to think it's quite common for men to behave really badly after the birth of a child?

[caen]

I'm a member of another forum and I've noticed how many women are really struggling with their husbands after having a baby. The men are refusing to help out at all, having affairs, telling the women they're fat, drinking until all hours, being tight with money and that everything is the women's fault. I don't hear about this from any of my friends in RL. My DH is wonderful and has supported me brilliantly with our DD, taking her at night since early and letting me sleep in when needed (I do reciprocate of course but he has done nearly all the tough nights).

Am I just a lucky cow (I know I am!) and there is a high proportion of women who are not shown love and support or are most men pretty good?

I think it depends how you define commonplace though doesn't it? Vast majority of men seem to be able to not turn into selfish toads, but if say 5% do I would say that is a (too) common event?

Why wait til after the birth? When DD1 was born he was out having a curry, DD2 he did manage to at least wait on the ward as she was quicker so he didn't have time to get hungry

YABU.

Unless you're married or partnered up with an immature twat, male or female.

There's nothing 'lucky' about not putting up with bullshit from a partner or spouse, IMO.

I would never treat my spouse in a way I would not want to be treated.

What's such a big deal about expecting the same in return?

I have both daughters and a son, and the most important lesson I can teach them is to have respect for themselves. If they do, they can respect others and expect respect in return.

WS - that's the kind of number I'm thinking. I'm not suggesting that playgroups are teeming with mothers being treated like this but when you have the wonderful birth announcement, pictures etc it is sad to think that at home a few men are behaving like this.

I think statistics do show that domestic violence often starts during pregnancy/ after the birth. This makes sense to me because bullies pick on someone vulnerable. Prior to that these women are not such an easy target. That wasn't really the issue I was talking about in my OP although they can be linked.

As others have said, we don't post about great DH's, so the bellends get a disproportionate coverage.
Having a child, especially your first,. is such a huge life change and takes major adjusting for both parties. Generally, women have a nine month head start and a gush of hormones to help them. It depends on personality how they react to that.

I have just lifted my head and told DP he's not the worst really

but Lilac, was he always like that?

yabu

If someone behaves like a nob after the borth of their child, they were most likely a nob beforehand.

And this black and white portryal of the downtrodden sweet woman and the drunken shagging man is too simplistic.

"I think statistics do show that domestic violence often starts during pregnancy/ after the birth." are you sure? That it starts? Because I would have thought that there might have been DV before in a lot of cases. Maybe I am just naive?

I don't think I've said they are sweet women but I would expect any new mother to be given a lot of support or by the father or (shock) he does an equal share when at home and that he doesn't start to mistreat his DP/DW.

DF - I think this is why you are asked about DV at antenatal checks now. I'm fairly sure I've read that DV often starts then.

I think the statistic is something like 30% of domestic violence cases start during pregnancy.

so says Refuge

lots of men, most men, do that. I believe.

sorry that was in reply to caen.

Right. Thank you everyone for helping me to understand something I found confusing. Must go to bed. First AIBU not too bad really.

Tomorrow: breastfeeding in church during my DD's christening even though we don't attend coupled with complaints that MIL won't do fulltime free childcare.

Sorry DuelingFanjo, I left DD's dad when 7 months preggers as he had turned from being very mildly possessive into full blown abusive. Sadly the stats are right. His attitude seemed to be "ha ha, you're pregnant now, I've trapped you!" and the torment began. All the night feeds and sleep deprivation were way easier on my own than dealing with that t*sser.

btw, I would like to think that the majority of men are NOT this way. I don't think I've been lucky in love!

the stats are just 30% though, according to Brahms. So though it is high it doesn't suggest that the birth of a child increases domestic violence.

I think it would be terribly wrong to suggest that because 30 % of domestic violence starts when a child is born then most men will behave badly.

I don't mean to dismiss anyone's personal experience but the stat is not that 30% percent of men become abusers after a child is born.

Dh was kind of odd after dc2 was born. Not abusive or affairs, but he did lie to me about having to work early while he snuck out to football training a week after she was born, leaving me with two screaming children at 6 in the morning. It was quite out of character. And he has been pretty miserable (verging on depressed really) since the birth. I think he is just overwhelmed by the workload of two children.

Perhaps it's more a case of DV escalates during pregnancy / after childbirth?

You don't believe DV is more likely to occur n pregnancy/after birth don't you DuelingFanjo ? I suggest you come and work with our domestic violence support worker and have your eyes opened - it's a very well catalogued statistic

www.nbt.nhs.uk/midwives/domesticviolence/informationPregnancy.html

And pregnancy is one of the recognised triggers for DV to start - like drug problems, unemployment etc. People that may previously have been able to control themselves are unable to, or maybe abuse that was previously verbal escalates to physical violence.

And my husband went to a domestic a couple of weeks ago where there had never been any history of violence. The husband kicked his 8 week pregnant wife in the stomach and she miscarried.
Unfortunately we see rather a lot of it

Oops sorry, I see this thread has been going on longer than I thought.

Just to clarify, I would hope most men are decent people who support their partners and help as much as possible when their new baby is born.

However for some immature, abusive twats, the arrival of a new baby threatens their perfect existence with their wife/girlfriend giving them all the attention and they don't react nicely to it Sadly I think this is more common than most people think. Also the factor someone else mentioned of a pregnant woman being more dependent on a man, or tied to him, and less likely to leave (ie more likely to put up with shitty treatment) - obviously though any decent man doesn't think like this, only the complete tossers out there.

My husband was wonderful after our daughter was born via C section, I never changed a nappy for weeks as he did everything (apart from feed her), cooked, cleaned, shopped, put up with my hormones, everything in fact!

Shame he turned into a complete twunt a year later when I found out he had 'strayed' because 'he felt left out' idiot!

welcome to mumsnet - you'll fit right in!! where are you from? because be warned, we are proper hardcore on here

Having a child does cause major shifts within the relationship, especially i think if you have been together a long time pre children. I do often think that the man gets a little forgotten in it all, and just expected to be Mr Supportive and quite frankly if he doesn't lactate he is a failure!!

I do think that on the whole, thank god, couples rally together and it works out for the best.

Obviously niggling unreasonable behaviour is going to be amplified post childbirth, especially with regards to social lives. So if a woman was happy for her DP to go on a bender with his mates (i would never be anhyway) before the baby is born, it is of course, not acceptable when the woman doesn't get to do this, let alone have the energy etc.

having children exposes the cracks i think.

Mine was the opposite way round - a right bastard while I was pregnant (esp. first time). Sulky, moody, didn't seem to care about me or baby. As soon as babies arrived he snapped out of it and has been great. I still don't really understand why he was like this with me. Idiot. I've forgiven him but haven't forgotten.