To be furious that my friends gave alcohol to my 8 yr old!

[Solo2]

DS aged 8 has just told me he was given a small amount of wine when he and twin recently stayed with them for 2 days. He also told me that he and twin were driven in a car in the afternoon by the husband, who'd been drinking wine at lunch.[anger]

I am mega-furious! Am I over-reacting? My twins have never had alcohol and I don't drink at all (I'm a single mum) and they know that it's illegal/ wrong for children to drink. But it's not DS1 fault. It's the bloody friends!

These friends have had the twins to stay twice before. The second time, they gave DS1 tea to drink - for his first time- at breakfast and he threw up everywhere in their car and they then made him stay out all day at various activities, covered in vomit. When they brought him home, he stank and needed bathing and afterwards, I made it really, really clear that they must NEVER give tea/ coffee to my children. I personally don't believe in hot drinks for children and I assumed my friends would respect my wishes.

Now I've found out the twins were also given hot choc. - which is no big deal but along with the news about the alcohol, it's clear that the friends are not respecting my wishes and actually sneakily giving things to my children that they KNOW I never would.

BUT.....these are the only people in my life who've ever had the twins to stay and it's been my only 3 occasions off-duty at night, in almost 9 yrs. These friends BTW are a woman of 77 - who looks and acts as if she were 52 and her much younger husband of 56. I've known them for yrs and yrs and she's been like a second mum to me. We have no family alive/ or involved in our lives, so these friends are almost like 'family'.

I imagine they were thinking it was a good, new experience for DSs to have, by giving them a small amount of wine (one DS refused) and that 'no harm was done'. I also imagine they're of the school of thought that a glass of wine is fine before driving - but they know I don't drink at all and believe that especially if children are in the car, best not to drink AT ALL!

So what do you think? Am I just too over-protective and neurotic or have I the right to be angry? If I broach it with the friends, I KNOW they'll be hugely angry and reactive. Several yrs ago, I had a falling out with them and we cut contact completely for yrs. So I'm risking losing them....however, if I say nothing, I'll not be wanting my twins to stay there again and then they'll wonder why....

Would much rather a lovely ice cold fizzy Coke tbh lol

Its a tough one, your DS obviously has a tendency to vomit after certain foods/ drinks which is going to make you a little more concerned about what you feed him, so in the respect of giving him a sip of alcohol YANBU. I also wouldn't be comfortable with my child being driven by someone who had consumed any alcohol. I never drink any amount of alcohol and drive. Regardless of whether he was in legal limits, his capability to drive could still have been compromised somewhat.

With tea drinking, my DD loves tea and she's 2.5! We have decaffeinated teabags for her and she has a cuppa from time to time. I am happy with that because she only drinks milk and water otherwise. My DD hates any kind of soft drinks and TBH, with the added sweetners, colours, preservatives and flavourings in most soft drinks, I'd rather take my chances with a decaffeinated teabag! So YABU to be angry that they gave your child a tea, even if it did make him vomit. YANBU to expect them to clean your child after he's been sick and I would be furious if my child went out all day covered in vomit.

I understand your concerns. The man and woman haven't followed your wishes and also allow your DC's to go without a bath. To see DS2 covered in rash for days, must have been upsetting, but these people are are still doing you a favour at the end of the day. I think, if they are unprepared to bath your children and they do need cleaning regularly, then you should maybe only let them stop overnight or not at all. If them seem unable to follow most of your wishes, then it's your call, but if you are really that upset with what they have/ have not done, then I think you need to politely decline future offers.

Wow! I take time off from reading MN and there are loads more responses when I come back!

A few things to clarify: neither of my children has clincal level SN. DS2 was assessed for Asp.s on 3 occasions in his life, as I knew there was something 'different' about him but no assessment put him over the daignostic limit - just agreed that he's one of those quirky kids that has lots of Asps like traits and is rather dyspraxic. But he goes to a mainstream, academically selective school and I'm working on using his areas of intellectual strength to help those areas of weakness like self-care skills.

DS1 most recently saw a consultant re headaches and vomiting last summer and yet again we were told he's basically fine and no one really said anything at all about why he vomits so much.

Friends are fully aware of the extent of the children's 'special needs'. They are the closest the twins have to an extended family really, which makes the whole situation so difficult. otherwise, they have only ever had me in their lives.

As you can therefore gather, I'm torn between the arguments that say never let the twins stay away with them again, these friends let you down - and the argument that says it's helpful for children to experience different families and belief systems and it's all part of learning about life.

Have others seen the recent medical report in the news that indicates giving alcohol to children younger than 15 actually makes problems with alcohol MORE likely later on? I know this is different to many cultures take on this and perhaps is specific to the UK only, when perhaps there are other factors going on in other cultures that protect from alcoholism....alcohol only at lengthy, family meals and part of socialising/ social pressures to contain drinking appropriately etc.

The woman has been a bit like a second mother to me over 25 yrs of my life and like in all of us, she has good qualities and not so good qualities.

So where I am now is still not sure whether to confront friends or just wait till the next time they invite the children and make some excuse....though female friend is highly likely to push for the reason behind this. She is someone who likes encounter and expressed emotions but makes a massive drama out of it too and I'm not sure I want that kind of situation right now....

As to whether the DCs enjoyed their stay - again mixed. On the one hand, this time they were taken on a professional, guided tour of the city as a 'treat', when I'd already told friends that I thought they were far too young to enjoy this at all and ended up leaving early as it was so massively boring (even I would have hated this!!) They hated it and it wasted half the full day they were there. On the other hand, they went ice-skating twice and loved this. They liked the greater freedom friends gave them but didn't like the sleeping arrangements (uncomfortable blow-up mattress) and DS2 particularly hated not being able to bath and his worries re. toilet problems.

They spent most of their time with the man, which is good in many ways as they don't have many male role models in their lives. However, I hated the fact he drank and drove them. Some of the time they were bored and some of the time they just enjoyed doing things in a different way at someone else's home.

Mixed feelings......

Maybe a diplomatic way out when your friend next asks is just to say you want to wait til they're a little older to stay away?

You could allow them to take the children on outings, for instance to the skating rink or some other trip that would be enjoyable and age appropriate for them, but draw the line at an overnight stay. I'd really be very against allowing these people to care for the children for any longer period of time. They don't seem to understand the amount of hands on care children require, don't seem to understand much about the alcohol issue, and seem happy to disregard your directions about the hot drinks.

For a teacher, this man seems to think that all sorts of inappropriate behaviour with children is ok, like the alcohol, the drinking wine and driving, taking them on a city tour that was guaranteed to bore them out of their minds -- anyone with even a slight acquaintance with children in general would know that this would be a mistake, and if this man has ever bothered getting to know the boys he would know that this wouldn't be a good choice for an outing for your two.