Access for my ex-husband

[frazzle26]

My ex-husband and I divorced 18 months ago and don't get on well at all. We have a 6 year old son together who lives with me. Ex husband has a new partner and a 5 month old daughter. Basically, I don't like the way he looks after our son. For example letting him play on the street unsupervised, making him change out of his clothes when i come to pick him up, hitting him (I don't do this).

Anyway, matters came to a head on halloween weekend when there was a big hoo-ha which i won't go into because it will take too long but basically the police were called and he didn't see our son for 8 weeks. I finally let him see our son 2 weeks ago but it didn't go well and our son wanted to come home after one night saying he'd been hit again and wasn't allowed anything to eat. His father also put him in nappies after he soiled himself.

My son later said that he had lied about being hit and not being given anything to eat although the nappy thing was definitely true as i saw them.

What i'm finding so hard is that I constantly have my mum telling me that I can't possibly let my son go and see his father. She constantl goes on about it and is a bit overbearing about it at times. I have my son one minute saying that he doesn't want to see his father and the next minute saying that he does. I have his father constantly ringing up demanding to see him. I've got the worry that my son may be playing out on the street unsupervised (although my ex says he will stop this)

I feel as though my head is going to explode!!

I wondered if anyone else had had any similar experiences,

Thanks

I can't believe you would send him again after that incident. The poor, poor boy. Protect your son, get a solicitor so he is never put in that position again and to minimise any damange to him

Good luck. I really hope you act now.

I agree with most of the other posters. I am always advoating how fathers should be given as much access as possible, but it sounds to me that you (and your mother) are very concerned for your son's welfare when he stays at his father's. All of the things you have listed - hitting, putting a 6 yo in a nappy, playing unsupervised on the street, and especially the incident where the police were called are fundamentally wrong and cause for major concern.

Listen to your instincts on this one (and your mother!) and, for the time being at least, only allow supervised visits.

Your poor little boy

i would stop access, why was he trying to undress him in the street? this man sounds like he trys to humiliate your son every time he does something wrong, listen to your mum, mums know best. i feel sad reading everything that has happened to you I would definately speak to a professional for some advice. Make a note of everything that is going on. If my son said to me that he didnt want to go to his dads, then he wouldnt be going. Be strong and dont let your XH push you around! goodluck!

I feel so sad for your son, reading your post. There is no way on this earth I would let my DC spend time with someone who treated him like that.

tbh, i think if it were my child, i'd even be wary of supervised access with this level of bullying going on. i know it's normally better to maintain contact, but parents do not normally humiliate their children in the ways you have outlined.

To be honest, I'm now just waiting for the solicitors letter to drop through my door summoning me to court to discuss access. But I'd rather that in a way. At least I could explain to a judge what my ex has been doing. Surely no judge in the land would allow unsupervised access to him when I explain what he does to our son.

He's been threatening to take me to court for ages now though and so far nothing so hopefully he won't.

I think for now I have to remain strong and keep my ds away.

Good grief.

I just don't know what to say.

Um...

No, words fail me. This thread has upset me more than almost anything I've read on here before.

OK. Your son needs you to protect him from whatever the hell is going on at his father's house. Yes, in an ideal situation it'd be preferable for contact, but this?
No, no, no.

It's not just niggling doubts you've been having. You've seen the evidence. Act now, please, for that poor little boy's sake.

A court will see maintaining contact with a father as important. Parents will always have different approaches to parenting, and it is up to parents to parent in their contact time wihtout interfernce from the other parent.

A contact centre is only appropriate where the court considers the child is in considerable danger - and then, it will be seen as a short term measure until unsupervised contact is esablished again.

I totally relate to what your saying - and can see why you're upset. However, the best chance of harmony (children do better if they have a good relationship with both parents) is if you can negotiate better with your ex, and try to agree approaches without getting into conflict with each other.

Have you considered some form of family mediation? It sounds like you have lot of anger between you - and this is the root of the problems.

