternativelyis there someone you trust who could be the superving person? Someone who can stand up to your ex?
It is horrendous and my heart goes out to you as I've been there. Take care xx

dittany · 17/01/2010 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fernie3 · 17/01/2010 15:42

I wouldnt be happy leaving my children with someone who has behaved like this. The smacking would make me very angry as would the nappy. The chinese not so much I have to say but its really just one thing on tops of all the others. If what your sone says is true I would get legal advice.

thesteelfairy · 17/01/2010 15:45

I know this is very sensitive but you need to protect your son, he is 6, he can't do it for himself and his father is showing himself unable to do so as well by the fact that he regularly assaults him.

Your son sounds very confused and this decision needs to be taken out of his hands. Definitely would insist on supervised access.

MrsVidic · 17/01/2010 16:13

If I were you I'd have a few questions.

Has your son being lying about being hit just this time or every time?
Has he been soiling himself as an act of misbehaviour or accident?

He is six and needs you to make decisions for him which he is unable to do. If you genuinely feel that your son is at risk then I'd go down the supervised access route.

Original poster
frazzle26 · 17/01/2010 16:40

I know there is a contact centre in our local town so that could be sorted out. I don't have a solicitor at present but again that is something i could sort out.

Mrs Vidic: I don't think my son has been lying about being hit. Although he said when his father was on the phone that they hadn't done it (both him and his partner), he was sobbing so much when i picked him up that he would have had to have been an oscar winning actor to have been that convincing. It was heartbreaking. He's said it before too.

Also my son does soil himself occasionally at home but this is something we are dealing with. I would certainly never embarrass him by putting him in a nappy. Apart from the fact that when he turned up wearing it, it was clearly far too small for him

OP posts:
Lulumama · 17/01/2010 16:45

put yourself in your son's shoes:

you are 6, you have to go to your daddy's house, where there is not enough nice food, you get hit and if you have an accident, you get put in your baby sister's nappies. your dad also got in trouble with the police, and you didn';t see him for ages, and tehn he tells you not to tell mummy he hits you, or you won't see him again ever

do what is right for your son

he is 6 and needs you to protect him

GypsyMoth · 17/01/2010 16:46

contact centres are only meant for short term use,you cant use them indefinitely,plus the waiting lists are long and restrictive with times. you eed to think long term.

am going through courts myself,and cafcass immediately picked up on my ex having hit a child (amongst other concerns). its not on. it needs looking at properly.

why were police called anyway?

alicet · 17/01/2010 16:53

Sorry frazzle but although I think in most cases you should do everything in your power to allow both parents to have a relationship with their children I think with what you have said I would not be letting my son see his dad unsupervised.

i am not judging you and think you have been going against your instincts in order to allow your son to have a relationship with his dad. however there are a lot of things you have mentioned that sound very worrying.

  1. he has hit your son on more than 1 occasion

  2. he humiliates him by putting him in a nappy when he has had an accident

  3. you son is inconsolably upset when you pick him up

  4. as a one off i wouldn't worry about this but on top of everything else he clearly doesn't know HOW to look after a young child if he isn giving him food he can't eat (at least if your son said he didn't like it he should have been offered an alternative even if that was just bread and butter)

I agree with those who have said that it really is your duty as his mum to protect him from potential harm and to not agree to anymore unsupervised access.

What a terribly sad situation - good luck in sorting it out

dittany · 17/01/2010 16:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alicet · 17/01/2010 17:00

Oh and in my little list I forgot that:

  1. His dad doesn't adequately supervise him

  2. There have been issues involving the police that must have been pretty serious for you to not allow access for 8 weeks when you are allowing access for what on its own would be enough for me.

Original poster
frazzle26 · 17/01/2010 20:11

Thank you all for your comments.

Basically, the police were called because my ex-husband was trying to strip my son of his clothes in the street. My ex then took him back in the house when he wouldn't undress. When I followed to get him, his partner was undressing him forcibly with my ex yelling at me in my face to leave with my ds crying. My son finally escaped to my mum who was just outside the door and then the gf (of my ex) repeatedly slammed my foot in the door in an attempt to get me to leave causing me pain. I was trying to tell her i was angry with her for what she had been doing to my son. The police were called on my return home and went to see my ex the day after.

I just find it all so upsetting but above all there's a little boy in the middle of it all who i love so much. I i agree with a previous poster who said that he probably just wants to keep everyone happy when he lies about things because when he said he hadn't been hit his dad was on the phone.

I would love them to have a good relationship but at the moment that seems unlikely. I'm just glad he's in the navy. Hopefully he'll go away soon and give us some much needed respite.

OP posts:
MrsVidic · 17/01/2010 20:25

You have to protect your son- don't send him- get supervised access only.

alicet · 17/01/2010 20:27

Why the f* was he stripping him in the street?!

dittany · 17/01/2010 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fruitysunshine · 17/01/2010 20:32

I think it is highly unreasonable of your ex to insist that your son changes clothes just prior to going home to you. Why not let him go home and return the clothes on his next visit?

They are certainly not putting his welfare at the forefront of all this. I was aghast reading this.

wahwah · 17/01/2010 20:38

Agree with others, this is not appropriate parenting. If your son's father acknowledges that he needs to do things differently, hen hinge might b more hopeful, but it does sound as if supervised contact is best way forward.

roulade · 17/01/2010 20:40

I would definitely not send him unsupervised. If you stop sending him then your EXH will have to go to a solicitor to sort a contact order through the courts and with what you have said on here it doesn't sound likely (to any logical brain) that they would order unsupervised access.

Siane · 17/01/2010 20:42

Hi - this could be completely irrelevent, but I've been in the other situation (as the girlfriend, now wife) of the ex. We're at a point where there is no dialogue at all with my stepson's mother and it's awful for everyone. The only time things got better were when we went through Cafcass. Can you try that? My stepson was fibbing to his Mum about things we'd 'done' and she understandably got very angry, but none of it was true. I know it's different for you as you've witnessed so much of it, but there's things she could say about us which sound truly awful, but aren't when explained. The mediators are skilled and what emerges is that both sides love the child and want the best for him. Everything else is parked. Sorry - I bet you've thought of that and I've not gone a day in your shoes but as you say, there's a child in the middle and sometimes it's impossible to see past the bad feeling on both sides.