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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think it's quite common for men to behave really badly after the birth of a child?

52 replies

caen · 13/01/2010 21:15

I'm a member of another forum and I've noticed how many women are really struggling with their husbands after having a baby. The men are refusing to help out at all, having affairs, telling the women they're fat, drinking until all hours, being tight with money and that everything is the women's fault. I don't hear about this from any of my friends in RL. My DH is wonderful and has supported me brilliantly with our DD, taking her at night since early and letting me sleep in when needed (I do reciprocate of course but he has done nearly all the tough nights).

Am I just a lucky cow (I know I am!) and there is a high proportion of women who are not shown love and support or are most men pretty good?

OP posts:

CapaciousArse · 13/01/2010 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mii · 13/01/2010 21:24

applauds CapaciousArse

so bloody true

OrmIrian · 13/01/2010 21:24

I think most men are decent sorts who do their best. Which is all anyone can expect. Mistakes are forgiveable. Constant selfishness isn't.

cheesesarnie · 13/01/2010 21:25

i completly disagree!you cant generalise.
people talk more about the bad than the good.

coppit · 13/01/2010 21:28

I would say, yes, it is "quite common". Certainly it was my experience.

It is not the norm, however, and I think it is more common for the man to do their best.

Heated · 13/01/2010 21:28

Most husbands I know have been pretty good. In the families that come to mind, mine included, the hbs were very much needed. Maybe, and just speculating here, the problems arise out of feeling defunct or not part of the excitement/fun of it all? Or maybe they were just nobs/lazy arses to begin with?

Dh was the first to hold ds1, I had postnatal complications and then pnd, and dh stepped into the breach. He takes the dcs swimming every weekend and is the one to get their breakfasts. Also I do tell dh how good he is as a Dad and point out to him how much he is adored by the dcs, a mutual fan club really, to show that what he does is appreciated. And everyone always says how good he is with children, he is more a natural parent than I am.

DuelingFanjo · 13/01/2010 21:32

"The men are refusing to help out at all, having affairs, telling the women they're fat, drinking until all hours, being tight with money and that everything is the women's fault"

no - I think YABU.

I think people are more likely to post about bad behaviour than bad, I think some men are just arses and this becomes more apparent after the birth of a baby (if it hasn't before) and that it's wrong to label men this way.

CapaciousArse · 13/01/2010 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

DuelingFanjo · 13/01/2010 21:32

than good i mean

Original poster

caen · 13/01/2010 21:33

I'm probably being a bit soppy for AIBU but I just feel incredibly sad that every woman doesn't get the same treatment that I do. I've found it really difficult having a baby but I don't have PND (or anything else that makes it harder) and a lovely husband.
Is this behvaiour often obvious before or is it something that comes out after?
Loving CA's comment - think this must be true!

OP posts:

mummysgoingmad · 13/01/2010 21:36

I would agree, when my son was born, my dp took our rent money and put it all in a roulette machine in the bookies.

Needless to say we had a lot of issues to work through

BertieBotts · 13/01/2010 21:36

I know that the birth of a baby (especially a first baby) can cause jealousy in some men. Obviously this is not an excuse to act the way you describe, and TBH it's a very immature reaction - it's how you expect your three year old to react to a new baby, not an adult man who is supposed to help and support you. But it goes some way to explaining why abusive behaviour etc tends to be more common in pregnancy or after a new baby is born.

Original poster

caen · 13/01/2010 21:38

I definitely don't think most men are bad fathers and husbands BTW, I was just wondering whether it was quite common for men to behave like this.

Most men I've seen are great at both but because such a high proportion of my forum (v. small membership) are experiencing this I thought it might be much more common than I realised.

OP posts:

Laquitar · 13/01/2010 21:39

I think that those who are tossers when the baby arrives, they were always tossers anyway and they were going to be tossers with baby or not baby.

I think that we also feed those mens selfisness with all this popular-psychology crap 'oh give him some time, men are scared when baby arrives, men feel pushed away, going to the pub is his way of dealing with changes...' .