Hope it gets better - I live apart from my DD and get on well with her dad, but there is nothing worse than handing your child over to someone you don't trust.

er no,you stop the contact now!!

there are welfare issues here....so cafcass will become involved.

have you got any input from any other agencies here? hv,social workers,school??

Erm... WWC this isn't just a case of different parenting styles! And I don't see how anger between the two of them is the cause of him hitting his child, stripping him in the street and forcing him into a nappy at 6 years old. That's a form of abuse.

I have to correct you on that one WWC, a contact centre is not only used where the child is in considerable danger - not at all. They are used for many reasons, this thread is a good example of the sort of situation when they are used. Sometimes there are no 'parenting' welfare issues at all, just a very acrimonious split and the parents simply will not be in the same room as each other or hand over the child to each other, so a contact centre becomes involved. Not all contact is officially 'supervised', some contact happens in a bigger hall or room with lots of families at the same time and just a couple of staff there to run the session, and some is officially supervised with staff observing the one family in a seperate room. It depends,
but please don't be put off going down this road frazzle, because if any contact is to be had it sounds as if it needs to be supervised and this would be an appropriate environment.

Hmm... the incident where the ploice had to be called alone would be enough for me to not allow my child to stay there again. It sounds like your ex is at very best lacking in parenting skills and he certainyl shouldn't allow his new partner to forcibly try and undress your son when he is protesting. Most children aged 6 are just starting to become aware of their bodies and get easily embarrassed.

I do think though that if your son can have some sort of relationship with his father, that is best for him. He will eventually be old enough to decide what he wants, but until then you need ot sort out some sort of access where your son is not in danger or able to get distressed by his father behaviour, be that supervised access or his father visiting him at your home for an hour or so a time if that is possible?

having now read why the police were involved, I am staggered you allowed your son to go back there. your ex's new partner caused you physical harm, and your ex has caused your DS physical harm. why would you allow him to be there, in danger?

a child should not have a relationship wth the NRP at any cost. he is hurt, humiliated,not fed well and sees you being hurt too by the GF.

it has to stop now

what a terrible situation, I feel so terrible for you and DS

I think whilst it 100% natural to want to encourage a childs contact with their Dad, something is seriously awry here

I am no expert, but I think you need to allow the legal machine to intervene here and get you and your son out of this situation, so let him sommon you to court, whilst many men complain that the exes take away their kids to "hurt them", his behaviour thus far has been unacceptable

might I ask:
how was was Ex relationship with your son prior?
Does he seem to genuinely love your son?
How was your sons relationship with him in the old days

Good luck, and stick to your guns

Typing this very quickly so excuse lack of brilliance.

I am in similar situation.

You feel like you may be depriving your child of a father. Maybe you feel guilty for your ex, depriving him of a son. Also, when he does pay maintenance, you might feel you owe him something.

However, please rid yourself of the guilt. You owe him nothing and I think he is the reverse of a good father-figure for your son.

Your son is better with no father than with him doing irreperable psychological damage to him.

((((HUGS))))

Hi I do not think you are being unreasonable and it would not be right for your son to see his dad one on one in view of what has happened. Your son soiling at his dad's is a sign that he is distressed and your ex putting him in a nappy is a way of humiliating him (a legal case for emotional abuse could be made). It is very hard to stop you ex having access to your son but I think a contact centre would be the best option. This would require a court case and a lot of costs (unless you are eligible for legal aid). I would not let your son see his dad on his own at all until you have sorted this out legally. Good luck and stick to your guns, I wish your son all the best.

Thank you all again so much for all your replies. My son does seem to love his father so much which is why it's awful to have to keep them apart because he keeps asking me why and i have to explain why.

My DS father also insists he loves him but to be honest, how can he truly love him if he insists on doing these horrible things to him??

It's true that psychological damage is just as bad a physical damage and i believe that this is what my ex is doing to my DS.

Just reading how shocked all of you have sounded has really strengthened my resolve. I wavered 2 weeks ago when i agreed to let his dad have him after the 8 weeks of not having him. But he's definitely not going over there now.

