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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men - a meal ticket for life?

429 replies

marantha · 14/01/2010 10:05

Reading the amount of abuse the poster Washwithcare has received here over the past few days for suggesting that her husband does not offer more money to his ex-partner (not NOT married, no contract signed) and her (not biologically HIS) children it strikes me that feminism doesn't really exist- or only exists when it suits women.
Women are still baby machines that try to get as much money off a man as they can, when the chips are down.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Movingon2010 · 14/01/2010 11:01

MaranthaI don't think anyone has mentioned who has a more difficult job and the debate isn't about that issue. It appears to be a mix of WWC's previous thread and men being looked upon as a meal ticket for life.

I didn't say people have to give up their career, they place them on hold and generally earn less than had they had no children.
During the early years, the primary carer does tend to place their own career on hold as they refocus their priorities to family first which can have financial implications.

Angelcat666 · 14/01/2010 11:02

Let me get this straight....hopefully. You think that WWC's DH should support 'his' children from the previous relationship but that his ex should go out and get a job and contribute, financially, towards the costs of living instead of expecting her ex (WWC's DH) to pay for it all.

ImSoNotTelling · 14/01/2010 11:03

You would advocate what then? In a family living together with one person working?

You also seem to be missing the point that your entire argument stems from outdated sexist assumptions. As per my previous post.

Many men want to have children, and from that POV are "baby machines" too. this idea that men are passive in everything to do with children is a horrible idea, and untrue for most people.
Many women are financially independent, earning as much or more than their partners.
Men and women both have a responsibility to the children that they create together.

The fact is that most women work, even after having children, so I'm not sure what this is all about TBH. Your stereotypical ideas about gender are not played out in my real world, I'm afraid.

chandellina · 14/01/2010 11:04

yes marantha, i'd like to know what you think is ideal when a couple split?

moonsquirter · 14/01/2010 11:04

Gotta say, I do think people tend to assume that 'giving up a career' is a big sacrifice. I've done a bit of both SAHM'ing and long hours/commute work and I know which I find more rewarding. It's not a question of what's "easier", that will always depend on the children, job, commute etc but are there really many people who'd rather be writing reports, answering e-mails and sitting in dull meetings than spending time watching their children grow and develop??!

Like everything else in life, it's a choice. You don't want to lose independence, good career, social time with adults etc? don't have kids. And before anyone says it's not fair because women are generally the ones who do lose out in these respects, what about the men who can't take maternity leave, are less likely to get flexible working and therefore generally get less time with their children? Children involve sacrifices. I personally think it's worth it.

MissWooWoo · 14/01/2010 11:05

it's a controversial suggestion Movingon but then I am ahead of my times

MissWooWoo · 14/01/2010 11:06

I mean Morloth

chandellina · 14/01/2010 11:07

it shouldn't be either or. I love my job and I love having a child. And I would consider it a massive sacrifice to give up my job,not least because I was raised with feminist ideals and I would feel I was wasting my abilities and education.

ChickensLoveMarmite · 14/01/2010 11:07
chandellina · 14/01/2010 11:08

moonsquirter, i think you are just reinforcing the idea that women are just playing at jobs and would give them up in a minute to be some 50s stereotype housewife.

posieparker · 14/01/2010 11:10

Would you like some tea with your ?

MissWooWoo · 14/01/2010 11:10

I am a SAHM and do not feel my feminist ideals are compromised, nor do I feel I am wasting my abilities or education. I have not died, I still contribute to society on many different levels.

ChickensLoveMarmite · 14/01/2010 11:11

Gawd, I need a cuppa now

chandellina · 14/01/2010 11:12

I'm not trying to offend any SAHMs - just expressing my own feelings. I would also feel financially insecure if not earning, but obviously not everyone feels that way either.
I'm sure it would all look a lot different to me if I hated my work.

TigerFeet · 14/01/2010 11:14

i suppose i am fleecing dh

but then again he could hardly stay home and bf the baby so he and his non-lactating, hairy nipples have to go to work so that we as a family have some cash

i didn't read wwc's thread proprrly but i don't recall the ex wanting money for herself? didn't the dh (if he exists) just want to support his step children? we only have wwc's (if she exists in non troll land) opinion on the ex anyway

Morloth · 14/01/2010 11:14

Passwords more useful than signatures IME Chickens.

I love the idea that it is always women who want to have the babies. I had to be talked into/convinced about having DS2. Was back at work, jetting about with easy going 4yo. And DH said "Hey, this one is pretty good! Lets have another?!"

Not a chance he would be giving up his job though, he kicks my arse when it comes to salaries would be insane for us to run our household any other way. And yes, if we did split for whatever reason I would totally expect him to continue supporting his children.

tethersend · 14/01/2010 11:21

I'm not clear what you're so angry about, marantha...

ChickensLoveMarmite · 14/01/2010 11:21
MissWooWoo · 14/01/2010 11:22

but choosing to be a sahm has nothing to do with hating your job or not - that's like saying women only have babies when they're fed up. Fuck it I'm bored, think I'll have a baby.

lucyellensmumagain · 14/01/2010 11:24
Biscuit
ImSoNotTelling · 14/01/2010 11:25

moonsquirter I also think your post encourages stereotypes and is rather offensive to the many women on MN who do find working, whether at a part time admin job or a "career" job as rewarding or more than being at home with children.
_

it always comes back to this men vs women and they all behave true to stereotype thing doesn't it.

People are just people, and all different, i just wish our society was set up to acknowledge that. For example there are stacks of couples where the woman would prefer to work and the man to stay at home, if only things were set up in such a way that this was more possible.

ImSoNotTelling · 14/01/2010 11:26

"You want to have your cake and eat it, ladies"

marantha out of interest, I assume that post means that you are a man?

Morloth · 14/01/2010 11:28

I am eating cake right now, and there is still a huge piece left in the fridge.

lucyellensmumagain · 14/01/2010 11:28

Marantha, you are either a man with a grudge, WWC or both!

TheCrackFox · 14/01/2010 11:30

If men are going to be compensated for going our to work then women should be massively compensated for pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding.

DH was keener on having DCs than me - he would like more, I wouldn't.