A decent man he will be even better husband and more responsible after the baby arrives. If he is not then he would never be anyway. Not point buying all the Psychology section of Amazon to find labels and excuses.

cheesesarnie · 13/01/2010 21:40

maybe the women you're talking to are whingy whining nag bags that have nothing better to talk about and cant see that they've got a decent dh/dp

minxofmancunia · 13/01/2010 21:41

hmmm a bit torn on this one, in practical terms dh is great, cooking, sorting out dd completely whilst i've adjusted to looking after ds (16 weeks) doing baths etc. etc. Allowing me time to have the od catch up nap between feeds.

However after both births desite being helpful in this way emotionally he's been a complete w**ker. Cold, brittle, unaffectionate, sarcastic, winding me up, showing no concern for the fact I might be tired and/or depressed. Both times I've had to walk out on him with dcs to shock him to stop being such a heartless bastard. E.g. will use threats and ultomatums to get his own way "if you don't listen to me now I'll never bother halping you with x ever again"

So although he's not lazy or unhelpful or having affairs he's been a t**t and changed the way i feel about him as a result
In short he's been a bully. After swearing he'dnever behave like this again after dds birth he reverted straight to type a few weeks following ds s birth, bastard. I will never have any children with him ever again despite him wanting a 3rd. he can't keep his promises and he showed a Mr Hyde side to him that i didn't know previously existed.

Portofino · 13/01/2010 21:43

Personally mine was fantastic! He did ask if he could go to the pub quiz (a regular thing - proper league and everything) on day 5 after getting home and I said yes. He came home to find me a sobbing wreck, but sorted out dd and made me a G&T.

To me there is NO excuse for shit behaviour, unless there is mental illness or similar involved.

YoMoJo · 13/01/2010 21:46

it appears that way because we are all very good at highlighting each others bad points and rarely praise the good points!

Poeple geneally start threads because they have an issue/problem & dont feel that they are able to share with others in RL. You will then find that there are others that can relate to the OP & post their thoughts/experiences.

So of course the "Men are shits" threads will be disproportionate to what you experience in RL.

DuelingFanjo · 13/01/2010 21:51

am now imagining what a man about tite might wrhe way their partner changes after the birth of a baby And I don't mean physically!

mummysgoingmad · 13/01/2010 21:53

i may be shot down in flames here but men have it hard to when a new baby arrives. We already have this bond with the little person and they dont really. They have to get to know their child and learn to adjust to being a dad, for many woman (me included) it came very naturally.
I can understand why my dp did what he did. He needed a release, to have some time to himself. He got a major kick up the arse and has been a great father and partner since.

Wonderstuff · 13/01/2010 21:55

Well domestic violence is known to be most likely when women are pg or just had a baby. I think it is a significant but small minority of men but would definitly agree that it is not uncommon for men to turn into tossers when women have babies.

My dh took a while to realise how hard new babies are and felt quite disorientated I think but with some prodding did return quite quickly to his normal lovely self, he has been amazing since we got pg with dc2 and has done all housework and the lions share of childcare because I have been so tired and sick.

Original poster

caen · 13/01/2010 22:00

It's good to hear from a couple of you whose relationships have returned to where they once were. I often wonder from some of the stories I read how a relationship can come back. I think I would find it easier to forgive an affair than being treated really badly when I had a newborn, hormones, no sleep etc.

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 13/01/2010 22:06

i really want to stand up for men

but don't really want to get ranty or annoy anyone!

I really doubt that the birth of a child makes men more likely to be abusive.

displayuntilbestbefore · 13/01/2010 22:08

yabu to think it is commonplace for men to behave really badly after the birth of a child. I'm sure there are some men who do, but they must be pretty infantile and insecure if the birth of a child leads them to "behave really badly".

LittleSparrow · 13/01/2010 22:11

I think mine struggled mentally/emotionally to adjust when mine was born. He I became very tetchy and unreasonable...

I don't know. A combination of sleep deprivation, hormone inbalance and feeling totally out of control probably put strain on both of us. A side we'd never had to face before.

I'm not sure I can agree entirely with mummysgoingmad about bonding. I took quite a while to bond with my baby (3 months). I didn't instinctively think 'it's mine and how wonderful' it was more a case of 'help what now?'

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