Oh, you poor thing frazzle.

And your poor son.

I agree with everyone else, though. He hits, humiliates and yells at his six year old son. I'd be doing all I could to give only supervised contact. If you can set up supervised contact, I think it'd be better than not letting them see each other at all. But this can't go on, as you clearly know.

Your ex is an asshole. You are a fool and weak for even considering sending your ds back to him. Supervised at a children's centre only. Be strong. Your mum is right.

WWC. Fuck right off.

I mean, I suspect your ex abused you also, and maybe over a period of time so you lost perspective. But you are a mother, you draw the line in the sand.

Your baby looks to you to protect him. Do it.

Make a list of all the evidence of abusive behaviour from your XP to your son (the fact that the police have been called at least once is a good one). Then contact a solicitor/mediator and outline all the problems, explain that while you appreciate that your DS has a right to see his dad, it's currently not safe or healthy for him to do so and so you are stopping contact for the moment.
Then send a letter to your XP telling him that because of his behaviour you are stopping all contact, and that you do not want to hear from him again except though a solicitor.
Then explain to your DS that Daddy has been silly and naughty because he's poorly and sad, and until he's better, DS doesn't have to see him (but perhaps can write to him or phone him).

walk away from him , your probably find ds soiling himself at home and at his dads is down to his dads abusive and it is abuse

know its hard when dc seem to love their dads but he needs you to make that choice

.I have just had to make some very hard choices on behalf of my dc that have ended up us living at my parents but dd is no longer wetting the bed and fingers crossed nightmares will stop next

but please listern to what everyone else is telling you

You can do it ,

You are not a "fool" nor "weak" you are trying to be fair - unfortunately with someone who does not understand or appreciate fairness (the dad).

If your own relationship with the father was abusive there is a possibility that you may become sort of numb to what is / isn't acceptable. So its good you came on here to find out what the Average Jane thinks.

I am in a very similar situation to you Frazzle, and have insisted now on supervised contact.

It's taken my ex 9 months to take me up on the offer and it's not supervised, it's 'assisted' which means that it's a big hall with games and other activites, where other families are present as well.

It's a difficult call to make, and you know that your ex will be accusing you of stopping contact for no reason, however, you know that you are doing the right thing. Make detailed notes of what has happened and the way you feel about it, as it can take some time for these things to go to court or even mediation, and it's easy to 'forget' just how angry you were when you made the decision to stop the contact.

I finally made the decision when I dropped the boys off after we had been on holiday, and my ex decided he would tell the boys why he had to give up his job - because I wanted CSA money, they apparantly had to make a decision whether I had money or him living round the corner. To which I protested that at age 4 and 7 they didn't have to make any kind of decision at all, so I was physically pushed around and sworn at. I removed us all from his flat with him calling me a cunt and twat and ugly etc all the way to the car.

Do you know what made my mind up absolutely about stopping contact? It was my DS1 saying to me 'you used to put up with that mummy' in an accusing way - that I had let that happen in front of him when he was 3 and he'd been reminded of it.

There is a whole load of other incidents that have made me stop contact before, DS1 came home hitting his head, saying he wanted to get 'all the questions out' as my ex had interrogated him all weekend. DS1 had numerous nervous ticks (which have started to come back since contact has started again).

My DS1 loves his dad, but he doesn't want to stay at his flat as he's scared of him, he doesn't want to stay and his grandma's because she won't stop my ex from shouting, and he is upset at contact, because he WANTS a lovely daddy and the one he has isn't.

Sorry for the long post, but you are not alone in this situation, trust your instincts and your son's wishes.

Oh frazzle how awful.

I'm another one who would encourage access but in this situation it is obviously against your sons best interests. Poor wee soul.

Also, MadameDefarge, I completely understand your strong feelings but please don't call the OP a fool and weak. No-one who gets away from an abusive man is either! She is obviously beside herself and wants to get this sorted.

I second the good advice from SGB and Grumpy about collecting evidence.